Hi - I didn't get through in the Sitcom Mission - but am eager for more feedback on the above - perhaps from someone who did or someone in the know. All feedback and criticism is welcome! 
Suburban Bohemia
by Todd Barty
Suburban Bohemia follows the adventures of Xander Zanii and Lily Von Lieberslieder, are a demented duo of 'contemporary theatre makers' from a privileged background, intent on living the bohemian lifestyles while maintaining the luxuries that they are accustomed to. Xander is a post-punk dandy and womaniser while Lily, his ex-wife and associate director, is a bitter gothabilly diva. With no one else to tolerate them, the argumentative pair struggle to keep their place in the avant-garde, work the funding system and make 'relevant' and 'contemporary' work. Their efforts are regularly hampered by their decadent, substance abusing antics, vitriolic arguments, acid tongues and their tendancy to condescend and offend.
Keeping them in line is Xander's niece, Lucy, who works as project manager on their regional arts project and has our work cut out trying to tame the two immature, irresponsible eccentrics.
Characters
Xander Zanii
Xander is in his late thirties and is a loud, snobbish 'theatre maker' whose dialogue drips with arts funding buzzwords. His clothes echo the 'New-Romantic' style of his eighties childhood, which he has never fully grown out of. He is spoilt and self-involved but likes to think of himself as socially aware and caring. He displays this some of the time - but cracks appear often as he battles his own self-indulgent tendancies. He likes a drink.
Lily Von Lieberslieder
Lily is a bitter, cynical cabaret diseuse and contemporary dance choreographer. She is Xander's lifelong friend and creative collaborator. They were once married for a week - but it was spent in a coma and quicklly anulled. Her look is 'gothabilly' - with lots of black and a little white and red. She is selfish and scheming and resents having to be in a regional backwater. Unlike Xander, she makes very little effort to overcome her snobbery and disdain.
Lucy Llewellen
Lucy is Xander's niece by his older sister Elizabeth. She is sensible, kindly, loyal and very professional. She loves her Uncle Xander, but is exasperated by his disorganisation and immaturity. She comes to work with him as his project manager. She is in conflict with Lily, who she sees as a negative influence on her uncle.
Suburban Bohemia
by Todd Barty
(The lights come up on a table with two human forms on it, covered with an ethnic looking duvet. Another table is covered in empty alcohol bottles in various stages of emptiness and a mess of paperwork. In front of this are four chairs, arranged into a corner couch shape, with ethnic looking throw rugs over them.One of the human forms sits up. It is Xander Zanii - a tall, pale and slightly plump man with messy punk hair and smudged eyeliner. He is in silk pyjamas and a kimono hanging open. )
Xander: (Looking at audience) Morning chaps, were not ready yet, hold on.
(He shakes a lump that is on the table next to him.)
Xander: Darling, the camera men are here, darling...
( He pulls the bedding aside to reveal a cushion and a pillow. He is crestfallen.)
Xander: (To audience). Must've had an early start.
(Standing and straightening up.)
Xander: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I, for those of you so sheltered that you don't know me, am Xander Zanii, Artistic Director of Group Z productions in Sydney (or London). I'm a contemporary performance maker, and this is the first day of my arts research and development mission in the regional city of Townsville (or insert regional city name). Just bear with me... you can edit this later...
(Xander reaches off and brings on a tooth brush and toothpaste. He puts the paste on his brush and throws the tube off again.)
Xander: I'm quite well known for my contributions to the avant-garde over the years. Excuse me...
(Xander brushes and spits off stage. He sticks out his tongue and scrapes it with the brush, then spitsoff stage distastefully.)
Xander: You might have heard of my German Expressionist inspired multi-media rave installations... (Rinses mouth)... or my dance/theatre piece - The Thousand Eyes of Caligari.
But were here because we .. Are you taping?... Because this would be good for publicity... Were interested in engaging with... diverse communities... by reflecting the present and the prescient past in... accessible hybrid works... with the participation of a broad demographic... how's that?!
Now...
(Takes some tablets for the bar and puts them in in his mouth.)
Xander: Today...
(Picks up a bottle and takes a swig. Squints and looks at the bottle - it is 'Cinzano'. He puts it down and picks up a bottle of water and guzzles.)
Xander: Today my associate director Lily Von Lieberslieder - is coming to join us - you'll recognise Lily of course from her cabaret work.
(Xander sits down at the computer.)
Xander: Let's see... I get piles of emails, you have no idea... I've been looking for a new administrator... ah, Lily...
