swerytd
Friday 11th March 2011 10:24am [Edited]
Guildford
7,542 posts
Quote: KLRiley @ March 10 2011, 6:44 PM GMT
In an effort to raise the funding needed to send the British team to the London Olympics, the BOA has decided that the sprint squads will be deployed as chuggers to catch potential donors. They will be supported by the shooting team to ensure that levels of giving are maximised.
There's something good here but needs shortening majorly.
Quote: KLRiley @ March 10 2011, 6:44 PM GMT
Wales has voted for independence. Porpoises and sea lions voted against.
Charlie Sheen has passed a drug test. Now he needs to swot for the written exam.
Both good.
Quote: accbackman @ March 10 2011, 6:48 PM GMT
(2) TEENAGER Yeah man, if I saw a policeman carrying a Taser, I'd probably be shocked.
Perfect Newsjack tone!
Quote: clueless @ March 10 2011, 10:12 PM GMT
I wanted to do something special for my Little Woman on International Woman's Day, but it coincided with Pancake Day and British Pie Week so the poor thing didn't make it out of the kitchen.
I tried to join the new Asda Dating Agency but the queues were so long I had to use the self-service.
Like these.
Quote: clueless @ March 10 2011, 10:12 PM GMT
Westminster Council is right to ban feeding the homeless - it does encourage them. I gave one some bread once and suddenly there were hundreds of... No, sorry, I'm thinking of pigeons.
There is something here, but it just isn't snappy enough.
Quote: clueless @ March 10 2011, 10:12 PM GMT
AND FINALLY:
That was Newsjack from March 2011, the week in which Nick Clegg was forced to resign having drunkenly ranted that whenever he played Enemies of Enterprise in the Cabinet Room, Cameron always got to play Kirk, Osborne played Spock and he had to be the bloke in the red jersey.
Made me laugh.
Quote: Kevin Mears @ March 10 2011, 10:21 PM GMT
- If Tripoli falls and Gaddafi isn't around to hear it, does it make a sound?
- Being honest with someone is a bit like being in the Rat Pack, it's always better if you're frank. Here at Newsjack, we sometimes make mistakes so here are some corrections.
First good and the 'Frank' line is excellent!
Quote: Big Jack @ March 10 2011, 10:52 PM GMT
(1)I'm in favour of a tax on banks. With a canon.
(2)If two is company and three is a crowd, is Two and A Half a raving schizophrenic with a tenuous grip on reality?
(5)I'm just ringing to express my support for William Hague. He's no more incompetent than the next man - who is George Osborne.
(6) The Big Society is going to create growth and prosperity in my area. Well, that's a Conservative estimate.
(8)The ancient Riddle of the Sphinx, which goes "what walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon and three legs in the evening" has finally been solved. It's Charlie Sheen.
(9)The Government has announced it is to cut pensions, saving millions and millions of pounds. "That's a bonus", said Bob Diamond.
(11)The BBC World Service looks set to reverse its decision to axe certain short wave broadcasts. A spokesman said "We have (FX SW interference whistle, you know, sounds like a Clanger who's drunk) reverse our (FX interference whistle) decision (FX interference whistle) short wave broadcasts."
Most consistently good batch I've read so far this series. Great work, Jack!
And Bob Diamond line that got on was great, btw!
Quote: radiat10n @ March 11 2011, 12:27 AM GMT
David Walliams completed 24 hours of panel shows for charity, and not, as we reported, punishment for Come Fly With Me.
Good. Congrats on first credit!
Here are my failures for this week:
APP:
I see that a new Mr Man character is being created before the Royal wedding. I myself cannot wait for the release of 'Mr Trade-Envoy, Mr Paedo and the Unsavoury Sandwich'.
APP:
I've just watched BBC4's much-lauded The Killing and I must say it's literally the best 20 hours of television I've ever had the pleasure of reading!
APP:
Dannii Minogue and Louis Walsh have to audition for their roles on X-Factor? It's pretty cruel making them perform for food.
APP:
Census forms in the post now. And there was me thinking somebody had to add it all up.
APP:
So the LibDems want the government to give away the shares they have in RBOS and Lloyds. I don't know, first they *do* want to share, now they don't...
APP:
I wouldn't say I'm over-reliant on GPS. Not since I lost my satnav anyway...
APP:
The Spanish have cut speed limits in an effort to save energy? How much more can they save? They're already asleep for most of the afternoon!
APP:
Angry Birds is going to be released on Facebook. Well, then it's a good job they've also installed that app to alert for suicides.
CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise for suggesting that a tiger has killed a lion in a zoo. We are happy to correct that it is not 'exactly the type of fight that magazine would suggest.'
CORRECTION:
Sorry for suggesting that the reason Beijing's 'Barbie' store was closed down because of confusion arising due to the dolls not being served on skewers.
Dan