Sitcommission entry "Jemma's Dad"

This is Jemma's Dad, Episode One, Jemma's Boyfirend.

Jemma's Dad is a recent convert to Agrophobia. He finds it difficult to leave the house. The Agrophbia was brought on by his wife leaving him for another woman. He lives at home with his Eighteen year old daughter Jemma, who attends college full time. This is the begining of the first Episode (episode two is availiable if anyone wants it). All comments welcome.

JEMMA'S DAD: EP1: JEMMA'S BOYFRIEND

SCENE 1. INT. JEMMA'S DADS SITTING ROOM. EVENING.

JEMMA'S DAD a fortyish slightly overweight scruffy man sits in a chair reading a Newspaper. The television faces towards him, away from the audience and is flickering without sound. The Outer door slams shut and the lounge door opens. JEMMA a fashionable eighteen year old girl walks in.

JEMMA
Hiya Dad

Jemma puts her coat and Bag on a chair.

JEMMA'S DAD
Good day at college love?

JEMMA
Yeah, I'm running late though

JEMMA'S DAD
Oh?

JEMMA
Some one is coming to pick me up in a few minutes, he might be early

JEMMA'S DAD
Oh yeah, he? A date?

JEMMA
Sort of, look I need a shower, if he arrives will you let him in? I'll only be few minutes

JEMMA'S DAD
Ok

JEMMA
And will you be nice?

JEMMA'S DAD
Of course I will

JEMMA
No Dad, I mean it. Be nice

JEMMA'S DAD
I'm always nice

JEMMA (warning)
Dad

JEMMA'S DAD
Alright, go on

Jemma begins to leave the room and her dad calls after her

JEMMA'S DAD
And hurry up before I change my mind, I don't want to be wet nursing boyfriends all night

JEMMA (shouting back)
Thanks Dad

Jemma's dad returns to his newspaper for a few moments. There is a knock at the front door, looking up he waits for several seconds. There is another, louder knock. He rises from the chair and exits the lounge leaving the door open slightly. He shouts upstairs

JEMMA'S DAD
Don't worry. Even though we know it won't be for me, I'll get it

The door opens and the conversation carries back through the lounge door

JEMMA'S DAD
Sorry! We are not interested in buying anything today

STEPHEN
What?

JEMMA'S DAD
Whatever you are selling, be it clothes pegs or insurance, we don't want any

STEPHEN
I'm not selling anything

JEMMA'S DAD
Are you sure? You look as though you should be selling something

STEPHEN
I'm not selling anything, honestly. Is Jemma in please?

JEMMA'S DAD (shouting upstairs)
Oh sorry. Jemma it's for you

JEMMA (shouting downstairs)
I'll be down in a couple of minutes

JEMMA'S DAD
Right then, suppose I can't leave you standing outside can I? You had better come in

STEPHEN
Thanks

The front door bangs shut. Both men enter the lounge. Stephen is dressed in an uncomfortable suit and they both appear awkward.

JEMMA'S DAD
You must be Jemmas new boyfriend?

STEPHEN
Well, I wouldn't say boyfriend, we are just going out for a drink. I'm Stephen

JEMMA'S DAD
With a V or a PH?

STEPHEN
Err a PH

JEMMA'S DAD
Oh Good, I'm glad that's settled. Not that it makes any difference I suppose

STEPHEN
No

JEMMA'S DAD
Right

STEPHEN
Pleased to meet you

JEMMA'S DAD
Ok. You're making the place look untidy. Here, sit down. If she's putting her face on it might be a while

STEPHEN
Thanks

Stephen sits and looks around the room sneaking the odd glance at Jemma's dad and is obviously nervous. Jemma's Dad stares at the television

JEMMA'S DAD
It's bad skin you see

STEPHEN
Sorry?

JEMMA'S DAD
Bad Skin

STEPHEN
Jemma?

JEMMA'S DAD
No. There, on the telly. Bad skin, it's caused be being overweight

STEPHEN
Is it?

JEMMA'S DAD
I suffer from it myself

STEPHEN
Bad skin?

JEMMA'S DAD
No, being overweight

STEPHEN
Oh, you don't look overweight

JEMMA'S DAD
I'm not now. It's controlled

STEPHEN
Oh

JEMMA'S DAD
Why? Do I look as though I've got bad skin?

