British Comedy Guide

Peculiar Pantos - please read and comment.

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Peculiar Pantos
Episode 1
Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum
by Todd Barty
Peculiar Pantos is a series of short, comical rhyming adaptations with bizarre twists and crossovers between well known stories. The sets should be deliberately cartoonish or unrealistic, giving them the appearance of a traditional British Pantomime. It is designed to be performed by the same cast, with the same Narrator, in each episode.

Cast

Goldilockpick A pretty but greedy and unintelligent young woman.

Little Red Riding Hoodlum A pretty young woman who is vain and scheming.

Narrator A cultured observer.

Mum Bear A kindly, clever housewife.

Dad Bear A cheerful avuncular gentleman.

Little Bear An excitable, happy tyke.

Gran Hood A swaggering theatrical rascal - the pantomime dame.

Agent O'Wolf A greasy, sly secret agent.

The Huntsman A mindless henchman.

Policeman 1 A bumbling officer.

Policeman 2 Another bumbling officer.

Possible Doubling

Dad Bear/Huntsman/Policeman 1

Little Bear/Wolf/Policeman 2

Mum Bear/ Gran Hood

Some of this means very quick changes!
Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum
by Todd Barty

(The Narrator is seated across the front of the stage. Behind them, on stage right, is the Bear's House. Here, there is a table with three bowls of porridge, spoons, cups and a jug of water. Next to this are three chairs with a large cushion, a small cushion and a medium sized cushion. On stage left is Grandma's House - a chair with an old but fancy rug.)

Narrator: Welcome children, young and old.
Today a story will be told.
About porridge, greed, grandmas and crime,
All of those things that enliven bedtime.
We'll meet two girls, who I'm sure you've met before,
But I fear that there's a surprise in store.
Even though they're characters you've all heard about.
The popular versions leave a few things out.

But let us first introduce three gentle creatures,
With paws, big noses and plush, furry features.
These folk would be heroes, if the stories were fair,
We are talking of Mum, Dad and Little bear.
A happy family, wholesome and stable,
They came in for supper, and sat at the table.

(As they are introduced, the Bears enter, waving to the audience, and sit at the table.)

Mum Bear: I know you're both hungry, so I've made a treat.
Three big scrumptious bowls of porridge to eat.

Little Bear: Wow Mum, I love porridge, you're really the best.
I'll take a big mouthful and give it a test.

(Little Bear takes a spoonful of porridge and eats.)

Narrator: Little Bear dug in with a very large scoop,
And as soon as he ate it, he ran in a loop.
He tried to yell something, no one knew what.
He tried hard to say that the porridge was hot.

(As this is said, Little Bear has jumped up and is running around frantically, his cheeks bulging, making garbled sounds indicating his pain. Mum Bear and Dad Bear struggle to restrain him.)

Dad Bear: My dear, I don't say you're a culinary fool,
But before we eat this it needs time cool.
I know just what to do, while we wait for the goods,
Why don't we take a nice stroll in the woods.

Mum Bear: I think that that's a very good idea.
And little bear needs the cold night air, I fear.
Although he's stopped running and ranting,
I see that the poor little fellow's still panting.

Dad Bear: Then it's settled, we're off for a family trot,
And when we return our food won't be so hot.

(They exit, Mum Bear and Dad Bear leading Little Bear. The Narrators bring a small section of the exterior wall, including a window, onto stage.)

Narrator: As the family left, they weren't to know
Their house would fall victim to a villain so low
That into their house she was going to steal,
And use their furniture, and steal their meal.

(Goldilockpick enters. She looks very sweet and indeed she bats her eyelids and gives the audience a pleasant curtsy. Then, however, she breaks the façade and shakes her fist threateningly.)

Yes, I speak of Goldilocks, and here's the scandal,
She's not a sweet girl, she's a terrible vandal,
She looks pretty and trustworthy, but to tell the truth,
She's a vicious delinquent, and very uncouth.
Goldilockpick, they called her, and with her crook's nous,
She crowbared the window on the bear's house.

(Goldilockpick takes a crowbar from her basket and uses it on the window.)

She wasn't too bright, they'd not locked the door,
She crawled over the sill and fell to the floor.

(Goldilockpick crawls through the window. As she does so, she trips, stumbles and falls. She lands in an amusing but undignified position, with her legs in the air and her bright frilly undies showing to the audience. In a moment, she straightens herself up and sniffs at the air.)

Goldilockpick: Aha, well what's this delectable smell,
They've made me some supper, but I'll never tell.
I'll try this one first, this big steaming pot.

