British Comedy Guide

BSG SKETCH COMP 14.12-21.12 Page 2

Scene. A private girls primary school carol service. There is a choir suitably dressed in smart uniform. Enter the head.

Miss Robottom: Good evening and welcome to St. Augustines nativity play. A special warm welcome to Mr. Jenkins whose first year this is with us. Mr Jenkins

Mr Jenkins:[Comb over national health specs.] We'd like to start with an old favourite, which I'm sure you'll recognise. Feel free to join in.

[We hear a gentle piano intro while Jenkins straps on an electric guitar. He plays a few gentle strums then

Jenkins: [Thrash metal style] We don't wish you a merry christmas
We don't wish you a merry christmas
We don't wish you a merry christmas
But a p*ssed up New Year

Choir: [Flicking v's to audience] F*ck you F*ck you
F*ck you F*ck You
F*ck you F*ck you
F*ck you F*ck you

Jenkins: [ rapping]
Rudolph was a reindeer
With a harness round his neck
Then all the other reindeer
Pinned him down for anal sex

Choir: [Simulating anal sex]
F*ck you F*ck you
F*ck you F*ck You
F*ck you F*ck you
F*ck you F*ck youooooo!

[Silence. Pan around to parents open mouths. There is one clap. In the background Miss Robottom is being resuscitated]

Jenkins: CD's are for sale in the foyer.

END OF SCENE.

A Christmas Pun

As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to
be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so
no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus
landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort
sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer.

Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one
it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff
honk honk snort!"

Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed.
"Please be quiet!"

He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when
he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF
HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighborhood and
some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.

Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove
quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer
and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until
the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps
forward and apologizes!"

None of the reindeer stepped forward.

Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have
written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance
to do the right thing on your own."

Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only
thing he could do. He read off the rude-nosed reindeer...

SCENE 1 (EXT). (DAY 1): COUNTRY ROAD
A MISERABLE LOOKING TED AND DOUGAL WALK SLOWLY BACK HOME FROM MIDNIGHT MASS, IN THE SNOW.

TED
What a waste of time that was. The worst turn out, ever.

DOUGAL
What was?

TED
Mass!

DOUGAL
Are we off to mass again? God, Christmas really does come around quickly now doesn’t it?
DOUGAL TURNS AROUND AND STARTS TO WALK BACK DOWN THE ROAD.

TED
No Dougal. I meant our congregation is getting smaller by the year and if it doesn't get any better soon, Bishop Brennan will be on my back.

DOUGAL
You're OK at the moment, Ted. He's not there yet.
DOUGAL TURNS BACK AROUND AND SEEMS ANXIOUS.

TED
Are you in some kind of hurry at all, Dougal?

DOUGAL
Can we not pick up the pace a bit there? Winter Gaze is on the TV and you know how much I love the wildlife!

TED
God almighty, not another bloody wildlife programme! Surely they can put something else out for a change?

DOUGAL
C'mon now Ted. You're just upset because Time Team has finished. I reckon that the beardy fella in 'Winter Gaze' could take on your man, Tony Robinson, any day of the week.

TED
Bill Oddie?

DOUGAL
No, the other one. Kate Humble.

TED
Dougal, Kate Humble is a woman. She does not have a beard. It's just a lot of hair.

DOUGAL
That's news to me!

BEAT. THEY SUDDENLY STOP AND DOUGAL HAS A MOMENT OF INSPIRATION.
I know Ted, perhaps you should put in a bit about the wildlife in your Mass? Have a webcam with some birds on it or something? That will surely bring the punters back in.

TED
I don't think mentioning anything about 'Tits', 'Shags' or the like would be appropriate for Mass at all, Dougal. And you must stop referring to the congregation as punters. Especially in front of the Bishop. I don't think he would want to hear you calling God's followers as punters.

DOUGAL
Would he not?

TED
No Dougal. He takes religion quite seriously you know!

DOUGAL
Sorry, Ted. I didn't know you could take religion seriously.

