Of course Prince Andrew trusted Gadaffi's son, he's Saife.
NewsJack oneliner rejects - series 4 Page 10
I'm not surprised those SAS guys got caught, if it was William Hague who planned the mission. I mean, drinking fifteen pints and then sleeping with a male friend is going to get you noticed in a Muslim country, isn't it?
The warning signs were there.
When other 16yr olds were romancing the five fingered widow
William Hague was giving speeches at Tory conferences.
The SAS are going back to Libya
but this time they are taking no chances
They are going with Thomas Cook
sorry that was supposed to be with the other.
And for the final time... I'll start with these.
A correction in relation to the item that we would have featured last week on MI5 training for mobile surveillance officers but the spokespook got lost on the way here.
We'd like to correct the report in which we stated that Leona Lewis had been voted the most influential woman to have lived in London... no, I'm sorry apparently that's true. In that case we'd like to apologise for reporting it and the stupidity of the readers of the Metro.
The name's Faustus. Could Nick Clegg ring me back urgently?
I is Ali G and I want a part in Midsomer Murders innit.
Iran has announced that they will be at the 2012 Olympics. They are now hot favourites for the hokey-cokey.
Nick Clegg tried to reassure the LibDem conference by telling them 'We hear you'. Pity, he's not listening.
Nick Clegg has defended local radio. It is now confidently expected that the BBC cuts in local radio will go ahead.
Nick Clegg claimed that the LibDems own the freehold of the centre ground of politics. He failed to mention that they had sold the leasehold for 30 pieces of silver for next five years.
Ed Miliband has told Nick Clegg to lie low over the AV campaign. We would have preferred him to tell Nick to just stop lying.
David Cameron has given William Hague a vote of confidence in his abilities. It is now expected that Mr Hague will replaced on 29th April, which will be a good day to bury any news.
To prevent another failure of the Olympic Countdown clock it will now be run by green power. This will be generated by the athletes using treadmills wired to the clock.
The Olympic Clock was launched this week with 500 days to go before the games start. After a series of failures, the 2012 Olympics will now become the 2014 Olympics but at least all the venues will be completed by then.
That was an old edition of Newsjack in which we were not able to report that Sir Fred Goodwin was a banker. We'd like to correct this and point out that in fact he was a ... (sharp fade)
Ah, I wondered why I couldn't find the thread, you'd already posted to bring it back to the top! Here are my failed efforts for the week:
Jack App:
Woman: I'm glad that bloke from Iron Maiden's been jailed for fraud. Didn't fool me though, I knew all along he was a bloke.
Pompous man: Don't see why that chap got let off his library fine after returning something 30 years late...they should've thrown the book at him!
Pest controller: If David Cameron really wants Libya to be a no-fly zone he should come to me, once I'm done it'll also be no-ant, no-cockroach and no-flea zone!
General news:
Miles: Iran now look set to attend the London Olympics after all, despite having expressed anger that the Olympics 2012 logo resembled the word 'Zion'. To be fair they did have a point, although other words the logo resembles more than '2012' itself include Zoom, Martian and indefatigable.
-Following complaints about the level of music in Brian Cox's recent TV series we have...(Miles' dialogue is drowned out by loud 'incidental' music) as Newsjack have yet to receive a complaint about anything and would really like one.
-A producer of whodunnit series Midsomer Murders has been suspended following his comments that the show wouldn't work if it featured non-white characters. In unrelated news, his plans for a new TV adaptation of Othello have been put on hold.
Corrections:
Mistakes are like schools where proper teachers have been replaced by celebrities...underprivileged children are never going to learn from them. This isn't true of us at Newsjack though, so here are some corrections:
-We were wrong to say that film director Steven Soderbergh was retiring from show-biz in order to become a traffic warden. This confusion arose due to Mr Soderbergh having directed Traffic ten years ago...
-Earlier we mentioned that Disney had scrapped plans to make the animated film Yellow Submarine. The cancelled project was a remake of the old Beatles cartoon, and not an animated version of the recent British comedy, Submarine, recast with characters from The Simpsons.
All good. Particularly tickled by the Brian Cox one. But what do I know?
Here are some of my rejects, thanks for reading. 
INTROS:
Stephen Fry has admitted to taking cocaine to lift his mood whilst doing crosswords, saying he doesn't like to get too down - which sort of defeats the point of doing crosswords.
Exports of British weaponry increased by nearly 70% over the last four years. Understandably, the government are up in arms.
