Real life Curb moments

Who else has had an experience just like Larry has on Curb?

I had one recently, when I took my kids to the park to play. I sat a short distance away on an empty bench, to keep an eye on them. I sprawled at one end of the bench, looking back past the rest of the bench (got that?) to see my kids, and to save me getting a crick in the neck.

Then a family came to sit on the rest of the bench. That's fine, there's plenty of space, but it meant that I was looking across them all, which is a bit of an invasion of their privacy. Well, I could have left then, but I was there first, so why should I? I couldn't change position, because then I wouldn't be able to see my kids. Of course, they didn't *know* I had to sit that way, so to them, I was a weird silent guy sort-of staring not quite at them...

They continued for a bit, chatting and texting, and inevitably, looking up at me to see what the hell I was doing; and I deliberately avoided their gaze, because hey, I'm not looking at them. I could feel the tension mounting, and the father started texting, looking up at me, then looking up longer at me, so I looked back at him and he looked away, and the awkwardness just grew. Well, I could leave at any time of course, but all along, I'd sat just like I'd been at the beginning, and they were the ones creating the situation, albeit unknowingly. Eventually I got up and left, and I could hear them all behind me sighing and moaning about me.

You bench-staring-f**k!

I have those moments too often. I think that's why Curb works so well, it's so easy to identify with it and these moments.

I remember holding the sliding doors open at the bus station, and an old woman commented, "Oh, such a gentleman" and I smiled politely back. I also let a few other people through and was still smiling, and everyone one of the miserable f**kers took extreme offence to this, with sour, cold looks of hate and anger. I could smell their shit ridden pitchforks of hate getting ready to make an appearance.

F**k me! I nearly exploded with a Larry D style rant.

Rude f**kers!

I've had a few moments, like the time my child took a present of a box of chocolates into school for the teacher. She hadn't opened them but came running out to thank me, saying I shouldn't have, and then I realised we carried them to school and handed them over in a gift bag from a rather expensive cosmetics shop. I bet she was a bit disappointed when she got home. And probably more embarrassed than me.

My sister and family once went to have a look around the show houses on a very newly built estate. They went into one house, admired the kitchen and the flooring, entered the living room and saw a couple of people sitting on the sofas and asked them what they thought of it. These other people liked it very much too, it being their home. The front door had been open because the bloke was working on his car across the road.

I was once checked in to two hotels at the same time because the first one had a great big creepy crawly in my room and I was too scared to fight it.

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ August 22 2009, 12:07 PM BST

I was once checked in to two hotels at the same time because the first one had a great big creepy crawly in my room and I was too scared to fight it.

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Are you sure it wasn't a full length mirror?

Quote: Nogget @ August 22 2009, 12:25 PM BST

Are you sure it wasn't a full length mirror?

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Nah. It was your momma.

I regularly turn into Larry David when I'm met with that most awful of things -

'Can you take your shoes off before you come into the house, we don't want to ruin the cream carpet.'

I do, of course, out of courtesy, but in my mind I'm thinking 'Who the hell buys a cream carpet in London? This is a big dirty city, you want hardwood floors. I bet your wife made you buy this carpet, because no bloke wants cream carpet. It's a no smoking house as well, which means I'm inconvenienced doubley, because I'm going to have to put my shoes on and off again every time I fancy a cigarette, next time I'm staying in a hotel. Christ almighty.' Etc.

It's even more weird in America, some of my friends had homes with the Living Room you were never allowed to go into. The couches still had the plastic on them, there was no television, it had cream carpet and was laid out like it was in a furniture showroom.

Had another Curb moment when we had some people over to eat recently. The woman has a terminal condition and is understandably frail, so naturally we were considerate of this, but she hasn't got much control over her brats; so her kids started misbehaving badly at the table, sticking their fingers in all the side dishes, and then grabbing at my kids' favourite books with their grubby hands, and her not doing anything to stop them. So then I could either allow my innocent kids to suffer unfairly, which would mean I'd failed them as their protector; or intervene and risk implying that she's a crap mum, which would make me seem incredibly callous.

My friend brought his kid to my house then started moaning that the house is full of cables and a bit dangerous for kids etc. So I said, why would it be kid friendly I'm not a paedophile and I don't like kids in my house. Went down reallly well.

