I didn't send in much this week and the only one I sent which I thought had any chance was this.
Last week there was story about public toilets which NewsJack promptly entered into. We just want to remind people you might want to leave it a while.
NewsJack oneliner rejects - series 4 Page 5
Congrats to those who got on.
This week's fox howlers:
Apps/Quickies
- Following the Egyptian revolt there are fears that the Suez canal will be blocked after Israel collectively shat itself.
- The Chilean government has begun extradition proceedings against Sylvio Berlusconi following allegations of underage sex with a minor.
- New York police have shut down the mob-run porn club, Berlus Coney Island.
(Especially for Miles)
- Welcome to CITV - Children's Italian TV - "What's the story Berlusconi - wouldn't you like to know?"
- The owners of two horses electrocuted at Newbury racecourse have been accused of trying to jump start them before they bolted.
- Fraud squad officers are to investigate unusual betting patterns at Newbury racecourse following a surge of bets with bookie Paddypower.
- (Mancunian) Well, I'll just have to use the nearest toilet, Liverpool.
- David Cameron has been accused of animal cruelty by the RSPCA after he left Larry the Cat alone in a room for 2 hours with Eric Pickles.
FilmFox
- They came in their thousands with their red, white and black banners, pleading for regime change, chanting slogans for the removal of a catastrophic leader supported by the Americans. Foreign strikers with a single goal in a bitter battle for the premiership. Women, children, supporters of the left-wing, right-wing and centre ground, tackling the opposition with verbal volleys and risking all; from expulsion to the ultimate penalty...FilmFox presents..."The Kop versus Roy Hodgson" - in cinemas soon.
- Political films are in vogue, with Meryl Streep to play Thatcher, now Robert de Niro is set to play the life of Charles Kennedy in The Beerhunter.
NewsFox: Tally-ho against the Taliban.
Some crackers in there Tam. Always a pleasure.
Have registered on here so I can share my unsuccessful ramblings...
Jack App
First Richard Keys was sexist, now he's a bit racist. He just needs homophobic now for a full house in Nazi Bingo!
I don't believe this story that the NHS is failing to care for the elderly. I think the service is going from strength to strength. My current Doctor is much better than the old one I used to have. I wonder what happened to Dr Shipman?
Gambling problems are on the rise in the UK apparently. I bet you a tenner it's not as bad as they say.
(Following on from Ep1 where Miles left himself a voicemail)
MILES: (IN DRUNKEN VOICE) Miles here again Miles, you've quaffed a few too many strawberry daiquiris tonight so your memory will probably be a little hazy in the morning. Before you start to panic though don't worry, you didn't get in any trouble. (HICCUPS) That scratch on your cheek isn't from getting in a scrape with a CBO or CPI, it's from a Manolo Blahnik shoe that Peaches Geldof tried to throw at a bothersome paparazzo. (HICCUPS) Oh, and you still need to get that pâté..
NewsFox
'We tell the news the same way we like the population - straight'.
'When God needs the news, this is where he gets it'.
'NewsFox - like Al-Jazeera, but for the other side'.
NEWSANCHOR: New York officials want to stop people on low incomes using food stamps to buy fizzy drinks as part of a campaign against obesity. The alternative plan is to stop Eddie Murphy dressing up in those hilarious fat suits in the Nutty Professor movies.
NEWSANCHOR: New York officials want to stop people on low incomes using food stamps to buy fizzy drinks as part of a campaign against obesity.The health expert representing the drinks industry, a Dr Pepper, had this to say on the issue.
DR PEPPER: It's f-(BEEP)-ing bull-(BEEP). Keep drinking.
Corrections
In a special Valentine's Day report some listeners picked up on a slight misread in our story of how Prime Minister David Cameron was getting into the romantic spirit by showering wife Samantha with little teddy bears of the icon of love. The headline to the story should have read 'David Cameron's cupid stunt'. We apologise for any offence caused.
In a report last week, we referred to former Liberal Democrat MP Lembit Opik as 'a dim-witted, celebrity-obsessed sci-fi geek who was once engaged to Cheeky Girl Monica Irmia'. We apologise for this, he was actually engaged to Monica's twin sister, Gabriela.
Selected highlights from my rejects for this week - all apps, no time to write anything else. I like the confession app one, but it probably suffers from being about a week late...
