(1)So...now I know what would win in a fight between a Lion and a Tiger. What am I going to talk about in the pub with my friends? Our crushing loneliness? I think not.
(2) TEENAGER Yeah man, if I saw a policeman carrying a Taser, I'd probably be shocked.
(3)Are we too dependent on GPS? Probably. But I don't know where I'd be without it.
Tried to fit more to the format (ie. puns that might make me groan usually). Not good with short one liners.
Quote: accbackman @ March 10 2011, 6:48 PM GMT(3)Are we too dependent on GPS? Probably. But I don't know where I'd be without it.
Now I like this, but I'm not sure the in line's right. Maybe more Tim Vine
"Satnavs? I don't know where we'd be without them"
Not that it helps for Newsjack, but you've got yourself a nice one liner there.
QUICKIES/ONE-LINERS
Kolo Toure claims he failed a drugs test due to taking one of his wife's diet pills. Ms. Toure has since been advised that taking MDMA is not the most effective way to lose weight.
New regulations will allow sex change prisoners access to clothing and make-up to assist the transition to their new gender. Many convicts have welcomed the move to let their fellow inmates appear as the gender they want.
A rare bible has been found in Wiltshire Village Church. This version contains the missing first page reading: "The events in this book are entirely fictional and the characters bear no resemblance to any person living or dead." "This does not necessarily refute the existence of God" say the Church "as God is not a person." "Just another example of people clutching at straws in order to defend their own belief system." They added.
China's Foreign Minister has denied the claim that Chinese police have been beating up journalists. This comes as sad news to many who heard that Piers Morgan was on a trip over there.
NEWSJACK APP
The disappearance of the Rendlesham UFO papers are surely finally concrete proof of the existence of magic paper stealing gnomes.
I think International women's Day is great. I think its important that we take one day a year to remember there are some really fit foreign birds out there.
NEWSFOX
Former WHAM! star George Michael has stated he deserved to go to jail. We here at Newsfox could not agree more.
CORRECTIONS
We apologise for our vitriolic report on facebook's new suicide help system. We have since been informed that the system is in place to help prevent suicide.
We'd like to clear up that the reported fresh air strikes in Libya are indeed attacks by Libyan forces and not an environmental protest.
Terribly unpc but liked the Facebook one.
Quote: Don P Musey @ March 10 2011, 7:45 PM GMTA rare bible has been found in Wiltshire Village Church. This version contains the missing first page reading: "The events in this book are entirely fictional and the characters bear no resemblance to any person living or dead."
I liked this one better when it was first used in that episode of Red Dwarf.
Ah well, here are my one-liners.... may they rest in peace *genuflects*
APPS:
I wanted to do something special for my Little Woman on International Woman's Day, but it coincided with Pancake Day and British Pie Week so the poor thing didn't make it out of the kitchen.
Westminster Council is right to ban feeding the homeless - it does encourage them. I gave one some bread once and suddenly there were hundreds of... No, sorry, I'm thinking of pigeons.
I tried to join the new Asda Dating Agency but the queues were so long I had to use the self-service.
Asda's Dating Agency isn't for me. I'd prefer Marks. If things don't work out they let you return them for cash [WHISPERING] even if you've used them a little bit.
I like to go to the Asda Dating Agency last thing on a Sunday when everything's got that cheap and desperate look about it.
I can't see why the MoD doesn't buy stuff like everyone else. Mooch round the showrooms, find what you like then go home and order it off Amazon.
AND FINALLY
That was Newsjack from March 2011, the week in which Nick Clegg was forced to resign having drunkenly ranted that whenever he played Enemies of Enterprise in the Cabinet Room, Cameron always got to play Kirk, Osborne played Spock and he had to be the bloke in the red jersey.
Quote: clueless @ March 10 2011, 10:12 PM GMTAh well, here are my one-liners.... may they rest in peace *genuflects*
APPS:
I tried to join the new Asda Dating Agency but the queues were so long I had to use the self-service.
I like to go to the Asda Dating Agency last thing on a Sunday when everything's got that cheap and desperate look about it.
Nice.
Here's my Newsjack App and correction one liners that were deemed unfit for use:
Newsjack App
- Having an opinion is like owning an Ipad. It seems everyone's got one and no amount of prodding will shut them up. Luckily we have the Newsjack App to listen to opinions with none of the bother.
- Having an opinion is like playing strip poker with your Nan. I wouldn't recommend it if you're in it for the money. Luckily at Newsjack we have our very own confession booth in the shape of the Newsjack App.
- If Tripoli falls and Gaddafi isn't around to hear it, does it make a sound?
- I'm not surprised to hear George Michael say he deserved prison. It's like Charlie Sheen saying he deserved his night at the Playboy Mansion.
- I see the Mr Men creators have brought out Little Miss Princess in time for the Royal Wedding. I'm surprised they haven't created one for Prince Harry, Little Mistake.
- Why hasn't Dustin Hoffman appeared on Top Gear yet? He's always saying that he's an excellent driver.
