SKETCH COMP 4.12-10.12

I've gone over the results and wun'cha know it but Niteowl's walked it again. Scarily well done.

You win 10 big shiny points and the continued knowledge no one's monopolised the voting so much before. PM me for next week's subject please.

Votes - Points - Name
7 - 10 - Niteowl
3 - 5 - Frankie Rage
3 - 5 - Rob B
1 - 1 - Kent Pete

The new subject is LAW AND ORDER, chosen by Niteowl.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 10 Dec

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

55 - Baumski
40 - Jude
40 - Charley Rance
37 - Frankie
22 - Michael Monkhouse
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
17 - Fred Peters
15 - Leevil
15 - Dale
11 - David Chapman
11 - Steven
10 - Swerytd
10 - Cinnamon
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
09 - Kent Pete
08 - Stylo
05 - Nigel Kelly
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Hellboy
01 - Winterlight
01 - Batman

Spot any mistakes? PM me. Thanks

INT.COURTROOM.

JUDGE: Ten years!Take him down!

PRISONER[SHOUTING IN BACKGROUND] Who loves ya baby?...Book him Dano-o...
Evening all...

ONE MEMBER OF THE JURY TO A SECOND.

ONE: Ten years,thats abit steep...

TWO: Yeah just for impersonating a police officer.
Fancy a drink?

End

RISK
V/O:

TWO POLICEMEN, ONE YOUNG, ONE SENIOR, ARE PLODDING ALONG A STREET.
Senior cop:
You’ve learnt a lot today, Johnson.

Johnson:
Thanks, sir – I -

Senior cop:
Wait, Johnson, one of our ‘clients’ needs our assistance.

A MAN APPROACHES.

Man:
Excuse me, where’s the nearest shop, I’ve got a raging thirst.

YOUNG JOHNSON GETS HIS NOTEBOOK OUT AND STARTS TO WRITE.

Johnson:
Raging ….thirst. What do we think, sir?

Senior cop:
Hang fire, Johnson, no need for notebooks here, this calls for old fashioned common sense policing!

THE MAN SEES A NEARBY BOTTLE AND OPENS IT AND DRINKS FROM IT HEARTILY.

Johnson:
Isn’t that white spirit, sir?

Senior cop:
Make no assumptions, Johnson..

THE MAN STARTS TO COUGH, SPLUTTER AND CHOKE.

Man:
Oh God, it is white spirit! What do I do? Help!

HE GRABS HIS THROAT AND MAKES HORRIFIC CHOKING SOUNDS.

Johnson:
I’ll call an ambulance…

Senior cop:
No! This situation hasn’t been risk assesssed. We need to identify potential hazards and carry out appropriate control measures.

Man:
Heeeeeeeeeelp!

Johnson:
Oh yes. Er, do we need protective gloves and goggles for this, sir?

Senior cop:
Goooood. And?

Johnson:
Erm –ah – high vis tabards, oh and breathing apparatus in case the liquid he has imbibed has noxious fumes!

THE MAN FALLS TO THE FLOOR AND STARTS CONVULSING.

Man (choking):
He-eelp!

Johnson:
And clear the vicinity of rubberneckers and inform the emergency services!

Senior cop:
Excellent, Johnson!

THE MAN NOW LIES LIFELESSLY ON THE FLOOR.

Senior cop:
Now, let’s get back in the car and fill out a risk asssessment form, then we’ll take necessary action.

Johnson:
Good idea, sir!

THEY DEPART AND A FEMALE PASSER BY KNEELS DOWN NEXT TO THE APPARENTLY DYING MAN.

Woman:
You ok, mate?

THE MAN MAKES A DESPERATE CHOKING SOUND. THE WOMAN GETS OUT HER PHONE.

Woman:
Looks like he’s been strangled or something.. Better call the police.

Man (rising up):
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

CUT

Written as a local news sketch for Lufbra Union Radio.

Entitled

"Student ‘not savagely attacked on way home’".

In news just in it was claimed yesterday that student Russell Howard was not savagely attacked on his way home on Friday night.