I worked in as an admin asst once in the Dept of Health head office, the finance director had a meeting and I was sent down to fetch the man he had the meeting with,I brought the man waiting at reception to the finance directors office and went on my way. Minutes later the bemused finance director came in to tell me that I had brought the wrong person in, neither had any idea who the other was. They had a good laugh at my expense though

Years ago there was a young girl of about 10 who always used to run over to me and pet my dog Lucy when I walked her on a field near my house. The girl lived in a house adjacent to the field and was always on the lookout for Lucy because she loves dogs.
Anyway one day this girl was stroking Lucy and chatting away when I noticed a woman standing on the edge of the field looking concerned. Immediately I knew it was her Mum and I said to the girl "Looks like your Mum's looking for you." And then a horrific thing happened - the girl asked if she could take Lucy's lead and before I could react, she'd grabbed the handle I was holding. Well my hand was looped through the handle so I coudn't break free, and for a few terrible, terrible seconds it must've looked for all the world like we were holding hands. The Mum was obviously incensed and screamed - yes, SCREAMED at her daughter to come in immediately. I beat a hasty retreat and all the way home cursed a world where a bloke couldn't even walk his f**king dog without being embroiled in a Glitter-esque paedodrama. I never went back to that particular field.

Then a few weeks later I was in Tesco and saw The Mum talking to her friend. She recognized me too, whispered something to her friend and actually pointed me out. She had this evil, accusatory look in her eyes and I was so reminded of this:

So now TWO women on my estate think I'm a kiddyfiddler. I suppose in tat situation Larry would've confronted her but I believe I just scuttled out of the shop, probably confirming my filthy guilt in The Mum's mind.

Bloody dogs. It'd never have happened if I had a goldfish.

Then there was the time when I was out walking the dog and an old guy walked straight past me loading a gun. Yes, a gun. It looked like one of those old-fashioned flintlock things and he was putting a black ball in the chamber. I stopped and watched him, agog, as he ambled up the Lane towards Tesco. What was he going to do? Was he off to the wooded area to kill himself? He did look pretty miserable. Or perhaps he was preparing for a murderous, "Falling Down"-style rampage after visitng the bakery and discovering they had none of his favourite Chelsea Buns left.

Anyway I called the police and told them what I'd seen. A couple of hours later they called back and I felt a rush of civic pride as the officer began telling me they'd sent a response unit to the area and found the man in question sat inside the cafe at Tesco. However my pride soon turned to shame when the copper told me it wasn't a gun at all. It was a carved walking stick. There was a hollow in the end where the old man kept sweeties which was obviously the "bullet" I saw him loading.
So this poor old man was sat having a cuppa in Tesco, and because of me, found himself suddenly surrounded by several armed policemen shouting "Freeze, and drop the piece motherf**ker!".

Oh I feel for you on that one Lee. I had a similar experience.

I was stood in a bakers waiting to be served. It was quite full and next to me was a woman with a beautiful little boy about 2 years old.

He was looking up at me all the time and smiling and I smiled back.
And his smiles got bigger, he really was a charming little chap.
So I bent over and gently poked him in the ribs and did a little chuckle to him.

Immediately his mother pulled him to her other side and glared at me.

The 10 minutes it took for me to get a sandwich lasted 7 hours.

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ February 23 2011, 12:38 PM GMT

a beautiful little boy about 2 years old/..../ I bent over and gently poked him in the ribs

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Of course in these days of 'child molesters rule' I shouldn't have done it. And that saddens me that the sicko's win. I have grand children so I am used to playing with them.
It was an innocent moment while his mother was stood right at the side of him.
Now, I shall never even look at a child again. Too sad.

I blame the Daily Mail.

I was in a shopping mall with my wife when we saw a little kid of about six or seven obviously lost and looking around in a panic as a prelude to going off on one. And as usual people were walking by and ignoring the little chap, doubtless "not wanting to get involved". We looked at each other and wondered if he was in fact lost. We stood back for twenty seconds or so keeping an eye on him to make sure that he was actually lost. Yep no doubt about it he was lost all right.

So we went over to him and my wife bent down and took him by the hand and asked him his name, if he was lost, who he was meant to be with and what they looked like. Within about five seconds junior's mother turned up. She'd been in Curry's and either he didn't see her go in or he'd legged it out of there without her seeing him go. She saw us talking to him and came over with a face like thunder, grabbed him and marched him away.

Needless to say she never thanked us for the concern we showed over her son's welfare.

Hmmm, The Big Society alive and well in the South of England.