MUGS GAME
By
George Timberlake.
Mugs game is a tragic comedy about three childhood misfits,
who although inseparable at school never expected to be as
one in their forties. Things haven't changed, in this modern
world after their failed attempt at relationships, they
still don't fit in and still need each other,is there any
escape for our three losers?
Lenny Smith: Is loveable buffoon who has no ambition or
drive, and has been thrown out by his girlfriend. He suffers
from narcolepsy, which doesn't help the fact that he is a
taxi driver.
Barrington Lightfoot. (BAZ):Is a floorlayer, He is a charmer
with a self taught posh accent. He has delusions of grandeur
and an eye for the ladies, or anything with a pulse. He has
some very strange skeletons in his closet that would make
even Roger Moore suffer from overactive eyebrows.
Danny Willis:Is a floorlayer. Danny's wife has left him with
an empty house and tons of debt, he had the idea of Russian
pole dancers to lodge but Baz and Lenny's dilemma squashed
that idea. Danny always had to look out for the two idiots
at school, and now has become the Matriarch. He has a
deadpan and don't care attitude to life, almost accepting
his new life is for life.
ACT 1
SCENE 1 INT: DANNY'S
HOUSE
IN A DARK LIVING ROOM, A LIGHT COMES ON AND DANNY
WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS, HE WALKS BEHIND SOFA AND
TRIPS OUT OF VIEW.
DANNY
OOV)(DRY AND DEADPAN)
Morning Lenny?
LENNYOOV)(BUFFOON)
Morning Danny.
DANNYOOV)
I see you never made it your bed again.
LENNYOOV)
Well, if I'm going to be honest mate, no!
DANNYOOV)
Lenny?
LENNYOOV)
Yes Danny.
DANNYOOV)
Don't you think you should go and see your doctor about
your narcolepsy?
LENNYOOV)
Ooh no! I can't do that mate or they'll take my licence
of me.
DANNYOOV)
Lenny?
LENNYOOV)
Yes Danny.
DANNYOOV)
Don't you think suffering from narcolepsy and being a
taxi driver is well a little bit illegal, not to
mention dangerous for your passengers,and what if you
were to crash?
LENNYOOV)
I'm glad you asked me that, no! don't be so bleeding
stupid!
LENNY JUMPS UP FROM BEHIND SOFA IN ONLY A VEST AND
PANTS.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.
How can it be dangerous, I can't have a crash if I'm
asleep can I der! coffee?
LENNY LEAVES, DANNY APPEARS FROM BEHIND SOFA
LOOKING BAFFLED. ON THE SOFA APPEARS TO BE SOMEONE
SLEEPING COMPLETELY COVERED BY A BLANKET, WITH
JUST THEIR FEET POKING OUT.
DANNY:
Lenny? did we put anyone up last night?
LENNYOOV)
No!
DANNY:
Then why have we got a seven foot giant sleeping on our
sofa?
LENNY ENTERS WITH TWO MUGS OF COFFEE.
LENNY:
We don't know anyone that tall,(PAUSE)also we don't
know anyone that tall with such small feet,(POINTING) I
mean, how does he stand up has he got any toes.
DANNY HANDS HIS COFFEE TO LENNY AND GOES TO
REMOVE BLANKET.
Careful son, (GESTURING WITH HEAD) he might be a
nutter.
DANNY:
Cheers, your a great support.
LENNY:
Do you want a gun?
DANNY:
Will you shut up! (GRABS BLANKET) I'll shoot you in a
minute, if he jumps me throw coffee over him.
LENNYGULPING HIS DOWN)
Ok, but he's not having mine.
DANNY:
Ready?
DANNY REMOVES BLANKET REVEALING A VILE LOOKING
HORROR MASK. THEY BOTH LET OUT COWARDLY SCREAMS,
THE REST OF COVERED BODY SITS UP BLANKET COVERING
REAL HEAD, LENNY SCREAMS THROWING COFFEE OVER
DANNY.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
BODYPOSH VOICE)
Bloody hell chaps, but what a damn good night that was!