- Miles, I was wondering if you'd like to write some saucy adult novels on the side, sort of Miles and Boon if you will.
Corrections
- Making a mistake is like learning to moonwalk. If you keep doing it you'll end up back where you started.
- Being honest with someone is a bit like being in the Rat Pack, it's always better if you're frank. Here at Newsjack, we sometimes make mistakes so here are some corrections.
- Last week in our report on this year's V Festival, we asked listeners not to resort to Plan B if unsuccessful in obtaining tickets. Newsjack would like to point out that we were in fact asking you not to buy from unofficial sellers and that we're all fans of Plan B's music. Even Miles.
Quote: Kevin Mears @ March 10 2011, 10:21 PM GMT- Having an opinion is like owning an Ipad. It seems everyone's got one and no amount of prodding will shut them up.
- I see the Mr Men creators have brought out Little Miss Princess in time for the Royal Wedding. I'm surprised they haven't created one for Prince Harry, Little Mistake.
Great. I liked that Rat Pack line too, but I think it's a bit too esoteric.
Thanks RJ. Sometimes it's hard to walk the line between obvious and esoteric.
My rejects this week. I'm with K J Mears - I think the one that got (Bob Diamond reversing the charges) was one of the weaker ones I sent. Who's to know?
Apps One-liners (voice mail etc)
(1)I'm in favour of a tax on banks. With a canon.
(2)If two is company and three is a crowd, is Two and A Half a raving schizophrenic with a tenuous grip on reality?
(3)My wife and I went to the Marine Park to look at angry dolphins - but I misunderstood her directions and we ended up at cross porpoises.
(5)I'm just ringing to express my support for William Hague. He's no more incompetent than the next man - who is George Osborne.
(6) The Big Society is going to create growth and prosperity in my area. Well, that's a Conservative estimate.
Corrections
(7)Newsjack is happy to set the record straight. "Two and a half men" is a popular American situation comedy and not a help group for paranoid schizophrenics.
Other one-liners
(8)The ancient Riddle of the Sphinx, which goes "what walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon and three legs in the evening" has finally been solved. It's Charlie Sheen.
(9)The Government has announced it is to cut pensions, saving millions and millions of pounds. "That's a bonus", said Bob Diamond.
(10)In a week where Iain Duncan Smith has announced the government will "fundamentally simplify" the pensions system, Colonel Gadaffi's air-strikes have continued to "fundamentally simplify" rebel strongholds in Libya.
(11)The BBC World Service looks set to reverse its decision to axe certain short wave broadcasts. A spokesman said "We have [FX SW interference whistle, you know, sounds like a Clanger who's drunk] reverse our [FX interference whistle] decision [FX interference whistle] short wave broadcasts."
Quote: Big Jack @ March 10 2011, 10:52 PM GMTMy rejects this week. I'm with K J Mears - I think the one that got (Bob Diamond reversing the charges) was one of the weaker ones I sent. Who's to know?
Apps One-liners (voice mail etc)
(1)I'm in favour of a tax on banks. With a canon.
(5)I'm just ringing to express my support for William Hague. He's no more incompetent than the next man - who is George Osborne.
(8)The ancient Riddle of the Sphinx, which goes "what walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon and three legs in the evening" has finally been solved. It's Charlie Sheen.
(9)The Government has announced it is to cut pensions, saving millions and millions of pounds. "That's a bonus", said Bob Diamond.
(10)In a week where Iain Duncan Smith has announced the government will "fundamentally simplify" the pensions system, Colonel Gadaffi's air-strikes have continued to "fundamentally simplify" rebel strongholds in Libya.
The pick for me, but I think the first one needs a bit more.
"I'm in favour of a tax on banks. I've just thrown a petrol bomb into HSBC'
Something like that...
Anyway, I thought the charges line was one of the better ones!
Quote: RJ @ March 10 2011, 10:16 PM GMTNice.
Thanks, RJ 
Here be my rejects for the week:
Jack-App:
It's great to hear the budget is gonna be pro-growth...it's long overdue, cannabis shoulda been legalised yearrrrrrrs ago...
I don't get how an old bible being found in a church constitutes news; nobody interviewed me when I found some dirty washing in my laundry basket!
I was horrifed to learn that eating cereals from recycled packaging was harmful to your health. Guess I'll have to eat chocolate and ice cream for breakfast from now on, just to be on the safe side.
General news:
Miles: The Lib Dems came in 6th at last week's by-election in Barnsley. Nick Clegg promised his party would rebound from this embarrassing defeat, which, if earlier promises are anything to go by, is excellent news for UKIP...
George Michael this week revealed that he believed karma was behind his recent spell in jail. Court documents confirm that it was in fact related to him crashing his karma.
After seeing a photo of Boris Johnson actor Charlie Sheen declared he'd like to party with London's mayor. We're not sure which snap Sheen saw, but believe it may have been this one. (Beat) I'm sorry, sometimes we forget we're on the radio...
