NewsJack oneliner rejects - series 4 Page 3

CORRECTION:

We'd like to apologise for an error made in last week's show about the recent World Economic Forum in Davos.
Davos is actually a municipality in Switzerland and not as first thought the evil leader of the Daleks.

MESSAGE THINGIES:

I think the best career for Andy Coulson would be telesales. That way, he'd have no choice but to tell customers that calls may be recorded.

I hear Chris de Burgh is to auction off his collection of fine wines.
He only bought them in the first place to keep his lady in red.

I'm yet to receive an email from somebody with the footnote "Sent from my iPad."
Clearly, I have no friends who are complete tossers.

News Foxes

News fox - More right wing than Donald Rumsfeld playing wide right for Neo-Con FC.

News fox - Because only the far right can be this far wrong

News fox - It has nothing to do with foxes and isn't really news.

News fox - Where fact meets fiction, hits it over the head and takes it's identity.

News fox - Where opinions count as fact.

News fox - Because someone has to stir up intolerance and prejudice.

News fox - All the news, all the foxiness.

News fox - Because in America we don't have the Daily Mail.

News fox - Bringing out the Jeremy Clarkson in you.

News fox - Smashing Political Correctness into tiny pieces with our hammer of righteousness

News fox - Our motto is "Kill them all and let God sort it out".

News fox - Supporting our boys and girls overseas as long as they're not Goddamn homosexuals.

News fox - We're the channel that considers the NRA a bit too liberal.

New fox - Where we don't just want the right to bear arms but also the right to arm bears.

News fox - The channel that doesn't think the 2nd Amendment goes far enough, we say if folks want rocket launchers to protect their homes then let them have it.

Corrections

Corrections - When the Pakistani cricket team toured England our report said that "they'll give us a run for our money", this was a turn of phrase and not meant as an actual accusation.

Corrections - Last week during a report on the financial mess they've got us in, we said that the newspaper of choice for bankers was called "Theft", we did, of course, mean "The FT".

Corrections - During our report on Nick Griffin we suggested that he was upset when he was pelted with eggs, he has asked to point out that he was only enraged because the protestors hadn't separated the whites.

Apps/Vox Pops/Whatevers

I'm not sure I agree with the concept of assisted suicide but if Jeremy Clarkson is up for it I'm only too willing to help.

To celebrate my wedding, my best man has arranged for me to dress as a racing driver and hang out with 3 xenophobic, sexist, homophobic idiots, I'm having a Stig Do.

When I was at BBC TV centre I bumped into Bruce Forsyth and Jimmy Hill having a good old chinwag.

I think it's only sensible that the World Rallying Championships have vetoed Nuremburg from next years competition.

I think that Lady Gaga should form a supergroup with the Goo Goo dolls to become Gaga Goo Goo.

If I had lots of money I'd open a "University Challenge" themed restaurant, just so that I could say to large groups, "Here's your starter for 10".

Bit of advice for the ladies, no matter what TV adverts tell you, blokes couldn't give a monkey's how big your lashes are, breasts yes, lashes no.

Rather than causing riots the English Defence League want to have a look at Arsenal, throwing away a four goal lead, it's criminal!

Why is it as a Christian Creationist that I can only buy soccer games which are Pro-Evolution?

Quote: Tony Cowards @ February 11 2011, 1:09 AM GMT

News fox - Where fact meets fiction, hits it over the head and takes it's identity.

News fox - Supporting our boys and girls overseas as long as they're not Goddamn homosexuals.

New fox - Where we don't just want the right to bear arms but also the right to arm bears.

Corrections - When the Pakistani cricket team toured England our report said that "they'll give us a run for our money", this was a turn of phrase and not meant as an actual accusation.

Rather than causing riots the English Defence League want to have a look at Arsenal, throwing away a four goal lead, it's criminal!

Why is it as a Christian Creationist that I can only buy soccer games which are Pro-Evolution?

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In order:
Good, but isn't it the other way around?
Very good.
Come on. That's been in Reader's Digest!
Extremely good gag, just needs something in the execution.
Specialist football gags will never get on Newsjack
Specialist football/ PlayStation gags will never get on Newsjack

Quote: Big Jack @ February 10 2011, 9:19 PM GMT

(7)"NewsFox - There's Right wing, and then there's wrong wing."

(15) [Whispered] "Hello Newsjack. We're having an overnight protest at New Cross Library. We just want to be heard. [Background angry "shhhh!!"]. Sorry...."

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These were great - and, of course, they did use a similar 'Christina Aguilera works for Al-Qaida' gag on the show.

Quote: Mikey Jackson @ February 11 2011, 12:58 AM GMT

CORRECTION:

I think the best career for Andy Coulson would be telesales. That way, he'd have no choice but to tell customers that calls may be recorded.