STEPHEN
No. Not at all

JEMMA'S DAD
Humph, Good. Do you see what they are doing there?

STEPHEN
No

JEMMA'S DAD
Putting that balloon into the stomach?

STEPHEN
Yes

JEMMA'S DAD
I had that done

STEPHEN
Did you?

JEMMA'S DAD
Yes. Obesity runs in the family

STEPHEN
It does?

JEMMA'S DAD
Oh Yeah. We all start off normal, like when I was younger I wasn't overweight at all, but as soon as we hit our mid twenties in this family, that's it

STEPHEN
What is?

JEMMA'S DAD
We are. We turn in to busses

STEPHEN
I saw your wife dropping Jemma off at college and she seems ok

JEMMA'S DAD
Ex Wife

STEPHEN
Sorry

JEMMA'S DAD
She would be normal wouldn't she?

STEPHEN
I don't know

JEMMA'S DAD
Well, were not related are we? I married her but it's different blood, different genes innit?

STEPHEN
Oh yes, I suppose so

JEMMA'S DAD
I mean were not cousins or the Royal family and were not from? Barnsley are we?

STEPHEN
I don't know sir

JEMMA'S DAD
Do I look as though I'm from Barnsley?

STEPHEN
No, I suppose not. But it's hard to tell

JEMMA'S DAD
What do you mean it's hard to tell?

STEPHEN
It's hard to tell where people come from just by looking at them

JEMMA'S DAD
It wasn't with Ghandi

STEPHEN
I'm sorry?

JEMMA'S DAD
Ghandi. You could tell where he was from just by looking at him

STEPHEN
I suppose you could tell which country he was from, but which part of the country? Which town? You couldn't tell that just by looking at him

JEMMA'S DAD
What do you mean?

STEPHEN
Well he didn't wear a t shirt saying born in Porbandar did he?

JEMMA'S DAD
Porbandar?

STEPHEN
Yes, that's where he was born

JEMMA'S DAD
Oh, I didn't know that

STEPHEN
I don't know how I do really

JEMMA'S DAD
Right. Well I'm not from Barnsley anyway

STEPHEN
No

They both stare at the television

JEMMA'S DAD
It didn't work

STEPHEN
What didn't?

JEMMA'S DAD
The operation

STEPHEN
Oh

JEMMA'S DAD
The balloon, it leaked

STEPHEN
The balloon, leaked?

JEMMA'S DAD
Yes, it leaked. I talked with a really high pitched voice for three days before they figured out what was wrong

STEPHEN
Really high?

JEMMA'S DAD
Yes "Like this"

STEPHEN
Wow. How did that happen?

JEMMA'S DAD
Well it was the balloon. You see how they are filling it up there with air?

STEPHEN
Yes

JEMMA'S DAD
Well it's not air, it's a special Gas. They only put a bit in, co's they only want it to fill four fifths of your stomach, you need the other fifth to digest food

STEPHEN
Right

JEMMA'S DAD
When they did mine, they must have run out of the special gas, so with me they had to replace it with something else

STEPHEN
Something else?

JEMMA'S DAD
Yes, they had to use a different gas. They ended up using Helium

STEPHEN
Helium?

JEMMA'S DAD
Yes. So not only did it leave my stomach feeling full and lift it to the top of my throat all the time. It felt like when you go over one of them humps in a car, but I was talking "like this" as well.

STEPHEN
What did you do?

JEMMA'S DAD
In the end the balloon went in to my bowel. You can guess where it went from there

STEPHEN
Urgh

JEMMA'S DAD
I probably have a photo of it somewhere if you want to have a look

STEPHEN
No! Thank you though, I can imagine

Did you time this?

Yeah, I "Made" my daughter and wife run through with me. This is just the opening skit, there's more of the episode. It is quite quick dialogue but I didnt want to post it all as the longer it is the more people are put off. I can put the rest up though if it would help.

As the Episode evolves the boyfriend turns the tables on Jemma's Dad, instead of listening to him and been put off he starts fight back, telling stories about himself, it ends with an unexpected twist (i think.