SNOW STARTS TO GET HEAVIER

TED
Right, come on. We'd better get going, or we're likely to catch pneumonia or something.

DOUGAL
Suits me. Last one home's a big eejit and has to wear Mrs Doyle's pinney!
DOUGAL RUSHES OFF UP THE LANE.
TED LOOKS UP TO THE SKY IN ANGUISH.

TED
Lord give me strength!

INT. STUDIO. DAY.

OUR HOST IS INTERVIEWING SANTA.

HOST
Well Mr Kringle, what with the wildly changing attitudes in society over the years, how exactly can you decide who fits into the naughty and nice category?

SANTA HOLDS UP 1 FINGER TO INDICATE THE HOST TO GIVE HIM A MOMENT, HE THEN RUMMAGES AROUND IN HIS POCKET BEFORE REMOVING ONE OF THOSE HOROSCOPE FISH. HW TAKES THE HOST'S HAND AND PLACES IT ON HIS UPTURNED HAND, IT CURLS UP.

HOST (WIDE EYED)
What does that mean?

SANTA CONSULTS THE WRAPPER THOUGHTFULLY.

SANTA
Your nice...

HOST GIGGLES LIKE A SCHOOLBOY.

END

A suited, middle-aged gentleman marches into a shop.

Mr Roptwey
I was merely passing and I couldn't help but enter and protest in the strongest terms about the foul and immoral commercialisation and secularisation of a divine religious festival.

Shop Assistant (With a sigh)
Yes Mr Roptwey, here's your prescription.

INT. KIDS BEDROOM - DAY

A little boy is chatting to his older brother, they're sitting on his bed.

LITTLE BOY:
I know the elves make all the Christmas presents...

INT. SANTA'S TOY FACTORY - DAY

We see elves in a carpenters work room, there's sawdust on the floor and woodworking tools everywhere.

LITTLE BOY (V.O.)
But there's just one thing I don't understand...

Santa's elves are working with hammers to build toy laptops and cameras, and plastic electronic film merchandise.

LITTLE BOY (V.O):
How does Santa get the satsumas? There's always a satsuma in my stocking.

EXT. LAPLAND - DAY

We see satsuma trees growing amongst the snow. The elves are climbing up ladders to harvest the orange fruits.

INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

A couple of Santa's elves are filling their shopping trolleys with satsumas, they're emptying the supermarket shelves of the little oranges.

EXT. LAPLAND - DAY

The elves are making snowballs, they throw the icy balls to another elf who is painting them orange. An elf tries to peel one and looks disappointed to see ice in the centre.

LITTLE BOY (V.O):
I just don't get the satsuma thing...

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

The boy and his big brother, sitting on the bed.

BIG BROTHER:
It's very easy to explain. Mum and Dad put satsumas in your stocking.

LITTLE BOY:
Oh! I see...

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Two stockings hanging by the fireplace. Mum and Dad are putting satsumas in both.

INT. KIDS BEDROOM - DAY

LITTLE BOY:
I knew it! Santa gives us all those cool toys and sweets, but parents have to try to spoil it, they only care about us eating our fruit and veg!

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Santa is filling the stockings with goodies, he takes the satsuma out of the stocking, looks at it sadly and shakes his head.

This Christmas based sketch is The Jeremy Kyle Show: My girlfriend says she's a virgin, but she's pregnant."

SCENE 1. THE JEREMY KYLE SET

JEREMY KYLE IS ADDRESSING THE AUDIENCE THE CAPTION AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN SAYS “MY GIRLFRIEND SAYS SHE’S A VIRGIN, BUT SHE’S PREGNANT.”

JEREMY KYLE:
Hello and welcome to the Jeremy Kyle Show. Today an interesting case, he thinks his girlfriend has cheated on him and is pregnant with someone else’s child. Yet she claims she’s a virgin.

THERE IS A GASP FROM THE AUDIENCE.

JEREMY KYLE: (CONT'D)
Let’s get Joseph on the show.