View original

Nice!

Quote: Tony Cowards @ February 11 2011, 1:09 AM GMT

News fox - Our motto is "Kill them all and let God sort it out".

Apps/Vox Pops/Whatevers

I'm not sure I agree with the concept of assisted suicide but if Jeremy Clarkson is up for it I'm only too willing to help.

View original

These

Quote: Ishy @ February 10 2011, 10:11 PM GMT

ELDERLY MAN:
You can tell you're getting old, when all that goes through your mind when you see the photos of Sally Bercow is, think of the ironing.

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An absolute winner. I think that story had just disappeared by the time the show was going out.

Quote: Badge @ February 11 2011, 12:01 AM GMT

The speaker's wife Sally Bercow was criticised for posing with a little sheet, and not as we said, with her husband.

The Pakistani cricketers didn't put up much of a fight against their bans, but what do you expect? No balls.

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Lovely. There's certainly something in reducing Police Numbers and 999, but perhaps not in that form.

Quote: Badge @ February 11 2011, 12:01 AM GMT

CORRECTIONS:

The speaker's wife Sally Bercow was criticised for posing with a little sheet, and not as we said, with her husband.

View original

APPS:

The Pakistani cricketers didn't put up much of a fight against their bans, but what do you expect? No balls.

Also good.

Tony's newsfoxes and corrections were truly excellent; the voxpops maybe a bit random.

Good to see the BCG'ers are still on top form.

My newsfockers:

Apps/Quickies

Multiculturalism is bio-diversity in the yoghurt market.

Chaos caused by the English Defence League has been blamed for the record 41 goals scored in the premiership last weekend.

I think there are still far too many Scots in London! I call it Jimmygration.

Well, Mubarak's problems all started when the Faroes exceeded their mackerel quota.

Google has released the new Andrew Lloyd Webber app called Android.

The new Mayday holiday must be set in a religious context, according to the spiritual leader of England's Roman catholics, Cardinal Ann Widdecome.

Terrible defending in the premiership last weekend! The only one who kept a clean sheet was Sally Bercow!

Government cuts have forced David Cameron's big society to downgrade to a size 10.

Following the Malawi government's fart ban the House of Lords has produced a white paper and passed an emergency motion, following an all night sitting.

NewsFox:

NewsFox: As cunning and sly as Richard Vixen.
NewsFox: Defending Sally Bercow and her right to bare arms.
NewsFox: Cleaning up politics - Watergate, Irangate, er...Colgate.

Quote: Timbo @ February 11 2011, 10:21 AM GMT

:

Tony's newsfoxes and corrections were truly excellent; the voxpops maybe a bit random.

View original

If I'm honest, by the time I got to the Voxpops I was losing the will to live so I just cannibalized a load of old jokes I had kicking around, hence the randomness and complete lack of topicality!

Thanks for the feedback folks and well done to anyone who got stuff on, looking at what was rejected it's a very high standard again.

Personally I'm still hoping that they might use a "News Fox" sting later in the run, as I presume they're not expecting us to send new ones for that every week.

Here are my rejected one-liners (I'm not including the one that got one, the library one)

Voice Messages

MESSAGE 1:I don't mind these Anglican priests joining the Catholics. I went to Catholic school and it made me who I am today - pro-choice and gay.

MESSAGE 2ersonally, I blame the riots in Egypt on the parents. After all you never see those mummies do any work.

MESSAGE 3:I was really worried about the Alexandria riots, but luckily my Alexandria was nowhere near Egypt.

MESSAGE 4:First QI offends the Japanese and then Top Gear offends the Mexicans. I'm disgusted by this. Why can't the BBC offend some people who deserve it like the blacks or the gays?

MESSAGE 5h God I bloody hate these answering machines. I can never figure out how these (CUT OFF).

MESSAGE 6AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Well, I think the recent floods and bush fires are proof that God is angry that the Australians lost The Ashes.

MESSAGE 7:The EU has gone too far! Yesterday I tried to buy a quarter of mint imperials and they would only sell them in metric. The clue's in the name you idiot!

MESSAGE 8ear Points of View, I wish to complain about the similarities between your phone number and that for Newsjack's app. Such similar numbers could be confusing for... oh damn!

MESSAGE 9:You can't get rid of the May Day bank holiday. I'd never be able to get the day off work to go out protesting against capitalism.

MESSAGE 10DRUNK) As an alcoholic I don't see why I should buy a red nose for Comic Relief when my nose is red all the year round. (HICCUP)

MESSAGE 11:I was really disappointed by Christina Aguilera's performance at the Super Bowl. She didn't show her tits even once.

