One Shiners

Here'a a few of my silly jokes I wrote on Twitter last year.
And I'm sure you may have heard plenty similar so be kind!
I'm talking to you Cowards!

1) What's round & sits in a field all day sulking?
A Strop Circle.

2) I used to play Cards in the Deep End! But that's all Bridge under the water as far as I'm concerned.

3) Someone just stole all my Glen Miller albums.
I'll make sure they swing for this

4) How can you tell if a man is Houseproud?
He Cleans the bath out after a piss.

5) My family are arguing about whether I should go into rehab!
But I'm staying out of it.

6) This weeks Lotto balls would have been drawn from Excalibur, but they couldn't pull them out.

7) I didn't feel bad about stealing that copy of the 10 commandments until I started reading it.

8) I was trying to work out roughly how long it would take to watch a season of 24. In the end I had to call it a day.

9) I Had a Boxing Match with my German Pal. Happy to say I won - Hans Down

10) How many countdown contestants does it take to change a BLGLHIUBT?

11) My new secretary looks exactly like my Mother but half the size.
So I'm paying her the Mini Mum Wage.

12) I went to the Hip Hop hairdesser the other day. It's great!
Dr Dre does the cuts & Sean Combs

13) I wanted a book about lubrication. The librarian suggested I try looking in non friction

14) My Publishers told me where to stick my Autobiography. So I walked out with my Tale between my legs

15) The Drug Testers Disqualified me from the Grand National. I had to get off my High Horse

16) I Put a "No Flyers" sign on my front Door.
The next day I got sent two Emus & an Ostrich.

17) I've started a new job at the Hokey Cokey company.
At my desk there's an In tray & an out tray.
But I feel there's something missing

18) The Judge said to me "how do you plead?"
I said Hands clasped together and puppy dog eyes.M'lud

19) I'm determined to confuse the local Bus drivers.
In fact I've been pulling out all the stops

20) I'm applying for a job as a Historian.
If they turn me down then I won't look back

21) I stuck pins in a voodoo doll of my arch enemy.
I managed to cure his backache & help him quit smoking.

22) My Horse has two gammy legs so it's a case of Good Clop Bad Clop

23) I don't really understand fractions I leave all that to my better 0.5

24) Why are we playing 12 inch Jenga Holmes?
Because the Game is a Foot Watson

25) After my A levels I'm going to Station Announcer College.
But before that I'm thinking of having a Mind the Gap year

I like these, have you seen Stewart Francis he a has DVD out, its the same style.

Somebody stole my catheter bag, they're taking the piss.

I told my bank manager I'm shagging Oprah Winfrey instead of Karl Marx
He's delighted I'm out of the red and into the black

I'm opening a chippy cum burlesque club, we're offering fish and strips

Quote: sootyj @ March 18 2011, 12:15 AM GMT

Somebody stole my catheter bag, they're taking the piss.

I told my bank manager I'm shagging Oprah Winfrey instead of Karl Marx
He's delighted I'm out of the red and into the black

I'm opening a chippy cum burlesque club, we're offering fish and strips

View original

I'm glad you liked them SootyJ
I agree that they were very funny & If you go on my website you can see the outtatkes from these jokes

Steve, you have no idea how much pain I am in after reading this:

10) How many countdown contestants does it take to change a BLGLHIUBT?

I am currently laid up with a sciatic nerve pull thingy which has affected my lower back and leg. I suffer immense pain if I cough, sneeze or laugh heavily. Or in fact if I move. I have just had to top up my medication after reading that joke. You git!

Def.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 18 2011, 12:16 AM GMT

I'm glad you liked them SootyJ
I agree that they were very funny & If you go on my website you can see the outtatkes from these jokes

View original

Some good ones in there, although some only work written down and most would have to be modified in some way if you wanted to use them for stand up (generally, question and answer jokes are too old fashioned to work live, hence why they've morphed into the one-liner).

Other than that good stuff although 13) is very much like a Tim Vine joke and 18) was a staple of every sketch show/sitcom court scene in the 70s (and possibly even before that).

Very good and very diverse, you think funny and that is the vital component.

Loved the countdown gag Steve.

21) and 23) work best for me. 3) is also good, but I would amend so the laugh comes at the end of the line i.e.: But as far as I'm concerned that's all Bridge under the water .

Most of these are great, Steve, but the Countdown one in particular is genius. The 24 one is my other favourite.

Top work.

Some absolute corkers, but as I am failing to learn better to sort the wheat from the chaff.

6,12 and 18 especially.

I Liked them.

Very nice Countdown gag. Send it in to Countdown, they like laughing (and tea).

I liked them all, but 2 favourites - The "Countdown" one and the
"No flyers".