Talking to our Home Affairs correspondent Mr Howard, who attends Leeds University in Yorkshire said,

“It is true. I left the Atrium in Leeds Town Centre after watching a magnificent performance of Baletta’s 'The Evil Tourist', at around 11:45 pm on Friday night. As I didn’t want to splash out on a mini cab I decided to walk. It’s a good 20 minutes to my digs and I obviously expected a damn good pasting from some local louts hell bent on 'meaningless violence and giving student's a good kick in the Lad'.”

He continued,

“With every corner I turned I prepared myself mentally for the inevitable onslaught of fists and knives that would render me paralysed for some weeks. However it never came. I even went into a kebab house and asked for directions. You would have thought my home counties accent would have led to me being chased into one of the many Council estates in the area and being relieved of my dignity and credit cards at the very least but nothing. I arrived home safely at around 12:30am. I just can’t believe this has happened to me.”

However Russell’s is not an isolated case. Reports are coming in of five students from Preston University arriving home safely after a Waterboys concert and more amazingly perhaps three students, all called Julien, travelled home across Birmingham Town Centre and only needed to be treated for minor burns at the City’s General Hospital.

A Downing Street spokesman ,Hugh Ledger, said today,

“Surely this shows that we are winning the war against youth crime. More and more young people are using the streets of Britain at night without getting savagely attacked by meatheads. Figures out next week will show that if you are walking home at the weekend you have at least a 1 in 4 chance of not being hospitalised. And they say we are not making progress.”

A convict stands opposite the judge.

Judge: Mr Naylor, you stand accused of three charges of murder, how do you plead?

The convict falls to his knees.

Convict: Pleeeease don't send me to jail, pleeeeease. I'll be good from now on, I promise, don't send me back there, pleeeease.

A MAN GOES TO PICK UP HIS WIFE AFTER SHE HAS SERVED 7 DAYS IN PRISON FOR CONTEMPT OF COURT.

HUSBAND: So how was it?

WIFE: Awful! I hated every minute of it.

HUSBAND: Well it's your own fault, i told you not to shout out in court.

WIFE: Well he asked for it, anyone could see he was guilty.

HUSBAND: Not your call love, that's for the jury to decide, not the usher.

SIGN: WEMBLEY POLICE STATION

FX: CROWD NOISES IN BACKGROUND

POLICE SARGEANT AND CONSTABLE IN RIOT GEAR

Sargeant: Barriers ready?

Constable: Sarge.

Sargeant: Riot shields?

Constable: Sarge.

Sargeant: Specials on standby?

Constable: I thought this stadium was supposed to be less hassle,
sarge?

Sargeant: Stadium, son? We’re getting a new Primark.

CROWD OF WOMEN RUN SCREAMING ACROSS SCREEN

SCENE. INT BROTHEL FOR GAYS.

CARMEL
There’s a Kissogram at the door. (James looks at the CCTV monitor.)

JAMES
That’s no Kissogram, that’s a cop. Let him in. (Carmel presses button.)

COP
Evening all.

JAMES
Evening officer. What can we do for you?
You can go for straight sex, well not exactly straight sex; or the bondage if
that’s your pleasure, you know, whips, handcuffs.

COP
(Looks puzzled.) I’ve got my own handcuffs.

JAMES
Oh, well in that case I can offer you a ten percent discount.

COP
I’m doing house to house enquiries. There’s a dangerous criminal on the
loose.

JAMES
What does he look like?

VINNIE, MATT, (together)
Will I fancy him?

COP
Who knows. He poses as a pizza man in a wheelchair.

JAMES
Wheelchair?

COP
Yeah, it’s a cover.

JAMES
What’s his line?

COP
Tea leafing. When things get too hot he hides his booty in pizza boxes
and delivers ‘em to the nearest address.

JAMES
Wheelchairs? Pizzas? Whatever next?

COP
Seen him?

JAMES
Sure, he was here earlier.

ROY
(Enters with pizza boxes.) Sorry James, I burnt the grub.