MESSAGE 12:I'm glad that the government is getting rid of the adult vetting scheme. I always thought that they should be examined by a proper doctor.

NewsFox

STING 1:NewsFox: For those you think Sarah Palin is just a little too liberal.

STING 2:NewsFox: For people who don't have time for facts.

STING 3:NewsFox: Right on, right there, right wing.

STING 4:NewsFox: Protecting the unborn news from Islamist abortionists.

STING 5:NewsFox: Because someone has to protect Halliburton.

STING 6:NewsFox: The kind of vulpine that likes to be attacked by a pack of hounds.

STING 7:NewsFox: Don't ask, don't tell, don't have sex with another man you disgusting pervert.

STING 8:NewsFox: Because Obama secretly wares pink ladies underpants.

STING 9:NewsFox: Proud to be American, except our Australian boss.

STING 10:NewsFox: If you think Top Gear was rude to the Mexicans, then listen to this!

STING 11:NewsFox: Sourcing the news using the highest quality Wikipedia articles.

STING 12:NewsFox: You can't handle the truth and neither can we.

STING 13:NewsFox: USA, A-OK, LOL, ABC, 123, KKK. No scrap that last one.

STING 14:NewsFox: The only fox to squeal like a piggy.

STING 15:NewsFox: Like a bat out of Hell, you will be punished by God if you don't listen.

Corrections

CORRECTION 1:We would like to apologise to anyone we might have offended this week before the BBC forces us to do so.

CORRECTION 2:Last week we talked about a very camp rugby match in which all the players wore huge shoulder pads and there was a song during half time. Turned out it was actually the Super Bowl.

CORRECTION 3ne final public notice - could a Mr. Nick Clegg please phone the Newsjack studios, as we have finally managed to trace your missing backbone.

Quote: Big Jack @ February 10 2011, 9:19 PM GMT

(7)NewsFox - There's Right wing, and then there's wrong wing.
(8)NewsFox - Turning prejudice into fact!
(15) (Whispered) "Hello Newsjack. We're having an overnight protest at New Cross Library. We just want to be heard. (Background angry shhhh!!). Sorry...."

View original

Quote: Will Cam @ February 10 2011, 10:00 PM GMT

NewsFox: We value your opinions because we gave them to you.
NewsFox: Who needs the truth when you've got the news.

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Quote: Corey O'Graffor @ February 10 2011, 10:05 PM GMT

Newsfox: When we're around nobody's trash is safe!

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Quote: Timbo @ February 10 2011, 10:18 PM GMT

NJ APP# 1: So what I am doing right is party-partying, having a laugh and giving it large. But now they's telling me them's the wrong three A levels to get me into Uni.

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Quote: Badge @ February 11 2011, 12:01 AM GMT

Our "things we're glad to see the back of" feature was meant to celebrate the death of ASBOs. We're very happy to make it clear that SuBo is still alive and well.

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Quote: Tony Cowards @ February 11 2011, 1:09 AM GMT

News fox - Because only the far right can be this far wrong
News fox - Because in America we don't have the Daily Mail.
New fox - Where we don't just want the right to bear arms but also the right to arm bears.
Corrections - Last week during a report on the financial mess they've got us in, we said that the newspaper of choice for bankers was called "Theft", we did, of course, mean "The FT".

View original

Quote: Tam-S @ February 11 2011, 10:48 AM GMT

Terrible defending in the premiership last weekend! The only one who kept a clean sheet was Sally Bercow!

View original

Pick of them for me.

The NewsFox things have a high hit-rate with me. Lots of good ones.

Plenty of good ideas in this thread; some only need rewording and some ideas need to try a different angle but, so far, in my opinion, people are hitting the Newsjack flavour very well.

My own personal one-liner failures:

APP:
One-liner king Tim Vine is going to quit hit show 'Not Going Out'. You know what that is, I thought, I thought... this would be the ideal best place for an extremely funny joke. How irritatingly disappointing...

APP:
Saga are due to recruit up to 1000 people over the next 12 months! Oh, *recruit*. I thought it said 'resurrect'.

APP:
Redditch are planning to heat a swimming pool by the energy of burning the dead. I always had my suspicions Redditch was hell.

APP:
So, the internet is full, is it? Why don't they just get rid of those paedo files?

APP:
I've downloaded that Catholic Church Confession app. I confessed to cheating on my wife, robbing three banks and committing mass financial fraud." Bloomin' Autocorrect.

APP:
So, yet another presenter says the worst word possible on television by mistake. But who is really to blame? This accountability hunt is all fuzzy duck to me...

TROUBLE BREATHING:
You know this Belgian runner that completed 365 marathons in a year? Yeah, well I've done that in two months! Mind you, here, it was a long time ago they renamed them 'Snickers'.

