My submission and first attempt at sitcom writing

Bye, bye! For now.

In my humble opinion I don't think this is a sitcom. There's no storyline...i.e. beginning/middle/end. It's two people reminiscing and no action. Also, dialogue shouldn't be written in an accent. Write it in plain English then put in the details that the characters are Scottish, set in Scotland etc. The actors are then responsible for speaking in a Scottish accent or whatever.
I hope I'm not being too harsh with you

Not harsh, that's what I put it up here for. Thank you for reading it, Bushbaby. The storyline is him arriving home after a ten year absents. The next part sees meeting his 'Maw and Da' and the changes within the family.

Quote: Buster Spleen @ March 15 2011, 7:42 PM GMT

Not harsh, that's what I put it up here for. Thank you for reading it, Bushbaby. The storyline is him arriving home after a ten year absents. The next part sees meeting his 'Maw and Da' and the changes within the family.

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I see but you should start it with him meeting his parents perhaps
But it says end of episode on your script. There should be a storyline in each 15 mins ep, not a storyline over a few episodes.
Getting a beginning/middle/end in 15 minutes is no mean feat and that's the beauty of this competition

I think possibly the fact that the audience has no idea about the back story to the characters might make it a bit slow at first, maybe?
I don't have a problem with the dialect, except to say that unless it absolutely has to be Scottish, might you be subconsciously ruling it out for a non-Scottish cast or audience?
Is Scotland a "character" in later episodes, like Glasgow was for Rab C Nesbitt, or could it be set anywhere?

Quote: Posiekins @ March 15 2011, 8:17 PM GMT

I think possibly the fact that the audience has no idea about the back story to the characters might make it a bit slow at first, maybe?
I don't have a problem with the dialect, except to say that unless it absolutely has to be Scottish, might you be subconsciously ruling it out for a non-Scottish cast or audience?
Is Scotland a "character" in later episodes, like Glasgow was for Rab C Nesbitt, or could it be set anywhere?

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Writing in dialect is a no no in the rules of writing scripts. Any TV/editor will tell you the same. It's insulting to the actors.

Hi Bushbaby and Posiekins. Yes, I understand what you mean regarding beginning/middle and end. Possibly/undoubtedly that may have been a fatal ingredient of its failure. And, in truth, the original draft went on to have Mrs MacDuff slamming her door and his mother opening hers to see what all the fuss was, and the story continuing. Originally it was a full half hour. So fair comment. Yes, it is a very Scottish/Irish story,the faint sniff of religious bigotry, and a clash of cultures in background. But what is comedy without a faint whiff of truth about it?

Quote: Buster Spleen @ March 15 2011, 10:58 PM GMT

Hi Bushbaby and Posiekins. Yes, I understand what you mean regarding beginning/middle and end. Possibly/undoubtedly that may have been a fatal ingredient of its failure. And, in truth, the original draft went on to have Mrs MacDuff slamming her door and his mother opening hers to see what all the fuss was, and the story continuing. Originally it was a full half hour. So fair comment. Yes, it is a very Scottish/Irish story,the faint sniff of religious bigotry, and a clash of cultures in background. But what is comedy without a faint whiff of truth about it?

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I think what I meant to say too, is that it's all exposition. If you want to keep the neighbour in, the info you've put all together in one ep above, could be filtered in gradually. For instance, as he's going into his parents home, she could appear and shout to him that he owes her money.....do you see? So she only says the one line but having given that as an example, she must appear again, [for the purpose of the sitcom mission comp]as actors wouldn't bother doing it just for one line etc

True, tho, not read them. Love his short stories. And in my defence, most Scottish plays I've come in contact with, are written in a Scots dialect, and beautiful they are too! The Steamie, In Time o'Strife,Jamie the Saxt, The Jesuit... But I do take Bushbaby's advice.

Cheers Griff, I thought I'd gone mad.

Quote: Griff @ March 15 2011, 11:28 PM GMT

Sorry Buster I deleted my post.

So that the thread makes sense, it was pointing out that D.H.Lawrence would disagree about the "rule" that you mustn't write scripts in dialogue.

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I was told many years ago by ITV not to write scripts in dialect as it's the actors job to say their lines in the correct accent.

Thank you all for your time and great advice. I do see what you are saying, it all makes logical sense. Much appreciated. Slàinte mhath!