(Xander squints to read. He looks around and picks up a magnifying glass and reads the screen through it.)
Xander: Shit... what time is it... she'll be here...
(Xander runs off and returns with Lily.)
Lily: What a dump.
Xander: Hello Lily.
Lily: What are they doing here?
Xander: The documentary.
Lily: For goodness sake, Xander. Early nineties, pastels, bourgeois kitsch.
Xander: Its free. It's my niece's old place. I've got a few things.
Lily: Get rid of this would you.
(Hands him an empty Vodka bottle.)
Xander: Did you just have this in the car then?
(Xander tips it up to get the last drop.)
Lily: You bring me to this horrible place...
Xander: (To audience.) Lily has a problem with alcohol...
Lily: No I don't, I drink it, I enjoy it, no problem!
(Lily sits. They laugh)
Xander: (To audience.) We were married... very briefly. It was annulled.
Lily: We passed out straight after the reception and had a fight when we woke up....
Xander: (To audience.) One week later...
Lily: Then we got it annulled.
Xander: Still good friends, though.
Lily: You'd make a friend stay here?
Xander: We can put it as in kind contribution...
Lily: Don't talk about grants to me.
Xander: You've never stayed awake long enough to write one.
Lily: I don't want to be here, Xander?
Xander: Lily, we've been over this in Sydney.
Lily: I don't want to do this.
Xander: Its a regional conversation.
Lily: I don't like regional work.
Xander: There's money in it, Lily - we've got regional and remote, at risk youth, ethnic, Non-English Speaking, elderly - we have it all covered in this one...
Lily: Get me a drink.
Xander: You're doing the women's stuff.
Lily: What have they got.
Xander: Lucy's not a big drinker...
(Xander starts making drinks.)
Lily: Who?
Xander: Lucy, my niece - she's a project administrator for her fiancee's marketing firm.
Lily: Here?
Xander: Yes.
Lily: Where is she?
Xander: Lives with her him.
Lily: Is this the one I've met?
Xander: Yes.
Lily: Oh, that boring little bitch...
Xander: We need her, Lily...
Lily: Why?
Xander: We need a new administrator.
Lily: Not Her!
Xander: She's qualified.
Lily: She has a fiancee?
Xander: Yes.
Lily: I can't believe someone actually wants to marry her.
Xander: She's a nice girl, Lily.
Lily: Boys want a bad girl.
Xander: Perhaps but I don't think they're looking for some demented old ash tray with
implants.
Lily: Bastard.
Xander: I'll make my new invention, the Champagne Vodkatini!
Lily: Lovely!
Xander: Anyway Lily, you would know about this regional stuff if you'd stay awake for long
enough at an arts conference.
Lily: I do!
Xander: I had to put your sunglasses on you so that no one would notice. I convinced the people next to us that you were a blind mute from the Arts Inclusion. Network.
Lily: I just keep them on now.
Xander: Probably a good thing.
Lily: Are you insinuating that my face needs covering.
(Xander brings the drinks over.)
Xander: Here..
Lily: I'm not the one who looks like a fat raccoon.
Xander: Really? Lose the sunglasses.
Lily: Piss off.
Xander: Some of the people we're working with have rarely ever been to a theatre or an art gallery,
Lily. They get food from those multinationals our parents have shares in - sometimes they
eat it out of plastic. Their clothes are brightly coloured and shapeless. The live in houses
with low ceilings, in suburbs, rather than lofts and refurbished factories in the city and
they shop at those sprawling, neon-lit emporia... Shopping centres...
Lily: The ones with all the concrete around?
Xander: Yes.
Lily: And the words... 'Enter', 'Exit'...
Xander: Yes those...
Lily: And the painted lines...
Xander: Yes, Lily.
Lily: Ghastly.
Xander: I know, Lily... but its their culture. We have to be sensitive.
Lily: What's this Women's thing?
Xander: International Women's Day. They want successful women in the creative industries...
Lily: Fantastic.
Xander: I've told them you'll do your 'Burlesque-ercises'.
Lily: 'Bump'n'grind your way to a fitter you.'
Xander: Yes, 'Bump'n'grind your way to a fitter you' - but don't get them to take any clothes off.
Lily: Fat?
Xander: Some of them.
Lily: No one wants to see fat people undressing. Too much like our wedding night.
Xander: Before you passed out.
Lily: Any food?
Xander: I've got to order something... I've got some olives.
Lily: Give me those.
Xander: No, Lily, we can't just sit down, we've got to get organised.
