When one comes into my head I occasionally tweet some funnies. Any good ones here?
Just had boiled egg with soldiers. F**k knows how I ended up in the army. I only went out for a couple of pints!
My friend just landed a job where he was told he could name his own salary. He's going to call his 'Dave'.
When I left school my careers advisor told me big things were in store for me. He was right - I ended up selling pianos
I'm always looking to question the status quo. That's just me. So I was a bit upset the other day when Francis Rossi told me to get off his land.
Doing a course on pest control. Today's the practical exam in getting rid of flies. Quietly confident - I've been up all night swatting
What do you call a pet that likes folk music but shies away from publicity? A nonny mouse.
My mate assaulted ten people at a bus stop. When asked why he said he had a bad back & someone suggested he try a queue puncher
Do you know if you find a washed up can on a beach and put it to your ear you can hear the sound of a bar?
I'm told Vanilla Ice hosts a TV home improvement show these days "Stop,collaborate & listen, Ice is back with a brand new extension"
There was a time in my life when all I had to wipe my bum with was newspaper. Needless to say, that paper round didn't last very long!
The age limit for jury service in Scotland's been removed."Do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty?" "Er, half past two"
My dad wasn't too keen on the obese or sexually deviant. I once heard him tell a neighbour that bi & large, people are selfish
My mum always says never trust anyone with a comb over. I told her to stop making sweeping generalisations
I got sacked for phone hacking once. You should have seen the mess the machete made of my colleague's handset though
What do you call someone from South Wales who's always in tears? Barry Cryer
Bloke down the pub told me a snooker ball in a sock makes a good weapon. The only trouble is, walking's bloody agony.
My local church has invested in a heated pool. I'm not sure I want my children swimming on religious grounds.
Can't believe people joked about the Chilean miners trapped thousands of feet underground. I mean, how much lower can you get?
A man arrested for plotting to train a falcon to attack Keith Richards & Mick Jagger has denied trying to kill 2 stones with 1 bird
I used to be a big fan of dad's army. The neighbours weren't so keen. Particularly when my father & his 'platoon' set up camp in their back garden
My ex was a cross dresser. Come to think of it she got pretty angry when she was getting undressed too
Got to my local video store just before it closed last night and asked 'Do you have Fargo?' 'No sir, I live right round the corner'.
My mum told me good things come to those who wait. I disagree. The hours are long, the pay's shit & our chef 'gobs' in the starters.
Football news-The Royal Ballet played the English National ballet at Wembley last night. A hard fought game, it ended in a tutu draw
I used to work at a tailors putting zips and/or buttons on trousers. Really dull. Spent all day asking 'would you like flies with that?
Up in Birmingham. I'm off to a 70s fancy dress party so popped into a shop & asked for a kipper tie. They brought me a cup of PG tips
Used to have a job making wedding cakes. It didn't go well at 1st as I only made basic 'one level' cakes. Inevitably, it all ended in tiers.
Grandad was proud of the small shop he ran. Each morning he'd cry "wizzywig" and we'd shout 'on your effing head you stupid old git'
Almost got a job as a labourer once, but on the morning of the interview I started bricking it
Had an interview the other day. Fingers crossed.They said they'd 'get back to me' & showed me the door,& a very nice door it was too!
I worked in a factory that made chess boards. Each week a man from wages came round, handed me an envelope and said 'cheque, mate'
Got myself a life coach. He said the outlook's grim & I should cut my cloth accordingly. As of today I'm wearing a thong & a flat cap
Had an email asking if I wanted to 'bang all night'? I replied 'no, I did that last Thursday when the neighbours refused to turn their music down'
I got a job at an accountants. I'd only been there a couple of days when the boss called me in and told me my days were numbered
I used to be a graffiti artist. Didn't really enjoy it though. In fact the writing was on the wall from day one.
I used to work as an Animator - a right Mickey Mouse job that was
I went to blockbusters & asked if they had planes, trains & automobiles."No sir, we're a video store
Blue Tac, Stuck up or what?
