4 x 2 another scene - help?

boys and girls there feels like theres something missing from this scene and it may be the tramps doing somersaults bit, anyway I need help first replacing that part of dialogue and also the same old "what you reckon to the rest?" there small scenes trying to fill the script out with hopefully a couple of funny bits to tide it over.

SCENE 2. INT. BOB'S OFFICE / TRANSPORT OFFICE. INTERCUT - 09:30

BOB (MANAGER, LATE 40s)IS SITTING AT HIS DESK WHEN THE PHONE RINGS.

BOB:
(INTO PHONE)
Good morning four by two, Bob speaking, how can I help?

VICKY:
(TRANSPORT SUPERVISOR, EARLY 30s)
(INTO PHONE)
Morning Bob, its Vicky from transport, how was your weekend?

BOB:
Who?

VICKY:
Vicky from transport.

BOB IS LOOKING AT THE PAGE THREE GIRL OF THE SUN NEWSPAPER.

BOB:
What do you need Vicky? I'm very busy!

VICKY:
The same as what I need everyday, is Wayne out driving today?

BOB:
Yes!

VICKY:
(SARCASTIC VOICE)
Ok then Bob, you have a really lovely day.

BOB:
Ok.

BOB HANGS UP.

BOB PICKS UP NEWSPAPER AND HEADS TOWARDS THE TOILET, PASSES KEVIN IN HALLWAY.

KEVIN:
Bob, done you a coffee.

BOB:
Stick it on my desk.

KEVIN WALKS INTO BOB'S OFFICE AND PLACES THE COFFEE ON THE DESK.

MIX TO:

SCENE 3. INT.SALES OFFICE - 09:35

KEVIN WALKS BACK INTO SALES OFFICES WHERE HARRY IS BUSY WORKING.

KEVIN:
What's up with him this morning?

HARRY:
Why? What's he done now?

KEVIN:
Same old, he's miserable as always.

HARRY:
Just keep out of his way; he reeks of booze, must have had a heavy one last night.

KEVIN:
How can he hack it? I have half a pint and I feel like a tramp doing somersaults the next day.

HARRY:
You know what he's like.

DARREN (YARD STAFF, EARLY 30s) ENTERS THE SALES OFFICE, WEARING HIS HELMET, LUMINOUS JACKET AND HOLDING HIS WORK BAG.

DARREN:
Alright!

HARRY:
You're 15 minutes late again Darren.

DARREN:
Yeah sorry, traffic was a nightmare.

KEVIN LOOKS VERY BEMUSED.

KEVIN:
Darren, don't you ride a push bike?

DARREN:
Yeah and?

KEVIN:
How did you get stuck in traffic then?

DARREN:
Nob head! I ride it on the road and that's how I got stuck in the traffic.

KEVIN ROLLS HIS EYES AND DARREN WALKS TOWARDS THE STAFF ROOM.

What was the point of that?

Hint sitcom generally works as an interlocking collection of characters and scenes. So these random scenes aren't going to sell your vision well.

As it is it isn't very funny. But then neither are most things in life.

Except for custard.

Honestly? Without back story and context it is difficult to comment. Why does Bob not know who Vicky is? I know he is looking at a page 3 calender. The scene also makes no sense because we know nothing about Wayne and his relationship with anyone else. Can't really say too much about scene 3. In all honesty it is just there. Two set ups and two attempts at humour. It needs work dude.

Good luck

Quote: Batleywriter @ January 25 2011, 7:18 AM GMT

Honestly? Without back story and context it is difficult to comment. Why does Bob not know who Vicky is? I know he is looking at a page 3 calender. The scene also makes no sense because we know nothing about Wayne and his relationship with anyone else. Can't really say too much about scene 3. In all honesty it is just there. Two set ups and two attempts at humour. It needs work dude.

Good luck

View original

well firstly he does know who vicky is but is abrupt and rude and asks who she is when his thoughts are on the "newspaper" not calender. secondly ive kinda set this up for a bashing, with no back story or character reference explained it is just a page filler with a couple of short shots a humour.

should have put the earlier scenes in first maybe, wayne is just a reference to a later character, he isnt being introducted fully until episode 2 but all these points ive made are neither here nor there, this is just a page filler.