JAMES
You put the boxes in the oven?

ROY (flirty)
Well, hello officer.

COP
Why did you look at me like that?

ROY
Like what?

COP
You just stared at me.

ROY
I didn’t.

COP
You did. You went like this (stares wide eyed.)

ROY
I just burnt the dinner, lost a lover, I’m having a nervous breakdown
and now you accuse me of going like this (he widens his eyes) Let
me just say something. These big green eyes are naturally wide. Well,
my mum ses….

COP
I’m giving you a caution.

ROY
Aaaawwww, I get a caution because of my big green eyes?

COP
No, because of your big loud mouth and the eyes look hazel to me. Now
let’s see what’s in these pizza boxes.(He opens the boxes and takes
out scorched items.) One pair of rubber gloves…….why would
anybody in their right mind, want to steal a pair of rubber gloves?

ROY
Are you wired up to a candy bar?

COP
You just said that without a safety net. Now, I’ve warned you. Shut up.
(He continues with contents.) One foldable crowbar, ah, ha. One
burnt out screwdriver, cordless, well it is now. One smoke damaged
sparkling ring and matching bracelet.(they're real diamonds) Well, I guess there’s nothing to
cry over here. Dispose of these will you? I’ll only have to write a long
report otherwise. If you see anything else suspicious, burnt pizza boxes
wheelchair abusers just call me. The number’s 999. (He exits then returns
to Roy) Nobody’s wearing checks this year. Oh and just put yourself out there. They say there’s somebody for everybody, even with hazel eyes and big mouths.
(He goes to the door then turns)……Nice ass.

ROY
Bitch!

JAMES
Carmel give these sparklers a rinse darl. They look like the real thing to
me. It’ll be extra bling for your big day. Caching!

CARMEL
Diamonds won’t go with fruit.

JAMES
Look darl, Will you tell that bleedin fiance to be just like everybody
else and use a run-of-the-mill condom?

CARMEL
(She takes the diamonds and as she passes the CCTV screen..)
That cop’s here again. (She presses to let him in. He enters
handcuffed to the wheelchair/Pizza man but the wheelchair is not in sight.)

COP
Evenin’. Is this the wheelchair abuser you saw earlier?

JAMES
No, that’s not him.

MATT, ROY, VINNIE
No, he’s not the one.
(Cop puts a false nose on the criminal.)

All
Yeah, that’s him.

COP
(To the criminal.) Right, I’m charging you with theft, impersonation
of a pizza delivery man,using an alias and posing as a paraplegic…..

ROY
Ha, that’ll teach him.

COP
And I’m charging you with the charge of intercepting a police officer
when he’s charging a criminal. You’re both under arrest.

ROY
Under what?

MATT
Don’t mention the word under.

COP
You’re doing it again.

ROY
What?

COP
Staring at me, like this (He widens his eyes.)

ROY
I’m not, I’m not It wasn’t me.

COP
Shut up. (Then to James) I’ve run out of handcuffs, lend me some will
you. (James hands him a pair of pink ones with feather trim. Cop stares
at them, shrugs and puts them on Roy. Who he attaches to the crook.)

ROY
(As cop is handcuffing him.) Look, just love me, you’ll feel better.

COP
Oh, I’ve got somebody really nice lined up for you.

ROY
Really.

COP
Yeah, he wears a wig and a robe.

ROY
Kinky. What age?

COP
About twenty years if you don’t co operate.

ROY
Oh, that’s kind of you. (Roy answers his mobile.) Can’t stay on she’s
being shackled dear,shackled. (Puts mobile away.)

COP
Are you ready?

ROY
Ooh, that question's loaded.

COP
Shut up! (He drags the two of them.)

VINNIE
Have a nice trial.

MATT
You’ll charm the pants off ‘em.

COP
Shut up! Shut up! Or I'll have the lot of you!

All
Ooh, Promises, promises.