THE AUDIENCE APPLAUD AS JOSEPH ENTERS, IN MATCHING SKY BLUE TRACK SUIT TOP AND BOTTOM WITH A BURBERRY CAP AND COVERED IN ARGOS JEWELLERY, HE HAS A SHAVED HEAD, A COUPLE OF MISSING TEETH AND A SCAR ON HIS LEFT CHEEK WHERE HE HAS BEEN HIT WITH A BROKEN BOTTLE.

JOSEPH SLUMPS DOWN ON A CHAIR AND IMMEDIATELY SLAMS HIS HAND DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS TROUSERS AND STARTS FIDDLING WITH HIS CROTCH.

JEREMY KYLE:
Joseph welcome.

JOSEPH RESPONDS IN A BROAD MANCHESTER ACCENT.

JOSEPH:
Alright?

JEREMY KYLE:
So your fiancée, Mary. What happened?

JOSEPH:
Yeah, right, we aint never ‘ad it off, or owt. But ya’ know, she comes to us the other day goin’ on that some Spanish bloke named Engel reckons she’s pregnant and told her to call it “Jesus” (Pronounced the Spanish way “Hey-Zeus”). Turns out she is prego. But we ‘ant done it. So I dunno what to do. Ya’ know?

JEREMY KYLE:
Yet, she claims she’s a virgin?

THERE IS A RUSTLING FROM A CONFUSED AUDIENCE.

JOSEPH:
Yeah but, ya’ know, how can that be true? Cause I’ve never shot me load up ‘er or anyfin’! I reckon it’s that Engel, I reckon he’s done her.

JEREMY KYLE:
I don’t know. We need some answers. Let’s get Mary on the show!

THERE IS BOOING AS AN IRRATE MARY, WHO IS HEAVILY PREGNANT ENTERS WEARING A PINK LE COQ SPORTIF TRACKSUIT, HER HAIR PULLED TIGHTLY IN A SINGLE PIGTAIL TO THE LEFT SIDE OF HER HEAD AND WITH GIANT LOOPING EARRINGS LIKE A PIRATE. SHE BEGINS POINTING AND SWEARING AGGRESSIVELY AT JOSEPH.

MARY:
You *beep*in’ liar! You *beep*in’ liar!

JOSEPH SITS UP A TAD AND REMOVES HIS HAND FROM HIS BOXERS, BASIC MANNERS WHEN A LADY IS PRESENT.

JOSEPH:
No, no.

MARY:
Who the *beep* do you think you are? Hey? Comin’ on here, makin’ me out as some kind of slapper! I aint never done owt! I’m a *beep*in’ virgin! You stupid *beep*

JOSEPH:
No.

MARY:
You’re so full of *beep*. What do you think I am?

JOSEPH:
No.

JEREMY KYLE:
Calm down.

MARY:
This is so *beep*in’ typical. Fink yer hard? Goin’ on t’telly sayin’ ya missus is a slapper. Fink yer hard? Pathetic.

JEREMY KYLE:
Sit down, shut up and we can resolve this!

THERE IS A CHEER FROM THE AUDIENCE, AS JEREMY KYLE GETS STERN. A SHOCKED MARY TAKES A SEAT.

JEREMY KYLE:
You claim you’re a virgin, yet. You’re pregnant. Who’s this Engel, then?

MARY: (TO JOSEPH)
You stupid *beep*. Not Engel. A *beep*ing Angel.

JEREMY KYLE:
Mind your language. (PAUSE) An Angel?

MARY:
Yeah, I’m there, right, talking to Moesha on my mobie and this stupid cow with wings and *beep* flies in through me window. Reckons I’m pregnant and told me to only go and call it Jesus. Don’t even like that name. I prefer Damien. So I take one of those tests you have a slash on and turns out I am.

JEREMY KYLE:
When was the last time you took hallucinogenic drugs?

MARY:
I did a tab of acid last Tuesday, but I weren’t trippin’ at t’time. Honest.

JEREMY KYLE:
You say you’re a virgin.

MARY:
I am.

JEREMY KYLE:
Yet you’re pregnant.