(She takes a big mouthful from Dad Bear's bowl.)

Oh, my, oh no, its hot, hot hot!

(She douses her face with the jug.)

Good thing that jug of cold water was close by,
If I weren't so tough I could probably cry.
Now, what about this bowl, its not steaming,
It might be the feast of which I've been dreaming.

(She takes a big mouthful from Mum Bear's bowl, screws up her face and spits it out.)

Oh, yuk, its gross, its far too cold.
Perhaps I was just a little too bold.
Only one left, might as well have a bite.

(She cautiously eats from Little Bears bowl.)

As a matter of fact, this one seems just right.

(Now that she has found a bowl that is "just right" she eats it greedily and messily.)

Ooh, I feel tired, I might take a seat.
Have a quick rest, put up my feet.

(She sits on the big, thickly padded chair and wriggles around to test it. It does not meet with her approval.)

Oh, no, this one's too soft, no good for my back.

(She looks at the ridiculously small chair uneasily and slowly sits.)

That looks too small, ouch! I sat on a tack!

(She jumps up quickly and rubs her backside. She then eases herself into the regular sized chair.)

Ah, this one's nice, I could rest here a heap,
But what I really need is a sleep.

(With a yawn, she raises herself languidly and exits.)

Narrator: So feeling full, this vile pest,
Went upstairs to take a rest.
To Little Bear's bed, the criminal adjourned,
A nasty surprise for the bears, when they returned.

Meanwhile, in another part of the wood,
Another young girl was up to no good.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum creeps onto stage. She is also very pretty, but looks are deceiving.)

She hid in the trees, and when travellers walked past,
She'd grab them and gag them and steal their stuff, fast.

(One of the Narrators walks onto stage with a basket. Little Red Riding Hoodlum grabs them from behind and wrenches the basket from them.)

When I say it, believe it, you've not misunderstood,
I speak of none other than Red Riding Hood.

(Now carrying the basket, Little Red Riding Hoodlum comes to the front of the stage and gives the audience a curtsy, very sweetly.)

Through the woods, Little Red Riding Hoodlum ran,
To hide pilfered goods with her criminal Gran.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum runs off. Gran enters, wearing a robe over her clothes, and grins falsely at the audience. She is not a nice old lady, but looks very trashy - with too much make-up. She takes the robe off and drops it onto the bedside table. She then lies down in the bed.)

But alas, the law had caught onto this game,
And sent an agent of renown and fame.
A well trained and sleek professional spy.
Called Agent O'Wolf, from the FBI,
That's the Fairyland Bureau of Investigations,
Where Double O Wolf was quite a sensation.

(Agent O'Wolf sticks his head out from under the bead and looks around, surveying the territory.)

While the grim Gran lay waiting for the wayward Red,
Our bold action hero arrived there instead.

(Agent O'Wolf rolls in, stands up and pulls a gun on Gran. He is very confident and debonair.)

Agent O'Wolf: Freeze grandma, you want trouble, well you're in a packet.
I'm Double O Wolf, sent to break up this racket.
Now come along quietly, make like Mother Hubbard.
Put your hands in the air and step into the cupboard.

(Gran reluctantly gets out of bed and raises her hands.)

Gran: Just you wait, you hairy beast,
You won't scare my Red in the least.
She'll surely take you out with ease,
You think that you're so suave, oh please,
My Red will eat you up for dinner,
We'll soon see who comes out the winner.

(Agent O'Wolf pushes Gran into the cupboard.)

Agent O'Wolf: Well now, old lady, I have an order,
To dress up like you and spring your grand-daughter.

( Agent O'Wolf pulls the satin robe left on the bedside table over his shoulders and climbs into the bed. Just as he has finished doing this, Little Red Riding Hoodlum enters. She kneels down at the foot of the bed and opens her basket.)

Red Riding Hoodlum: Well hello gran, I've brought the spoils,
Of my pilfering, iniquitous toils.
Delicious food, the finest, purest,
Stolen from a hapless tourist.
Come granny dearest, what do you crave?
I've got a huge appetite, what should I save?

(Agent O'Wolf puts on an old lady's voice.)

Agent O'Wolf: Please step closer, Red Riding Hoodlum dear
My ears have gone funny, it's quite hard to hear.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum approaches Agent O'Wolf. She is obviously suspicious.)

Red Riding Hoodlum: My my, grandma, what a big nose you've got.

Agent O'Wolf: The better to smell your cooking, when it's piping hot.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Explain to me grandma, why you've such big eyes.