Oh ok, just thought it was a bit short. One thing I would say is read it through and see how long it is before you have a line that gives the audience a chance to laugh. You really want to be hitting them harder and earlier.

Quote: Marc P @ March 18 2011, 11:34 AM GMT

Oh ok, just thought it was a bit short. One thing I would say is read it through and see how long it is before you have a line that gives the audience a chance to laugh. You really want to be hitting them harder and earlier.

View original

Thats the problem for me I think. I am not a One Liner writer and I find the situation needs to be built. My comedy is much more genteel than what was been looked for. I tend to develop charecters more than jokes and that's what I am working on more.

Quote: Batleywriter @ March 18 2011, 11:39 AM GMT

Thats the problem for me I think. I am not a One Liner writer and I find the situation needs to be built. My comedy is much more genteel than what was been looked for. I tend to develop charecters more than jokes and that's what I am working on more.

View original

You have to be careful about gentle banter though, a sitcom audience for this kind of show is usually a live one and they need to record the audience laughing out loud. The old saw is that you can;t hear an audience smiling. Sitcom is by and large a broad medium. But character is absolutely the way to go! Agree a hundred percent.

Thanks Marc. I am just going through some of the others in this section and am enjoying most of what I am reading. The majority are going for all out laughs and I do like that, but maybe sitcom is not my medium.

I think I will stick with "attempt at Charecter driven story containing humour" If it hadn't been for the Sitcommission I would probably not have written Jemma's Dad and I am now looking at exteding it in to a play, with humour so all is not lost.

Quote: Griff @ March 18 2011, 12:25 PM GMT

Hi Batleywriter. I think that is one of the big steps for any writer, to decide what medium they want to write for. It's very easy to just follow the opportunities that are out there; if the BBC put up a competition for people to write a feature film trilogy about a dead parsnip, you can bet there'd be thousands of people devoting a year of their lives to it without wondering for a second whether it's a good idea. So if you've discovered that sitcom isn't for you, but maybe theatre or comedy drama is, that's a good thing not a bad one.

View original

Cheers Griff (you could have disagreed to make me feel better you know). Good luck with Art for Arts sake.

Thanks.

Good point, Griff. I've learnt that writing surreal nonsense works better for me. At least I'm having more fun writing it. The tricky part now is finding something to glue it all together into something resembling a sustainable premise.

Don't go giving the BBC any ideas though. Paul the Parsnip: The quest for redemption would give me months of sleepless nights.

Good luck also.

I think you need to work on the action parts of the scene. There's nothing visually interesting happening. Or are you trying to emulate 'The Royle Family' style and appear almost sedate?

There's also no expression or character within their voices. I can't quite work out what type of person Jemma's Dad is. Steve doesn't display any distinguishing features at all and Jemma is not even in it.

Why not open with a line or action that sums Jemma's Dad up. I don't mean make it too easy for the audience but it would be nice to be introduced to the character, rather than trying to figure him out.

The banter was a bit unsure of itself, and it ultimately felt empty. Every minute counts in sitcom, you only have about 22 minutes usually. So a slightly odd-unsure opening scene isn't an attention grabber and I didn't really learn anything new.

I think the concept is good. I just don't feel this is the best interpretation of it.

Sorry to sound harsh. Just my thoughts.

Just Joshing Grif.

Sean, the BBC at the mo seem to need all the Ideas they can get.

levil, I'm not sure too much what I was aiming for. I am posting the rest to hopefully add balance to what I posted before.

Thanks all for the comments. Keep em coming.

JEMMA'S DAD
Ok, please yourself. So where are you taking my daughter tonight?

STEPHEN
I thought we might go for a meal and then to the cinema or something. I thought I would let Jemma decide

JEMMA'S DAD
Oh

STEPHEN
Sorry?

JEMMA'S DAD
No. Nothing, it isn't really important, besides you probably already know about it. She's probably already mentioned it

STEPHEN
Mentioned it?

JEMMA'S DAD
Yes. I'm sure she would have done. You understand why we don't talk about it much in the house, she finds it embarrassing, but anyone in that position would wouldn't they?

STEPHEN
Talk about what?

JEMMA'S DAD
The thing

STEPHEN
The thing?

