Quote: StephenM @ February 25 2011, 12:52 AM GMT(Although there was a very similar AV one on this week. Should I be encouraged, or just annoyed I didn't get in first?)
I don't know, I thought the one they used was rather good. 
NewsJack oneliner rejects - series 4 Page 6
Quote: swerytd @ February 25 2011, 9:56 AM GMTAND FINALLY:
And finally, that was Newsjack from February 2011, in a week when ITV won rights to broadcast Royal Variety for next 10 years, mere days before the bloodiest revolution in history following our great alien lizard leaders arrival. All Hail King David of Icke.
I'm guessing we've all done one of these post uprising ones - mine (from episode 1 rejects) was:
"Finally, this broadcast is notable as it occurred ten years to the day before our Beloved Leader's armies secured his ascension to power over all Europe - All hail to the Mighty Lembit."
And then they went and used one about The Great Tree Uprising...
Quote: Ishy @ February 24 2011, 11:23 PM GMTMIDDLE AGED WOMAN:
I saw a fire engine outside BBC television centre earlier. I wonder if people were moaning about Andrew Marr's huge salary and his ears started burning.
That's a cracking gag 
Quote: Badge @ February 25 2011, 11:24 PM GMTI don't know, I thought the one they used was rather good.
Always good to put a name to my mis-directed sense of injustice. 
Conflicting reports from Tripoli
Col. Gaddafi has promoted himself to General. After death his wives will receive bigger pensions.
Col Gaddafi has demoted himself to lance corporal, claiming now to be just carrying out orders.
I prefer the second one...
Only three sent this week.
After a computer hitch halted trading on the London stock exchange last Friday shops reported an instant fall in sales of Pokémon cards.
Nick Clegg must be the most forgetful man in Britain. Not only has he forgotten his promises to the electorate about what he would do when in power, this week he forgot he was in power. It could be worse however, he could forget he is a Liberal Democrat.
After the space shuttle Discovery set off on it's very final flight after 30 years of service, we here at newsjack decided we could not let this historic occasion pass without some form of recognition. So, In the very best British tradition we would like to say, Jolly Well Done.
First attempts at writing jokes. Ever. Might as well put them out there and see what I can improve next time.
Voice Messages
(1)Having just seen a news article entitled "BA Man guilty of terror charges" I would just like to say that I personally don't care whether he had a university education or not. Terrorism is terrorism.
(2)This week Now Magazine revealed that Dizzee Rascal admitted to once receiving a blow job in a palm tree. Goes some way to explaining why for the last 5 years Keith Richards has had the look of a man desperately trying to forget something.
(3)An interim study this week concluded that it costs £95,000 a year to keep a prisoner. What the hell are these people thinking of? I've got a cat, which is much cheaper and is yet to murder me.
(4)I am a fisherman and I would just like to say how angry I am that the EU is planning to stop the killing of unwanted sea life. Last year I accidentally caught a wayward Nick Clegg which had been floundering in the shallows. Needless to say I now thoroughly regret throwing it back in.
(5)(Intellectual sounding man) To the uneducated eye the sight of Wayne Rooney elbowing a man's ear to death might look bad but just imagine the injuries he could have inflicted if he had opposable thumbs.
Corrections
(6)In a segment last week we spoke of William Hague's reaction to increasing criticism of David Cameron. However the third line should have said "Upon hearing the news William Hague immediately came TO his aid..." We apologise to any lawyers who may have been erroneously deployed as a result of this error.
(2) This week Now Magazine revealed that Dizzee Rascal admitted to once receiving a blow job in a palm tree. Goes some way to explaining why for the last 5 years Keith Richards has had the look of a man desperately trying to forget something.
Liked that one enourmously.
Quote: accbackman @ March 3 2011, 4:30 PM GMTFirst attempts at writing jokes. Ever. Might as well put them out there and see what I can improve next time.
Voice Messages
(1)Having just seen a news article entitled "BA Man guilty of terror charges" I would just like to say that I personally don't care whether he had a university education or not. Terrorism is terrorism.
(2)This week Now Magazine revealed that Dizzee Rascal admitted to once receiving a blow job in a palm tree. Goes some way to explaining why for the last 5 years Keith Richards has had the look of a man desperately trying to forget something.
(3)An interim study this week concluded that it costs £95,000 a year to keep a prisoner. What the hell are these people thinking of? I've got a cat, which is much cheaper and is yet to murder me.
(4)I am a fisherman and I would just like to say how angry I am that the EU is planning to stop the killing of unwanted sea life. Last year I accidentally caught a wayward Nick Clegg which had been floundering in the shallows. Needless to say I now thoroughly regret throwing it back in.