COP
AAGGHHHHHH

(Cop exits battering his head with his truncheon)

PALL MALL BLUES
(A royal ‘Hill Street Blues’ spoof)

SCENE: THE THEME MUSIC TO ‘HILL STREET BLUES’ BEGINS AND FADES. ROLL CALL BEGINS.

Sarge:
Alright royals, settle down. Item nine – gifts and testimonials – the giving and receiving of. Now then, and in case it has slipped your minds people, that to be given tributes of the floral kind by loyal subjects is still to be considered as something unique and wonderful and therefore should always be treated as special whenever one walks the Mall or any other royal thoroughfare. The correct response is to be gracious, generous and, dare I say, even courteous in your acceptance. ‘Thank you’, ‘you’re very kind’ or even ‘how thoughtful’ is the more traditional and favoured response but never, I repeat never, in the words of the Duke of Edinburgh, ‘If you push those in my f**king face sonny I’ll get those ridiculous looking pansies and shove them so far up your arse you’ll be spitting petals for a month!’

Item ten – Prince Edward is looking for volunteers to help out with rehearsals for this years trooping of the colour. He reliably informs me that Ardent’s revamped interpretation of ‘majestic pageantry’ will be both maintained and enhanced by the stunning close fitting lamé tunics with matching leg warmers for each and every member of the household ensemble as they merrily march along in a (clapping rhythmically) one-and-two and one-and-two and one-and-two formation followed by a turn, turn, touch down, back step, pivot and turn.

Finally, our thoughts and congratulations go out to Prince Andrew. For in addition to not displaying any signs that he has hit a mid-life crisis by swanning around the Caribbean with a bevy of topless beauties and purposely embarking on a tour of every seedy girly bar in Thailand, he has also been given the good news that his infection has cleared up!

Ok royals, let’s be on our way but hey, hey, hey, let’s be regal - no, let’s be extra regal out there.

END

INT. COURTROOM - DAY
A traditional courtroom. The JUDGE and all others are kangaroos. The defendant is TROY TEMPEST the puppet from stringray. There is a Jury, public gallery, court artist etc.

JUDGE: Order! order in the court.
The judge bangs together a hammer and gavel, or in this case a herring and strawberry jelly.
JUDGE: Troy Tempest, you stand guilty of murdering our national hero: steve irwin. How do you plead?

TROY: I couldn't give a castlemaine xxxx.
JUDGE: prosecution, your case please.
PROSECUTION(pr): Your honour, i would like to draw your attention to exhibition A.
JUDGE: Well go on then!
The JUDGE bounces up and down on the spot.
PR: Alright no need to be hopping mad about it. It's here somewhere.

The PR starts taking random items out of his pouch including a bunsen burner, used tissues, smoked mackerel, step ladders and the lost treasures of the inca's.

PR(embarrassed): Heh, it's here honest, i packed it myself. Won't be a moment.
JUDGE: This is silly, is this some kind of kangaroo court? Do I look like a clown to you do doo di do doo do doo do do? Defense! Your case please.

DEFENSE(DEF): The defense calls Harold bishop.
ENTER HAROLD.
JUDGE: Mr Bishop, what is your relationship with Mr. Tempest?
HAROLD: I'm his neighbour Your Honour.
JUDGE: And what can you tell me about him?
HAROLD: Well I couldn't believe it when I heard the news, he seemed like such a nice man, kept himself to himself, read the daily mail.
JUDGE: Go on.
HAROLD: Well I've always thought that everyone needs good neighbours, I mean with a little understanding you can find the perfect friend. They should be there for one another. I believe that that is when good neighbours become good friends.
JUDGE: Thanks....have you been watching Home and Away by any chance?
HAROLD: NO. Bye.
HAROLD EXITS.
JUDGE: I think we can wrap this up, there is no case to answer. Any objections?
COURT ARTIST(Rolf harris): I've nearly finished your honour.
shows picture of a stingray.
ROLF: Can you tell what it is yet?
END.

INT. DAY. COURTROOM SCENE

JUDGE
In light of the overwhelming evidence you have been found guilty. I am left with no option but to impose on you an appropriate sentence:

A man, a plan, a canoe, Panama.