SINNER:
The punishment for my last confession in the church's iPhone app was a bit steep, but luckily there was a pop-up ad inviting me to consolidate all of my past sins into one single, easy to manage sin. Thank you, Ocean Penance!
GOLF FAN:
I think it's right that Tiger Woods got fined for spitting, he's got history there, hasn't he? It's not the first time he's been in trouble for not being able to keep his bodily fluids actually in his body...
AIDE:
Nick Clegg is furious at David Cameron for bringing in that new cat to Number 10, Clegg's been scent marking his territory for months now. At the very least he should demand separate litter trays.
SCIENTIST:
So the European Space Agency are running this simulated mission to Mars to understand how being out of touch with the rest of humanity will affect their astronauts. Why don't they just ask Michael Gove what it's like?
DAVID CAMERON:
I got 10 Downing Street's new cat from Battersea Dogs and Cats Home because it was the perfect mirror for the coalition. If dogs and cats can live together in harmony, then there's no reason why Nick Clegg and myself can't do the same.
[FX: CAT SCREECHING AND SPITTING, DOG BARKING AND GROWLING]
Errr... Nick, can you turn the TV down, I'm on the phone.
I'm wondering whether to write my episode three one liners in Word, or just straight into this reply box...
Quote: 3songsnoflash @ February 20 2011, 3:05 AM GMTSINNER:
The punishment for my last confession in the church's iPhone app was a bit steep, but luckily there was a pop-up ad inviting me to consolidate all of my past sins into one single, easy to manage sin. Thank you, Ocean Penance!
I wrote this sketch ages ago, but pretty much the same thing. (Got filmed too)
Dan
Quote: swerytd @ February 22 2011, 3:38 PM GMTI wrote this sketch ages ago, but pretty much the same thing. (Got filmed too)
Dan
GODDAMMIT! I'm reading this entire website before I write anything else. 
Nice work, though, I'll have a look at the clip when I get home tonight.
This week's failures...
NEWSJACK APP
(1)(Female, Welsh accent) "Hello Newsjack - I am ringing to complain about the changes the BBC are making to Welsh language channel S4C. My husband says it's...[interrupts herself with violent prolonged phlegmy clearing of the throat] ... and I agree.
(2)Hello Newsjack. I am shocked at suggestions that the producers of The Real Hustle faked the show by using paid actors. I appeared as a victim on the show and I can say that I wasn't paid a penny...Should I phone Watchdog?
(3)I don't know why the Teletubbies' garden is so popular all of a sudden but all my mates say they can't get enough of big fat Dipsy weeding.
OTHER ONE-LINERS
(4)This week saw coverage of two Chinese men dressing up in panda suits and releasing a baby panda from its cage - it was a startling and spectacular way to open London Fashion Week.
(5)Staying with fashion, Victoria Beckham was quoted as saying "Kate Middleton wants to wear my clothes" - but then she's also said the same of husband David.
(6)Former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has made a documentary about pornography users - another example of a politician opting to spend more time with their family.
(7)The government has caused controversy by its plans to introduce a reading test for six year olds which will contain a number of nonsense and made up words - like "zort", "grint", "pronk" and "ploob". A spokesman for the Department of Education defended the test saying "Blud. Not being funny or nuffink, but dere is kids an that from me hood that don't even know reading and stuff, innit".
CORRECTIONS
(8)Listeners in Wales have complained that our feature on the demonstrations surrounding the changes to the BBC's Welsh Channel, S4C, contained offensive and inappropriate language. Newsjack would like to say, well you started it.
(9)Newsjack would like to apologise for our feature on former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith's husband in which we said that he sat around the house watching porn and nothing but. We have since learned that some of the films in question did indeed feature bottoms.
AND FINALLY
(10)You've been listening to the Archive Hour and an episode of Newsjack first broadcast on 24 February in the year of our Lord Justin Beiber.
Had high hopes for my panda gag. Another long list of contributors this week - maybe the one-liner market is saturated?
Quote: Big Jack @ February 24 2011, 7:25 PM GMTThis week's failures...
NEWSJACK APP
(1)(Female, Welsh accent) "Hello Newsjack - I am ringing to complain about the changes the BBC are making to Welsh language channel S4C. My husband says it's...[interrupts herself with violent prolonged phlegmy clearing of the throat] ... and I agree.