DANNY:
You!
DANNY WIPES HIMSELF DOWN, REMOVED BLANKET REVEALS
BAZ.
BAZJUMPING UP)
Morning lads, fancy a coffee?
DANNY:
No thanks, I've just had one.(BAZ LEAVES ROOM)anyway we
better hurry up Baz, we'll be late for work,you know
we're working at that massage parlour today,(BAZ CHEERS
OOV) and you Lenny you've got your school runs this
morning.
LENNY:
I'm not going in today, I've got something on.
DANNY:
How can you afford to take a day off, you don't make
any money.You do know your the worst taxi driver in the
world don't you?
BAZ COME BACK IN.
LENNY:
I've been saving all my tips.
BAZ:
Oh come on Lenny old boy, the last tip you had was not
to eat all them pies, you didn't save that one.(LAUGHS)
DANNY:
You haven't still got that thing about Jack Sullivan,
he's not worth it.
LENNY:
Yes he is, he ruined my childhood, I've still got the
bruises you know, now I want to ruin him.
BAZ:
Ready when you are Danny boy.
DANNY:
Don't forget you haven't got a bad bone in your body,
so you don't want to mix it with the likes of Jack
Sullivan.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.
BAZ:
He's right you know young Leonard, all the bones you'll
have left will be broken ones.
LENNY:
I reckon I could have him.
STARTS SHADOW BOXING, THEN STOPS TO USE INHALER,
DANNY AND BAZ LEAVE. BAZ SITS DOWN AND STARTS TO
READ A KICK BOXING MAGAZINE, AFTER A FEW SECONDS
HE FALLS ASLEEP.
CURTAIN
5.
ACT 1
SCENE 2 INT: MASSAGE PARLOUR
DANNY AND BAZ ARE LEANING AGAINST COUNTER TALKING
TO THE MANAGER.
BAZ:
Good morning my good man,we're here to lay the floor,
could we see Gary please?
MANAGERSMARMY AND UNFRIENDLY)
I'm sorry there's nobody called Gary here, my names
Sebastian and I'm the manager ok?
DANNY:
Gary left has he?
BAZ:
Yeah we heard he was a smashing chap.(GESTURING TO A
SIGN)
MANAGER:
Oh the sign, Gary masseuse, ah, that needs cleaning
again,(CLEANS SIGN) that's not an R that's just dirt.
DANNY AND BAZ LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SILENTLY
MOUTH THE WORD "GAY" .
Right, behind here is the area to be laid, I'm sure it
won't take you long, you stay out here but you mustn't
go through there it's private.
BAZ:
What about your back doors then?
MANAGER:
I beg your pardon!
DANNY:
To get our gear in and out.
MANAGER:
Side door there, but I repeat don't go through there.
(WALKS OUT)
BAZ:
I say what a complete pillock he was, and how rude,
we're only here to help you know.
DANNY:
They always are Baz, people with routine don't like it
being interrupted,and that's where we come in,
tradesmen like us are always made to feel like sort of
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.
DANNY: (cont'd)
lower class and underachievers, yet we probably earn
more money than the people we're actually working for!
BAZ:
Danny Willis? Bang bang, what a speech, but basically
what your trying to say is?
DANNY:
What a great big tosser he was!
BAZ:
Here here!
A FEMALE MEMBER OF STAFF WALKS IN CARRYING SOME
TOWELS, BAZ PERKS UP.
Why hello there!
FEMALE:
Piss off, I'm a lesbian!
BAZ:
I say, don't apologize fluffy, perhaps we should go on
a date.
FEMALE:
And why would I want to do that?
BAZ:
Well, (PAUSE) I could cure you.
THE WOMAN SLAPS BAZ AROUND THE FACE.
Wow! I love a woman with spunk!
DANNY:
I see you haven't lost your magic touch.
BAZ:
Well you've either got it or you haven't.
