A customer enters a knocking shop.
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, tart?
Owner: What do you mean "tart"?
Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for crack.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this whore what I hired not half an hour ago from this very brothel.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blond...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'She's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'she's uh,...he's resting.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead hooker when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no she's not dead, she's, she's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blond, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'shE's resting!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake her up! (slapping her around) 'oi you facking slag Billie blowjob! I've got a lovely fresh syringe for you if you
show...
(owner slaps the corpse)
Owner: There, she moved!
Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you pimp slapping her!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the corpse repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is social services taking your kids!
(slams corpses head on the counter. it slumps to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead hooker
Owner: No, no.....No, she's stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned her just as she was wakin' up! Norwegian Blonds stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That hooker is definitely deceased, and when I rented 'er not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to 'er bein' tired and thoroughly shagged by a party of Japanese tourists.
Owner: Well, she's...she's, ah...probably pining for Bulgaria she was trafficked
Mr. Praline: PININ' for the BULGARIA?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did She fall flat on his back the moment I got 'er home?
Owner: The Norwegian Blond prefers workin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that prostitute when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its stool in the
window was that she had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, she would have nuzzled up to those bars, run off and called Crimewatch
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it like I was planning to! sh'E's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no!shE's pining!
Mr. Praline: 'shE's not pinin'! 'shE's passed on! This prostitute is no more! sHe has ceased to be! 'shE's expired and gone to f**k her maker! 'shE's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'she
rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'her to the stool 'she'd be wanking off the punters! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'shE's off the twig! 'shE's kicked the
bucket, 'she's shuffled off 'er mortal coil, run down the curtain and sucked off the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PROSTITUTE!!
(pause)
Owner: Well, I'd better replace her then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh,
we're right out of prostitutes
Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: I could give you a tug?.
(pause)
Mr. Praline: Pray, do you have tits
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Praline: WELL YOUR HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Mr. Praline: Well.
(pause)
Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come on my face
Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure. can I keep her as well?
