NewsJack oneliner rejects - series 4

Haven't seen a thread yet. Here are my strangled-at-births for episode 1. Feel free to spit on their cold lifeless corpses - or maybe laugh at them, you sicko. Not sure I can be bothered to do this five more times...

Corrections
(1)Newsjack would like to apologise for our feature on former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith's husband in which we said that he sat around the house watching porn and nothing but. We have since learned that some of the films in question did feature bum-work.
(2)Newsjack would like to apologise for our suggestion that Nick Clegg had failed to deliver on early promise. It was in fact all his promises.

NewsFox short stings
(3)"NewsFox - For Uncle Sam, not Aunty-American."
(4)"NewsFox - Shoot your mouth first, ask questions later"
(5)"NewsFox - Respect the Forefathers, you mothers!"
(6)"NewsFox - They don't call it RIGHT wing for nothing!"
(7)"NewsFox - There's Right wing, and then there's wrong wing."
(8)"NewsFox - Turning prejudice into fact!"
(9)"Newsfox - For the United Greats of America!"
(10)NewsFox - For America, World Series Champions since 1903"
(11)NewsFox - Ameri-can, not Ameri-can't"

NewsFox headlines
(12) Tonight on NewsFox - after Christina Aguilera insults the National Anthem, we ask - is she Muslim, or just plain evil?!

Apps One-liners (voice mail etc)
(13) "Hello Newsjack. I was ringing about the scrapping of Anti-Social Behaviour Orders to replace them with Criminal Behaviour Orders. I think it was wrong that the ASBO was an unofficial badge of honour - so it is nice that offenders will now go to Buckingham Palace to collect their CBO and get the recognition they deserve."
(14) "I heard that former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith was going to make a documentary about pornography users. Another politician spending more time with their family."
(15) [Whispered] "Hello Newsjack. We're having an overnight protest at New Cross Library. We just want to be heard. [Background angry "shhhh!!"]. Sorry...."

I could see the Nick Clegg one working, and I liked the Turning prejudice into fact line.

Good stuff Jack, here's my ginger children:

After seeing Sally Bercow's risqué picture in the newspaper, I can see why she's compatible with her husband. He's a Speaker, she's a woofer.

JJB are in danger of being swallowed up by JD. It looks like Jay-Z now has a hundred problems.

Nick Clegg has spoken of his plans for growth; he's going to watch David Cameron getting out of the shower.

Sales of the new DIY DNA test are brisker than expected; even Prince Harry has bought one.

Ambulance bosses are having to revamp their fleets to cope with increasingly overweight patients. The NHS have cancelled Karren Brady's next check-up.

David Cameron's war on multiculturalism has led to criticism from parties to the left of the Conservatives. "I think it's well over-the-top", said Nick Griffin.

There's a new website which allows you to find out on which road the most crime is committed; out in front is Downing Street.

David Beckham is thrilled with the news that he's expecting a girl. She'll arrive at half-ten once Victoria has left the house.

A radical preacher with a plan to blow up an aeroplane received assistance from a British Airways employee. I struggle to get a pillow.

Correction: We would like to apologise for suggesting that KFC workers were terrorists. We now accept that they only send towers into the plain.

I only had a quick scan but

David Beckham is thrilled with the news that he's expecting a girl. She'll arrive at half-ten once Victoria has left the house

Made me laugh.

Cheers Steve

I'll stick a few of these on twitter for the win £100: here's the info for anyone who's unaware of this weekly comp:

http://www.thehighlight.co.uk/home/win100

Mine

Robbers who stole over £3.5million in raids on jewellery shops denied the charges, the ringleader Gok Wan stated he wouldnt be seen dead in a white paper suit.

Ambulance services claimed the new reinforced stretchers would eventually pay for themselves, but denied any knowledge of a merger with Chucky Chicken's chain of fast food outlets.