FEMALE:
And you haven't, you twat, and where the hell did you
get that ridiculous accent from?
BAZ:
I'll have you know I was born and bred in the great
city of Portsmouth.
FEMALE:
Bollocks! nobody in Portsmouth or even the entire world
talks like that.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.
BAZ:
good breeding my delicious little pancake.
FEMALE:
Look he's off again!
DANNY:
Charles Dickens was born in Portsmouth.
FEMALE:
Oh right, then listen to this, he died over a hundred
years ago, so no Dickens here(POINTING TO HER PRIVATE
PARTS)ok?
BAZ:
I think I'm in love.
FEMALE:
I give up.(WALKS OUT)
DANNY WALKS TO FRONT OF PARLOUR AND LOOKS OUT OF
THE WINDOW.
DANNY:
What's Lenny doing over there?(PAUSE)he's parked
outside the bookies just sitting there.
BAZ:
Yes, and look at the car in front, the Merc with the
blacked out windows.
DANNY:
Sullivan!
BAZ:
That's him there coming out of the bookies with those
big hairy gorilla chappies.
DANNY:
He,s going to follow them, the great lump, what's he
going to do against them!
BAZ:
Come a very bad second I'd say. The Mercs pulling away,
quick Danny! we better stop him.(GOES TO LEAVE DANNY
GRABS BAZ'S ARM)
DANNY:
Don't worry Baz.
BAZ:
He's not following.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.
DANNY:
Thank God for narcolepsy.(BOTH LAUGH)
CURTAIN
9.
ACT 1
SCENE 3 INT: DANNYS HOUSE.
LENNY IS ALONE IN THE HOUSE MAKING A PHONE CALL.
LENNYHARD NUT VOICE)
Alright Sullivan, yeah shut up and listen, scum like
you should be taken off the streets, your a menace and
low life, and I'm the man to sort you out.(BACK TO
NORMAL VOICE)What?...oh...oh your putting me through to
Mr Sullivan now, ok, thank you, thank you.(BACK TO HARD
NUT VOICE) Hello? This is Lenny Smith and I'm coming to
get you.....Lenny Smith!(NORMAL VOICE) yeah, we went to
school together yeah..........Nothing(CLEARS THROAT
BACK TO HARD VOICE) There's nothing wrong with my
voice, what do I mean I'm coming to get you? I'll tell
you what I mean..........Erh yeah I'm still a cabbie,
pick you up at seven at the club?....He's hung up, Oh
bugger! I'm trying to scare him and he's only booked me
for a bleeding lift.
CURTAIN
10.
ACT 1
SCENE 4 INT: MASSAGE PARLOR
BAZ ENTERS A LOBBY AREA LOOKING FOR THE MANAGER.
BAZ:
Hello? Sebastian? we've finished.
BAZ STARTS LISTENING AT DOORS FOR SIGNS OF LIFE.
ONE OPENS AND A LARGE MAN IS STOOD IN DOORWAY.
MAN:
Hello, you my three o clock love?
BAZSTUTTERING)
Err.....err...no I..I..I
MAN:
Oh don't be shy come in!
PULLS BAZ IN AND SLAMS DOOR LONG PAUSE THEN DANNY
ENTERS.
DANNY:
One thing, that's all he had to do, one thing.
DANNY STARTS LISTENING AT DOORS FOR SIGNS OF LIFE,
ONE DOOR OPENS DANNY STEPS BACK LOOKING OTHER
WAY.TWO MEN LEAVE ROOM, THE MANAGER AND ANOTHER
MAN IN A WHITE DRESSING GOWN.
MANAGER:
You were strictly told not to come through here!
DANNY:
I came through to tell you we've finished!
MAN IN DRESSING GOWNDEEP MENACING VOICE)
You said I would have total privacy here!
MANAGER:
I'm so sorry Mr Sullivan, I do apologise.
MAN IN DRESSING GOWN SQUARES UP TO DANNY.
