I know what you were trying to do with the line, but the shower, shave, sh- line didn't work for me, because normally you say "sh*t, shower, shave" in that order.
Otherwise, solid enough effort which given more time to develop might be decent.
A sitcom idea I'm working on. Page 2
Quote: Jeremy Smith @ December 17, 2007, 11:30 PMI know what you were trying to do with the line, but the shower, shave, sh- line didn't work for me, because normally you say "sh*t, shower, shave" in that order.
Bollocks!
Well... maybe.
I try and do them all at once.
And I shower with my girlfriend.
Quote: James Williams @ December 17, 2007, 11:33 PMBollocks!
Well... maybe.
Nah, the line is fine. It doesn't matter what order you actually do it in, he is saying it in this order and it doesn't *not* work
Quote: James Williams @ December 17, 2007, 11:34 PMBollocks!
Well... maybe.
If in doubt, you can always rely on one thing...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shit,_Shower_and_Shave
“Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world, can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.”
I'm saying that obviously you can do those three things in any order, but the sort of 'catchphrase' way of saying it is that order.
Anyway charmer, I thought the two characters had that reliable comic balance of the odd couple. But the dialog didn't spark for me. Didn't see many jokes and it also felt a bit clunky, Ray just felt more annoying then anything as well. I saw no setups from either character either. I think you have potentially good characters, so stick with and work on it more and then post another scene.
Yeah, but it worked. It worked. Catchphrase my arse. I don't see Mr Chips. You can't be a Hitler with loose phraseology like that. Whether it was worth keeping is another matter...
yes, but he isn't saying it in the catchphrase way, so it doesn't matter does it?
In any case it's a point of detail and the bigger picture is whether or not the whole piece has characters that work and make it funny
EDIT That'll teach me to go the bog half way through posting. I was replying to Jeremy 3 up.
I am *SO* tempted to post something from the 4 episodes of my new sitcom what I've wrote, but know the drubbing it shall surely receive...
Yeah. Agree with Badge. It's not so much a part of received phraseology that anyone says it in a certain order.
I only said catchphrase because I couldn't think of the correct terminology. I just mean that the phrase he used was in the wrong order so it didn't work for me. And it was only a passing comment, not something I expected to be argued!
But like I said, the rest of the piece is well-written and you can imagine the interaction in your head; Charmer, if you posted another scene, I'd be keen to read on and see the plot/characters etc. develop.
I like it. Just a couple of nitpicks. When Ray says....you didn't expect to see me here'......drop 'here' he doesn't need it and Dan repeats it.
When Dan is telling Ray off just before the porter knocks, there's too much information as though you are telling the audience just what Ray is. We get the gist of what/who he is, so that is over explained. Try and think of some slick remarks there. 
Some nice touches in there. Needs another two or three more jokes IMO. I think you could lose the 'What the......' as it sounds a bit like a comic. Maybe substitute it for 'Ray!'
Also I agree about those querying the three sh's. They way you've put it you're having to put more a's in and it spoils the syntax. And although it can be easily corrected, there are some punctuation errors in there too.
You've got your base though, which is the hard part, so look at it with fresh eyes another time and I'm sure you can improve on it. Reminds me a bit of Peep Show where Mark is in a hotel and Jez turns up.
Re: the shit, shower, shave line. It's a good gag ruined by the multiple 'a's. Rewrite it as "Shave, shower and sh..." then it's closer to the well-known saying enough for it to click.
Echo Bushbaby. The opening dialogue is waffly.
Replace the opening:
RAY:
Surprise!
DAN:
What the….?
RAY:
Bet you didn’t expect to see me here.
DAN:
What are you doing here?
With
RAY:
Surprise!
DAN:
Ray? What are you doing here?
Simpler and says the same thing (as Bushbaby notes)
BTW you should have posted the excerpt in the critique forum. 