NewsJack oneliner rejects - series 4 Page 4

Mine APP - The Egyptian military said they would defend the status quo, but how can anyone defend a band with lyrics like 'Down ,down diggurum down'

Correction - We would like to apologise to Ethel of Woodford Green for any confusion caused, as far as we are aware there are no plans for David Cameron to star in a remake of the classic film 'High Society'

Did another couple and an interview as well

Quote: Will Cam @ February 17 2011, 8:06 PM GMT

Here is Episode 2 shite

Fox News Stings

V/ONewsFox: Who are you going to believe, the news or your own eyes.

V/ONewsFox: Insular gripes, in stars and stripes.

V/ONewsFox: Frankly my dear, we don't give a damn

Corrections

Miles
Last week we incorrectly reported that the M and S from Microsoft and the N,O,K and A from Nokia would be used to create a new brand name for their recently announced mobile phone partnership. We now accept that the new brand will not be called Mmmmm Knockers.

Voice Messages

Nigerian
Hello Mr Newsjack. You are my acquaintance. We meet at the conference. My uncle still has 18.6 million dollars to put in your bank account.Ring me soon.

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Great

Quote: Will Cam @ February 17 2011, 8:06 PM GMT

Here is Episode 2 shite

Fox News Stings

V/ONewsFox: Who are you going to believe, the news or your own eyes.

Cockney
I think it's a good idea putting Larry the cat into number 10. It'll make a change having someone in there who only licks his own arse.

Nigerian
Hello Mr Newsjack. You are my acquaintance. We meet at the conference. My uncle still has 18.6 million dollars to put in your bank account.Ring me soon.

View original

Liked these a lot.

Here are mine (meant for introduction):

"The partners of Belgian politicians are being urged to withhold sex until a government is formed. Many people are calling for sex strikes to be introduced to British politics, with Michael Gove's wife thought to be particularly keen on the idea."

"On Monday, after eight months of simulated space flight, a crew of six men landed on Mars...which turns out to be a giant sand pit in Moscow. This is all part of a 16-month experiment to assess the psychological effects of long-distance space travel. Sounds a little bit like the experiment that the Conservatives have been running since last May, when they took 57 MPs from another political party and got them to pretend to be in government. Apparently it's to assess the psychological effects of losing your soul."

"Physicists at Birmingham University have made a paperclip invisible, by placing it in the gap between two crystal prisms. Calcite crystals are naturally formed and can be up to 23ft in length: just enough room for the Top Gear team...or three Piers Morgans."

"Japan is still reeling in the wake of the sumo wrestling match-fixing scandal. We were thinking of doing a very funny skit about the 2,000 year-old national sport of Japan in which we would ingeniously compare the wrestlers to over-sized babies in nappies, but we decided that that type of edgy racial humour is best left to more skilled comedians...such as Top Gear presenters."

[quote name="Tom Boy" post="729200" date="February 17 2011, 9:16 PM GMT"]

"The partners of Belgian politicians are being urged to withhold sex until a government is formed. Many people are calling for sex strikes to be introduced to British politics, with Michael Gove's wife thought to be particularly keen on the idea."

"On Monday, after eight months of simulated space flight, a crew of six men landed on Mars...which turns out to be a giant sand pit in Moscow. This is all part of a 16-month experiment to assess the psychological effects of long-distance space travel. Sounds a little bit like the experiment that the Conservatives have been running since last May, when they took 57 MPs from another political party and got them to pretend to be in government. Apparently it's to assess the psychological effects of losing your soul."

Very good

Collated this weeks and last weeks cos I feel inadequate with one week's meagre offerings:-

APPS:

I feel sorry for the Shadow Chancellor. Everything he says
is followed by an automatic criticism. Look at his latest headline :- "Labour united on budget deficit - Balls".

I joined a mass protest against the closing of libraries, but it didn't
go very well. Whenever anyone shouted - "What do we want???" a hundred librarians turned round and went "Shhhhh!"

Aye - I was there in Gateshead when Ed Miliband said he wouldn't make any false promises. Shortest speech by a politician ever.

A poll found that California is the most miserable state in America? That explains why when I visited everyone had tears in their eyes. At the time I thought their surgery was leaking.

The Swiss people have chosen to retain their relaxed gun laws? That's like the Coalition government retaining Lib-Dem policies - it's not like they're ever going to use them.

I was horrified when I learned if you took all the electronically-stored information in the world and put it into books it'd cover China 13 times over. For the sake of the planet we need to switch to Times New Roman while we still can!

CORRECTIONS

Newsjack would like to apologise for remarks made after an MOD tank overturned on the A1 last week. With hindsight we realise it was unhelpful to suggest that all the Taliban need to bring down a British armoured vehicle is a couple of pensioners on a tandem signalling a bit late.

