outback

Outback.

SCENE.1. EXT. DAY. AUSTRALIAN OUTBACK.

TWO MIDDLE AGED MEN ARE SITTING ON A LOG BY AN OUTBACK RIVER THEY ARE STEVE ERWIN, CROCODILE DUNDEE TYPES.

AUSSIE 1. Luvely day, mate.

AUSSIE 2. Beauty.

THEY SIT IN COMFORTABLE SILENCE FOR A FEW MOMENTS. THEY NOTICE A CANOEIST PASSING. CANOEIST REMAINS OUT OF SHOT.

AUSSIE. 1. G’day, mate.

CANOEIST. (faintly as he’s passing) Morning.

AUSSIE 2. Holiday?

CANOEIST. (faintly, with sound of paddling) I’m raising money for charity, I’m canoeing on every body of water in the world. This is the first one.

AUSSIE 1. Good luck, cobber.

THEY WAVE TO HIM.

AUSSIE 2 (to Aussie 1) D’ya think he knows about the crocs?

AUSSIE 1. Dunno, mate. But I think that we’re just about to find out.

THERE IS A SPLASHING SOUND AND A FAINT CRY FOR HELP.

AUSSIE 1. That’s gotta sting.

AUSSIE 2. He won’t be raising much money paddling without any arms. PAUSE. Or legs ..

AUSSIE 1. Or head.

AUSSIE 2. Look at that, bits everywhere.

AUSSIE 1. They’re messy bastards, those crocs.

AUSSIE 2. (shouting) Ya messy bastard, why don’t you clear up after yourself? That plastic canoe won’t bio degrade for hundreds of years. What about the environment?
Recycle your packaging ya lazy bastard.

CROC. (out of shot) Sorry.

Class, but the line:

Ya messy bastard, why don’t you clear up after yourself?

I'd change to

Ya messy bastards, why don’t you clear up after yourselves?

That way the reader is clear that you're not referring to the singular man but the plural crocodiles. Which was my first interpretation of the line before the context explained later.

Thanks for that. I did think that it could be read that way and couldn't think how to say it without banging everyone over the head with it.
Simple, yet the answer. Ta.
Glad that you liked it.

That's my favourite of your work that I've just read. My favourite bit was the ending, as it should be, about the canoe not bio degrading.

AUSSIE 2 (to Aussie 1) D’ya think he knows about the crocs?

AUSSIE 1. Dunno, mate. But I think that we’re just about to find out.

I wonder if there's a need for Aussie 1 to say 'were just about to find out'; if Aussie 2 asks the question and then we hear the sounds, I think perhaps the impact will be stronger than if you get the delay (whilst Aussie 1 is talking). Maybe...

Now I can put that cheque book away

Quote: Jeremy Smith @ December 13, 2007, 6:19 PM

That's my favourite of your work that I've just read. My favourite bit was the ending, as it should be, about the canoe not bio degrading.

AUSSIE 2 (to Aussie 1) D’ya think he knows about the crocs?

AUSSIE 1. Dunno, mate. But I think that we’re just about to find out.

I wonder if there's a need for Aussie 1 to say 'were just about to find out'; if Aussie 2 asks the question and then we hear the sounds, I think perhaps the impact will be stronger than if you get the delay (whilst Aussie 1 is talking). Maybe...

Now I can put that cheque book away

View original

I'm all heart, me! Go on then

Being pedantic, crocs don't tear their victims apart, they take them whole to the bank to rot before eating them. Perhaps that could be written in...i.e. leave their rubbish lying around

Quote: bushbaby @ December 13, 2007, 7:49 PM

Being pedantic, crocs don't tear their victims apart, they take them whole to the bank to rot before eating them. Perhaps that could be written in...i.e. leave their rubbish lying around

View original

It might not have the same effect...

Aussie 1: Oh no, the crocodile has taken him to the bank to leave him to rot!

Isn't quite as effective as...

Aussie 1: Dear god! I can't believe it! He's just ripped him in half!

It's perhaps better using a shark then in the ocean

Hope you guys don't mind if I chip in but the mess isn't meant to be the body but the plastic packaging (his little boat) and it's all a chip at recycling

Oh yes