Also my first writing attempt.
Cheers!
SAPPHIRE.
Eight Green Bottles.
Three house mates sitting down watching television.
Tara, attractive, on sofa with a newspaper doing the crossword and occasionally looking at the TV.
Alex on an arm chair with a ponderous look
Julian, athlete sitting on arm chair.
ALEX: That would never happen (shakes head)
TARA: (writes in newspaper crossword) Cir-cum-ci-sion. (looks up) Ooh he's fit. Who's he?
ALEX: (laughs) A car just wouldn't explode like that. (shakes head again)
TARA: Actually he's better. Fit, evil and mad, and did I say FIT?
JULIAN: (clearly agitated) Yes you did! You're always telling us about the gentlemen you find most attractive, whether we want to hear it or not. And it's not!
TARA: Not what?
JULIAN: Not what we want to hear.
TARA: Eh? Look can you keep it down, you're spoiling the film. Now, he IS fit.
ALEX: He obviously hasn't had proper weapons training. You should never walk around in that situation with your finger on the trigger.
TARA: He can do what he wants, looking like that.
film ends
JULIAN: Thanks guys. You've just ruined another film.
TARA: Chill out virgin. Anyway, how come you're here and not splashing about in boats?
JULIAN: The river's frozen and we can't go rowing, and the coach has given us the day off. I don't want to go out, as it's freezing, so I decided to watch TV. That spy thriller looked really good, and it might be, I have no idea, thanks to you two!
(Alex and Tara share a 'what's he going on about?' look)
And I am not a virgin, just haven't been with a girl for a little while.
ALEX: A big while.
TARA: I've never seen you with anyone. Maybe you're one of those born again virgins?
(Julian makes a noise, conceding that it's not worth arguing about)
ALEX: Anyway, I'm off to buy some beaver glue.
JULIAN: What?
ALEX: I'm off to buy some beaver glue.
JULIAN: What's beaver glue?
ALEX: Glue made by beavers.
JULIAN: You mean, the brand of glue is beaver?
ALEX: No. The glue is made by beavers, and is the strongest glue in the world. The beavers use it to help with the construction of their dams. The glue is very unique in that it is activated on contact with water.
Curiously, the really strong glue is made by beavers in the French areas of Canada. The beavers in the English speaking areas do make glue, but it's not very strong. It's a bit like a pritt stick or the sticky stuff on post-it notes. In fact, Canadian beavers are the only beavers in the world who make glue. Brazilian beavers do make a similar substance, but it's more of a wax. It makes good candles though.
JULIAN: Right...
ALEX: Actually beavers getting stuck to dams is becoming quite a bit of a problem in French Canadian areas like Quebec. Because the beavers, you see, are often wet and if the glue in the dam hasn't yet set, that can form a bond with the beaver, if any contact were to take place.
JULIAN: So, what do you need glue like that for?
ALEX: I'm going to use it to fix my cricket bat. See you later.(leaves)
(Julian unsure how to react. Tara fixed on her crossword, her phone rings)
TARA: (on phone) Hi... No, I'm staying in. It's too cold outside, I'll freeze my nipples off. And it looks like it's just started raining. Anyway, I'm keeping my lonely house mate company. He can't go rowing as the river's frozen...Yeah I know. I don't get it either. He's fit and girls throw themselves at him. And somehow he hasn't had any for four years.
ALEX: (away from view) Six years (door closes)
TARA: (laughs)See you soon, bye. (hangs up)
JULIAN: Who was that?
TARA: Ben, the gentleman.
JULIAN: Just how many boyfriends have you got?
TARA: He is not my boyfriend. I have, A, boyfriend, Simon.
JULIAN: Who are the other guys?
TARA: They're all... my little helpers.
JULIAN: All?
TARA: Yes, there's Ben 'the gentleman', who I can go out with and not feel threatened, no matter how drunk I get, John who is kind of like a general handyman, Jack is my computer guy, Gareth has this amazing car, and there's Cliff...
JULIAN: Cliff?
TARA: Yes Cliff, he's my dance partner. Tim is the well connected society bloke who takes me to all the best parties, to polo matches, and to places like Ascot and Wimbledon. And Tom, well Tom,(sigh) is just so beautiful. (stares into space smiling)
JULIAN: And you don't sleep with any of them?
TARA: No, not really.
JULIAN: Not really?
TARA: (back to the crossword) Figure twelve surrounds horse... Nonagon Yes! Tits like this and brains.
JULIAN: Well, you've blown my monkey analogy out of the water.
