1st scene 4 x 2

alright here goes, if possible can I have tips as well as being ripped to shreds verbally?

SCENE 1. INT. SHOP FLOOR - 09:00

HARRY (ASSISTANT MANAGER, LATE 30s) IS ADDING STOCK TO SHELVES.

KEVIN (CUSTOMER SERVICE SUPERVISOR, LATE 20s) IS BEHIND COUNTER.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN ENTERS THE SHOP.

KEVIN LOOKS UP AFTER HEARING THE WOMAN'S HEELS ON THE HARD FLOOR AND DARTS INTO STAFF ROOM.

HARRY LOOKS AROUND FOR OTHER STAFF MEMBERS REALISING HE IS THE ONLY ONE ON THE SHOP FLOOR AND THEN SLOWLY WALKS ACROSS TO ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.

HARRY:
Hi there, what can I do for you?

HARRY (V.O):
So far so good and I didn't sound half bad. I can do this!

WOMAN:
Just wondering if I can get some help please? I haven't got a clue what I'm doing. I wanted to do a project in my garden and need help working out what I need?

HARRY:
Erm...ok....have you got your measurements?

HARRY IS PICTURING SOMEONE MEASURING THE WOMAN USING A TAPE MEASURE.

HARRY:
Sorry....I mean the size of your garden!

HARRY TRIES TO IGNORE THE BEADS OF SWEAT STARTING TO SLOWLY RUN DOWN HIS FOREHEAD.

WOMAN:
Err, yeah its five metres by four and a half.

HARRY IS NOW SWEATING PROFUSELY, HE REACHES FOR A CALCULATOR AND HIS HAND STARTS TO SHAKE.

HARRY LOOKS TO SEE IF THE WOMAN HAS SEEN.

KEVIN AND MICK (YARD STAFF, LATE 20s) ARE PEERING AROUND THE STAFF ROOM DOOR.

KEVIN AND MICK:
Laughing

HARRY STARTS TO TAP RANDOMLY AWAY ON CALCULATOR.

10 SECONDS LATER.

WOMAN IS NOW STARTING TO GET IMPATIENT AND THEN REALISES HARRY IS JUST BASHING THE CALCULATOR AND IS NOT WORKING ANYTHING OUT.

HARRY:
Yeah so....erm....what do you want? I mean what slabs would you like?

HARRY GRABS A CATALOGUE SHAKING STILL AND OPENS THE PAGE WITH THE SLAB SAMPLES ON AND THE WOMAN POINTS.

WOMAN:
Those ones will look great with the stones I have got......... are you ok? You don't look so good!

HARRY:
Yeah, yeah I'm fine...I just got something in my eye and I ate fish earlier, it gives me...erm...sick...I mean gas.

HARRY GRIMACES AT WHAT HE HAS JUST SAID.

KEVIN & MICK
Burst of laughter

WOMAN:
Is this a joke to you? You're mentioning you have gas and are obviously playing up for your friends who I can hear laughing.

KEVIN AND MICK SCUFFLE TO GET INTO THE STAFF ROOM WHILE BOTH ARE STUCK IN THE DOOR.

If you can't take this seriously, then I will take my business elsewhere!

WOMAN STARTS TO MAKE HER WAY TOWARDS THE EXIT.

HARRY:
No, I'm serious. I just can't speak to you because you're a woman. I'm not putting this on.

WOMAN TURNS AROUND SHARPLY.

WOMAN:
Oh because I'm a woman in a builder's merchant, you can't take me seriously! Sexist!!!!

WOMAN EXITS.

HARRY IS BLUSHING AS HE WALKS ACROSS TO KEVIN AND MICK.

HARRY:
What the f*ck...sh*t!...Why? Where the f**k were you Kevin!?

KEVIN:
I was making coffee for you and Bob. Why what happened?

HARRY:
You know exactly what the f**k happened!

KEVIN:
(SNIGGERING AS HE TALKS)
Yeah I know.

HARRY GOES TO PUSH KEVIN.

KEVIN DODGES AND RUSHES TO STAFF ROOM TO ACTUALLY MAKE THE COFFEES.

CUTS TO:

Personally I'd dump the co-workers watching and sniggering, and just bring them in at the end of the scene. I think you need to concentrate on Harry humiliating himself more with the customer, and digging himself into a deeper hole.

I'd also lose the voiceover bit. You don't need it.

And I'd like to see you develop the relationship more between Harry and Kevin at the end, and define it more, since I guess that's going to inform a lot of the action that follows. And what's the deal with the other guy? He seemed little more than a cipher. I'd leave him until a later scene.

Quote: chipolata @ January 25 2011, 10:59 AM GMT

Personally I'd dump the co-workers watching and sniggering, and just bring them in at the end of the scene. I think you need to concentrate on Harry humiliating himself more with the customer, and digging himself into a deeper hole.

I'd also lose the voiceover bit. You don't need it.

And I'd like to see you develop the relationship more between Harry and Kevin at the end, and define it more, since I guess that's going to inform a lot of the action that follows. And what's the deal with the other guy? He seemed little more than a cipher. I'd leave him until a later scene.

