NewsJack oneliner rejects - series 4 Page 7

Quote: Badge @ March 3 2011, 7:38 PM GMT

TABLOID JOURNO:It's nice to see a Blue Peter presenter walking a dangerous tightrope without it involving sex or drugs

EGYPTIAN:When they said Cameron was coming to Cairo I was so excited! Big Brother 4 was my favourite!

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I'd have just slightly cut these as above, but I liked them. I can see the BP gag being written elsewhere though.

For the post credits gag, I'd have just gone for

"That was an episode of Newsjack from February 2011. The week in which 1900 invitations to the wedding of William and Kate were posted and which, 25 years on, still have yet to arrive."

Something like that.

Useful feedback as usual RJ - cheers.

When Ed Miliband speaks about the UK's squeezed middle, it sounds to me like he's advertising accessories for the waist. Maybe he should change his name to Ed Cummerbund.

CORRECTIONS

Making a mistake is a bit like happy slapping your doppelganger. Sure it might end up on YouTube but sooner or later you'll wish you've never been born.

Last week we wrongly reported that Morrisey would be appearing on an upcoming episode of Glee. He has in fact created his own show about a high school music club called Glum.

Here's mine so far, for what it's worth.

Episode 2:

NEWSFOX STINGS

Newsfox: No fan of Iran. Sponsored by the Clan.

Newsfox: International news - if it's happening abroad, it's news to us.

Newsfox: Where current affairs get the electric chair.

JACKAPP

MANo, China's the second biggest economy in the world. Well, they're still only third alphabetically so ner!

WOMAN:I hear Steps are making a comeback. I knew ramps were on a slippery slope.

WOMAN:I see Justin Bieber is house hunting. I'm just satisfied that mine are house trained.
*******************
Episode 4:

Corrections:

We'd like to clear up some confusion about comments we made about John Galliano. He is not, as we stated, a Premiership footballer. But he is a Gibraltan Right Winger.

We'd like to rescind our comments about the new Census being a waste of time and money, and a pointless exercise that the public were obliged endure every ten years. We were in fact referring to coverage of the royal wedding.

Jack App:

MAN: Iain Duncan Smith came to visit my local jobcentre this week. I hope to return the favour in about four years.

Only sent a few in this week, which gave them less to reject than usual:

Jack App messages:

Confused woman: I thought the Oscars was supposed to be about films. What are they doing giving prizes to speeches then?

Gobby teenager: Oil better not go up in price no more, right, I can't barely afford chips every day as it is.

Snooty man: I don't approve of Thomas Cook's new surcharges. I shouldn't have to pay more for my holidays just because I've been knighted.

General News:

Miles - It emerged this week that the German chancellor refused to accept the resignation of her defence minister for so long, as it was clear Mr Guttenberg had merely copied it from Ex-President Mubarak.

Turns out I got two one liners on this week, which they did as Corrections. Jim Davidson, and the replacement regulatory process for the rail consultation...

Here are the ones that didn't make the cut, some maybe a bit too long to be snappy enough.

MAN:
It's so sad about Charlie Sheen. I listened to him ranting and raving from his private jet, where he was flying to a tropical island with a couple of hookers for a week long sex and drugs party - how did it all go so wrong for him?

MAN:
I'm glad that the car insurance industry is doing something about gender inequality, but other industries are too slow to catch on. Like that ice cream shop in London, Oh, they're happy to make ice cream after accepting breast milk donations from women, but when I go in there, apparently they have to call the police

APP:
Well done to Blue Peter presenter Helen Skelton for doing that charity tightrope walk above Battersea Power Station. I haven't seen a Blue Peter presenter get that high since... [FX: BEEP BEEP] Oh, sorry, I've got a call on the other line, BBC Legal, apparently.

(and hedging my bets, this one, which doesn't reference an incident from 1998)
APP:
Well done to Blue Peter presenter Helen Skelton for doing that charity tightrope walk above Battersea Power Station. I haven't seen a TV star get that high since Charlie Sheen's last night off.

MAN:
So I watched Penthouse TV's new 3D TV channel. I'm no expert, but it looked more like 34D.

DAVID CAMERON:
We, the British Government, plan to establish a no-fly zone over Libya. We're putting British Airways in charge of the flights.

3songsnoflash - some great ones there, especially the Blue Peter app one.

[quote name="Kevin Mears" post="735076" date="March 3 2011, 9:32 PM GMT"]When Ed Miliband speaks about the UK's squeezed middle, it sounds to me like he's advertising accessories for the waist. Maybe he should change his name to Ed Cummerbund.

CORRECTIONS

Making a mistake is a bit like happy slapping your doppelganger. Sure it might end up on YouTube but sooner or later you'll wish you've never been born.

Last week we wrongly reported that Morrisey would be appearing on an upcoming episode of Glee. He has in fact created his own show about a high school music club called Glum.
[/quo

Love Morrissey!, and gag, note spelling!!....