MARY:
No, no, you’re makin’ me out to be a right slapper. But I aint never done sex. I’m a virgin, honest.

JEREMY KYLE:
Well, young lady, it’s hard for me, to understand how a supposed virgin has gone and gotten herself pregnant.

THERE IS A CHEER FROM AN AGREEING AUDIENCE.

MARY:
No, no. What I reckon it was, is I have noshed ‘im off you see.

JEREMY KYLE:
Joseph?

MARY:
Yeah, of course. Well I was noshin’ ‘im off, yeah? And he blew a big load and some dribbled down and I reckon it went in me gash.

JOSEPH:
Nah, I don’t reckon.

MARY:
Shut up!

MARY GETS UP AND PUSHES JOSEPH. THE CROWD STIR!

JEREMY KYLE:
Calm down. Calm down. We have, here, the DNA results of your unborn child.

JEREMY KYLE IS HANDED AN ENVELOPE BY A RUNNER. MARY SITS CONFIDENT OF ACQUITAL.

JEREMY KYLE:
Joseph, if the results show you’re not the father, what will you do?

JOSPEH:
I dunno, can’t be doin’ with all this stress, gotta’ go Bethlehem this winter, not ‘appy with that. I hear accommodation is a right *beep* there.

JEREMY KYLE:
Language. And if you are?

JOSEPH:
Well I dunno.

MARY:
You’ll *beep*ing apologise, is what you’ll do. And you’re gonna, just you watch. Mark my words! Read the results.

JEREMY KYLE:
Don't speak to me like that, young lady.

THE AUDIENCE CHEER

JEREMY KYLE OPENS THE ENVELOPE AS MARY SITS STARRING AT JOSEPH WITH A SMUG AND CONFIDENT GRIN ON HER FACE.

JEREMY KYLE:
The DNA results show that Joseph (PAUSE) is not the father of your child.

THE AUDIENCE GASP.

MARY:
No! That’s not right! You’re wrong! You can’t be right! What the *beep* sort of shambles is this. You’re ‘avin’ a laugh. No, not ‘avin’ that. No way. No…

JEREMY KYLE:
Why don’t you just shut up, love. I think you’ve said and done enough. You’ve lied to us and what's worse. You've lied to your fiancée !

MARY, OBVIOUSLY FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE RESORTS TO CRYING. SHE THEN STORMS OFF THE STAGE.

JOSEPH SITS FORWARD. HOLDING HIS HEAD.

JEREMY KYLE:
Joseph, you’re a good bloke, mate. And you listen to me.

JEREMY MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH JOSEPH.

JEREMY KYLE:
You listening? You can do much better than her. She has betrayed your trust and she has only been caught out because she wasn’t careful enough. God knows how many times she’s done this sort of thing and you’ve never found out. I’ve met blokes like you before being dragged along by a liar and a cheat and you need to stand-up for yourself and say “I wont stand for this anymore.” Alright?

AN OBVIOUSLY CONFUSED JOSEPH NODS. JEREMY KYLE FACES THE CAMERA.

JEREMY KYLE:
And that is it for today’s show. Tomorrow. We hear a fascinating tale of a wife, who’s husband is obsessed with building a boat, stealing animals and pay any attention to her. He’s also a heroin addict.

THE AUDIENCE APPLAUSE AS WE FADE TO BLACK.

Wow that saw more people enter than my mother! I'm gonna close it now, and thanks to Kiss-me-arse chaos voting's open till 27 December (if that's okay).

I vote for Fred Peters

My vote goes to (at the risk of the wrath of Charley) ........Jude.

Quote: David Chapman @ December 21, 2007, 8:35 PM

My vote goes to (at the risk of the wrath of Charley) ........Jude.

What a c**t you are David. :D

My vote is aimed at the Rage. GrrrrrrrrrrrrrrOWL.

My vote goes to Jude Laughing out loud

Ray go & join the c**t queue on the left then. :D

Just jesting with these erm Cun I mean peeps Jude.You deserve the votes.

Marion

yey my next choice Badge!.xx

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