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see I never felt right about mike being in the scene or the V.O bit and I got advice from someone else about that, harry and kevin are very close and love there pranks and also have a code of not dropping the other one in it trouble wise but that fact comes out as the script gets going. well at least I hope it does!!

thanks for the feed back!

I agree with Chipolata that you do not need the voice over and the giggling co-workers.
When he says he has something in his eye she could be looking in his eye and making him even more flustered. Then he could make the gas gaffe. You've got it all in the one sentence and it is a bit clumsy.

Quote: Shirl the Whirl @ January 25 2011, 11:20 AM GMT

I agree with Chipolata that you do no need the voice over and the giggling co-workers.
When he says he has something in his eye she could be looking in his eye and making him even more flustered. Then he could make the gas gaffe. You've got it all in the one sentence and it is a bit clumsy.

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this is good, I need to do some work on this, might of helped if I would of found this site first and got your opinions. should have stuck with what I had.
knew it didnt sound right, felt pushed and shoved.

thanks for the tips guys.

Im not getting why Harry is so flustered on having to serve the woman? I get that hes meant to find her attractive, but without any lead up I can't see wherethat's come from. Perhaps the scene could begin with him looking at the page 3 and someone resembling her walks in? then I would understand him being flustered
or hes having a risque conversation with the others about women and they all drop away when she walks in, leaving him to it.

Quote: Shandonbelle @ January 25 2011, 9:02 PM GMT

Im not getting why Harry is so flustered on having to serve the woman? I get that hes meant to find her attractive, but without any lead up I can't see wherethat's come from. Perhaps the scene could begin with him looking at the page 3 and someone resembling her walks in? then I would understand him being flustered
or hes having a risque conversation with the others about women and they all drop away when she walks in, leaving him to it.

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shandon this is worrying that your asking this question and not sure what to put, I was always under the asumption that a man that's nervous around a woman doesn't need a reason, especially if she's attractive, its just the way he is and writing the scene I thought people may already think:- this is a guy who has trouble speaking to women, a common occurance for some men, im not sure I should put a deep lying reason for it or maybe a troubling relationship with his mother? he has got a problem with freddi mercury tho because he made him question his sexuality.

An action without a motive is usually a cliche.

All characters actions should come from some sort of back story.

e.g. Mainwairing resents Wilson because though he outranks him in work and the Homeguard. He always knows Wilson is public school whilst he is merely Grammar school. This was expanded to Wilson having seen action in WW1 where Mainwaring didn't.

It's these subtle reflections that make things work.

cluvss nicely I think you may need to do some more background work and prep on your sitcom.

so some sort of short to justify his reactions to an attractive women then, I'll try editing and see if I can make this work.

thanks for the feedback guys.

i was just looking on a previous thread and im getting confused tho.

"Characters are telling us exactly whats going on there's no guessing"

now if I get the script to tell you harry is bad with women won't I be going against your previous advice? im 100% sure im taking your advice wrong, there both justified comments when they were made but it feels like I go in one direction its not right but if I explain it ,that's also wrong. im not slating your advice by no means, its just to get the best out of myself, I need understand advice given by more established writers.

sorry im not that bright.

My advice to anyone in this case is watch the first scene of The Sopranos and read it.

The whole of the series is kinda summated there and it's all in allusion.

Quote: sootyj @ January 26 2011, 10:05 AM GMT

My advice to anyone in this case is watch the first scene of The Sopranos and read it.

The whole of the series is kinda summated there and it's all in allusion.

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now that advice I understand. I will do it tonight.

thanks sootyj!

Actually buy the Soprano scripts, they really are solid gold.

sitcom is really hard to write. It's sort of a 26 minute, where the characters and setting are so strong you can repeat them week in week out. And then these relationships are so powerful just by manipulating them you can make people laugh.

Quote: sootyj @ January 26 2011, 10:21 AM GMT

Actually buy the Soprano scripts, they really are solid gold.

sitcom is really hard to write. It's sort of a 26 minute, where the characters and setting are so strong you can repeat them week in week out. And then these relationships are so powerful just by manipulating them you can make people laugh.

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i loved the sopranos, so reading the script itself will be a treat..

its quite a concept sitcom. I was watching the u.s office and listening to the dialogue as if it was written didnt seem funny but having the characters perform them in such a way just seemed to make me laugh. andy bernard is hilairous.

[quote
its quite a concept sitcom. I was watching the u.s office and listening to the dialogue as if it was written didnt seem funny but having the characters perform them in such a way just seemed to make me laugh. andy bernard is hilairous.[/quote]
The reason I like your sitcom idea is in some ways it reminds me of the office, if anyone was looking at the idea for the Office before it was written down as a script, I don't think it would sound like the best of ideas,ie a dreary office block with some side characters and an egotistical boss, but it worked brilliantly ...due to acting, the gradual getting to know what each character was about, and how they interacted with each other..
So maybe you could set up some lines in the script where the characters reveal little nuggets about themselves...but its a gradual thing , forming the characters a little at a time.
Just my inexperienced ideas, by the way, so not sayingthat's the way it should be done, Im mainly going on what I find funny in sitcoms and how the scenes take shape, but seems to me in sitcoms its got to have believable ,solid characters , else it leaves people cold

thanks shandon, here lies a comment that has given me the slightest hope that my sitcom doesn't completey suck. I always like your comments.