Time to break the seal on 2011!
Apologies in advance for the colourful language.
Bo.
INT OFFICE - DAY
SALES REP GRAHAM HAS A MEETING WITH CLIENT MR. FIELDS. GRAHAM IS ACCOMPANIED BY FRANK. FRANK GLARES MENACINGLY AT GRAHAM AT ALL TIMES.
GRAHAM
Mr. Fields, good of you to see me. You're a hard man to get hold of.
MR. FIELDS
I've been out of the country on business.
GRAHAM
Of course. You're a busy man. I understand completely. Which is why I'm not going to waste your time with waffle--
FRANK
(TO GRAHAM) Oh, you arsehole.
MR. FIELDS IS TAKEN ABACK BY FRANK'S OUTBURST
GRAHAM
I want to talk to you about your stationery needs.
FRANK
(TO GRAHAM) Must you be such a dribbly cock of a man.
GRAHAM
Now, I understand you're currently dealing with Clipco, is that correct?
MR. FIELDS
Yes. (BEAT) Sorry, you are?
MR. FIELDS EYES FRANK EXPECTANTLY.
GRAHAM
Oh, my apologies. This is Frank.
MR. FIELDS AND FRANK SHAKE HANDS. FRANK SMILES WARMLY AT MR. FIELDS BEFORE RETURNING HIS GLARE TO GRAHAM.
FRANK
(TO GRAHAM) You utter f**kwit.
GRAHAM
Clipco are a great company - I'm not going to pretend they aren't--
FRANK
(TO GRAHAM) You're a massive twat! That's all there is to it.
MR. FIELDS LOOKS INCREASINGLY CONFUSED.
GRAHAM
But I just wanted to show you some of the great discounted lines we have available and maybe see if there's anything we might be able to help you out with.
FRANK
(TO GRAHAM, MOCKING HIS VOICE) Ooh, I might be able to help you out. Why don't you just stuff his hairy balls in your weasily little mouth you tedious wankstain!
MR. FIELDS
Stuff my what in his...?! Are you two colleagues?
GRAHAM
What? Oh no, no, no, no, no. Not colleagues as such. Frank's my... imaginary friend - hey, I bet you're spending a fortune on staples, am I right?
MR. FIELDS
Say that again. He's your...?
GRAHAM
My imaginary friend. Now, if you're not after staples we are also doing an amazing deal on manilla envelopes which--
FRANK USES A PAIR OF SCISSORS TO CUT GRAHAM'S TIE. GRAHAM CONTINUES UNDETERRED.
GRAHAM
...I'm sure compares very favourably with anything Clipco has to offer.
MR. FIELDS
But I can see him.
GRAHAM
Who?
MR. FIELDS
Him. Frank. He's right there.
GRAHAM
Yes, well... he's hard to miss.
GRAHAM SMILES BRIGHTLY AT FRANK. FRANK LANDS A PUNCH INTO GRAHAM'S MID SECTION. GRAHAM DOUBLES OVER MOMENTARILY BEFORE SPRINGING UP AND SMILING THROUGH THE PAIN.
FRANK
(GRIMACING) We... do... white... ones... too.
MR. FIELDS
So he exists!
GRAHAM SIGHS AND LEANS IN CLOSELY TO MR. FIELDS.
GRAHAM
Frank's existence is in no doubt. Unfortunately it's the friend part which is imaginary. (TO FRANK. BRIGHTLY) Isn't that right, old chum?
FRANK
(TO GRAHAM) Go f**k yourself!
GRAHAM
Right, paperclips!
END