JEMMA'S DAD
Yes, you know the thing, with the cinema and theatres and that

STEPHEN
I'm sorry, I have no idea what you are talking about

JEMMA'S DAD
Jemma's irrational fear of poorly lit places

STEPHEN
I don't follow you

JEMMA'S DAD
She hasn't told you?

STEPHEN
Told me what?

JEMMA'S DAD
Oh no, listen I'm sorry, forget I said anything. I don't look that supple but I'm bloody good at putting my foot in my mouth. She'll tell you herself, when she's ready I suppose. In fact she should tell you herself, it'd be better that way. I'm such an idiot. So anyway what about you, what do you do?

STEPHEN
I'm training to be an accountant

JEMMA'S DAD
Accountancy?

STEPHEN
Yes I'm at college, it's pretty boring

JEMMA'S DAD
I bet it isn't

STEPHEN
It is! This, fear, of Jemmas?

JEMMA'S DAD
Yes, can't you just forget I mentioned it? She'll be really angry and upset if she finds out I said anything, and if the police get involved again?

STEPHEN
The police?

JEMMA'S DAD
Yes. It's all part of the same problem. Look, I'll tell you, but you have to promise me that you won't say anything to Jemma about it

STEPHEN
Ok

JEMMA'S DAD
Say "I Promise"

STEPHEN
I promise

JEMMA'S DAD
Ok. Look. Jemma had an accident when she was younger, they had to put a steel plate in her head. Don't worry it's at the back, you can't see it, you just need to be careful walking past strong magnets but otherwise it's ok, but because of the accident low light levels do something to her brain. It starts with crying. If you catch it quick enough you can stop it at that, if you take her somewhere bright, but, if you don't see it, and why should you when you are somewhere dark? Then it gets much worse.

STEPHEN
Oh no poor Jemma

JEMMA'S DAD
Hold on there's more. After the crying, comes the shouting and then comes the kicking, the punching and the biting. Someone nearly always ends up calling the police. They had to use the CS Spray last time, but we all had a laugh about it afterwards

STEPHEN
You did?

JEMMA'S DAD
Well apart from Jemma of course, she's still sensitive about it. And the waiter, the one with the fork in his thigh, he didn't find it funny, but you should have seen his face, it was a picture

STEPHEN
Oh. Actually that's ok

JEMMA'S DAD
That's ok?

STEPHEN
Yes!

JEMMA'S DAD
How is that ok?

STEPHEN
Well, if I am being honest with you that's quite a relief

JEMMA'S DAD
It is?

STEPHEN
Yes

JEMMA'S DAD
How can that be a relief?

STEPHEN
Are we talking privately?

JEMMA'S DAD
Yes

STEPHEN
And we are being honest with each other?

JEMMA'S DAD
Yes, of course

STEPHEN
Well there are a couple of things you need to know about me

JEMMA'S DAD
There are?

STEPHEN
Yes, but they're a little embarrassing. I need your word they'll go no further

JEMMA'S DAD
Well I suppose. No hold on, I suppose it depends on what they are

STEPHEN
What they are?

JEMMA'S DAD
Well I can't promise can I? Not if it would put my little girl in danger or something like that

STEPHEN
Oh no! I understand. It is nothing dangerous

JEMMA'S DAD
Well, ok then

STEPHEN
You promise?

JEMMA'S DAD
Yes

STEPHEN
Say "I promise"

JEMMA'S DAD
Ok I promise

STEPHEN
Well ok. I believe, we are been visited by beings from other worlds in U.F.O's. I also believe that I, have myself, being abducted by Aliens four times in the last seven years

JEMMA'S DAD
Eh?

STEPHEN
I have being abducted by aliens and taken against my will to their ships four times

JEMMA'S DAD
Aliens abducted you?

STEPHEN
Yes. Don't worry, they only seem interested in me for some reason. They never take me when any one else is around, apart from that one time with Geraldine

JEMMA'S DAD
Geraldine?

STEPHEN
Yes, my mums dog Geraldine. It was this yappy miniature Yorkshire Terrier. My Mum had it from being a puppy. She used to dress it in little rhinestone booties and ask me to take it out. I used to carry it around inside my coat, in a bag

JEMMA'S DAD
You did?

STEPHEN
yes

JEMMA'S DAD
And what happened to Geraldine?