TARA: Monkey what?
JULIAN: It's just this idea that women in relationships behave like a monkey swinging through the trees.
TARA: Huh?
JULIAN: You see, the monkey has hold of a branch, and that monkey won't let go of that branch until it's got a firm grip on another branch. But just to be safe, the monkey also has it's tail wrapped around a third branch.
TARA: You calling me a monkey?
JULIAN: No. Not really. It's an analogy, you know, a way of explaining things...
TARA:...I know what an analogy is. Are you saying I'm a monkey?
JULIAN: No. Well, yes in this example. Except in your case you have seven tails.
TARA: And I guess considering the state of your love life, you haven't developed an opposable thumb? You ain't holding on to anything. You're just scurrying along on the ground looking longingly up at all the lovely branches. My analogy of you. (she smiles)
As you're so crap and probably desperate, how come you've never tried it on with me?
JULIAN: I'm not going to be one of your minions. I can't think of anything worse than being at your beck and call twenty four hours a day, and I don't even fancy you any more.
TARA: You fancied me?
JULIAN: At first, you are quite attractive you know?
TARA: I know.
JULIAN: But that soon passed. What with your dubious hygiene, inability to fill or empty the dish washer and your refusal to buy toilet paper.
TARA: I told you, I don't use toilet paper.
JULIAN: And I told you I'm not having this discussion with you again, ever again. Anyway, if I did sleep with you, something would probably go wrong and you'd tell everyone.
TARA: Yeah, good point.
JULIAN: But if I was number eight, what would be my use?
TARA: It's number nine, and...(thinks for a while) well, what can you do? Of any use that is?
JULIAN: I'm a good oar?
TARA: I said, of any use? It's only rowing, how hard can it be? You can't be that good anyway, you're always practising, and it's just doing the same action over and over and over again. I'm bored just talking about it.
JULIAN: It's one of the toughest endurance sports in the world. You have to train that hard just to be competitive.
TARA: You're just posing, in those leotards. Not that I'm complaining. It's well documented that I'm a fan of the buff male form on show.
JULIAN: They're not leotards. They're... oh what's the point.
Tara giggles and Julian sticks his tongue out. All attention is at the TV
TARA: I love this advert. He's so fit.
JULIAN: That whole sailor thing looks a bit gay, actually, very gay. It's an advert for women and gay men. No straight guy would buy that er...perfume.
TARA: And your leotards are really straight? Actually my boyfriend wears it. We both do, he has the his version and I have the hers.
JULIAN: I bet you bought it for him.
TARA:Yeah, but (shrugs)
(Julian looks smug
Silence as they both watch the television)
TARA: My boyfriend has been going to the gym a lot recently and he's really buffing up, six pack and everything. But you know, I think I preferred him a bit flabby.
JULIAN: There's just no pleasing some people. I thought you'd be pleased, you're always going on about the 'fit' blokes on the telly.
TARA: Yes but, it just makes me feel so insecure, knowing that all the other girls might be eyeing up my boyfriend.
He told me recently that he isn't sure if he can trust me.
JULIAN: (sarcastically) Yeah, he's barking up the wrong tree there.
TARA: (unaware of the comment) I just wish I knew what went on in men's minds?
JULIAN: Firstly, you really don't. Secondly, MENS MINDS? You women are never happy. You see it all the time with the rowers girlfriends. They like the idea of going out with a 'fit' athlete. Then they complain that all he does is 'row and train', and 'doesn't spend enough time with me'. The poor guy then gives up the sport, but is she pleased? No! Now he 'doesn't do anything', he's 'getting fat', he's 'around me all the time', he's 'crowding me'. Then he gets dumped and she runs off with another branch.
TARA: And?
JULIAN: With listening to you and seeing what happens with my friends girlfriends, I think I'm best out of the whole thing.
TARA: Like it's a choice?
JULIAN: So? I'm a bit crap with girls.
TARA: A bit? It's like saying, Hitler was a bit right wing.
Julian mocks a laugh and stands up
JULIAN: Tea?
TARA: You know I don't drink tea. But you can go to the supermarket and get me some of those chocolate biscuits with the caramel in them. They're the best!
JULIAN: It's polite to ask and I'm not going out just to get you biscuits.
TARA: I'll let you have one.
JULIAN: You really do just expect me to go? (she nods) Do you get everything done for you?
TARA: Pretty much. Never mind I'll just call John. The handyman will solve all my biscuit needs.
(dials phone)
Hi, it's me. Can you get me some of my biscuits, honey.
Oh... right... OK, bye.