APP:
Andy Gray and Richard Keys have moved to radio. I bet their faces will be much more appreciated there.

CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise to the government for us erroneously ramming home their vision of 'Pig Society'. And of course, no-one but prime pork should be naked all the time.

CORRECTION:
Big apologies to all Newsjack listeners for National Sickie Day on Monday. There was really supposed to be a joke here, but the writers weren't feeling very well at all. I think they were at Alton Towers...

AND FINALLY:
That was Newsjack from February 2011, back in the day when Wikileaks was a publisher of top secret documents not the world's premier plumbing service and Prime Minister Katie Price was lining up only her second divorce. She probably doesn't even remember his name now!

Obviously my comments apply to mine above too!

Dan

Quote: swerytd @ February 11 2011, 11:05 AM GMT

CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise to the government for us erroneously ramming home their vision of 'Pig Society'. And of course, no-one but prime pork should be naked all the time.

Dan

View original

I like this one but it's clumsily worded, which ruins it.

"And in other news, Stephen Fry has cancelled filming in Tokyo after hiroshima joke bombs in Japan."

I sent this as an apps message. The joke was that it had been left on the anasphone by mistake. They did that very same concept but with a one-liner.

POSH WOMAN:
Hello Max it's me, pick up darling will you. Hello? Max? Max? Oh you must be in a meeting. OK, look George and Audrey are coming round tonight. Pfft! I know it's unannounced but you know what Audrey's like. Impetuous hardly covers it. Anyway, can you bring in some artichoke hearts and asparagus when you get off the train? Bye darling. Love you lots. Muuwah! Muuwah!

Here is Episode 2 shite

Fox News Stings

V/ONewsFox: Because bigotry *is* big, and it *is* clever.

V/ONewsFox: Who are you going to believe, the news or your own eyes.

V/ONewsFox: Insular gripes, in stars and stripes.

V/ONewsFox: Frankly my dear, we don't give a damn

V/ONewsFox: Adding a pinch of truth, to the stew of news.

Corrections

Miles
Last week we incorrectly reported that the M and S from Microsoft and the N,O,K and A from Nokia would be used to create a new brand name for their recently announced mobile phone partnership. We now accept that the new brand will not be called Mmmmm Knockers.

Voice Messages

Cockney
I think it's a good idea putting Larry the cat into number 10. It'll make a change having someone in there who only licks his own arse.

Eager caller
Is that BBC new talent? I've got a great idea for a new show. Silvio Berlusconi is an aged rat who mentors four young ladies who wear skimpy reptile costumes. It's called Teenage Hooker Nobbler Turd. It's Cowabunga-bunga!

Nigerian
Hello Mr Newsjack. You are my acquaintance. We meet at the conference. My uncle still has 18.6 million dollars to put in your bank account.Ring me soon.

Quote: Will Cam @ February 17 2011, 8:06 PM GMT

V/ONewsFox: Who are you going to believe, the news or your own eyes.

Cockney
I think it's a good idea putting Larry the cat into number 10. It'll make a change having someone in there who only licks his own arse.

View original

Here's mine

NewsFox stings

We play facts a tune on a banjo, and tell the news it's got pretty lips.

When we see a huge story rising, we've always got a bigger boat.

ONE LINER

The scouting organisation has denied that a mock kidnap of Kate Middleton was in poor taste, and was entirely unrelated to the appointment of the new chief scout Frankie Boyle.

NEWSJACK APP

GRUMPY WELSH LADY

I've got one thing to say to that train driver who refused to sit in a wet seat. I've got three little boys and a husband, and none of them can aim straight. Welcome to my world.

PERVY SOUNDING MAN

I only recorded the grammys because I heard that they were showing footage of Lady Ga Ga getting laid.

MAN OR WOMAN

So Jamie Oliver reckons British kids are wet. Maybe he shouldn't shout at them when he's got a tongue that wouldn't look out of place on a killer whale.

If Jamie Oliver wants his staff to toughen up, he should just threaten to give them a tongue lashing.

CONCERNED FATHER

I wish I'd never let my son watch the grammys. I made him a boiled egg for breakfast this morning and he ran off to his room screaming.

Mine are utter shite

They be apps....

"An Iraqi Man was forced to remove the camera he implanted into the back of his head, as his body rejected it. I guess you really can't have eyes in the back of the head!"

"Cameron wants 'Big Society' to be his mission, his legacy. I thought the government were trying to combat obesity?"

"Lady Gaga turned up at the Grammys this weekend in a giant egg, after turning up in a meat dress in 2010. Therefore we can conclude that the Chicken indeed came before the egg. It was chicken, right?"