Lily: What are you talking about?
Xander: Lucy's coming today.
Lily: To find every last bit of joy and kill until its dead, I suppose.
Xander: No, to check on the house.
Lily: Just as I thought.
Xander: Now, she's not going to agree to be our new project administrator if we can't present an
organised front.
Lily: You should have kept Guy.
Xander: Don't talk to me about Guy, Lily.
Lily: I don't want Lucy.
Xander: Guy was a boring, penny-pinching little bastard, Lily.
Lily: Not so little ...
Xander: A philistine who wouldn't know creativity if it came up and put its h head between his man-
tits and went brrrr (makes horse-ish noise while wobbling his face)...like that.
Lily: Hahaha.... He did have man-tits... hahaha.
Xander: Huge man-tits.
Lily: Yes, bigger than yours, darling...
Xander: Bigger than years too, dear.
Lily: Make me another. (Hands him her glass.)
Xander: (While making more drinks.) Just try to get on with Lucy, please, darling.
Lily: Couldn't you hire someone for me this time? He was the only man in the office other than
you and he couldn't even pass Jenny Craig.
Xander: Well you failed Betty Ford. (Hands her a drink.)
Lily: I mean - you've got Melanie.
Xander: Melanie is a gifted actress who I'm training...
Lily: And I'm Lady bloody Gaga
Xander: I just haven't found the right role for her yet.
Lily: She's not a receptionists arse.
Xander: She's learning.
Lily: After hours, Xander.
Xander: I can't think what you're talking about.
Lily: I want to pick the Project Manager - I want a Chippendale in a Pierre Cardin tie that I can
lead him around with.
Xander: Your thinking about his tie?
Lily: Xander, its not fair -
Xander: Lucy's been brought up in a creative family, creativity is in our
genes... now quickly...
(Lily lies down on the across the chairs. Xander picks a throw rug up and shakes it as, the door bell sounds).
Xander: Who's that? (He throws the rug back over the chairs, covering Lily - but he does not see this as his attention has turned to the door.) You'll see Lily, Lucy always liked me!
(He goes to answer the door. Lily is motionless. Xander runs back in.)
Xander: Shit, Lily, its her. Lily?
Lucy: (off) Xander!
Xander: Shit! (He runs off.)
(Lucy enters, followed by Xander.)
Xander: Darling girl, how are you?
Lucy: I've been better, Xander.
Xander: Oh?
Lucy: The bins are overflowing, Xander.
Xander: Yes, I'll be taking them out tonight.
Lucy: Rubbish was this morning, Xander.
Xander: Really?
Lucy: Yes...
Xander: That's odd, I didn't hear a thing. Why didn't you call... I thought you were coming later.
Lucy: I called several times this morning.
Xander: Must've been in the shower.
Lucy: You've just got up.
Xander: Have not!
Lucy: (Indicating audience.) Why are all of these people here.
Xander: They're doing a documentary about me.
Lucy: Turn off those cameras. Look at this place.
Xander: (Whispering to audience). Keep filming.
Lucy: You're not even dressed.
Xander: I'm not going anywhere - Why waste clothing when I'm not going out - I'm trying to save
on washing.
Lucy: You're lazy.
Xander: I care about the environment.
Lucy: That's why you have just about every appliance in the house on.
Xander: I don't normally do that.
Lucy: I suppose they've been on since last night.
Xander: Yeah, well, I just passed out.
Lucy: look at all these bottles, how much have you been drinking?
Xander: Just a glass or two with meals - I mean, I'm an adult, am I not?
Lucy: That's debatable.
Xander: I can drink if I like.
Lucy: Mum warned me that this was a bad idea, so did Granddad.
Xander: Oh, well he's the one who's cut my allowance to a bloody trickle.
Lucy: You're nearly forty.
Xander: How do you know that?
Lucy: I thought you said you were an adult.
Xander: I wouldn't have to be here chasing grant money if it weren't for him.
Lucy: and here I was thinking that you cared about regional arts.
Xander: I do.
Lucy: What's this? (She pulls the throw of Lily.)
Xander: She's a blind mute.
Lucy: Lily Von Lieberslieder.
Lily: Hello, Lucy.
Lucy: Lily doesn't belong in the regions, Xander.
Lily: I told him that.
Lucy: Lily, don't agree with me, its creepy.
Xander: She's my associate director.
Lucy: Are you trying to alienate the people here? Do you really think that she's the right person.
Lily: I know how to behave, I know how to communicate and network, I went to Bedales too you
know.