STEPHEN
One night I was out walking Geraldine when I saw the light. I put her straight in my pocket and then before I knew it we were on the ship

JEMMA'S DAD
Right

STEPHEN
I don't even think they realised I wasn't alone until I was on board

JEMMA'S DAD
OK

STEPHEN
The last I saw of her she was talking with the captain of the flying saucer we were in, the aliens are really cool with stuff like that, they can communicate in any language. Anyway, I guess he didn't like what she said to him because he put her back in the bag, and later, pulled out his ray gun and disintegrated her

JEMMA'S DAD
Disintegrated her?

STEPHEN
Yes. He had to disintegrate her in the end

JEMMA'S DAD
So he killed her with the Ray gun?

STEPHEN
No, he killed her with the bag

JEMMA'S DAD
The bag?

STEPHEN
Yes. It was a plastic bag from the supermarket and he put her in head first. She suffocated. I'm sure he didn't know, and he was really apologetic afterwards

JEMMA'S DAD
That makes it alright then?

STEPHEN
So he had to disintegrate her because of the smell, but I'm sure they wouldn't do that to Jemma. Geraldine could be aggressive. She used to scratch and bite, the way small yappy dogs do, but don't worry about that because the ships are always very well lit. It wouldn't be too much of a problem for Jemma if it did ever happen

JEMMA'S DAD
NoI suppose not

STEPHEN
And besides I wouldn't let them harm her

JEMMA'S DAD
You wouldn't?

STEPHEN
No. I have Psychic abilities

JEMMA'S DAD
You do?

STEPHEN
Yes. I knew at an early age. For example, if I wished for something to happen enough, then I could make it happen

JEMMA'S DAD
You could?

STEPHEN
Yes, take Christmas for example. I used to get really excited about Christmas when I was younger, and I found that the longer I wished for it to be Christmas, the sooner it arrived

JEMMA'S DAD
You did?

STEPHEN
Yes

JEMMA'S DAD
Amazing

STEPHEN
I know. Thanks. Not just that though, I found I could control other things as
well

JEMMA'S DAD
Like what?

STEPHEN
Like people's thoughts, for instance, I tried an experiment on a shopkeeper once

JEMMA'S DAD
You did?

STEPHEN
For two weeks I went in to the same shop at the same time every day and bought the same newspaper. I made sure that every time I went in to the shop I concentrated on the shop keeper. Staring at him like this. I transmitted to his mind what I wanted. I kept thinking Daily Star, Daily Star, Daily Star and after two weeks it happened

JEMMA'S DAD
What did?

STEPHEN
At the end of the second week I went in and before I said anything, he picked up a Daily Star and put it on the counter

JEMMA'S DAD
He did?

STEPHEN
Yeah

JEMMA'S DAD
Well you've convinced me

JEMMA (shouting downstairs)
I'm just coming

STEPHEN
Well it looks like I will be going in a minute

JEMMA'S DAD
Yes it does

STEPHEN
Remember Mum's the word

JEMMA'S DAD
Undoubtedly

Jemma enters the room. Stephen stands.

JEMMA
I hope I have not been too long?

STEPHEN
No. Not at all, we were just chatting

JEMMA
Oh yes. Dad have you been doing wind ups?

JEMMA'S DAD
I think I got as good as I gave

JEMMA
I did warn Stephen before he arrived

JEMMA'S DAD
Obviously

STEPHEN(confused)
Sorry?

JEMMA'S DAD
That's ok. You two have a good time and don't be out too late

JEMMA
I won't Dad. Is there anything you want brining back?

JEMMA'S DAD
No thanks love, Tesco delivered earlier

JEMMA
Ok. You ready Stephen?

STEPHEN
I think so

JEMMA
Oh hold on a minute. I almost forgot

Jemma leves the room returning almost immediately with two tin foil hats. She and Stephen each put one on.

STEPHEN
It pays to take precautions

JEMMA
Bye Dad

JEMMA'S DAD
Oh. Ok then. Bye

Jemma and Stephen leave and the front door bangs as it closes. Jemmas Dad turns to a stuffed Otter in the lounge

JEMMA'S DAD
Well, I hope there's not a thunder storm

THE END

Now that just went in a weird direction!

