Sitcom: Top Of The World
Episode: It's About Time
by D.Katz
Characters:
Oscar (40-45): the manager of IT Administration at a big company (He is from Sweden)
Pawel (35-40): works for the manager (He is from Poland)
Thomas (25-30): a new guy (He is from UK)
Props:
two tables with chairs, not too close together
company policies (a book or a binder with papers)
a sound effect: something big, wooden falling over (preferably a grandfather clock)
The Play
--------
The scene is quite dark to begin with.
Pawel is sleeping in a chair by a table, barely visible.
Oscar enters and turns on the lights. He walks around, does some routine stuff until he is surprised by seeing Pawel. Oscar screams. Pawel wakes up and screams as well.
Oscar: For f**k sake, Pawel. What are you doing here?
Pawel: I'm working.
Oscar: At eight o'clock in the morning?
Pawel (rubbing his eyes): Yeah? What's wrong with that, Oscar. A lot of people work at eight o'clock in the morning.
Oscar: Yeah, but not you, my dear Pawel. I know you. I've been your boss for thirteen odd years now and you never slouch in before nine o'clock unless... [beat] Has your mother thrown you out again?
Pawel: What? Mother? Nah, why should she throw me out? It was father.
Oscar: What's the matter this time? Didn't take out the garbage? Wouldn't make your bed?
Pawel: Bah, you wouldn't understand. My parents are demanding.
Oscar: Parents are. That's why you leave them. In your twenties.
Oscar sniffs the air then sniffs Pawel and says:
Oscar: Don't tell me. You've been here all night.
Pawel: Alright, I won't tell you.
Oscar: You know, you can't spend the whole night at the office. It's against every rule and regulation. I'm the one who has to take the blame if anything happens. Everybody will think I'm a slave-driver who doesn't care about my employees and their families.
Pawel: But I...
Oscar: Yeah, I know. You're my only employee and you haven't got a family. Just your old, senile parents. But this is not about you. It's about me and what my boss will think about me.
Pawel: My parents aren't senile.
Oscar: Anyone who's pushing 80 is senile.
Pawel: How can you...
Oscar: It's the principle. I don't want to look like a cold, heartless manager.
Pawel: My mother...
Oscar: That never takes the time to listen to his employees.
Pawel: She has always...
Oscar: Oh, shut the f**k up, will you.
Pawel crosses his arms in protest.
Oscar: And you know you mustn't draw attention to yourself. Or me. Or this department for that matter.
Pawel: Nobody knows I stayed the night.
Oscar: Doesn't matter. We have a plan. Remember?
Pawel: The Plan? Yeah.
Oscar: Nothing must interfere with The Plan. We can't risk it.
Pawel: [formal] "Getting away with as much money as is humanly possible." It's a good plan.
Oscar: One got to earn one's living.
Pawel: Some things in life don't come cheap.
Oscar: Like a Swiss bank account with millions and millions in it.
Pawel: Yeah, we sure deserve a lot more than our salaries.
Oscar: Some of us do, yes. Thing is if you start pulling all-nighters you'll get the eyes on you.
Pawel: The eyes? Of Sauron? He's only got one eye. Huge and single.
Oscar: He's not the only one, stupid. Who do you think will be the first suspect if anything goes, eh... missing at the company. The guy who works eight to five or the guy hiding out at the company's premises all night. By the way, didn't the night watchman see you?
Pawel: Er, no, I managed to avoid him.
Oscar: Avoid him? Now, that's not suspicious at all, avoiding the watchman.
Pawel: Yeah, but that's only because I owe him money.
Oscar turns in disgust and starts talking to himself.
Oscar: So I have to come in early today. Why? Because the boss wants to see me. So why does the boss want to talk to me early in the morning? Now that I don't know. So guess what. I can't sleep all night 'cause I don't know. I'm worrying. Why am I worrying? 'Cause it might be about my position. About my future. If there's one thing I really hate it's worrying about the future. If I'd like to worry about the future I'd become a prophet and entered finance.
Pawel: So why do you try to scam the company out of money?
Oscar: If there's one thing I hate more than worrying about the future it's worrying about lack of funds in the future. And I'm not scamming. I'm applying temporal shifting methods to the figures according to the latest practices of evasive accountancy. I'm just ahead of my time.
Pawel: I wonder how you can sleep at night.
Oscar: I have the softest and most comfortable bed in the world. It cost me a fortune.
Pawel leans back in his chair and puts his arms behind his head.
Pawel: Still. We've got the office at the top of the building. They can't take that away.
Oscar: Yes they can. We've only got the top of the building because the roof is leaking.
Pawel: Well, my parents are very proud to hear I work at the top of the company.
Oscar: Not senile, eh?
Oscar straightens out his clothes.
Oscar: Now I have to go down and see MY boss.
Pawel: Good luck.
Oscar: Indeed. Good lick.
Oscar leaves.
Pawel goes back to sleep, head back, mouth open.
After a short while Thomas enters. He sees Pawel and walks over discreetly.
Thomas: Ahem.
Pawel does not wake up.
Thomas: Ahem.
Thomas: AHEM!
Pawel wakes up with a scream.
Pawel: ARRGH! I'm working, I'm working.
Thomas: How do you do. My name is Thomas.
Pawel: Thomas?
Thomas: Thomas. This is my first day.
Pawel: Eh, hi Thomas? I'm Pawel.
Thomas: So this is IT Administration? I was sent here.
Pawel: Er, so you're new here?
Thomas: I've never worked before. I'm really looking forward to it.