(Julian, enters with a cup of tea)
TARA: John's got another girlfriend and she won't let him see me. Can you believe that? He'd rather be with some frumpy bint, than be my handyman.
JULIAN: I thought they weren't your boyfriends?
TARA: Shut up.
JULIAN: If one green bottle should accidentally fall, there'd be seven green bottles...
TARA: I said shut up.
JULIAN: You could call one of your other saps.
(Tara picks up her phone.)
TARA: (on phone) Hi Gareth sweetie... (tone changes)Oh sorry to hear that... hope he gets well soon... bye.
Oh my god. He's had a car accident.
JULIAN: Is he OK?
TARA: Well his wife just said he's fine.(more serious) But the car's a complete wright off.
JULIAN: Did you know he was married?
TARA: The bastard.
JULIAN: Guess not...
TARA: ... I looked so good in that car. In the summer with my shades on, the top down, sexy dress, tanned thighs, it was the ultimate accessory.
(Tara's phone rings)
TARA: Ben! I was just thinking about you, you and... What's that noise?
Oh my god... No! No! Go away!
JULIAN: What...
TARA: ...I don't want to talk about it.(pause) Ben just isn't the gentleman I thought he was. He's a... He's a... Morris dancer! (light-hearted) Don't say a thing!
JULIAN: Not quite fitting with the model image eh?
TARA: Quite.(pleading) Please get the biscuits, I'm in shock.
JULIAN: No. But I'll bet that being involved with a model, he was the toast of... whatever a group of Morris dancers is.
And you know, you're now down to five green bottles?
TARA: It doesn't matter. I'm very happy with Simon. He satisfies all my boy-friending needs.
JULIAN: Really?
TARA: (deflated) No. He doesn't have a nice sports car...
JULIAN: ...Nor does Gareth now...
TARA: ...he can't fix computers, he isn't that well connected, he's got two left feet, you wouldn't leave him to do it himself, he isn't the perfect gentleman, he doesn't have Tom's beauty and he's got a small penis. That's why I need my magnificent seven.
JULIAN: Which one satisfies your penis needs?
TARA: Trust a man to hone in on that one.
JULIAN: Well?
TARA: Well, none of them. It's usually... nice, but the earth never moves, all quite static and boring really. And I've never had a big one. They've always been below average. I'd like to try a big one, just once. It would be nice to know if size mattered. Even if it's just to answer the question. I get asked it a lot you know?
JULIAN: What do you say?
TARA: I lie. Well I don't know, do I?
JULIAN: So, what do you say?
TARA: Well obviously I say, of course size matters, the bigger the better. You guys are just so insecure about your little men. As far as I'm concerned though, they might all be little men.
Why can't I have a big one? Julian, you see other guys in the shower all the time, maybe you could point me in the right direction?
JULIAN: Men can't go around looking at other men's penises, it just isn't done. Anyway, we don't have raging erections all the time. How do I know if the floppy state is a good indication?
TARA: Yeah you're right, you can't always tell. With Simon, It's... alright, but when he gets excited, nothing really improves. It just gets a little harder and sticks up a bit. If anything, it might even get a little shorter.
I guess I'll just have to keep on playing the knob lottery, just like everybody else.
(looks at phone)
Ooh, I've got an email from Jack. He doesn't really do phone calls or talk that much really. But he is a really good listener. And when I wear the black dress...
JULIAN: ...THE black dress?
TARA: (smugly) Oh yes. He gets all sweaty and has to leave, it's so cute.
So, what's happening in the world of Jack? (angrily) The little git...
JULIAN: (quietly singing) ...four green bottles...
TARA: This is what he said,
'I think you are only using me as someone to fix your computer, because that is the only time you want to see me. When I do come over and fix the problem, you always put on the dress that you know makes me sweat, have palpitations and come over all queer, and have to leave.'
JULIAN: I think coming over all queer is the least of his problems.
TARA: He continues,
'I think it's best that I don't see you any more, and I find a girl, who may not be as visually perfect, but who will like me for my many other attributes. Also, someone who has a more varied wardrobe.'
Do you know how hard it is to find a good computer guy?
JULIAN: For free?
TARA: For free! And so easy to get rid of.
I need some serious cheering up. Time for beautiful Tom (sighs and looks into space). He is the most beautiful straight guy I've ever seen.
JULIAN: Have you and he...
TARA:... No, not yet. Who knows, tonight may be the night.
JULIAN: So, how do you know he's not gay?
TARA: I think, Julian, I have been around enough guys to know the difference. I'm off to get changed. See you later loser.
