Brief Synopsis
Third wheel is a sitcom, revolving around relationships, misadventures and mishaps of three close friends in their late twenties. Steve Swindle, Lisa Smith and Haroon Qureshi (Harry) who became friends after being bullied by the same fat girl.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - AFTERNOON
LISA (LATE 20S) IS SITTING AT THE TABLE. STEVE (LATE 20S) ENTERS.
LISA
Hey.
STEVE
Hey, Where's Harry?
LISA
He's meeting some guy in Queens park, who's selling Lez Zeppelin tickets. He should be on his way.
STEVE
Oh he's got the tickets. That's great, it means we can all go.
LISA
Well actually, he could only get two tickets.
STEVE
what two tickets? But we need three.
LISA
Yeah.
STEVE
That means only me and Harry can go. So what are you going to do?
LISA
What do you mean only you and Harry?
STEVE
You know what you take the other ticket.
LISA
Are you sure?
STEVE
Yeah. Yeah I'll just stay in my room. All alone and I'll just read Catcher in the Rye again. I mean I've only read it like 3 times.
LISA
What's that about?
STEVE
Its about a kid who has a lousy childhood. It captures the essence of the eternal experience of alienation.
LISA
You know what, you take the other ticket.
STEVE
Okay.
LISA
Okay? Is that all your gonna say?
STEVE
Yeah, thanks.
HARRY (LATE 20S, SMARTLY DRESSED) ENTERS
HARRY
Hey
STEVE
So did you get the tickets?
HARRY
Nope I didn't get them.
LISA
What, you didn't get the tickets?
HARRY
What do you mean you didn't get the tickets? Was he asking for too much.
HARRY
Well not really, I mean I offered him hundred bucks and he counter-offered me fifty bucks.
STEVE
Wait, he wanted less for the tickets and you still didn't take them.
HARRY
Well actually, he thought I was selling them.
LISA
So let me get this right. You went all the way to Queens park, to meet up with some stranger, who wasn't selling Lez Zeppelin tickets.
HARRY
Yeah, it was just a misunderstanding.
LISA
A misunderstanding? Did you not read the advert properly?
HARRY
It just said "got spare Lez Zeppelin tickets, give Tony a call".
STEVE'S PHONE RINGS.
STEVE
(LOOKS AT HIS PHONE)
That's it. I've had it. I'm breaking up with Greg.
(HANGS UP)
HARRY AND LISA GLANCE AT STEVE.
LISA
When did you come out of the closet?
HARRY
I should have figured that out a long time ago. I mean back in school your were a bit of a peeping tom in the showers.
STEVE
No I wasn't!
HARRY
Relax, it's just natural, there's nothing to be ashamed of, most men at some point suffer from some form of homosexual tendencies.
STEVE
Well, Have you ever... you know?
HARRY
I said most men.
LISA
You know, I always wanted a gay friend.
STEVE
I'm not gay!
HARRY
We're here to support you.
LISA
So who's Greg anyway?
STEVE
He's this new guy at work.
LISA
What did he do?
STEVE
He's just really creepy. I mean at work, he just follows me everywhere I go, like a lost puppy. And yesterday he bought me this shirt. That's just wrong, guys don't buy each other gifts.
LISA
Then why are your wearing it?
STEVE
Its a good shirt. Real comfy.
HARRY
What we have here is a hanger-oner
STEVE
a hanger-oner?
HARRY
Yeah, I had one of these back in high school, The kid who just would not leave
you alone.
STEVE
Hey I don't remember that kid. I mean I was with you practically the whole time at school.
HARRY
No shit.
LISA
So what did you do?
HARRY
Lets just say he grew on me
(TO STEVE)
But its not too late for you.
STEVE
So what do I do?
HARRY
First of all you need to come out of the closet.
STEVE
What do you mean come out of the closet?
HARRY
Never mind. You need to take control, treat it like a relationship.
STEVE
A relationship?
HARRY
Yeah, just tell him, "you don't think you're right for each other and you want to see other men.
STEVE
Yeah, that's brilliant. Wait what do you mean by other men?
HARRY
I mean other people.
STEVE
Hey, wait a minute, I've got a better idea.
(TO LISA)
Maybe you could do it for me.
LISA
What? I don't even know him.
STEVE
Exactly, that way you won't feel bad, because you don't know him.
LISA
I'm not doing it.
STEVE
Well I don't want to hurt his feelings.
LISA
What makes you think, that I want to hurt his feelings?
STEVE
Statically speaking women are more vindictive than men.
HARRY
Yeah, your right there.
LISA
What do you mean by women are more vindictive?
STEVE
I read it in Cosmopolitan the other day.
LISA
So it was you who took my mag?
STEVE
I like to read when I go the loo.