Lucy: Last time you did a regional project you punched a community development officer.
Lily: She was coming at Xander with a knife.
Xander: She was cutting a cake, darling.
Lily: Ah, shut up.
Xander: We just need some help getting organised. We lost our Project Manager.
Lucy: How?
Lily: Xander pissed in his office.
Lucy: Xander!
Xander: I didn't know he would quit.
Lucy: Why?
Xander: He was irritating me.
Lucy: And I suppose you want me to be your new project manager?
Xander: Well...
Lucy: Are you mad?
Lily: Don't walk into that one, Xander.
Xander: I bet I could pay you more than you're earning now.
Lucy: You couldn't pay me enough.
Xander: Look at this budget - look at the money we've got for this.
(Xander pulls a piece of paper from the mess on the table.)
Lucy: That's your filing system?
Xander: I found it didn't I?
Lucy: This is a lot of money.
Xander: Yes, my dear.
Lily: We've been the brains trust behind the Australia Council (Or British Council) for years.
Lucy: I can't believe they've met you.
Xander: Well they have and we've got a lot of work on up here.
Lucy: What?
Xander: Burlesque-ercises for international Women's Day.
Lily: Bump'n'Grind your way to a fitter you.
Xander: Bump'n'Grind your way to a fitter you. We've Myerhold's Biomechanics for the mentally
ill, playbuilding for at risk youth, contemporary movement for the elderly... we've taken
over a historical re-enactment day.
Lucy: That should be interesting.
Xander: Better than when those amateurs do it. And we're casting a series that BBC Two are
shooting here.
Lucy: Why did they choose you?
Lily: We're big, and we're here on the ground.
Lucy: Literally.
Xander: (To audience.) This is just typical of my family.
Lucy: Is that still on.
Xander: No, I forgot. (He motions for the camera to continue as he talks.) I was saying that this
is typical of you lot, to criticise anything that I do. Its all about money, money, money,
money. 'Grow up, Xander'. 'Pull your weight, Xander'...
Lily: Better you than me sweetheart.
Xander: And even when I do manage to make to lots of money, by making good art by the way, not
the lifeless mass produced shit churned out to please the tourists and brain-damaged,
drooling at the mouth masses, like my father does, you all find something to whinge and
bitch and moan about.
Lily: Tell her to piss off, Xander.
Xander: Meanwhile, I offer you a rare opportunity for some exciting work in the miserable little
backwater and you just shit on me from a great hight because your happy marketing some..
dull piece of shit... I don't know what.... for this fiancee who's probably boring enough
to make drying paint look like Disneyland...
(Lucy has started to cry.)
Lily: Sex is probably like Temazepam
Lucy: Shut - up, will you just shut up.
(She goes to leave. Xander stops her.)
Xander: No, no... Lucy, darling, what's going on?
Lucy: Just get lost.
Xander: (Sitting down with her.)No, I'm sorry.
Lily: It was just a joke.
Xander: Tell Uncle Xander what's wrong...
Lily: (To audience.) Are you getting this?
Xander: Is it the wedding... is it stressful? Because weddings can be very stressful.
Lily: I know mine was.
Lucy: I don't want to talk about that.
Xander: But is it... the wedding.
Lucy: There's not going to be a wedding.
Xander: What?
Lucy: Its not... its not happening.
Xander: Why? Was it him?
Lucy: Xander, don't worry.
Xander: Did he cheat?
Lucy: Don't get involved.
Xander: He cheated, that little prick, he cheated.
Lily: I knew it.
Xander: Shut up!
Lucy: And I quit.
Xander: You did?
Lucy: I'm moving back here.
Xander: Fantastic, this works perfectly! (noticing Lucy.) Oh, sweetheart, I am sorry. But you know,
you have a job.
Lucy: I don't know about that, Xander.
Xander: Come on, dear, you've seen the budget I've got. I always thought you liked me.
Lucy: I do.
Xander: Remember those boring family things, when you were little? You thought I was the fun
uncle. Lucy, dear, I was the 'funcle'.
Lucy: (laughs slightly) You're very immature.
Xander: Yes.
Lucy: I don't want to fight with you two all of the time.
Xander: We'll be good - won't we, Lily? (Lily is silent) Lily?
Lily: Fine.
Lucy: Well, when do you want me to start?
Xander: Straight away, dear.
Lily: Oh good.... (holding her glass out to Lucy). Do you know how to make a Champagne
Vodkatini?
Xander: (Looking to audience.) And cut!
Lights fade.
By Todd Barty