Quote: accbackman @ March 3 2011, 4:30 PM GMT

(1)Having just seen a news article entitled "BA Man guilty of terror charges" I would just like to say that I personally don't care whether he had a university education or not. Terrorism is terrorism.

(5)(Intellectual sounding man) To the uneducated eye the sight of Wayne Rooney elbowing a man's ear to death might look bad but just imagine the injuries he could have inflicted if he had opposable thumbs.

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Both good. First better with RJ's rewrite but excellent work nonetheless!

Quote: Ishy @ March 3 2011, 7:28 PM GMT

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN

Cleaned my house earlier. I ended up getting high on drink and drugs and sleeping with a porn star. Next time I'll use Mr Sheen rather than Charlie Sheen.

VERY POSH AND SNOBBY MAN

I thought that the recent huge solar flare was affecting my TV, as the quality was awful. I then realised I'd accidentally tuned into ITV.

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Aces. First one could have finished 'last time I'll use Mr Sheen', as audience are intelligent enough to get it.

Quote: Badge @ March 3 2011, 7:38 PM GMT

AND FINALLY:That was an episode of Newsjack from February 2011. The week in which 1900 invitations to the wedding of William and Kate were posted, and just two months before only seventeen people actually attended the ceremony thanks to a localised Royal Mail dispute in the Clarence House area. Of course, due to CGI nobody watching TV coverage would have been any the wiser, had it not been for Elton John's hair looking a bit too realistic.

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Liked this but needs just something extra. RJ is right: I also have a Blue Peter tightrope one below.

Quote: Kevin Mears @ March 3 2011, 9:32 PM GMT

Last week we wrongly reported that Morrisey would be appearing on an upcoming episode of Glee. He has in fact created his own show about a high school music club called Glum.

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Potential here, but not quite written well enough.

My failures:
APP:
Despite what Ashley Cole claims, I reckon he's still a Gunner at heart.

APP:
Google lost a lot of emails from people's accounts. I just want to know, how do Google find stuff?

APP:
Colin Firth left his little golden chap on top of a toilet? He should really learn to wash it properly.

APP:
Shame that both the German defence minister and Colonel Gaddafi's son plagiarized their Ph.D theses. Still,I've heard they're copying well.

APP:
I don't know why that Blue Peter presenter is in the news for walking a tightrope. Richard Bacon did it years ago!

APP:
I watched the build-up to the Oscars all night but not a single muscle car appeared at any point!

CORRECTION:
We apologise for claiming that after EU rulings, car insurers must charge the same premiums for both men and women. It should, of course, be 'premia'.

Reading these back it does seem don't write if you're full of cold...

Dan

I'm reading a book called The Psychology of Addictions, I can't
get enough of it.

Hoped this App might have stood a chance but in a Gadaffi-heavy week I imagine the competition was fairly tough.

CALLER:
I'm appalled by what Gadaffi's been getting up to this past couple of weeks and if you ask me there's no way they should have him appear in the Hobbit. No matter how good he was in Lord of the Rings.

Nothing from me this week.

Like the Google gag above - pick of the week's rejects for me.

Quote: swerytd @ March 4 2011, 10:44 AM GMT

My failures:
APP:
Despite what Ashley Cole claims, I reckon he's still a Gunner at heart.

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Interesting... I have sent stuff like this in the past, but I decided to steer clear of it as of a few weeks ago. If you like football, you'll get it, if you don't you won't, and I guess they're not gonna take that chance. They touched on this point in the webchat on Friday.

However, didn't stop a very similar line turning up on this week's Now Show.

You can't second guess. If you've got a line you think has merit, send it. You never know.

Be gentle with me guys. Its the first time I've put anything up but it would be helpful to know if there's anything that might raise a giggle.

In an effort to raise the funding needed to send the British team to the London Olympics, the BOA has decided that the sprint squads will be deployed as chuggers to catch potential donors. They will be supported by the shooting team to ensure that levels of giving are maximised.

Wales has voted for independence. Porpoises and sea lions voted against.

The reduction in the number of MPs for the next Parliament has been announced. At least four will be lost from Yorkshire. Hopefully that will include the current MP for Sheffield Hallam.

Charlie Sheen has passed a drug test. Now he needs to swot for the written exam.

This week saw the proposal for Dog Control Orders or Dogbos to be used if an animal is dangerously out of control. It has been suggested that David Cameron needs one for his poodle. It would be called a Clegbo.

The calls for a no fly zone in Libya are becoming greater. If nothing else it would stop William Hague trying to be M.

The SAS debacle in Libya - another lightbulb moment for the MOD.

After the kicking given to the LibDems in the Barnsley by-election Nick Clegg says that he'll do anything possible to help his party at the next election. The other 649 constituencies have followed Barnsley's lead and begged him to stay away during their campaigns.

Noticing that the public are so taken with any brand prefixed with the letter i, Nick Clegg is changing his name to iclegg in an attempt to stall his failing popularity.

As it was likely that Lembit Opik's would obtain the Liberal Democrats nomination for London Mayor, the party hierarchy have abandoned the selection process altogether - in a bid to re-establish credibility with the electorate.