MAN IN DRESSING GOWN:
Who are you?
DANNY:
Oh I'm just a floorlayer.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.
SULLIVAN:
I know your face, do we know each other?
DANNYEFFEMINATE VOICE)
No, I don't normally come here.
SULLIVAN ANGERED IS USHERED AWAY THEN MANAGER
COMES BACK AND SQUARES UP TO DANNY.
MANAGER:
Mr?
DANNY:
Sullivan?
MANAGER:
Mr Sullivan would like you to know that you didn't see
him in here today, understand?
DANNY:
Let me see, I didn't see Mr Sullivan in a gay massage
parlor today,ok I'll make sure I remember
that.(PAUSE)Can I go now, so that I can go away and
remember what I'm supposed to forget?
MANAGER:
Ok?
MANAGER LEAVES, BAZ COMES OUT OF ROOM WITH MAN
STOOD IN DOORWAY SMILING.
DANNY:
Where the blooding hell have you been?
BAZ:
I didn't!
DANNY:
What?
BAZ:
Nowhere!
DANNYLOOKING AT MAN SMILING)
You've had a massage haven't you?
BAZ:
No I blooming well haven't!
DANNY:
You smell like you have.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.
BAZ:
What?
DANNY:
Baby oil.
BAZ:
Can we leave please?
DANNY:
Best we do.
DANNY AND BAZ START TO LEAVE.
BAZ:
I was only measuring the floor you know.
DANNY:
You smell lovely Baz.
CURTAIN
13.
ACT 1
SCENE 5 DANNY'S HOUSE.
BAZ ENTERS AND WALKS AROUND THE ROOM SUSPICIOUSLY
WITH A MAGAZINE UNDER HIS ARM. HE SITS DOWN
TURNING THE MAGAZINE AS HE LOOKS AT IT. LENNY
ENTERS UNSEEN BY BAZ.
BAZ:
Blimey,(PAUSE) Not sure about you treacle,(PAUSE)Ding
dong, open your doors to Barrington Lightfoot. There's
nothing like a good read to give you an appetite.
LENNYLEANING OVER BAZ)
Yep(BAZ JUMPS HOLDING HIS HEART)By the look of some of
these girls they do a hell of a lot of reading(LAUGHS)
BAZ:
Don't do that to me Lenny,I'm too young to die, I want
to go blind first.(LAUGHS)
LENNY:
Sorry mate, I'm off now, I'll see you later.
BAZ:
Anywhere nice old boy?
LENNY:
No not really, I'm just off to go and get Jack
Sullivan, see you later (LEAVES)
BAZ:
Toodle pip Leonard(PAUSE)What?(RUNS TO FRONT
DOOR)Lenny? damn he's gone. ( PICKS PHONE UP AND
DIALS)Danny? he's only gone to duff Sullivan
up,(PAUSE)A minute ago, what are we going to do? I mean
what's he going to do? I mean what an idiot, wait till
I see him, I going to bloody well hit him!(PAUSES TO
GET BREATH)I am calm, Where are you?(PAUSE)Right I'm
coming to get you, good job I was southeast
middleweight boxing champion of 93(PAUSE)I bloody well
was, see you in a jiffy Danny boy.
HANGS UP AND LEAVES.
CURTAIN
14.
ACT 1
SCENE 6 INT SULLIVANS OFFICE
LOW LIT OFFICE WITH A DESK, SULLIVAN IS SAT BEHIND
DESK AND LENNY IS SAT IN FRONT.
SULLIVANPOURING A DRINK)
It's really good to see you Lenny after all these
years, we had some good times at school didn't we?
LENNY:
Well you did.
SULLIVAN:
I can't believe your a cabbie mate, I remember when
everyone else wanted to be footballers or film stars,
you always wanted to be a taxi driver, that always made
me laugh.
LENNY EMOTIONLESS.
But at least we fulfilled our ambitions eh?
LENNY:
Did you always want to be a gangster then?
