Simon King is sitting on an office type chair (reminiscent of Parkinson) and
A cream leather sofa, a semi circle type audience around him, the lights are dimmed
To create an authentic studio type set.
Simon looks at camera excitedly.
SIMON: Well my first guest is a lady, not just a normal lady though because about six months ago,
This lady captured our nation's hearts, when she beat the living f**k out of an intruder with...
I don't know she's a woman, so probably a shoe but without further a do please go mad like you
Where at an all night rave in Germany, with David Hasselhoff, for Diane Charlton (Simon stands up and claps).
Audience cheer, out comes Diane down some stairs waving at audience looking defiant, Simon hurriedly goes and hugs Diane
SIMON: Diane it's great to have you on the show, you're an inspiration to erm... people,
DIANE: Thank you Simon it's great to be here
SIMON: So about six months ago you and your erm... cat where enjoying a nice night in front of the TV.,
When all of a sudden a man dressed as a priest knocked on your door, tell us the rest.
DIANE: Well Simon I answered the door and to my horror he barged his way in and threatened me...
SIMON: (interrupting) ha-ha with his bible... (Clears throat), sorry go on
DIANE: ... As I was saying, he threatened me with what looked like a knife, so I let him in and gave it to him
SIMON: (Interrupts again), I'm assuming you didn't mean money for a church roof. Again I'm sorry.
DIANE: No of course not (looking rather annoyed), I hit him knocked him to the floor and stamped on him
SIMON: Wow incredible bravery hey audience! (Looks to audience while they cheer and whistle)
DIANE: Well it was nothing honestly... I'm used to it, being a lesbian I mean...
SIMON: (Interrupts again this time looking rather confused) erm... sorry did you say lesbian?
DIANE: (also looking stunned) erm... yes a lesbian, problem?
SIMON: No not at all I'm a big lesbian fan, watch all your films
DIANE: What films? (Looking annoyed)
SIMON: You know.... Anyway getting back to your story Diane,
DIANE: Please!
SIMON: (Looks lost), Sorry can't get the image of carpets out my head, don't know why. Getting back to
Your story, you beat him within an inch of his life and at the same time gave encouragement to
Many women, you wrote a book and started self defence classes for frightened and abused woman,
(Looks at audience) what a woman ladies and gentlemen (audience cheers)
Diane looks to audience and mutters a thank you.
SIMON: Anyway let's get to your book it's called "intruder" and I hear there's to be a movie of this book to be made by
Universal.
DIANE: Yes that's right, they wanted Wesley Snipes in the role of the intruder but I refused.
SIMON: And why's that?
DIANE: (confused) well he's a darkie, we can't have that...
Audience shocked and appalled, some hissing
SIMON: (shocked and lost for words) Erm... I'm afraid you can't say things like that, chinky's ok because it's a food
But not darkie love.
DIANE: Well I don't care because they're evil (some boos beginning to raine across the crowd).
Anyway you are just as bad...
SIMON: I beg your pardon (looking pissed off), Lesbians are f**king wank fodder (pointing finger at an angry looking Diane),
Them people you call darkies are people too, how dare you come on my show saying this, (looking calmer, but still upset)
You were fine at first love then you turn into Bernard Manning's evil twin, with I don't know.... a fanny, know you either apologise
Or f**k off. (Mutters under breath while turning away) carpet f**king munching f**king..... Anyway... not much else to say unless
You want to tell me you're a f**king man in drag which I wouldn't be surprised, as you look like a builder...
DIANE: How dare you!
SIMON: Oh yeah that reminds me I've got a brick wall that needs knocking down, you could knock it down with you're big
Builder like hands. (Puts finger in ear as if listening to the producer), Right ok we're going to carry on despite that bombshell
DIANE: Well I suppose I'd better talk to you, you cretin...
SIMON: (About to react).... well Diane when you were attacked what was running through you're mind? Don't say Davina McCall
DIANE: (still looking annoyed but soldiers on)...Well Simon I thought to myself what's going to happen to me am I going to jail or be shunned
From society.
SIMON: I know love but you did what was best and beat the f**king shite out of him, well done! you big racist.
(Looks to camera and points finger) Parkinson we're miles better than you're show we've got big builder looking
Hard as nails resist lesbians what have you got.....? (Snaps out of it) Sorry about that audience just had a moment
Of madness there, not that I condone racism, well you could say I'm racist... because I don't like Formula one it's shit
Audience is silent much to Simon's annoyance.
SIMON: And it all had a happy ending didn't it, tell us more?
DIANE: Yes Simon well I met and married my current partner Jill (audience claps).
SIMON: How about that ladies and gent's (looks to audience), a traditional church wedding I understand?
DIANE: Yes Simon that's right, it was a very joyous occasion my family and friends where there
SIMON: And how did it go with the priest?
