Different type of critique required please

I'm an old buffer and have realised I am not very much in touch with the modern younger parlance.
I have two daughters aged 25 and 23 and I try and listen to how their conversations are constructed (without being too nosy you understand) and it's not so much the sentences but the 'buzz' words.
For example in the excerpt below, I have used 'chick' to describe a girl. I am pretty sure they don't use that word (or do they?) So if some of you 'cool and trendy' young peeps could put me right on a few more appropriate words and of course , critique as normal. I would be grateful.

DAY. EXT. BUSY STREET.

GIRL STANDING ALONE WITH BIG YELLOW FLOWER IN THE LAPEL OF HER COAT.

A YOUNG MAN WALKS BY TALKING SO LOUDLY INTO HIS MOBILE PHONE
THAT THE WHOLE STREET CAN HEAR HIS CONVERSATION.

MAN ON PHONE: (his conversation is at full volume all The time)
Yes dude, I'm here now. No sign of the chick.
(HE TURNS AROUND TO PASS HER AGAIN)
yeah, she said she would be wearing a big flower on her coat.

(THE GIRL REALISES THIS MUST BE THE MAN SHE IS TO MEET)

MAN ON PHONE (cont)
Probably clocked me and realised I'm out of her league.

THE GIRL QUICKLY REMOVES THE FLOWER

MAN ON PHONE (cont)
I'll tell you this Al, don't use dateforyou.com
it's a load of shite. They never turn up.
(beat) yeah, I'm sacking this again
I'll see you in the pub in half an hour.

THE GIRL WATCHES HIM WANDER OFF STILL TALKING.
WE HEAR SNIPPETS OF CONVERSATION ALTHOUGH
HE IS GETTING FAR AWAY.

MAN ON PHONE (cont)
Probably a munter anyway Al, HAHAHAHAHA.

ROLL OPENING CREDITS, MUSIC AND TITLE

TITLE: THE RIGHTEOUS SISTERS.

DAY. INT. PUBLIC HOUSE.

THE GIRL IN THE STREET SITS DOWN AT A TABLE WITH ANOTHER GIRL SAT THERE.

GIRL SAT AT TABLE (FRANCES)
Where is he then?
Did he blob?

GIRL IN STREET (KATY)
No, he showed up alright.

FRANCES
Ugly?

KATY
No, he was a Moby Dick

FRANCIS
Oh, fat

KATY
No, one of those that talks at the top of his voice on his phone.
a 'mobi-dick'

FRANCIS
ahh

I like that Stephen, I'd like to read more. I don't know about chick but I do know a heck of a lot of jargon from my grand children

Don't they call girls Fillies or Damsels these days?

Chick does sound a bit out of date. Just say 'no sign of her'.

Or 'da bitch', if you want to be really street.

Nice sketch Ste

I like to use the word 'bint', but I know from experience that others do not look upon it as fondly.

I'm liking 'da bitch' it fits the character.

I am writing the full pilot at the moment. I have high hopes for this 'sitcom' so I am going to need a lot of the 'street' words.

And it's the first time I have tried to write two female lead parts.

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ March 16 2011, 4:16 PM GMT

I'm liking 'da bitch' it fits the character.

I am writing the full pilot at the moment. I have high hopes for this 'sitcom' so I am going to need a lot of the 'street' words.

And it's the first time I have tried to write two female lead parts.

View original

smashed or wasted = drunk
It seems to be 'guys' when girls are talking about blokes.
awesome was an in word but that seems to have changed to...amazing
Da bitch is sort of patois and is perhaps used by teenagers but not sort of from 20 upwards, but it is good.

I'd let you have more but one grandkid is working on cruise ships and the other having a ball round Thailand/ozzy etc so I don't get to hear them these days

Awesome is still going strong.

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ March 16 2011, 4:16 PM GMT

I'm liking 'da bitch' it fits the character.

I am writing the full pilot at the moment. I have high hopes for this 'sitcom' so I am going to need a lot of the 'street' words.

And it's the first time I have tried to write two female lead parts.

View original

Depending on how obnoxious you want to make him, I've heard 'the fanny' used to describe women before. Also fanny is a funny word.

P.S....'cool' is still in and 'sounds like a plan' [when someone comes up with an idea or which club to go to etc]

Those two things are also correct. I also say "Good plan, Batman." But that might just be me. I'm not a normal young person.

they also say 'do one' when they want you to move away.
They don't say all this to their gran BTW LOL

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ March 16 2011, 4:16 PM GMT

I'm liking 'da bitch' it fits the character.

I am writing the full pilot at the moment. I have high hopes for this 'sitcom' so I am going to need a lot of the 'street' words.

And it's the first time I have tried to write two female lead parts.

View original

If the character is a foul-mouthed moron, then "Da Bitch" is alright.

If he's just another blokey bloke, then I would go for "she-goat".

He is not particuarly foul mouthed - just an idiot where girls are concerned.
Him and Al meet Frances and Katy (unbeknowingly)and are sadly, eaten for breakfast.

I would use "bird" instead of "chick" in that instance but what do I know. If the girl heard him calling her a bitch id guess shed have worse stuff to say about him than he talks too loud, probably

The only thing I'd be careful about is being too hip. Words go through phases and by the time we catch up them, the yoof have moved on. I just got in on random, thought I was okay on buff (fit is what I think most of us would recongise) but that has now transmuted into peng (which must only be used by girls. Or of course Riley Major could be winding me up!). The other source of confusion is whether something is good or not. Bad is so eighties. The word for now is sick. And everything should be qualified by well as in well sick.