Have you anything to say in your defence?

JOHN DARWIN
Kayak.

ENDS

SCENE: COURTROOM

JUDGE: You have been tried for dangerous driving and manslaughter and have been found guilty. This crime, which ended in the death of two elderly ladies, is all the more serious as you were at the time of the incident an off-duty police officer. It is this court's view that the sentence should reflect not only the serious and tragic nature of the crime but also the position of responsibility and trust you held in the community.
[ASIDE TO CLERK] What prison spaces are currently available?
CLERK: [AT COMPUTER] No prison spaces available your honour.
JUDGE [TO SELF]: Ridiculous...[TO CLERK]: Find out what spaces there are in prisons outside the UK
CLERK: Just checking that for you now your honour...I'm sorry your honour, there's nothing. Would you like me to check community service?
JUDGE [DEJECTEDLY]: What choice do we have?
CLERK: Here you are your honour [turns screen to judge]
JUDGE [HOLDING HEAD IN HIS HANDS, ADDRESSING COURT]: You are sentenced to ten hours of community service. You will report to the local hospital where you will drive the hospital car.

Wife
(Arms folded) Right you, empty your wallet & hand me all the cash it contains.

Husband
Pffffff! Piss right off you cheeky bitch. Why on God’s earth would I do that?

Wife
Because we are married & part of that marriage is an agreement that one spouse will dish out law & order & the other spouse will follow those orders obediently.

Husband
Well who made you the boss of me?

Wife
I did. Now wallet! Empty! Give. (Holds out her hand & wiggles her fingers)

Husband
(Stubbornly)Make me!

Wife
Ok, (Picks up the phone) I am going to call your mother & tell her all about you.
I am going to tell her how you call that (points to his crotch), Mr Grinder & that you shout out Yippeeeeeeeee Yar Yeyyyyyy when you come. I will inform her of your little fetish for strap on sex & how you bark like a dog as I bang you

Husband
(Red faced & shocked) You wouldn’t

WIFE STARTS TO PRESS BUTONS THEN HITS THE LOUDSPEAKER.
HUSBAND HEARS HIS MOTHER ANSWER WITH A SPRINGY HELLO.

Wife
Hi Jean, Its Melinda. I just thought I would let you know what your son has been up too lately.

Husband mouth agape, eyes bulging,
Don’t (Shakes his head in a desperate plea)

Wife
He took out Mr Grinder yesterday

Mother
That’s nice of him Isnt it dear. (Shouts to her husband) Maxey took out Mr Grinder. Ahhhhhhh such a sweet boy. So helpful & kind.

Husband
Stop it Melinda please (Tries to grab the phone but his wife is to quick for him)

Wife
Yes then after he had finished with Mr Grinder Jean. He wanted the strap on out of the cabinet & I rammed him straight up the …..

Husband throws his wallet at his wife then snatches the phone & puts it to his ear.

Husband
Hi Mother

Mother
My poor Baby. (To her husband). Maxey caught his straps on the cabinet & Melinda rammed into him) Poor Maxey, do you want Mummy to come round & take care of you Dear?

WIFE IS IN THE BACKGROUND COUNTING THE MONEY & SHOUTING YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YAR YEEEEEEY!

Husband
No its ok Mother got to go. Bye.

HUSBAND HANGS UP, DIALS A NUMBER,PLACES THE PHONE ON SPEAKER . WIFE LISTENS & RECOGNISES HER MOTHERS VOICE WHEN SHE ANSWERS WITH A SPRINGY HELLO.

Husband
Hi Maureen. Just ringing to say that your daughter can’t get enough of my cock. Oh & she sounds like a donkey when she comes. (Shrieks) Eeeeeeee-Oreeee(hangs up the phone)

CLOSE UP OF A HORRIFIED WIFE!

Paul Daniels has been charged with racial abuse. His show is an insult to the human race.

Just incase I cant get on too vote over the next few days, I am going to jump in before this closes.
My Vote goes to Cinnamon!!!