Are You Harder Than A Ten Year Old?
Scene 1. INT. Television Studio
THE OPENING TITLES AND THEME TUNE FINISH FOR THE SHOW "ARE YOU HARDER THAN A TEN YEAR OLD?" STOOD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TV STUDIO IS THE PRESENTER NOEL EDMONDS.
NE: Hello and welcome. This is the show that lets fully grown adults pit their wits, cunning and know how against some of Britain's hardest ten year olds. It's also the show with TV's most embarrassing confession, because if the contestant loses, they have to look into that camera there and say the words, "I am not harder than a ten year old." Rather you than me! (LAUGHS)
I would like to get it out into the open before we begin, that I am indeed harder than a ten year old. Isn't that right Sarah?
THE CAMERA SHOWS A SMALL TEN YEAR OLD GIRL SAT IN THE AUDIENCE. SHE IS BRUISED AND BATTERED AND WAVING AT THE CAMERA.
NE: Take a look at this! Roll VT.
CUT TO:
Scene 2. EXT. School Gates
CCTV FOOTAGE SHOWS A YOUNG GIRL (SARAH) COMING OUT OF HER SCHOOL GATES AND APPROACHING A ZEBRA CROSSING.
ALL OF A SUDDEN THE LOLLIPOP MAN PULLS OFF HIS WIG AND IS REVEALED TO BE NOEL EDMONDS.
WHEN SARAH ISN'T LOOKING HE PUNCHES HER IN THE FACE, AND WHEN SHE FALLS TO THE FLOOR STARTS KICKING HER. HE THEN GIVES A TRIUMPHANT ROAR AND RUNS OFF.
CUT TO:
Scene 3. INT. Television Studio
NOEL IS STOOD NEXT TO SARAH. HE HAS HIS ARM AROUND HER.
NE: So Sarah, did you have any idea what was going on?
SARAH (S): No Noel, none what so ever.
NE: And do you know who phoned and put us up to it?
S: (GIGGLES) I have some idea Noel. Was it my Mother?
NE: That's right! Your mother rang us and said that you thought you were a hard, mouthy little bastard and could we put you to the test. So we did just that. (TO SARAH'S MOTHER) So mum, how has Sarah been since the attack?
MUM (M): She's been great Noel. She wakes up screaming at night, and is now too afraid to leave the house. I'm telling you it's like have a different child, I can't thank you enough.
NE: Our pleasure. (TO SARAH'S MOTHER) And if you have any problems that you need helping with don't hesitate to ask. You have my number.
NOEL KISSES SARAH'S MOTHER FULL ON THE MOUTH AND THEN LICKS HER FACE.
NE: (TO CAMERA) Anyway, let's get on with the show. Let's meet our first hooded gang of ten year olds. The Moss Side massive everyone!
FIVE HOODED CHILDREN SLOUCH ON TO THE SET. THEY ALL HAVE THEIR HANDS IN THEIR POCKETS.
NE: We have Gavin, Claire, Louis, Verity and Daisy! Welcome guys. Now let's meet our contestant who could be playing for a quarter of a million pounds. All the way from Stafford! It's Phil!
A FAT, BALDING, MIDDLE AGED MAN RUNS ON TO THE SET. HE IS WEARING A GREY TRACK SUIT AND HAS HIS ARMS IN THE AIR AS HE JUMPS AROUND. HE MAKES HIS WAY TO A PODIUM SET OUT FOR HIM.
NE: Welcome Phil.
PHIL (P): Hello Noel. Hello gang.
SOME OF THE GANG IGNORE HIM. ONE STICKS BOTH HER MIDDLE FINGERS UP AT HIM AND ANOTHER MAKES A "WANKER" SIGN AT HIM.
NE: So Phil, tell us a little about yourself.
P: Well Noel, I'm 53, I work as a computer technician at my local college, and in my spare time I attend dog fights.
NE: Ok. So you think you're harder than a ten year?
P: I hope so Noel.
NE: Ok, well the first thing you have to do is choose one of our hoodies to pit yourself against. Any of them catch your eye Phil?
P: Well Daisy looks like the smallest, so I'll go with her.
NE: Ok, Daisy up you come.
DAISY STANDS UP AND WALKS TO THE PODIUM NEXT TO PHIL'S.
NE: Next you have to choose a category. You have a choice of "7 Year Old Blades", "8 Year Old Chains", "9 Year Old Happy Slapping" or "10 Year Old Bare Knuckle Boxing". What's it to be Phil?
P: Well Noel, it's a difficult choice. I was hoping for broken bottles, as that's my specialist subject. However I think I'll go for 8 Year Old Chains.
NE: 8 Year Old Chains it is. How do you feel about that Daisy?
DAISY (D): Shove it up your arse beardy. (TO PHIL) Bring it on fat boy.
NE: That's the spirit. (SHOUTS) To the bear pit!!
CUT TO:
Scene 4. INT. The Bear Pit
PHIL AND DAISY ARE SEEN IN THE BEAR PIT. THEY ARE BOTH CARRYING CHAINS AND SWINGING THEM BACK AND FORTH. THE PIT IS A LARGE HOLE THAT HAS BEEN DUG OUT OF THE GROUND. IT IS SCATTERED WITH BONES AND WHAT LOOKS LIKE DRIED BLOOD.
NE: The rules are simple. You fight for a full two minutes, and if you are both standing at the end of it, then we move into "Sudden Death". Ok Phil are you ready?
P: Yo!
NE: Daisy are you ready?
D: (GRUNTS)
NE: Great. When you hear the buzzer I want you rip, tear and shred like your life depended on it! Ready! Steady! Go!
A BUZZER IS HEARD AND PHIL AND DAISY RUN SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER, WHILE SWINGING THEIR CHAINS.
CUT TO:
Scene 5. INT. Television Studio
A BATTERED PHIL IS SEEN BEING HELD UP BY NOEL. NOEL IS GRINNING MANICALLY.
NE: Into that camera there if you will.
P: My name is Phillip James Morris, and I'm not harder than a ten year old.
NE: Until next week. Don't have nightmares! Bye bye.
THE END CREDITS AND THEME TUNE BEGIN.
END