Agent O'Wolf: In case the police come, they're my disguise.

Red Riding Hoodlum: But, handcuffs, grandma, I don't understand.

Agent O'Wolf: All the better to cuff your hand.

(Agent O'Wolf, flicking off the robe, jumps out of bed and grabs Little Red Riding Hoodlum's hands, cuffing them behind her back.)

Narrator: The wolf moved quickly, no need to be violent,
And cried out in triumph:

Agent O'Wolf: You've the right to remain silent.

Narrator: Then into the room, not a moment to soon,
Came Red's granny's henchman, an axe wielding goon.

(The Huntsman bursts in violently behind Agent O'Wolf, looking gruesomely at the large axe he carries.)

A huntsman who poached, worked outside of the law,
A quick blow from his axe, and the wolf was no more.

(The Huntsman brings his axe down into Agent O'Wolf's back. Agent O'Wolf falls dramatically. He pops up several times, first frightening and then boring the other characters. Finally, he dies.)

Now, I know this plot twist is distastefully gory,
But notice its difference from the popular story,
We know the wolf as a villain, with big teeth and claws,
In truth he was noble and dedicated, he died for his cause.

Huntsman: So all along, you knew the score,
That's why you had me wait at the door?

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum easily undoes the handcuffs and throws them aside.)

Red Riding Hoodlum: You're very observant, I'm glad you've caught up,
But thank you for dicing this nosy police pup.
Now listen to me, I don't want to shout,
Go to the cupboard and let my Gran out.

(The Huntsman opens the cupboard door and Gran steps out. Cackling gleefully, she totters over to the body of Agent O'Wolf and kicks it.)

Gran: Well, looks like the wolf's case is open and shut.
I knew we could finish that troublesome mutt.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum picks up her basket and produces from it a jar of Scotch Marmalade which she gives to Gran.)

Red Riding Hoodlum: Now gran dear, I've something, for which I've not paid,
I've brought you your favourite, scotch marmalade.

Gran: If that wolf was really smart, if he was truly up and on the beat,
He'd have known that you don't have to ask your gran what she'd like to eat.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Well then, Gran, enjoy your supper, I must bid you adieu,
I've many more trinkets to swipe before the day is
through.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum exits. Gran and the Huntsman drag Agent O'Wolf off stage.)

Narrator: So Red Riding Hoodlum had beaten the wolf, to plunder another day,
At this point in the story, it seemed she would get away.
Let us not forget, though, our tale's other component,
The bears were coming home, to face their young opponent.
Unfortunately, they'd stayed out far too long.
Their plans to eat the porridge, by now had all gone wrong.
The bears, unexpectedly, had been walking for three hours,
And obviously, in that time, porridge left out sours.

(The Bears enter. )

Little Bear: That walk has made me hungry, I feel like I have fasted.

Mum Bear: But I fear that we've been out too long, that porridge won't have
lasted.

Dad Bear: Your mother's right, we took a while - three hours in fact, so surely,
If we eat that porridge now, we'd certainly feel poorly.

Mum Bear: I'll make some more, just sit down on your chairs.

( Mum Bear starts to leave and Dad Bear and Little Bear go to sit, but they are stopped by the sound of heavy footsteps.)

Narrator: But as she went to the kitchen, there were footsteps on the stairs.
The bears coming home had caused Goldilockpick to awaken,
Gung-ho, she burst into the room, the bears were very shaken.

( Goldilockpick bursts in with her basket in one hand and a gun in the other. She points the gun at the frightened Bears and throws her basket to Mum Bear.)

Goldilockpick: Freeze, catch my basket, you great big lump of fur,
You've heard of Goldilockpick, well, guess what folks, I'm her!
You two, do as I say, keep your hands up in the air,
You, open up my basket, and put that porridge in there.

( Dad Bear and Little Bear stand with their hands in the air. Mum Bear puts the bowls of porridge into the basket, turning to the audience as she does so.)

Mother Bear: If that girl eats this porridge, she's sure to feel unwell,
But maybe that's a little something that I shouldn't tell.

Goldilockpick: You really must excuse me, my manners are appalling,
I can't stay here to share your meal, so hurry up! Stop stalling!

Narrator: Not wanting to spare a minute more,
Gold grabbed her basket, and headed out the door.

( Goldilockpick grabs her basket and begins to leave the Bear's house, turning back to them as she does so.)
Goldilockpick: If you call the cops, before I'm out of sight,
I'll take you out with all my might!