(6)Former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has made a documentary about pornography users - another example of a politician opting to spend more time with their family.
Best of the bunch, really.
Keep at it, though. One suggestion - just try to make all your gags much, much shorter. Here's an example from last week:
'I'm glad they've got rid of Legal Aid. It were a rubbish soft drink'
Now I'm not saying that's a great gag (in fact it's older than Brucie's hairpiece), but it's very economical. Set up. Punch line.
This weeks failed efforts. It's beginning to feel like I'm pissing in the wind. 
WIDE BOY:
Eating caviar with a golden spoon, followed by a game of twister with some accommodating prostitutes. If I was getting paid as much as Andrew Marr, that's how I'd start the week.
MIDDLE AGED WOMAN:
I saw a fire engine outside BBC television centre earlier. I wonder if people were moaning about Andrew Marr's huge salary and his ears started burning.
MAN:
The government were going to do a u-turn on council cuts, but Eric Pickles was sitting in the front seat and the brakes failed.
MAN:
Someone ought to tell Jamie Oliver that brilliant people don't always make brilliant teachers. There was a bloke at my school who was just like Sir David Starkey. Unfortunately he taught us PE.
MIDDLE AGED WOMAN:
I hear that the Monkees are about to reform. Their new single is going to be called Daycare believer.
COCKNEY:
I see Jamie Olivers got Lord Winston as a teacher on his new show. After seeing the way he behaved in that film Scum no-one is going to mess around in his class.
CORRECTIONS:
We reported last week that a man from Reading went to see the Monkeys and had excrement flung at him. We were in fact talking about a reporter from the NME, who was being very scathing about the newly reformed bands first practice session.
AND FINALLY:
And finally. This was the week that saw two new phrases enter the English language. 'Doing a Spelman' - to say something deliberately fake, and back-track on it later to give the impression you're a person who listens. And 'Pickley Heat' - the very uncomfortable rash workers get just before they get called into their bosses office.
Quote: Big Jack @ February 24 2011, 7:25 PM GMTThis week's failures...
NEWSJACK APP
(1)(Female, Welsh accent) "Hello Newsjack - I am ringing to complain about the changes the BBC are making to Welsh language channel S4C. My husband says it's...[interrupts herself with violent prolonged phlegmy clearing of the throat] ... and I agree.
Really liked this one Big Jack.
Quote: Ishy @ February 24 2011, 11:23 PM GMTMIDDLE AGED WOMAN:
I saw a fire engine outside BBC television centre earlier. I wonder if people were moaning about Andrew Marr's huge salary and his ears started burning.MAN:
Someone ought to tell Jamie Oliver that brilliant people don't always make brilliant teachers. There was a bloke at my school who was just like Sir David Starkey. Unfortunately he taught us PE.CORRECTIONS:
We reported last week that a man from Reading went to see the Monkeys and had excrement flung at him. We were in fact talking about a reporter from the NME, who was being very scathing about the newly reformed bands first practice session.
And like these Ishy but as an earlier poster said if you could make them shorter they'd be even better. But hey, what do I know, I'm still stuck on a duck for this series.
Here's my efforts that have been shunned this week:
(Although there was a very similar AV one on this week. Should I be encouraged, or just annoyed I didn't get in first?)
NEWSJACK APP
When I saw the protests in Bahrain I thought the people were in favour of the Grand Prix going ahead. F-one, F-one. Turns out they were sending a message to the crown prince.
Hello, I'm from an independent polling agency. In the upcoming referendum would you vote for or against the Alternative Vote system? (BEAT) And what would be your second choice?
So David Cameron wants to revolutionise the public sector. That could explain why so many services are facing the chop.
CORRECTIONS
Newsjack would like to apologise to Banksy for reporting earlier that he was unlikely to win an Oscar. We mis-understood when a spokesperson talking about his film said 'the writing's on the wall'.
The Large Hadron Collider is up and running again and the search for an infinitesimally small entity can continue. This is of course the Higgs-Boson particle and not, as we said before, the amount of UK corporation tax paid by Barclays.