DIANE: (looks confused), Sorry!
SIMON: You know the priest, you didn't attack him did you, (laughs to himself)
DIANE: Yes I did... (Audience and Simon look shocked)
SIMON: Erm... why?
DIANE: Well he made remarks about my sexuality
SIMON: Go on tell us more?
DIANE: Well he said he had to be quick because there was a sale on at "Carpet munchers"
SIMON: Erm... that's a great shop I know the owner Delroy he fitted my carpet (clears throat).... Anyway
I understand it took five big burley bouncers and Ronnie Corbett to stop you, from ramming a rabbit down his
Throat why a poor rabbit, why not a hedgehog?
DIANE: Ha ha ha! You obviously don't understand it wasn't an animal,
SIMON: (look of disgust) well that's just disgusting that, did you clean it first?
DIANE: Well it was still a bit sticky (audience make ugh! sound)
SIMON: Why was Ronnie Corbett there?
DIANE: Oh Ronnie and I go way back, we shared a flat when I lived in London, he's a lovely man and he's not all small you know
SIMON: I thought you were a lesbian?
DIANE: Well I am but wasn't always
SIMON: So what happened?
DIANE: Well I was seeing this guy and he kept pretending to be Richard whitely in one of his sex games, I was carol
Vorderman you see and he even bought a giant countdown clock and he would ejaculate when the clock stopped
Playing that stupid tune
SIMON: (mutters countdown clock), di di di di diddle do boo! Hahaha! sorry so that put you off men they must've all been bloody weird then
DIANE: Yes they were, one bloke wanted to bring his mother in the bedroom....
SIMON: UGH! That's disgusting...
DIANE: No not for that for encouragement it was not on.
SIMON: Ok well interesting story Diane I'm sure we'll see more of you, (looks to audience) Ladies and Gentlemen Diane Charlton
Audience claps and cheers but some still booing and hissing
DIANE: Thank you!
Audience still cheering as Simon looks at screen and prepares to announce next guest.
SIMON: Now my next guest is a local celeb from just down the road in coxtif (fictional town), not just anyone as he came
5th in the song for Great Britain in 1960, please welcome Gary Bleesdale (audience cheer as Gary comes down some stairs waving)
SIMON: Welcome to the show Gary (offers handshake whilst sitting down)
GARY: Nice to be hear mate
SIMON: So your journey began in....sorry when did it begin again?
GARY: Well Simon it began in 1959 when I was 20, I was touring the local pubs and clubs at the time, and doing really well
When I was approached by none other than Alan Rimmer....
SIMON 
interrupting) sorry who are we talking about? (Looking confused)
GARY: Alan Rimmer, the famous music agent. Anyway he came up to me and said "you sound great you could make young women wet...
SIMON: (Interrupts again) Wet! what do you mean wet?
GARY: Wet! you know sexually...anyway he carried on, he said "you've got the look of a star"
SIMON: Not to mention the size of a star, because you were quite big then weren't you?
GARY: Yes I was 35 stone then...
SIMON: So how would you make women wet? unless he meant piss them selves laughing
GARY: Well Simon you've heard of Barry White...
SIMON: Yeah the bloke who does the Cillit Bang ads, but what has he got to do with this?
GARY: That was Barry Scott...
SIMON: Oh sorry, go on!
GARY: Well I was like him but 15 years early, and more working class, instead of singing about sex and stuff I would sing
About unemployment and egg n chips but sexually
SIMON: So it was then were he got you recording your first single "baby don't brake my yoke"
GARY: That's right.
SIMON: But it was the follow up a year later that you performed in front of literally.... tens of people for the song for Britain.
GARY: Yes I sang my second single "no job no toast".
SIMON: Sadly it didn't do as well as people hoped...it came 5th. Why?
GARY: Well because they're all cheating f**ks (audience look shocked at his language), they knew mine was better they were just
F**king jealous.
SIMON: Ok fair enough you were cheated, and after that you went down hill, tell us more?
GARY: Well I even lost weight, I went from a 35 stone to 7 stone in a year, and I slept naked in a cave in Wales shagging sheep.
SIMON: But now you're back... and fat again... full of soul, and I don't mean the fish
GARY: Yes with my new single, "back in lard"
A MOCK CHAT SHOW I WROTE EARLIER IN THE YEAR BUT HAVN'T FINISHED IT YET. ANY THOUGHTS?.
SIMON: Which I understand you're going to sing for us now
GARY: Yes Simon (Gary walks over to microphone on stage)
SIMON: So here he is with his come back single "back in lard"
Audience cheer and some whistle, then camera pans over to Gary who is about to sing. Piano music softly plays then about 20 secs
In the music goes into "bat out of hell" by Meatloaf.
(5 minute delay for song)...