Sally Bercow fumed to the press that she had been 'done up like a kipper', however a peeping Tom with a birds eye view insisted she must have been misquoted as from what he could see she was 'done up like a stripper'

Ann Summers boss to nanny 'While you're picking junior up, be a love and pop in the quickie garage would you, we seem to be out of screen wash again'

Quote: Shandonbelle @ February 10 2011, 9:43 PM GMT

Sally Bercow fumed to the press that she had been 'done up like a kipper', however a peeping Tom with a birds eye view insisted she must have been misquoted as from what he could see she was 'done up like a stripper'

View original

Could do with losing a few words I think, but a cracking gag

Yes I think I have a habit of using too many words...thanks , chuffed to get good feedback

Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ February 10 2011, 9:43 PM GMT

Cheers Steve

I'll stick a few of these on twitter for the win £100: here's the info for anyone who's unaware of this weekly comp:

http://www.thehighlight.co.uk/home/win100

View original

Never heard of it.

[ [Whispered] "Hello Newsjack. We're having an overnight protest at New Cross Library. We just want to be heard. [Background angry "shhhh!!"]. Sorry...."
[
Particurarly liked this one

[quote name="Gerry McDonnell" post="726663" date="February 10 2011, 9:30 PM GMT"]
Sales of the new DIY DNA test are brisker than expected; even Prince Harry has bought one.

Ambulance bosses are having to revamp their fleets to cope with increasingly overweight patients. The NHS have cancelled Karren Brady's next check-up.

There's a new website which allows you to find out on which road the most crime is committed; out in front is Downing Street.

David Beckham is thrilled with the news that he's expecting a girl. She'll arrive at half-ten once Victoria has left the house.

A radical preacher with a plan to blow up an aeroplane received assistance from a British Airways employee. I struggle to get a pillow.

Liked all of these

Big Jack - I liked your (3) and the last re the library

Here are my useless efforts:

Fox News Stings

NewsFox: We value your opinions because we gave them to you.

NewsFox: Who needs the truth when you've got the news.

NewsFox: We put the ream in the American Dream

NewsFox: The iron fist of speculation, in the velvet glove of news.

NewsFox: Upholding your constitutional right to be patronised.

Corrections

Miles
In last week's show we apparently mispronounced the name of the Common's Speaker's wife. I can't understand why she would be so upset at being called Silly Bare-Cow

Miles
We recently reported that Abdelbaset al Megrahi was released from prison because the Scottish authorities did not want him to die in jail. What we meat to say was 'mass murderer' al Megrahi. We are happy to set the record straight.

Voice Messages

Posh woman
When I saw Rupert Murdoch holding up his new media creation on TV saying 'I-Pad Daily', I thought so what, a lot of men his age use incontinence products.

Soft Male
I'm really surprised that the Tories are selling off the forests. There's quite a few of them who are partial to a bit of birch.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ February 10 2011, 9:55 PM GMT

Never heard of it.

View original

Steve has won this comp so often he now owns Twitter.

Quote: Big Jack @ February 10 2011, 9:19 PM GMT

NewsFox headlines
(12) Tonight on NewsFox - after Christina Aguilera insults the National Anthem, we ask - is she Muslim, or just plain evil?!

View original

Made me laugh

Quote: Will Cam @ February 10 2011, 10:00 PM GMT

Big Jack - I liked your (3) and the last re the library

Here are my useless efforts:

Fox News Stings

NewsFox: We value your opinions because we gave them to you.

NewsFox: Who needs the truth when you've got the news.

NewsFox: We put the ream in the American Dream

NewsFox: The iron fist of speculation, in the velvet glove of news.

NewsFox: Upholding your constitutional right to be patronised

Corrections

Miles
In last week's show we apparently mispronounced the name of the Common's Speaker's wife. I can't understand why she would be so upset at being called Silly Bare-Cow

Miles
We recently reported that Abdelbaset al Megrahi was released from prison because the Scottish authorities did not want him to die in jail. What we meat to say was 'mass murderer' al Megrahi. We are happy to set the record straight.

Voice Messages

Posh woman
When I saw Rupert Murdoch holding up his new media creation on TV saying 'I-Pad Daily', I thought so what, a lot of men his age use incontinence products.

Soft Male
I'm really surprised that the Tories are selling off the forests. There's quite a few of them who are partial to a bit of birch.

View original

Why did none of those get in?? great stuff

Quote: Will Cam @ February 10 2011, 10:00 PM GMT

Corrections

Miles
In last week's show we apparently mispronounced the name of the Common's Speaker's wife. I can't understand why she would be so upset at being called Silly Bare-Cow

View original

Made me laugh too