Quote: Will Cam @ February 10 2011, 10:00 PM GMT
In last week's show we apparently mispronounced the name of the Common's Speaker's wife. I can't understand why she would be so upset at being called Silly Bare-CowI'm really surprised that the Tories are selling off the forests. There's quite a few of them who are partial to a bit of birch.
Nice 
NEWSJACK WEEK 1 (ONE-LINERS)
Newsfox: Hungry, vicious, snarling and that's just our reporters!
Newsfox: Going through your trash and coming out with vicious rumours!
Newsfox: American for good reporting!
Newsfox: Don't adjust your radios; we're really this good!
Newsfox: When we're around nobody's trash is safe!
Newsfox: One part smart, two parts sly.
Newsfox: As smart as a...fox.
(LISPING) I just want to give my thupport to the King'th thpeech as it'th about a man overcoming hith thpeech impediment like mythelf, so here'th hoping that on the night it'th Firth patht the potht!
(Some nice stuff Will!)
The last few are very obvious.
NEWSFOX #1:NewsFox: Tearing to shreds the fact chicken.
NEWSFOX #2:NewsFox: The fat kid on the seesaw of opinions.
CORRECTION #1:Last week we reported that Cadburys were downsizing their chocolate bars. Inline with current BBC policy, instead of saying there are cuts everywhere; we should have said there are (BEEP) everywhere.
MID CLASS LADY:I can really empathise with the Egyptian people, especially when on the day of departure Mubarak didn't leave. Same thing happened to me at Heathrow.
MAN:I heard the protests are spreading throughout the Middle East. There have already been a couple of major upheavals in Jordan.
MAN:I'm not against the NHS reforming, but I didn't like it when the Police did it or Kajagoogoo.
Quote: Shandonbelle @ February 10 2011, 10:03 PM GMTWhy did none of those get in?? great stuff
We'll hear that said a lot over the next few weeks
& rightly so.
But there are a hell of a lot of things for them to read through.
Enjoyed the Nick Clegg/shower joke Gerry, your second correction Big Jack and your iPad gag Will. Also agree with what Gerry said Shandonbelle.
Here are my efforts.
ELDERLY MAN:
You can tell you're getting old, when all that goes through your mind when you see the photos of Sally Bercow is, think of the ironing.
YOUNG ANGRY WOMAN:
Closing libraries down. That idea is a load of ssshhhhhit
POSH MAN:
I hear the company that makes Viagra is leaving the UK. How deflating.
DISGRUNTLED MIDDLE AGED WOMAN:
My sex life's like rural buses. Lots of action a few years ago. Now I have to wait for weeks to get my ticket stamped.
MIDDLE CLASS MAN:
I'm sick of paying higher taxes. If I'd have wanted to be one of the squeezed middle I'd have worn a belt.
ANGRY YOUNG LADY:
If a tree falls in a forest, and someone sees it, do they make a sound as they get arrested for trespass?
GOSSIPY WOMAN
That Sally Bercow affair could have been even more embarassing. It was meant to be a husband and wife shoot, but the photographer couldn't find any hankies for John.
Nice ones Will
Quote: Will Cam @ February 10 2011, 10:00 PM GMTSoft Male
I'm really surprised that the Tories are selling off the forests. There's quite a few of them who are partial to a bit of Birch.
I didn't even know they read the Skitcomp.
Quote: Ishy @ February 10 2011, 10:11 PM GMTELDERLY MAN:
You can tell you're getting old, when all that goes through your mind when you see the photos of Sally Bercow is, think of the ironing.YOUNG ANGRY WOMAN:
Closing libraries down. That idea is a load of ssshhhhhitPOSH MAN:
I hear the company that makes Viagra is leaving the UK. How deflating.DISGRUNTLED MIDDLE AGED WOMAN:
My sex life's like rural buses. Lots of action a few years ago. Now I have to wait for weeks to get my ticket stamped.
Top notch
NJ APP# 1: So what I am doing right is party-partying, having a laugh and giving it large. But now they's telling me them's the wrong three A levels to get me into Uni.
NJ APP # 2: Look no way would we on the Labour benches have made fun of that Tory MP if we had known he had cerebral palsy - we just thought he was bit of a spazz.
CORRECTION # 1:We would like to apologise if any offence was caused by our item last week in which we characterised Top Gear presenters as flatulent chauvinistic (BLEEP)wits; but this sort of stereotype based-comedy is acceptable within BBC guidelines.
Quote: Ishy @ February 10 2011, 10:11 PM GMTYou can tell you're getting old, when all that goes through your mind when you see the photos of Sally Bercow is, think of the ironing.
There's been some cracking gags on this topic already, but this is the new leader imo 
Quote: Big Jack @ February 10 2011, 9:19 PM GMT(15) [Whispered] "Hello Newsjack. We're having an overnight protest at New Cross Library. We just want to be heard. [Background angry "shhhh!!"]. Sorry...."
An obvious angle, but very nicely executed.
Quote: Big Jack @ February 10 2011, 9:19 PM GMT(13) "Hello Newsjack. I was ringing about the scrapping of Anti-Social Behaviour Orders to replace them with Criminal Behaviour Orders. I think it was wrong that the ASBO was an unofficial badge of honour - so it is nice that offenders will now go to Buckingham Palace to collect their CBO and get the recognition they deserve."
An original idea, but let down a bit by the execution.
Thanks Timbo re library - and re ASBO/CBO - I know - I rewrote it a dozen times and got timed out. Rule of thumb - any joke with "I thought... " and "It's nice to see..." in it cannot be funny.
As good as anything on the show (so far) ...
Quote: Big Jack @ February 10 2011, 9:19 PM GMT(14) "I heard that former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith was going to make a documentary about pornography users. Another politician spending more time with their family."
... and not ...
(MALE GLASWEGIAN) Okay, here's my final offer: in return for a win we'll launder fifty million for you and we'll chuck in the Spanish kid.
Quote: Larkin @ February 10 2011, 10:36 PM GMT(MALE GLASWEGIAN) Okay, here's my final offer: in return for a win we'll launder fifty million for you and we'll chuck in the Spanish kid.
I don't think I get this...?
Was it on the show? (not actually listening - watching the best The 10 o'clock Show so far)
No, definitely not on the show. It's a bad football gag I wish I hadn't sent in.
Unlucky with Aguilera there Jack - they used a similar but slightly different version in NewsFox. Ditto Timbo's correction which was basically the same root gag as the one they used about Clarkson. I also liked Gerry's Beckham, Will's "value your opinions" sting and RobJ's NHS.
Here are some of mine from the slushpile:
CORRECTIONS:
The speaker's wife Sally Bercow was criticised for posing with a little sheet, and not as we said, with her husband.
Our "things we're glad to see the back of" feature was meant to celebrate the death of ASBOs. We're very happy to make it clear that SuBo is still alive and well.
APPS:
The Pakistani cricketers didn't put up much of a fight against their bans, but what do you expect? No balls.
Okay, so our cricketers might have lost the one-day series 6-1 but we won the five-day series 3-1. By my reckoning we're still five days up on the deal.
I hope they don't reduce police numbers - 999 is such an easy one to remember.