Newsjack is astonished to find itself in the position of apologising to Jeremy Clarkson, after criticising an apparently racist memo sent by the presenter. We have since received assurances from Top Gear that the memo wasn't intended as another derogatory comment about Mexicans - as it happens a Porsche Clarkson was to be driving in the show had been hired, and 'Remember the Alamo' was intended as a reminder to collect it from the dealer.

NEWSFOX:

Reports from the UK indicate that 10% of people there weigh
20-25 stone. More later on this epidemic of dangerously underweight Brits.

Newsfox - News that shoots 'em all and lets God sort 'em out.

With Egypt alight, Newsfox asks 'Why does Pharaoh do
nothing?' (BEAT) Breaking news! Apparently Egypt hasn't had a Pharaoh in over 2000 years. The last one was a woman called Cleo-something. Just goes to show the lack of a strong male leader's an open invitation to the Islamists.

Newsfox - News for guys called Bubba.

Newsjack App:

I can't believe how expensive Valentine's day is now, after buying a card, a dozen red roses and a big teddy bear with the words 'Love Forever' on its tummy, I hardly had any money left to buy something for the wife

If people power, determination and passion can remove the leader of a country, could we use similar tactics to get rid of Westlife?

News:

Kerry Katona announced this week that she had to have counselling after the criticism she received from Dancing on Ice judge Jason Gardiner, although to be fair, she also had to have counselling after she broke a toenail, ran out of Salad Cream and when her fingers went wrinkly after staying in the bath for too long.

Fairly sure these are my rejects:

NEWSJACK APP
(1)Hello Miles. We were just phoning to say you're sacked. (Pause) And we've lost your email address.

(2)Hi NewsJack - I'm squatting in Guy Ritchie's house. Hold on while I flush....

(3)I heard today that a supermarket is going to start selling used cars - don't they already sell bangers? [shoot me now]

CORRECTIONS
(4)We would like to apologise for our Valentine's Day message. Lawyers acting for A Young Man have asked us to state that he did not do the things we attributed to him, and that he does not even come from Nantucket.

NEWSFOX
(5)"NewsFox - Telling you how it is - and how it should be."

ONE-LINERS
(6)Russian cosmonauts, who have spent 8 months pretending they were on a voyage to Mars, have finally "touched down" at their destination. They are the first to stage a fantasy trip to Mars since Iggy Pop spent a weekend there in 1967.

(7)This week has seen an increase in banned protests - Iranians have been told to return to their homes, Algerians have been placed under curfew and the Irish have risen in arms over the decision to let Jedward represent them at the Eurovision Song Contest.

(8)Scientists in Warwick have announced that they have discovered that not sleeping is probably bad for the health. In related studies, they have announced that the Pope is most likely Catholic and that Yogi, Gentle Ben and Paddington all have unconventional toilet habits. Not to mention Pooh.
Continued...

(9)A Malaysian man who was attacked by a tiger has been rescued by his wife, brandishing nothing more than a cheap wooden soup ladle as a weapon. The Ministry of Defence have since placed an order for 15,000 wooden soup ladles.

(10)There was a pleasant surprise for Richard Keys when he returned to the Sky Sports offices to clear out his desk. His former colleagues had had a collection and Charlotte Jackson presented him with an ornate wine decanter made from toughened glass. There's no way he could smash it.

(11)The secret blend of ingredients which gives Coca-Cola its distinctive flavour has accidentally been leaked on the internet. For best results, add vodka. And rohipnol.

AND FINALLY
(12)You've been listening to Newsjack, first broadcast in February 2011, just one month before George Osborne was finally found out.

(14)February 2011 was the first time that the superhero Captain Awesome was seen on the streets of London. Early excitement over his sudden appearance and promise of righting wrongs soon abated when his secret identity was revealed to be Nick Clegg and it became apparent that he had no real powers at all.

(15)This was the week when the then Prince Harry began planning the royal stag night, thereby setting in motion the shocking chain of events which over the course of 24 fateful hours would see him become King.

(16)February 2011 was the final time the term "Big Society" was used. No one knows today what was meant by "Big Society" - which is another way in which the world has not changed.

Also sent in two sketches that weren't all that. One about a banker explaining his bonus (no real gags though) - and one about the polite robber (turns out it's Hugh Grant - hilarious).

Quote: Big Jack @ February 17 2011, 9:30 PM GMT

Fairly sure these are my rejects:

NEWSJACK APP
(1)Hello Miles. We were just phoning to say you're sacked. (Pause) And we've lost your email address.

CORRECTIONS
(4)We would like to apologise for our Valentine's Day message. Lawyers acting for A Young Man have asked us to state that he did not do the things we attributed to him, and that he does not even come from Nantucket.