Tickets for the Olympic games went on sale this week, at prices of up to £725 for the 100 metres final. That's a lot to pay for a few seconds of sweaty huffing and puffing, as Silvio Berlusconi may have discovered recently if the accusations prove to be true.
This week Olympic chiefs unveiled a clock to start the countdown to the Olympic Games, with only 500 days to go until the opening ceremony. Unfortunately, it's 540 days until the stadium will be completed.
Boy-band Blue gave their first performance of their Eurovision song, "I Can". Just because you can, boys, doesn't mean that you should.
APPS:
I can't get over my habit of groping boy-bands, it's making me feel Blue.
The only thing I watch on TV is Midsomer Murders, so I'm going to save money by buying a black and white TV. Even that's too much, just the white will do.
'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello. I'm a frontline police officer, and it's not just cuts that are causing problems for us, it's all the bureaucracy. We even have to greet people in triplicate.
CORRECTIONS:
Newsjack would like to apologise for suggesting that a protest march to highlight green issues took place today. It was, in fact, a St. Patrick's Day parade.
We would like to apologise for suggesting earlier in the show that the Olympic stadium would not be completed on time. We now understand that the stadium will be ready by the time the Olympic clock has finished counting down, even allowing for delays due to the clock stopping.
I liked the lines about Iron Maiden, Steven Soderberg/Traffic, and the Iranian Hokey Cokey, all winners for me.
Thank you.
The first Blue definitely raised a chuckle, but I have nothing against the rest particularly as you were thinking along similar lines as I was regarding the clock and completing the stadia.
Quote: KLRiley @ March 17 2011, 5:48 PM GMT...you were thinking along similar lines as I was regarding the clock and completing the stadia.
I had the intro line written already, and I was about to send them off when I heard some say that the clock had stopped. A minor rewording of the intro, and addition of the correction at the end and they were away!
I imagine quite a few of us would've come up with similar stuff.
If Jesus hadn't been born, what year would it be.
If Jesus had been born a hundred years earlier, Would the ice caps have melted.
If Jesus had been born ten years later, would I still be able to get an erection.
Newsjack App
- I heard what the Burger King boss said about England and I really hope he eats his words. At least it'll have fewer calories than one of his burgers.
- What happens to the Olympic countdown clock if the venues aren't ready in time? Will someone have to press snooze?
- I was a bit confused when I heard they were turning Clapham Common into a campsite for the Royal Wedding. When I saw the name Camp Royale, I thought they were talking about Prince Edward again.
- I feel sorry for Charlie Sheen. I haven't seen such a fall from grace since Grace Kelly drove off that mountain.
- I'm in two minds whether to watch Charlie Sheen's one man shows. My Violent Torpedo of Truth sounds like something Batman would use to defeat the Riddler.
Corrections
Intros
- Making a mistake is like watching Sex and the City films, there's an awful lot of groaning and it can make you question your manhood.
- Making a mistake is like bleaching ginger hair. You can keep covering it up but the truth will come out eventually.
- Making a mistake is like a donkey joining a nunnery. You don't want to make it a habit.
Quote: radiat10n @ March 17 2011, 5:20 PM GMTWe were wrong to say that film director Steven Soderbergh was retiring from showbiz in order to become a lollipop warden. This confusion arose due to him having directed Traffic a few years ago...
I think that's a slightly better wording. A smashing gag.
Quote: Kevin Mears @ March 17 2011, 6:17 PM GMTMaking a mistake is like wearing a wig. You can keep covering it up but the truth will be revealed eventually.
Again, I think that sounds slightly better.
The only thing I'll say is that I think one of the in-house writers did most of the 'Making a mistake is...' gags. It was probably better just to stick to general one-liners.
Quote: RJ @ March 17 2011, 7:23 PM GMTI think that's a slightly better wording. A smashing gag.
Again, I think that sounds slightly better.
The only thing I'll say is that I think one of the in-house writers did most of the 'Making a mistake is...' gags. It was probably better just to stick to general one-liners.
Thanks for the input, do think mine reads better with your edit (especially as it removes the repetition of 'traffic' which bugged me at the time...)...but it was a 'making a mistake is...' line that got me my sole credit for the series, as wth anything the in-house writers only do it if noone else has...
I imagine quite a few of us would've come up with similar stuff.
Indeed. I'll be listening to the show as usual to hear what made the cut and what the audience reaction is. There's usually at least one joke/sketch where it's decidedly underwhelmed or unsure. I've been really impressed by the standard of the rejects but it just demonstrates the whole subjectivity thing.