Pawel: You are?
Thomas: You work here?
Pawel: Of course. Can't you see that?
Thomas: Hmm... I wouldn't know. Is this what it looks like?
Pawel: What?
Thomas: Work.
Pawel: Yes. At least before ten o'clock.
Thomas: What happens then?
Pawel: I show up.
Thomas looks around.
Thomas: Work, work, work. So this is work. I've been looking forward to it for a very long time. I remember my first day at University. I didn't have any thoughts about University that day, only work. What would it be like? My first day at work. People working. Me working. To tell you the truth, I'm a bit nervous.
Pawel: There's nothing to be nervous about.
Thomas: Isn't there?
Pawel: No, you work you get paid.
Thomas: But how is the manager? Authoritative?
Pawel: The boss?
Thomas: Yes, the person in charge. Is he or she commanding?
Pawel: He's okay I think. Not too demanding but you don't want to get on the wrong side of him.
Thomas: Oh? Otherwise he'll give you a stern look and a black reprimand? Ah, the shame...
Thomas gets a dreamy look in his face.
Thomas: Work. Workplace. So this is where I will be of benefit to the company.
Pawel: Toiling away for the company, yes.
Thomas: Do you mind if I start now?
Pawel: Toiling?
Thomas: Working.
Pawel: That's what I said. There's a table and a chair over there. Why don't you start by reading the company policies. I think they're over there somewhere.
Thomas: Of course, the company policies. Every company must have them. Excellent start. Thanks.
Pawel: Please let me know if you find anything interesting.
Thomas walks over to the other table and searches for the Company Policies (a book or a binder).
After a short while Oscar gets back. He does not notice Thomas.
Oscar: Bad news. Guess what the boss wanted.
Pawel: To have the top floor back?
Oscar: Nah. Worse.
Pawel: Worse? What can be worse that having to give up the top floor?
Oscar: He's giving us a new guy. Just like that.
Pawel: A new guy? Isn't that great? It's about time.
Oscar: Great? Are you out of your mind?
Pawel: No. Why?
Oscar: We don't need new people.
Pawel: No?
Oscar: Think. There's two of us. That's more than enough.
Pawel: If you say so.
Oscar: This is IT Administration. Right? What is that? Two lists. One, computers in. Two, computers out. The only reason I need you here is to cover up the discrepancies between them.
Thomas gets up from his table and starts walking discreetly without a sound towards Oscar and Pawel.
Pawel: Yes, but listen...
Oscar: Now a third person is about to enter. Is he honest? Is he trustworthy? Can I count on him to cover up for me?
Pawel: Hrrmm...
Oscar: I don't think so. Now you I can trust because you're a spineless nobody and I've taken care of you since you moved here from Poland with your parents God-knows-when. I gave you this job, remember?
Pawel: Yeah.
Oscar: I only did that because I'm a foreigner myself.
Pawel: Yes, yes, you Swedes are generous. Very generous at reminding people how generous you are.
Oscar: The important thing is that we have an agreement. Right?
Pawel: Right. But see...
Thomas has reached them and is now behind Oscar.
Oscar: But a new guy? The very moment he finds out what we are doing here he can go straight to the bigwigs.
Pawel: Ahem!
Oscar: Then he'll be the new boss of IT Administration and we are out on the street. If we're lucky enough to stay out of jail.
Pawel (in load voice): AHEM!
Pawel points frenetically to Thomas who stands behind Oscar.
Oscar turns around and is surprised to see Thomas.
Thomas: How do you do. My name is Thomas. This is my first day.
Oscar: First day, you say? You're new around here?
Thomas: Yes, I start today.
Oscar: Starting today, are you? Special day first day is.
Thomas: Yes. I'm looking forward to it. My name is Thomas.
Oscar: So, where are you supposed to be, Thomas?
Thomas: IT Administration. I was sent here.
Oscar: IT Administration you say...
Oscar thinks hard and comes up with something.
Oscar: Yes! I'm Oscar. I'm the manager around here. Let me show you the way. It's a couple of floors down.
Thomas: No, this is it.
Oscar: No, this is not. This is ID Administration. You know, identification and things.
Thomas: ID Administration?
Oscar: Yes. Ha ha. You're not the first one. Why would a company name two departments so similarly, I'll never know.
Thomas: Yes why would they?
Oscar: You know how big companies are. Ha ha.
Thomas: They are ha ha?
Oscar: Come, I'll show you to IT Administration. It's just past the grandfather clock.
Thomas: Eh, the what?
Oscar: Just follow me.
Thomas: But the elevator is that way.
Oscar: Never mind that.
They walk away (out of the stage). A short while later there is a very loud crash when a grandfather clock falls over. It is then followed by a horrible scream and a terrible gurgle from Thomas as he dies a horrible death.
Oscar comes back (on stage) dragging his foot, trying to get something of his shoe.
Oscar: I knew we shouldn't have kept that grandfather clock over there.
Pawel: You mean where the floor is old and particularly unsteady?
Oscar: Precisely. And I'm not sure why the new guy would step in front of the clock and start tugging at it screaming "No, no, please, for the love of God" until it fell on him. There was nothing I could do.
Pawel: Spontaneous insanity attack? He said he was nervous.
Oscar: Better tell that to the police. It was his first day at work after all. Anybody would be psyched out for less.
Pawel: I remember my first day. Psyched out for a week.
Oscar: Poor guy. I don't think we'll ever know for sure but I'm pretty certain about one thing. We can finally get some insurance money out of that old grandfather clock. It's about time.
*end*