SULLIVAN:
What? No a rich and successful businessman,Oh
(LAUGHS)Very funny Lenny,I remember when you was in my
gang.
LENNY:
Was I?
SULLIVAN:
Yeah, you looked after me, always giving me money you
was.
LENNY:
You took it off me! it was my dinner money.
SULLIVAN:
Funny how we always seemed to go out with the same
girls aswell.
LENNY:
At the same time as they were with me.
SULLIVAN:
Yeah well that was years ago and it's all forgotten
about now.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 15.
LENNYCOVERING MOUTH)
Bleeding ain't.
SULLIVAN:
Anyway it's good of you to come and pick me up Lenny I
didn't realise I booked you.
LENNY:
Neither did I.
SULLIVAN:
Your voice sounds a bit different from earlier,whats up
with it now?
LENNYHARD NUT VOICE)
Well actually.
DOOR SUDDENLY FLIES OPEN AND DANNY AND BAZ COME
STUMBLING IN.
DANNY:
Leave him alone Sullivan, he's not a threat to you!
SULLIVAN:
Are these two jokers with you?
LENNY:
I've never seen them before in my life.
BAZ:
Don't worry Lenny your safe now we're here!
SULLIVAN:
What do you mean safe? I've only booked him for a lift!
BAZ:
I don't think so Capone, Lenny's come here to get his
dinner money back!
SULLIVAN:
Is this true?
LENNY WITH A FRIGHTENED SMILE.
And your the cavalry are you?
DANNY:
Look, we don't want any trouble, we'll just take Lenny
and be on our way?
SULLIVAN:
Too late for that, my boys are on their way up
SULLIVAN WALKS UP TO DANNY.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 16.
SULLIVAN: (cont'd)
I know your face.
DANNY STEPS BACK.
DANNYIN LOTS OF PAIN)
My shoulders killing me (MORE PAIN)
BAZ:
Excuse me for a mo,(PULLS DANNY TO ONE SIDE)What are
you doing Danny? were about to get a thrashing of Al
Pacino and the Mitchell brothers, and you want a bloody
rub down!
SULLIVANSTEPS BACK IN HORROR)
Look lads, I think there's been a bit of a
misunderstanding, it's ok I'll book another cab, you
boys get on your way.
DANNY AND BAZ LOOKING RELIEVED GESTURE TO LENNY TO
LEAVE, AND WALK TO EXIT , LENNY STANDS UP.
LENNY:
Lost your bottle then have you sullivan!
DANNY AND BAZ TURN AROUND IN HORROR.
You've met your matches here my son!
BAZ:
Shut up Lenny you buffoon!
DANNY:
Come on let's go!
GRABBING LENNY'S ARMS, LENNY BREAKS FREE.
LENNY:
I'm the daddy now!
SULLIVAN:
Don't push it!
SULLIVAN SQUARES UP TO LENNY, LENNY SITS BACK
DOWN. LONG PAUSE AS SULLIVAN BACKS AWAY STARING AT
ALL THREE MEN.
LENNY:
In fact I don't know if we can let you off that easily.
LENNY FALLS ASLEEP.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 17.
SULLIVAN:
What's he doing now? Is he dead?
DANNY:
Er no, he was sleepwalking, in fact he's still asleep,
he doesn't even know he's here, he won't remember a
thing tomorrow.(FALSE SMILE)
SULLIVAN:
Get him out of here before I change my mind, I don't
want to see you three again ok!
SULLIVAN LEAVES.DANNY AND BAZ GRAB LENNY AND DRAG
HIM AWAY.
BAZ:
That was a damn bit of luck, his falling asleep like
that, thought we was going to get a right pasting
there, I don't know what we would have done if he had
carried on.
DANNY PULLS A BASEBALL BAT FROM UNDER HIS COAT AND
TOSSES IT AWAY.
DANNY:
No, me neither, come on!
THEY DRAG LENNY OUT.
THE END.
If you had the patience to read this, thanks.
George.