Corrections: (it was the intro to the corrections that got me my first credit)
David Walliams completed 24 hours of panel shows for charity, and not, as we reported, punishment for Come Fly With Me.
We need to reiterate that actor Charlie Sheen is not, as we may have insinuated, Ed Milliband's evil alter ego that only comes out at night.
Earlier we mentioned the government's plans to scrap SOS. We did, of course mean, May Day.
Quote: KLRiley @ March 10 2011, 6:44 PM GMTIn an effort to raise the funding needed to send the British team to the London Olympics, the BOA has decided that the sprint squads will be deployed as chuggers to catch potential donors. They will be supported by the shooting team to ensure that levels of giving are maximised.
There's something good here but needs shortening majorly.
Quote: KLRiley @ March 10 2011, 6:44 PM GMTWales has voted for independence. Porpoises and sea lions voted against.
Charlie Sheen has passed a drug test. Now he needs to swot for the written exam.
Both good.
Quote: accbackman @ March 10 2011, 6:48 PM GMT(2) TEENAGER Yeah man, if I saw a policeman carrying a Taser, I'd probably be shocked.
Perfect Newsjack tone!
Quote: clueless @ March 10 2011, 10:12 PM GMTI wanted to do something special for my Little Woman on International Woman's Day, but it coincided with Pancake Day and British Pie Week so the poor thing didn't make it out of the kitchen.
I tried to join the new Asda Dating Agency but the queues were so long I had to use the self-service.
Like these.
Quote: clueless @ March 10 2011, 10:12 PM GMTWestminster Council is right to ban feeding the homeless - it does encourage them. I gave one some bread once and suddenly there were hundreds of... No, sorry, I'm thinking of pigeons.
There is something here, but it just isn't snappy enough.
Quote: clueless @ March 10 2011, 10:12 PM GMTAND FINALLY:
That was Newsjack from March 2011, the week in which Nick Clegg was forced to resign having drunkenly ranted that whenever he played Enemies of Enterprise in the Cabinet Room, Cameron always got to play Kirk, Osborne played Spock and he had to be the bloke in the red jersey.
Made me laugh.
Quote: Kevin Mears @ March 10 2011, 10:21 PM GMT- If Tripoli falls and Gaddafi isn't around to hear it, does it make a sound?
- Being honest with someone is a bit like being in the Rat Pack, it's always better if you're frank. Here at Newsjack, we sometimes make mistakes so here are some corrections.
First good and the 'Frank' line is excellent!
Quote: Big Jack @ March 10 2011, 10:52 PM GMT(1)I'm in favour of a tax on banks. With a canon.
(2)If two is company and three is a crowd, is Two and A Half a raving schizophrenic with a tenuous grip on reality?
(5)I'm just ringing to express my support for William Hague. He's no more incompetent than the next man - who is George Osborne.
(6) The Big Society is going to create growth and prosperity in my area. Well, that's a Conservative estimate.
(8)The ancient Riddle of the Sphinx, which goes "what walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon and three legs in the evening" has finally been solved. It's Charlie Sheen.
(9)The Government has announced it is to cut pensions, saving millions and millions of pounds. "That's a bonus", said Bob Diamond.
(11)The BBC World Service looks set to reverse its decision to axe certain short wave broadcasts. A spokesman said "We have (FX SW interference whistle, you know, sounds like a Clanger who's drunk) reverse our (FX interference whistle) decision (FX interference whistle) short wave broadcasts."
Most consistently good batch I've read so far this series. Great work, Jack!
And Bob Diamond line that got on was great, btw!
Quote: radiat10n @ March 11 2011, 12:27 AM GMTDavid Walliams completed 24 hours of panel shows for charity, and not, as we reported, punishment for Come Fly With Me.
Good. Congrats on first credit!
Here are my failures for this week:
APP:
I see that a new Mr Man character is being created before the Royal wedding. I myself cannot wait for the release of 'Mr Trade-Envoy, Mr Paedo and the Unsavoury Sandwich'.
APP:
I've just watched BBC4's much-lauded The Killing and I must say it's literally the best 20 hours of television I've ever had the pleasure of reading!
APP:
Dannii Minogue and Louis Walsh have to audition for their roles on X-Factor? It's pretty cruel making them perform for food.
APP:
Census forms in the post now. And there was me thinking somebody had to add it all up.
APP:
So the LibDems want the government to give away the shares they have in RBOS and Lloyds. I don't know, first they *do* want to share, now they don't...
APP:
I wouldn't say I'm over-reliant on GPS. Not since I lost my satnav anyway...
APP:
The Spanish have cut speed limits in an effort to save energy? How much more can they save? They're already asleep for most of the afternoon!
APP:
Angry Birds is going to be released on Facebook. Well, then it's a good job they've also installed that app to alert for suicides.
CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise for suggesting that a tiger has killed a lion in a zoo. We are happy to correct that it is not 'exactly the type of fight that magazine would suggest.'
CORRECTION:
Sorry for suggesting that the reason Beijing's 'Barbie' store was closed down because of confusion arising due to the dolls not being served on skewers.
Dan