INTRO (ABOUT A VERY OBSCURE NEWS STORY)
In Pakistan the army have paid for a TV drama series called Beyond the Call of Duty to help win over a sceptical public. And there is already talk of producing spin-off shows such as Beyond the Call of Duty: Modern Warfare and Beyond the Call of Duty: Black Ops.
Quote: Big Jack @ February 24 2011, 7:25 PM GMT(4)This week saw coverage of two Chinese men dressing up in panda suits and releasing a baby panda from its cage - it was a startling and spectacular way to open London Fashion Week.
(6)Former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has made a documentary about pornography users - another example of a politician opting to spend more time
(8)Listeners in Wales have complained that our feature on the demonstrations surrounding the changes to the BBC's Welsh Channel, S4C, contained offensive and inappropriate language. Newsjack would like to say, well you started it.
I like these
Quote: Ishy @ February 24 2011, 11:23 PM GMTCORRECTIONS:
We reported last week that a man from Reading went to see the Monkeys and had excrement flung at him. We were in fact talking about a reporter from the NME, who was being very scathing about the newly reformed bands first practice session.
Good but needs to be punchier.
Quote: StephenM @ February 25 2011, 12:52 AM GMTThe Large Hadron Collider is up and running again and the search for an infinitesimally small entity can continue. This is of course the Higgs-Boson particle and not, as we said before, the amount of UK corporation tax paid by Barclays.
Great idea but far too long.
Here are my failures:
APP:
I'm surprised the Olympic velodrome has opened so quickly. I'd heard the problems were just going round and round and round and...
APP:
If you're Scottish, Double Summertime means the sun wouldn't rise until 10am! I tell you, it's like going back to the Dark Ages!
APP:
Balloon hats have launched London Fashion Week. I always knew it was a load of hot air.
APP:
What do they mean being bad at maths should not be seen as being a 'badge of honour'? I've got to level 104 already! Oh, hang on, was it 294? 318? 6?
CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise to Wayne Rooney for our attempts to blackmail him. We admit we entirely fabricated that we had video of him performing well for England.
CORRECTION:
We stand corrected that Colonel Gaddafi has not fleed to South America. Though congratulations to the 67-year-old for beating Usain Bolt's 100-metre record, 90,000 times in a row.
AND FINALLY:
And finally, that was Newsjack from February 2011, in a week when ITV won rights to broadcast Royal Variety for next 10 years, mere days before the bloodiest revolution in history following our great alien lizard leaders arrival. All Hail King David of Icke.
Dan
Quote: swerytd @ February 25 2011, 9:56 AM GMTAPP:
What do they mean being bad at maths should not be seen as being a 'badge of honour'? I've got to level 104 already! Oh, hang on, was it 294? 318? 6?CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise to Wayne Rooney for our attempts to blackmail him. We admit we entirely fabricated that we had video of him performing well for England.Dan
Ah, nice work, I went down the poor maths = badge of honour route myself.
Haven't had a chance to listen to the show yet, but here are my rejects for this week:
MAN:
Last year she wore a dress made of meat, and this week she appeared in a great big egg. I wish Lady Gaga wouldn't keep displaying the contents of her lunchbox.
WOMAN:I can't believe that BBC3's The Real Hustle was faked, I really thought they were con-men you could trust.
ANDY GRAY:
Women in business say they're still finding the glass ceiling intact? Do me a favour, love! While they're up there though, if they wouldn't mind giving it a little polish...
YOUTH:
In my school, yeah, being bad at maths is like a badge of honour, yeah? But you gotta take care of yourself, right? We're just looking after number 17.
BBC PR:
BBC PR here, I'd just like to state once and for all that Rastamouse IS NOT racist. Some of his best friends are cats.
HEADMASTER:
I was appointed to be headmaster at a failing school, and when I took over the maths tuition was incredibly poor, but we've turned that situation round 360 degrees.
IAN McKELLEN:
Sir Ian McKellen here, myself and Sir Michael Grade have visited Bruce Forsyth to console him on not yet receiving a knighthood. It was a case of Knights to see you, to see you, Knights.
Quote: 3songsnoflash @ February 25 2011, 12:56 PM GMTIAN McKELLEN:
Sir Ian McKellen here, myself and Sir Michael Grade have visited Bruce Forsyth to console him on not yet receiving a knighthood. It was a case of Knights to see you, to see you, Knights.
Very very good.