POSTED THIS IN THE WRONG FORUM, Some admin please move it to the criticism one.
I know it's not really writing, but it's kind of writing given that you write a skelleton outline of some of the jokes you will be using, any tips very much welcome.
I suppose I’ll start by sharing with you something I found out recently,
You know how some women have writing on their T-Shirts.
Across the breast area.
You’re allowed to read that right?
Yeah, you’re allowed to read that.
I found out recently that rule doesn’t apply when it’s in Brail.
I am glad you laughed at that because otherwise I just look like a pervert
Whereas Now, I look like an amusing pervert, which somehow seems a whole lot better.
Now, does anyone here hate cold callers?
Shit, I used to be one.
To be honest even as a caller you prefer the people who just tell you to f**k off, you dial them, hello, F**k off, excellent, Next!
Theres nothing worse than getting someone who’s interested, “what you mean you ARE interested in expanding your telecommunications solutions, you f**king loser, are you sure it’s just I have got another 40 of these to get through before lunch”
The best people though were the ones that had fun with you, I remember one guy said he was interested but could I phone him on the other line, so he gave me this other number and fool that I was I dialled it.
Turnout out to be a phone sex line.
It’s very difficult to explain to your boss quite why that came up on the list of people you called recently.
It’s even more difficult to explain why you stayed on the line for 10 minutes.
And you’d better just hope he doesn’t notice the stains on the desk.
I used to think that guy was a legendm until I realized that in order for him to be able to do that he must have known the number for sex chat off by heart, suddenly my respect for him wasn’t so high.
Now, before I move on to another topic, some advice.
If a woman asks you “do I look fat in this”
Whatever you do don’t reply “what do you mean ‘in this’” or at least if you do reply with that make sure she isn’t between you and the nearest exit.
Don’t you think that Romeo was a complete bastad?
Juliette you are the sun to me.
What? Massive and mostly composed of Gas?
I can’t bear to look directly at you without the use of a pinhole camera?
I think it would be better for all of us if you were billions of miles away, and on fire.
I wonder if Juliette replied, your love making is like a red red rose.
I grasp for a mighty stalk but just end up recieving a tiny prick.
Another good one is, shall I compare thee to a British Summer, you don’t come oftern enough and it’s always a disappointment when you do.
Ok, some more advice. When talking to religious people don’t ask whether the fact that God is everywhere means that he’s up his own arse.
Do Yorkie Still have that Slogan, “it’s not for girls”?
It’s good to know that causal sexist is acceptable as long as it’s being used to advertise chocolate.
You wouldn’t get away with “kit-kat, it’s not for muslims”
Twirl “it’s not for paraplegics”, the chocolate bar, or the maneauver.
Don’t you just hate it when absurd stereotypes turn out to be true.
I mean I quite like a good game of chess, so I though in my first year of uni, yeah I’ll join the chess club, it’s not going to be full of geeks.
Within 5 minutes of joining I’d been involved in no less than 3 conversations about Buffy the vampire slayer.
Within 10 minutes half of them had f**ked off to play dungeons and dragons.
And within 20 minutes I swear this is true, the other two were bollocks but I swear this bit is true, I overheard a sentence in Klingon.
I know it was Klingon because I recognized it from my book Power Klingon for Business. Oh come on I defy anyone to walk past a book with a title like that and not buy it for a laugh.
Have we got any vegetarians in. the audience, just raise your hand if you’re a vegetarian.
Hmmm, there probably are a few more vegetarians than that, it’s just that some of you, can no longer physically muster the strength to actually raise your hand.
You’re sitting there going.
Must…Express…..pointless…pseudo ethical convictions.
It’s no use Tarquin, I just can’t do it.
Don’t worry Moonbeam, we’ll go back home and ignore this nastly man and have some lovely Falaffel.