(15)This was the week when the then Prince Harry began planning the royal stag night, thereby setting in motion the shocking chain of events which over the course of 24 fateful hours would see him become King

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Great stuff, especially Harry gag.

Quote: Frantically @ February 17 2011, 9:18 PM GMT

Newsfox - News that shoots 'em all and lets God sort 'em out.

View original

Didn't they use a similar one in week one? Or did I dream it?

Really like the Bubba one too.

Quote: Big Jack @ February 17 2011, 9:30 PM GMT

Fairly sure these are my rejects:

(2)Hi NewsJack - I'm squatting in Guy Ritchie's house. Hold on while I flush....

(15)This was the week when the then Prince Harry began planning the royal stag night, thereby setting in motion the shocking chain of events which over the course of 24 fateful hours would see him become King.

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These. Actually the Harry one made me LOL. Consider yourself very unlucky they didn't got for that one - it's a corker.

What a week it's been for news. President Murbarak forced to stand down in Egypt, popular uprisings on the streets of Iran, Berlusconi indicted to stand trial in Italy, and in the UK we've been rocked by the news that 10 Downing Street are to get a new cat... And Steps are set to reform.

Correction:

We'd like to clear up any misunderstanding an Italian listener has had after tuning in to the end of our report on the new Downing Street cat. We were in no way making reference to Silvio Berlusconi, when we pondered if the Prime Minister's love of the pussy would interfere with his professional responsibilities.

Newsfox - News that hates the world because it can't maintain erections.

Quote: RJ @ February 17 2011, 9:43 PM GMT

Actually the Harry one made me LOL. Consider yourself very unlucky they didn't got for that one - it's a corker.

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Ah. That was the one they used.

I thought they'd use:

"This was the week that, following a monumental blunder over his real age, Larry the Siberian Tiger was introduced to 10 Downing Street. "

But they didn't.

Probably best not to post stuff until you're absolutely sure it hasn't been used - could lead to all sorts of awkwardness.

Anyway - congrats!

Quote: RJ @ February 17 2011, 11:03 PM GMT

Probably best not to post stuff until you're absolutely sure it hasn't been used - could lead to all sorts of awkwardness.

View original

Good point! I read the Harry one on here earlier and thought - are you *sure* that isn't being used?

Having said that, Tony Cowards' gag that they used this week is from his "last week" pile! And a fine gag it is too.

Indeed.

No one post anything until at least five years after the series ends then!

Congrats, Tony!

Quote: Will Cam @ February 17 2011, 8:06 PM GMT

Cockney
I think it's a good idea putting Larry the cat into number 10. It'll make a change having someone in there who only licks his own arse.

Nigerian
Hello Mr Newsjack. You are my acquaintance. We meet at the conference. My uncle still has 18.6 million dollars to put in your bank account.Ring me soon.

View original

Like these.

Quote: Big Jack @ February 17 2011, 9:30 PM GMT

(15)This was the week when the then Prince Harry began planning the royal stag night, thereby setting in motion the shocking chain of events which over the course of 24 fateful hours would see him become King.

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They used this, and rightly so

Here are my failures:

APP:
I'm heard erectile dysfunction can be cured by eating pistachios. I always knew it was something to do with nuts.

APP:
24-hour wedding chapels in Blackpool? Awesome! It's always been my dream to get married by The King... Syd Little.

APP:
I heard the world's total data storage amounts to 295 Exabytes. If we discount media coverage of Jordan's divorces, will that be reduced to a single... byte?

APP:
(DRUNK) Make the drunksh pay for A&E billsh!? Too (HIC) right! They're a drain on shobriety! (FALLS OVER ON MEDICAL TRAY. BEEP BEEP OF HEART MONITOR)

APP:
Hello? Is that the paramedics? I've heard simply looking at the affected area can reduce pain... Aaaargh! It's a (BLEEP)-ing great knife! Aaaaaarrrghhhh! Jeeeee-sus!

CORRECTION:
We'd like to correct the story that Ronnie O'Sullivan crashed his 150 grand Mercedes last week. It was in fact only a 1-4-7.

CORRECTION:
Newsjack would like to apologise for reporting that a witch doctor chicken-battering cured Scott Mills of being gay. We, of course, meant 'being a vegetarian'.

AND FINALLY:
That was Newsjack from February 2011, when Twitter became worth more than high-street giant Marks & Spencer's. Remember that? When there were a choice of shops in the high street and different websites to visit? You're listening to Tesco Radio 4 Xtra...

Dan

Agree Will Cam wuz robbed.

(GEORDIE) Me old fella loves the geegees, and he comes out with these funny sayin's about 'em all the time. Like, if you're trying to put somethin' right but it's too late, he'll say: "you're cutting the cable po'er after the horse has jolted".