(5)(Intellectual sounding man) To the uneducated eye the sight of Wayne Rooney elbowing a man's ear to death might look bad but just imagine the injuries he could have inflicted if he had opposable thumbs.
Corrections
(6)In a segment last week we spoke of William Hague's reaction to increasing criticism of David Cameron. However the third line should have said "Upon hearing the news William Hague immediately came TO his aid..." We apologise to any lawyers who may have been erroneously deployed as a result of this error.
2 and 3 are lovely, but they just need a little re-write as they're too wordy.
"I saw the headline 'BA Man guilty of terror charges', and I don't care if he had a university education or not. Terrorism is terrorism."
"Apparently it costs 95,000 a year to keep a prisoner - why don't these people just get a cat, they're much less expensive?"
Quote: RJ @ March 3 2011, 6:36 PM GMT2 and 3 are lovely, but they just need a little re-write as they're too wordy.
"I saw the headline 'BA Man guilty of terror charges', and I don't care if he had a university education or not. Terrorism is terrorism."
"Apparently it costs 95,000 a year to keep a prisoner - why don't these people just get a cat, they're much less expensive?"
Yeah they're much better. I think I just need the practice, I can come up with the essence of a joke very easily but I then have to spend ages trying to convey it succinctly in one or two lines.
Keep at it. Getting the funny idea in the first place is hard enough! It's worth taking the extra time to get them right though. They'd rather take a gag that doesn't need any editing, than one that does.
Here are my stinking pellets
GENERAL MILES ONE-LINERS
Kate Middleton has invited the butcher, the postman and pub landlord from her village in Berkshire to her wedding to Prince William in April. Reports that she's also planning on inviting the local shoe repairer are said to be cobblers.
A couple who thought it was amusing to take a photo of their 2 year old baby in a tumble dryer and post it on Facebook have been spared a jail sentence. They didn't seem to realise children needed looking after, and weren't just adults who've shrunk in the wash
APP
MIDDLE AGED MAN
I've just had some of that baby gaga breast milk ice cream. It was delicious. Just like mum used to make.
(sorry about this next one)
MAN
Breast milk ice cream will always have its knockers.
MIDDLE AGED WOMAN
Cleaned my house earlier. I ended up getting high on drink and drugs and sleeping with a porn star. Next time I'll use Mr Sheen rather than Charlie Sheen.
VERY POSH AND SNOBBY MAN
I thought that the recent huge solar flare was affecting my TV, as the quality was awful. I then realised I'd accidentally tuned into ITV.
WORRIED WOMAN
I hope that they don't stop using fake tan on Dancing on Ice after it set off their fire alarm. It's the only thing on the show that's real.
Corrections
MILES:
A slip will be forgiven,
If you just apologise,
Be sure to heed this warning,
Or a balls-up will arise.
Last week we reported on the worrying popularity of designer vaginas. We should stress we were talking about Labiaplasty and not John Galliano.
Ah well, onwards ...
My unsuccesful quickies this week.
How can Larry King think Piers Morgan isn't "dangerous"? Last time I saw him on telly I nearly put my foot through the screen.
If these so-called experts are sure they'll detect the weightless and invisible Higgs boson by the end of next year, why can't they detect Wayne Rooney's elbow when it's been all over the telly?
TABLOID JOURNO:It's nice to see a Blue Peter presenter walking a dangerous tightrope without it involving sex or drugs. Though if you've got pictures, I'm interested.
NEWSFOX STORY:A fox has been rescued from the 72nd floor of the United Britain of London's tallest building. Isn't that incredible? Their tallest building is just 72 storeys! That's not a skyscraper, it's a tree-tickler!
...and belatedly from last week:
EGYPTIAN:When they said Cameron was coming to Cairo I was so excited! Big Brother 4 was my favourite series, though to be honest I liked Jon Tickle better.
AND FINALLY:That was an episode of Newsjack from February 2011. The week in which 1900 invitations to the wedding of William and Kate were posted, and just two months before only seventeen people actually attended the ceremony thanks to a localised Royal Mail dispute in the Clarence House area. Of course, due to CGI nobody watching TV coverage would have been any the wiser, had it not been for Elton John's hair looking a bit too realistic.
Quote: Badge @ March 3 2011, 7:38 PM GMTMy unsuccesful quickies this week.
How can Larry King think Piers Morgan isn't "dangerous"? Last time I saw him on telly I nearly put my foot through the screen.
TABLOID JOURNO:It's nice to see a Blue Peter presenter walking a dangerous tightrope without it involving sex or drugs. Though if you've got pictures, I'm interested.
Liked these ones