My entry first few pages! Page 2

Baggage?

Anywho, I only just read this. I really enjoyed this but the directions need sorting, and I think some of the lines were a little clunky in their exposition. Like:

Bin Laden:
I didn't know it was yours look we better clean this up before Hans gets down here, you know what his like about health and safety where is the old fart anyway ?

could maybe change to something like-

Bin Laden: Hans isn't due down is he? He'll shit a brick if he sees the fire exit blocked again.

Then your camera could pan to something amusing- maybe a giant pile of smashed up packages, etc?

That way you've cut down the time it takes to introduce the character's name, say something about his personality and ask where he is, without making it obvious that's what you're doing.

Not the best example, but hope that makes sense.

I'd have Bin Laden as a supervisor and not a bag handler, plus the nickname could be seen as racist, rather like nicknaming a black Idi Amin. Some would just not find it funny and could find it offensive IMO

Quote: bushbaby @ March 8 2011, 4:02 PM GMT

Some would just not find it funny and could find it offensive IMO

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She's got a point.

Quote: bushbaby @ March 8 2011, 4:02 PM GMT

I'd have Bin Laden as a supervisor and not a bag handler

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I like the status balance personally. Would have thought it easier to have the supervisor as an outside source, and use him/her as the antagonist.

Hi, I called it 'Off Limits', the obvious would have been Excess Baggage and seeing as my plot is contrived enough once you find it I thought I better not go with Excess Baggage.

As for the muslim thing I was trying to think situation so I came up with a muslim working in baggage handling you can understand how some people might be nervous even though my guy is 100% good guy just getting on with his life , he yearns to be a pilot, but is stuck with Diehard a walking talking teletubby of a man !

Quote: Nat Wicks @ March 8 2011, 4:02 PM GMT

Then your camera could pan to something amusing- maybe a giant pile of smashed up packages, etc?

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Unfortunately Mr Splash doesn't have the luxury of camera angles as it's written for the Sitcommission.

well, Dick, he doesn't come across as so nice, purposely breaking luggage contents,

Quote: Badge @ March 8 2011, 4:10 PM GMT

Unfortunately Mr Splash doesn't have the luxury of camera angles as it's

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OH, good point. It'll still work without the pan.

Nat I like your idea about the fire exit and your right about the clunky bit, bushbaby you could be right about the name Bin laden but I know from fact that working in environments like this he would be called it maybe not to his face, it might not be pc but it goes on even though they have posters up everywhere asking you to ring Human Resources about bullying, im not saying its right, other guys get called cockmuncher and such, if his got a limp guess what ...hop along and so on, but I take your points onboard, thanks for your input its helping me think.

Quote: Dicksplash @ March 8 2011, 4:14 PM GMT

Nat I like your idea about the fire exit and your right about the clunky bit, bushbaby you could be right about the name Bin laden but I know from fact that working in environments like this he would be called it maybe not to his face, it might not be pc but it goes on even though they have posters up everywhere asking you to ring Human Resources about bullying, im not saying its right, other guys get called cockmuncher and such, if his got a limp guess what ...hop along and so on, but I take your points onboard, thanks for your input its helping me think.

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Yes, I know about the names, but some years back I was in London over dinner with friends and friends of friends, there was one black guy and there was the usual ribbing etc so much so that eventually I had to speak up in his defence and asked the others how they would feel with that sort of racist banter, they looked blank then said, he doesn't mind, he's used to it. I replied he can't mind, he's in a minority, wants to be here, so obviously won't complain. He thanked me some time later and said, they'd never ribbed him again after that eve. So it is advisable to change the name/race etc but obviously it's up to you and how you want the script to be written. I still think it very funny but perhaps have a character other than muslim for that role. And did you intend Asian as muslim can be any race etc.

Hi yeah I see your point, he would have to be asian muslim because I want people feeling unsure of his motives im not trying to instigate anything other than tap into how everyday people feel about a muslim man that looks uncanny like Bin Laden working in Baggage Handling and wanting to be a pilot what with the 9/11 anniversary round the corner, the truth is my guy is normal and honest and would always end up on top, your right the name would have to change it would upset someone, anyway this is why I need to get along to a pub and get this stuff read out like I was to earlier on on the other thread so I can try and get it right !

Thanks

Quote: Dicksplash @ March 8 2011, 4:58 PM GMT

Hi yeah I see your point, he would have to be asian muslim because I want people feeling unsure of his motives im not trying to instigate anything other than tap into how everyday people feel about a muslim man that looks uncanny like Bin Laden working in Baggage Handling and wanting to be a pilot what with the 9/11 anniversary round the corner, the truth is my guy is normal and honest and would always end up on top, your right the name would have to change it would upset someone, anyway this is why I need to get along to a pub and get this stuff read out like I was to earlier on on the other thread so I can try and get it right !

Thanks

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To be quite honest Dick, only a Muslim comedienne/comedian can come up with humour about 9/11 and that's only when they're taking the p*ss out of themselves, otherwise to anyone else it just isn't funny. He can still be a supervisor and very funny; but as you say, test it out at the writers' circle. Good luck

Hi

I'm new to all of this, forums, writing comedy, the lot, so am not in a position to criticise but I thought I'd let you know what I think.

In my opinion, for what it's worth, I can't help thinking Come Fly With Me when I read this. Whether you like them or not, Walliams and Lucas have kind of got this sort of character sewn up, at least for a while - they have baggage handlers who don't really care about the baggage, and they have Muslims.

Admittedly they haven't combined the two in one character, but that might be because it could be seen as offensive - possibly by the same sort of people who think Barack Obama and Osama Bin Laden are one and the same, but unfortunately, there are quite a few of them!

And I also think that 9/11 was such a major world event that it would upset some people at any time of year - not just the anniversary.

I definitely think the premise is funny and you can have more than one sitcom that has a similar theme, of course, but I think you would be opening yourself up to comparison against two of the biggest names in character comedy today.

So if I was in your position, I would maybe do as others have suggested, work on it, try it out and test it - you might not be as famous as the other two, but that doesn't mean you can't be funnier!

Thanks for all the comments Ive taken it on board, I will probably just shove the script back in the bottom of my dirty laundry basket and forget about it, the second episode I began writing, had Diehard and Bin having to undergo a security test as airport security is tightened as we approach the anniversary of 9/11 theres no mention of 9/11 in the scripts at all I appreciate how sensitive that is for everybody, they have all been allowed a 80s theme dress down day so we see Diehard and Bin dressed as Miami vice, eventually Hans the supervisor shows up as The Equalizer and the security guard set out to take them down is Home Alone Kevin with bobble hat and string gloves.

The idea its a bit come fly with me, your kinda right but I was telling BushBaby I had already written this when I heard about their show I was gutted as something like this has happened to me before so I sulked and stuck with it as I couldn't be arsed to think something up, I wanted to involve the tickeing desk as there are always screaming matches with passengers but as soon as I saw the show I thought bollocks just keep it in Baggage....oh well

Anyway Im glad some of you quite liked it and the constructive criticism has been very helpful , all the best with your scripts.

I like the idea behind this and think too that Bin Laden would work better as a more senior official. That way you could have him contradicting perceptions about terrorists and their background. In fact I think his character is one which could be developed a lot further with some great opportunities in the offing. Good luck with this.

Quote: evertsen @ March 9 2011, 1:18 PM GMT

I like the idea behind this and think too that Bin Laden would work better as a more senior official. That way you could have him contradicting perceptions about terrorists and their background. In fact I think his character is one which could be developed a lot further with some great opportunities in the offing. Good luck with this.

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Agreed