Thanks so much, Deference, I'm not brave enough to leave it up.
My Sitcom mission Entry
I liked a few things about this. It had a story with a start, middle and end. I liked the fact that it had scene changes which helped to break the story up into nice chunks. The medium you had at your disposal, ie basic set, a few actors and a few chairs, were considered wisely and carefully woven into the story. It was also well written. I did like the reveal about it being the wrong house that got decorated and the end result where they basically saw nil pence after all the hard work.
On the downside I didn't find it funny I'm afraid. Not one titter. However, this does not mean that it is not a funny piece to the right person. As we all know comedy is subjective and it may well be that your humour and my humour occupy different continents. I would also add that I think there were a few too many instructions to the actors of how to say certain lines or how to behave in a certain manner. Having spent a day with Simon & Declan I still recall them saying how actors dislike being told how to do their job and it is down to their skill to interpret how to act your script.
Anyway those are my thoughts. I know that it is daunting to post your work in critique, so much praise to you for being brave enough to post this up.
Def.
Quote: bushbaby @ March 16 2011, 10:10 PM GMTThanks so much, Deference, I'm not brave enough to leave it up
I got to read it some of it last night and was just about to read some more!
but what I did read was good, it was involving, the characters were believable and some funny observations in the lines
Come on BB let's have it back up! 
Quote: bushbaby @ March 16 2011, 10:10 PM GMTThanks so much, Deferenz I'm not brave enough to leave it up
It was a good piece BB and showed that you know how to write. I don't think you should have removed it.
Def.
Is that bitterness in the thread title or just a typo?
A typo David.........it's a good one though, eh? LOL
Quote: bushbaby @ March 16 2011, 10:10 PM GMTThanks so much, Deference, I'm not brave enough to leave it up
That's not fair, I put mine on citique after all your help lol.
So sorry Bighead and to any others looking in, I lost my nerve, came back later to delete and Deference had already posted
Hey - I'd love to read it. You've read a bit of mine before and were very positive. If you want - PM it to me and I'll give my thoughts. Mine is up here, "Suburban Bohemia - Episode 1". I'd love to read and be read - critique and be critiqued!
I actually had a quick read of this last night, and was going to read it again today before posting a critique! Anyway...
Positives:
Professional, well-written script.
Good dialogue, and some nice jokes.
Jon is a good character, and might have many layers.
The story was well thought out, and moved along at a nice pace.
Negatives:
I didn't like the nerdy guy Steve. I immediately thought of that annoying Michael character in "My Family".
I didn't get a sense of Steve and Vicky's relationship.
It wasn't laugh out loud funny, but I'm not sure if it was meant to be or not.
This was what I gathered from a quick read through, and I hope you don't mind taking a critique from a whippersnapper like myself.
The fact that I remembered their names might also be a positive...
Quote: Derry Dee @ March 17 2011, 12:48 PM GMTI actually had a quick read of this last night, and was going to read it again today before posting a critique! Anyway...
Positives:
Professional, well-written script.
Good dialogue, and some nice jokes.
Jon is a good character, and might have many layers.
The story was well thought out, and moved along at a nice pace.Negatives:
I didn't like the nerdy guy Steve. I immediately thought of that annoying Michael character in "My Family".
I didn't get a sense of Steve and Vicky's relationship.
It wasn't laugh out loud funny, but I'm not sure if it was meant to be or not.This was what I gathered from a quick read through, and I hope you don't mind taking a critique from a whippersnapper like myself.
The fact that I remembered their names might also be a positive...
Thanks so much for that. It is so difficult to get everything right, as I'm sure we all know. I did Steve as a nerd to try and contrast him to Jon.
It is laugh out loud funny when acted out, [ she says modestly] but my work mostly is not funny on the page......that's my downfall, eh?
I didn't really think about Steve/Vicky's relationship, I thought the reader may pick up that because one is an actor and the other a singer, they'd met because of their work and just happened to both pay rent at Jon's they're not 'in' a relationship, just rentees.
I read some of it last night too, but I found the dialogue clunky and the jokes didn't seem to flow naturally, you were firing off at a tangent to shoe-horn in the gags. You also had a version of the Monkhhouse gag "...I can still enjoy sex at 74 which is great because I live at 75." quite early on which jarred. Your start just felt a bit heavy-handed in trying to establish the characters. Obviously this is only based on the brief read I got yesterday but these were things I thought might be why your script was rejected. Post it back up and you might get more detailed feedback.
I forgot about the sight gags too. A script never does those justice.
Those would surely come across better on the stage, or on TV.