(Goldilockpick heads towards centre stage. Little Red Riding Hoodlum sneaks on unnoticed and puts her basket down at stage left, before creeping up behind Goldilockpick.)

Narrator: Gold made for the woods, she thought she was ahead,
But up behind her, came Little Red.
She moved up quickly, and stuck out her boot,
She tripped Gold over and stole her loot.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum trips Goldilockpick, who falls face first to the ground. Little Red Riding Hoodlum then grabs Goldilockpick's basket and starts to leave.)

But tripping skills, Gold didn't lack,
So she tripped Red and dragged her back.

(Goldilockpick catches Little Red Riding Hoodlum's leg. As Goldilockpick stands up, Little Red Riding Hoodlum is tripped over and lands on her side. Goldilockpick, still holding Little Red Riding Hoodlum's leg, drags her back by it and reclaims her basket. Little Red Riding Hoodlum screams and the Bears run over to see what is going on.)

Red gave such a piercing shout,
The bears heard the noise, and came running out.
Red knew she had to fight now, so,
She turned around to face her foe.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum gets up awkwardly and indignantly. She then turns to face Goldilockpick.)

The stories don't say Gold was Red's rival,
But they fought each other for survival.
The woods always woke to the crashes and rattles
Of these two girls' fearsome battles.

( Little Red Riding Hoodlum and Goldilockpick circle each other.)

Red Riding Hoodlum: So Goldilockpick, a successful plunder.
It was running into me that was your blunder.
Will you give me the loot, without a sound,
Or do I have to push you around?

Goldilockpick: Red Riding Hoodlum, out thieving, I see,
Well you made a mistake in crossing me.
Just stay back, you two-bit thief,
Or I'll do something beyond belief.

( Goldilockpick, now at stage right, puts her basket down. Little Red Riding Hoodlum, who is now at stage left, charges at Goldilockpick and grabs her.)
Narrator: Then Red rushed forward, to take Gold out,
This started another awesome bout,
When these two fought, they didn't fight fair,
They scratched and pulled each other's hair.

(Goldilockpick grabs Little Red Riding Hoodlum by the hair and throws her off.
Little Red Riding Hoodlum lands in a rather undignified but very amusing position - with her legs in the air and her bright frilly undies showing. The fight escalates, with Little Red Riding Hoodlum getting up and kicking Goldilockpick in the backside. Goldilockpick then retaliates by kicking Little Red Riding Hoodlum in the backside. Each time one girl does something to the other, they face the audience proudly, not seeing the other girl sneaking up to retaliate. The girls begin pinching each other on the backside and then lifting each other's skirts up so that the audience sees their comical undies. Each girl is duly embarrassed when this happens too her. The fight descends to a scuffle on the floor, with the girls rolling around trying to keep each other down, and clearly no longer aware that their undies are showing.)

While the two girls rolled around on the floor,
Mum Bear ran to phone for the law.

(Mum Bear runs inside and gets on the phone.)

Red reached for a weapon, and with a wham,
Got Gold in the face with strawberry jam.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum reaches into her basket and produces and handful of strawberry jam, which she smears over Goldilockpick's face. Little Red Riding Hoodlum then stands up, satisfied.)

Gold was angry, her face was a mess,
But now it was Red who was in distress.

(Goldilockpick gets up furiously and lifts Little Red Riding Hoodlum off the ground.)

Gold picked Red up off the ground,
Into the air, and spun her around.

(As Mum Bear rejoins her family, Goldilockpick spins Little Red Riding Hoodlum around. After a few spins, Goldilockpick lets go of Little Red Riding Hoodlum, who falls spectacularly to the ground. Goldilockpick is still standing, but looks groggy.)

This made Gold ill, if truth be told,
And Red got her in a strangle hold.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum gets to her feet and puts the temporarily incapacitated Goldilockpick in a strangle hold.)

Gold couldn't take it, her head was sore,
So, with a thud, she fell to the floor.
(Goldilockpick appears to faint and falls over, taking Little Red Riding Hoodlum with her. They land in a heap. Little Red Riding Hoodlum pushes Goldilockpick off her, looking dishevelled but very pleased with herself.)

Red thought she had won, that this was the ending,
But she didn't know that Gold was pretending.

(Goldilockpick looks up and winks at the audience. She crawls over to Little Red Riding Hoodlum's basket.)

Gold reached in Red's basket, and with great force,
Smeared Red in the face with chocolate sauce.