(Tara leaves. Julian changes the channel, drinks some tea)
JULIAN: (quietly) and if one green bottle should accidentally fall, there'd be...
TARA: (from a distance) NOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Tara comes back in, sits down heavily looking pissed off)
JULIAN: Did you call Tom (sighs and look into space)
TARA
pause) (grumpily) Yes.
JULIAN: Three green bottles?
TARA: Two.
JULIAN: Two?
TARA: Two. Tom's already got a date tonight... with Cliff.
JULIAN: Cliff the dance partner?
TARA: Cliff the dance partner.
JULIAN: It looks like my romantic luck has rubbed off on you.
TARA: Yeah it's all your fault. Go and get me the biscuits.
JULIAN: Why don't you call Alex? He's gone out anyway to get that beaver glue stuff.
TARA: Good idea.
(calls Alex)
Hey there. Look as you're out can... Oh, hello... OK... (concerned) is he going to be alright?...When will he be out?... Oh, you're bringing him back now... OK, bye.
Damn. He can't get the biscuits.
JULIAN: (concerned) What happened?
TARA: There's been an incident. But the bottom line is, no biscuits.
JULIAN: Shut up about the biscuits. You're a model and don't eat anyway.
TARA: Why, that's a shocking stereotype.
JULIAN: What was the last thing you ate then?
TARA: Define eating?
JULIAN: It doesn't matter! What happened to Alex?
TARA: You can ask him in a minute, he's on his way back. It was something about beavers and glue and being stuck to things. I don't know.
JULIAN: You're useless.
TARA: But beautiful. (Looking at the TV again )What are we watching?
JULIAN: Highlights from Wimbledon, earlier this year.
TARA: (excited)I was there, with Tim.
JULIAN: The one with the connections?
TARA: The one with the connections. (excited) That's me, (deflated) and I'm snogging in the rain, on centre court, on TV.
JULIAN: Better hope Simon's not watching?
(Tara's phone rings, she shrieks and throws the phone down the sofa)
TARA: (slowly) One green bottle?
(Alex enters looking as though nothing has happened, with two heavily bandaged hands)
ALEX: (pointing) It's Tara snogging on telly. I hope Simon isn't watching.
JULIAN: That's him calling now.
TARA: I'll take this in private.
Tara gingerly picks up the phone and leaves
ALEX: Well it's all excitement here isn't it? Sits down
JULIAN: Yeah. Tara's on her last two boyfriends.
ALEX: Two? Is the computer guy still in there?
JULIAN: Jack? No, he dumped her.
ALEX: By email?
JULIAN: (nodding) By email (they both nod). So, what happened to you?
ALEX: Well, I went to buy some beaver glue. And the shop was having this big promotion with real French Canadian beavers, and they were building a dam with their glue. I went over to the dam to check the strength of it, but the glue hadn't quite set yet. The beavers were a little agitated by this and attacked me. I put up my hands to protect myself, but unfortunately I had picked up some glue from the dam. So there I was with two rather angry beavers stuck to each hand.
JULIAN: So, did you go to the hospital or the vet?
ALEX: Both. The vet first, to free the beavers. Oh they were very angry. Even playing Bryan Adams in the car didn't help, it actually made it worse, but at least it aimed their anger away from me. They did settle down though when they played this CD of Bavarian drinking songs. They even let me keep it as a souvenir.
JULIAN: Nice. Is there any permanent damage?
ALEX: To me or the beavers?
JULIAN: Well, both.
ALEX: The beavers are fine, they're both just left with a hand shaped bald patch, and I just have to keep these on for a few days (shows the bandages). I wish I was like Tara and not have to use toilet paper.
JULIAN: It's just an excuse not to buy any.
ALEX: But she doesn't eat. What comes out?
JULIAN: I'm not having this discussion.
ALEX: But...
(Tara enters and sits down. No one says anything.
Finally.)
TARA: There'd be no green bottles hanging on the wall.
JULIAN: Connected Tim?
TARA: Simon's new gym buddy.
JULIAN: Oh.
ALEX
h.
TARA: Yeah, oh. That snogging clip came on the television at the gym during their third set of bench presses.(mocking) 'That's my girlfriend. Sorry mate I had no idea... blah blah blah'
All silent, watching the television
ALEX: (shakes head) Guns just weren't that accurate in those days, especially shooting like that.
TARA: Yeah but he looks amazing with his shirt off. Fit!
Julian closes his eyes ans shakes his head.
Not quite sure where those smilies came from!