I liked the reveal of madness at the end - talkin to the stuffed Otter. But the rest was a bit confusing. Is Steve in the main cast or is he just a one off? Where will it go from here? And why was Jemma so absent from this script? Wouldn't you have wanted the judges to see all your characters potential?

Quote: Leevil @ March 18 2011, 3:39 PM GMT

Now that just went in a weird direction!

I liked the reveal of madness at the end - talkin to the stuffed Otter. But the rest was a bit confusing. Is Steve in the main cast or is he just a one off? Where will it go from here? And why was Jemma so absent from this script? Wouldn't you have wanted the judges to see all your characters potential?

View original

This was the first episode. Obviously it is called "Jemma's Dad" and the reason for this is that although he has no interaction outside of the house he is the main charecter. I wanted to introduce his personality. He is quite normal, It is not until Episode Three that you find out about his condition (agrophobia). There are hints to it in Episode One and Two and when the reveal comes in Three I want people to say. Oh Yeah, I get it now, but he reminds me of John in the pub. I not only want them laughing with him instead of at him, but I want them sypathising and empathysing. I want to keep some semblance of realism, I don't want him been larger than life. When the reveal comes, I want people to see him and not his illness. I set myself some rules, just to make it doubly difficult and they wre

1, There is one set only

2, Action can happen off set but for no more than 60 seconds in 15 minutes.

3, Never give the main charecter a name

4, Otto (the stuffed Otter) gets a mention in every episode

Hey I don't make the rules! Except in this case.

In episode Two "Jemma's Grandma" it is just Jemma and her Dad. It gives some family background, cements and explains the relationship between the two main charecters and introduces the idea of other family members. It is quite sweet/sad in parts but not dramatic. It had to be Episode two. Episode Three introduces the penultimate charecter and is called "Jemma's Auntie" (She is an aging Hippy with a complete lack of social skills and is also a nutcase, She moves in with them for reasons of her own) and finally in the last Episode, Episode Six "Jemma's Mam", Jemma's Mam pays a visit. Episodes Four and Five are (hopefully) entertaining filling. Steve pops up in five episodes of the six. If you would like to look at Episode two, drop me a PM.

Thanks for reading

Dave (Batley)

Especially for the Griff Miester, a short exerpt

JEMMA'S DAD: EP2: JEMMA'S GRANDMA

SCENE 1. INT. JEMMA'S DADS SITTING ROOM. EARLY AFTERNOON.

Jemma's Dad sits reading the Newspaper. Jemma enters the room looking upset. Her dad does not look up

DAD
Now then love, you've been on the phone a while, Samaritans talkative today were they?

JEMMA (Meekly)
Dad?

DAD
Or was it childline? You're getting too old for childline. It's only really for pre teens. It's a bit like C Beebies or Gary Glitter

JEMMA (upset)
Dad

DAD(he looks up from the paper)
Ere what's wrong Love?

JEMMA
Grandma Helen

DAD
Come and sit down

Jemma sits on the sofa near her Dad

DAD
What's that evil old cow done now? I tell ya if she wasn't your Mam's Mam? She could give a goat stomach ache that woman

JEMMA (slightly impatiently)
Dad

DAD
Was it the Police? Has she been caught putting cats into wheelie bins? I told her last time, Helen I said, Helen why don't you stop putting cats in to bins? You might get caught one day

JEMMA
Dad

DAD
And lo and behold another nutter did get caught. Why can't she just go back to casting spells and riding her broomstick?

JEMMA
Dad!

DAD
What Love?

JEMMA
She's in Hospital

DAD
Oh

JEMMA
That was Mum on the phone

DAD
Ah. I suppose that puts a different complexion on things then doesn't it?

JEMMA
Yes I suppose it does

DAD
Is it her complexion she's gone in for? Not that it was owt to write home about in the first place. Did you know she used to be a model your Grandma Helen?

JEMMA
She did?

DAD
Yeah. She and her sister, not Cinderella, the other one used to use their faces as templates for dot to dot books.

JEMMA
Give up Dad

DAD
Sorry love. I can't help it.

JEMMA
I know. I forgive you. It's your arrested development

DAD
Oh that's where it went. Arrested was it?