(Goldilockpick produces a handful of chocolate sauce from Little Red Riding Hoodlum's basket and smears it over Little Red Riding Hoodlum's face. Little Red Riding Hoodlum screams and jumps up. While Goldilockpick sits looking satisfied, Little Red Riding Hoodlum goes to her basket.)

Although she was angry Red kayoed Gold quick,
With a swift, well aimed blow from a long French bread stick.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum gets a long French bread stick from the basket and hits Goldilockpick over the head with it. Goldilockpick is knocked out.)

Red Riding Hoodlum: Well now that you're beaten, Goldilockpick,
I've still just one question, what did you nick?

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum goes to Goldilockpick's basket and brings it downstage, taking out the bowls of porridge.)

Why, three bowls of porridge, you've answered my wish,
Did you know porridge was my favourite dish?

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum starts to eat the porridge messily from the bowls so that it gets all over her face, making an interesting blend with the chocolate sauce.)

Narrator: As Little Red guzzled down bite after bite,
She suddenly felt that something wasn't right,

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum stops eating and looks a little queasy.)

She'd always liked porridge, but now she'd learn,
Bad porridge makes your stomach turn,

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum puts the bowls down, now looking visibly ill. She holds her stomach.)

She was looking green around the gill,
Because, by now, she felt quite ill.
She clutched her stomach, gave a

Red Riding Hoodlum: Hic!

Narrator: And cried,

Red Riding Hoodlum: I'm going to be sick!

Narrator: Little Red's stomach gave a groan,

(A few loud stomach noises come from Little Red Riding Hoodlum, followed by a fart noise at which she momentarily looks embarrassed. She holds her mouth.)

She held her mouth, began to moan,
She turned from green, to red, to blue,
Then ran inside and found the loo.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum runs off.)

Although she was ill, Red survived,
But she hadn't gone when the police arrived.

(Two Policemen enter and follow Little Red Riding Hoodlum off stage. In a few moments they return, dragging a very woozy Little Red Riding Hoodlum.)

Policeman 1: Well, Little Red, we've been looking for you.

Policeman 2: And look down here, Goldilocks too.

(Policeman 2 lifts Goldilockpick to her feet and restrains her while Policeman 1 continues to restrain Little Red Riding Hoodlum.)

Policeman 1: We knew one day you'd have to fail,
And now you're headed off to jail.

Policeman 2: I think we've done good work today,
To put two crooks like these away.
(The Policemen lead the very groggy Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum off stage.)

Narrator: So now you know how things really went,
but how did these tales get so bent?
Well, while the two girls were behind prison bars,
They used the time to write their memoirs,
But they wrote what they wanted to write about,
So, for a start, they left each other out.
In the tale of Little Red Riding Hood,
The Wolf's the bad guy, and Red is good.

(Gran and the Huntsman enter, laughing as they read a copy of "Little Red Riding Hood.")

And reading the story of Goldilocks,
Gave the bears a few mean shocks.

(The Bears enter, outraged at what they read in a copy of "Goldilocks".)

Even though the girls had done the crime,
In a prison cell, they'd wasted no time.

(The Policemen lead Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum back onto stage. Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum push the Policemen out of the road and make their way downstage.)

They didn't lie there, complaining and whining,
So now that they're out, they're on tour - book signing.

(Goldilockpick holds up a copy of "Goldilocks" and Little Red Riding Hoodlum holds up a copy of "Little Red Riding Hood". The Narrators run to them for autographs as the play ends.)

Todd Barty

:)

Anyone?

Family audience - particularly the young.

Was this one you sent off to Sitcom Mission?

Quote: chipolata @ February 28 2011, 2:28 PM GMT

Was this one you sent off to Sitcom Mission?

Yes, this and "Suburban Bohemia".

Quote: Griff @ February 28 2011, 2:35 PM GMT

We don't really do children's pantos on this forum. Post up a sketch or a sitcom.

I have also put up "Suburban Bohemia" - a more adult sitcom. I think that you have read a bit before , but here's the whole episodes on the forum now.

enjoyed it, whether this is the place to post it or not I don't know, I doubt it. however reminded me of roald dahl, which imho is praise indeed!

Thanks so much!

I don't want to sound negative, but the whole thing about panto is seeing the action. Having a narrator means you're telling (and in a pretty big way) instead of letting it all happen. This might all look good on page but I don't think it transfers to stage, especially with all the rhyming. You'd be better to let the actors show it happening than having somebody tell them all the time.

And by the way, if you have to have a narrator, never sit them right in front and in the middle of the stage - this blocks the audience's view of what's happening with the actors. It's sometimes best to keep stage directions to a minimum and let the Director figure it out.

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