LISA
Did you notice that, some of the pages where a bit sticky.
HARRY LOOKS AT STEVE. STEVE AWKWARDLY PICKS UP THE MENU.
STEVE
Hey, look there's free fries with a burger. You just can't afford not to miss
out on that deal.
GREG (MID 30S) ENTERS, WEARING THE SAME SHIRT AS STEVE
LISA
(TO STEVE)
Look there's a guy wearing the same shirt as you.
STEVE
What?
(LOOKS OVER)
Shit, that's Greg. What am I going to do? Right I'm off to the gents. Let me know when he goes.
STEVE GETS UP.
HARRY
(SHOUTS)
Greg.
Greg spots Steve, waves and comes over.
STEVE
Oh hey Greg.
GREG
Hey, dude you're wearing the shirt. High Five.
Steve reluctantly raises his hand and high fives.
GREG
What you doing here?
STEVE
I just came to get a coffee.
GREG
Wow, that's why I'm here. Your not leaving are you?
STEVE
I was on my way to the toilets.
GREG
Dude you and I are in sync that's where I'm heading. I'll walk you there. I have something to show you.
HARRY
(UNDER HIS BREATH)
Well what do you know?
STEVE
Oh wait, false alarm.
STEVE TAKES A SEAT.
GREG
I'll just hold it in.
GREG TAKES A SEAT.
GREG
Dude I was trying to phone you all day.
STEVE
Oh yeah I-I had lost my phone.
STEVE'S PHONE RINGS. HARRY SMILES AS HE PUTS HIS PHONE AWAY.
GREG
I thought you lost your phone.
STEVE
Oh look I found it.
GREG
Guess who got two tickets to Lez Zeppelin, huh? Huh?
STEVE
You got Lez Zeppelin tickets.
GREG
Yeah, front seats, so what do you say? Huh? Huh?
LISA
Oh my God I can't believe you've got, Lez Zeppelin tickets.
HARRY
Your awesome take me please.
LISA
No take me.
GREG
(LOOKS AT HARRY AND LISA)
Who are you?
LISA
We're his friends.
HARRY
His "real" friends.
GREG
What's going on, Steve?
LISA
Steve has something to tell you?
HARRY
Yeah tell him, Steve.
STEVE
We need to talk.
GREG
Are you breaking up with me?
STEVE
I don't think this er.... Whats the word I'm looking for?
HARRY
Relationship.
STEVE
No Friendship! Is working out.
GREG
I'm not sure what you mean.
STEVE
I don't think we should see each other anymore.
GREG
What did I do?
STEVE
Nothing, look your a great guy, but we're just two different people.
GREG
(TAKES HIS TOUPEE OFF)
Is it because I wear a toupee.
STEVE
Seriously I never knew you had a toupee.
GREG
I want to know what I did.
LISA
Look! Your just a creepy person, no one likes you!
A BEAT. THEY ALL LOOK AT LISA.
GREG
That was uncalled for. Your just a mean person.
GREG GETS UP.
GREG
(TO STEVE)
You know what, I want the shirt back.
STEVE
Fine, I'll bring it to work tomorrow.
GREG
No, I want it now!
STEVE
But...
GREG
(INTERRUPTS)
Now! Now!
STEVE
But I'm not wearing anything underneath.
GREG
Yeah, well you should have thought about that before.
STEVE
Look, could I just...
GREG
(INTERRUPTS)
Now!
STEVE RELUCTANTLY TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF AND HANDS IT OVER.
STEVE
Wait, I'll buy it off you.
GREG
Fine £60.
Steve takes out some change from his pocket.
STEVE
I've only got six pounds and thirty seven pence.
(LOOKS AT LISA AND HARRY)
LISA
Here, I've got twenty quid
STEVE
Harry?
HARRY
(TAKES OUT HIS WALLET)
I'll give 100 BUCKS for the tickets.
GREG
(HANDS OVER THE TICKETS)
Deal.
GREG EXITS WITH THE SHIRT.
STEVE
I just can't believe you did that.
LISA
I can't believe you Harry, you got the tickets. I guess it'll be me and you.
HARRY LOOKS OVER AT AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN SITTING ALONE.
STEVE
Hang on, I thought we agreed.
HARRY GETS UP AND APPROACHES THE ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.
LISA
Like you said women are vindictive.
STEVE
Why don't we let Harry decide.
LISA
Fine.
STEVE
So Harry?
LISA
Where did Harry go?
HARRY IS CASUALLY CHATTING WITH THE WOMAN AND SHOWING HER THE TICKETS.
HARRY SALUTES LISA AND STEVE AND EXITS WITH THE WOMAN.
LISA
That slut has taken my ticket.
STEVE
That's my evening ruined.
LISA
Yeah, well you can just read your book again.
END OF EPISODE