Quote: sootyj @ January 24 2011, 11:06 PM GMT

What was the point of that?

Hint sitcom generally works as an interlocking collection of characters and scenes. So these random scenes aren't going to sell your vision well.

As it is it isn't very funny. But then neither are most things in life.

Except for custard.

View original

your right...custard is funny. I also like the german cross eyed possum.

i may upload the whole script to a site then this scene may make more sense as no-one knows who the hell these characters are.

That would help, you also seem to have a big dose of surplus dialogue

as far as possible all dialogue should be; advancing the plot, building upto a punchline or reminding us about a characters true motives, preferably all at once.

MIX TO:

SCENE 3. INT.SALES OFFICE - 09:35

KEVIN WALKS BACK INTO SALES OFFICES WHERE HARRY IS BUSY WORKING.

KEVIN:
What's up with him this morning?

HARRY:
Why? What's he done now?

KEVIN:
Same old, he's miserable as always.

HARRY:
Just keep out of his way; he reeks of booze, must have had a heavy one last night.

KEVIN:
How can he hack it? I have half a pint and I feel like a tramp doing somersaults the next day.

HARRY:
You know what he's like.

DARREN (YARD STAFF, EARLY 30s) ENTERS THE SALES OFFICE, WEARING HIS HELMET, LUMINOUS JACKET AND HOLDING HIS WORK BAG.

That's half a page's dialogue building to a weakish punch.

It's also very narrated. Characters are telling us exactly whats going on there's no guessing

Quote: sootyj @ January 25 2011, 8:28 AM GMT

That would help, you also seem to have a big dose of surplus dialogue

as far as possible all dialogue should be; advancing the plot, building upto a punchline or reminding us about a characters true motives, preferably all at once.

MIX TO:

SCENE 3. INT.SALES OFFICE - 09:35

KEVIN WALKS BACK INTO SALES OFFICES WHERE HARRY IS BUSY WORKING.

KEVIN:
What's up with him this morning?

HARRY:
Why? What's he done now?

KEVIN:
Same old, he's miserable as always.

HARRY:
Just keep out of his way; he reeks of booze, must have had a heavy one last night.

KEVIN:
How can he hack it? I have half a pint and I feel like a tramp doing somersaults the next day.

HARRY:
You know what he's like.

DARREN (YARD STAFF, EARLY 30s) ENTERS THE SALES OFFICE, WEARING HIS HELMET, LUMINOUS JACKET AND HOLDING HIS WORK BAG.

That's half a page's dialogue building to a weakish punch.

It's also very narrated. Characters are telling us exactly whats going on there's no guessing

View original

any ideas or cut the scene? to be honest its introducing the character darren for the first time and again as ive only posted one scene its kinda bleak and no-one knew this, I aimed for him to act dim witted to set him up for latter situations giving him reference so when people read about this character they know not to take him seriously as to put it blunty he is a moron. thanks for the feed back ill take it on board.

Quote: sootyj @ January 25 2011, 8:28 AM GMT

That would help, you also seem to have a big dose of surplus dialogue

as far as possible all dialogue should be; advancing the plot, building upto a punchline or reminding us about a characters true motives, preferably all at once.

MIX TO:

SCENE 3. INT.SALES OFFICE - 09:35

KEVIN WALKS BACK INTO SALES OFFICES WHERE HARRY IS BUSY WORKING.

KEVIN:
What's up with him this morning?

HARRY:
Why? What's he done now?

KEVIN:
Same old, he's miserable as always.

HARRY:
Just keep out of his way; he reeks of booze, must have had a heavy one last night.

KEVIN:
How can he hack it? I have half a pint and I feel like a tramp doing somersaults the next day.

HARRY:
You know what he's like.

DARREN (YARD STAFF, EARLY 30s) ENTERS THE SALES OFFICE, WEARING HIS HELMET, LUMINOUS JACKET AND HOLDING HIS WORK BAG.

That's half a page's dialogue building to a weakish punch.

It's also very narrated. Characters are telling us exactly whats going on there's no guessing

View original

would you mind giving a glance at this scene?

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/19960/

Post the first scene of the show. If that doesn't work then whoever you send it to won't read any further, so the best thing to put up here is the opening. And the opening needs to grab the attention, what you've posted so far doesn't really do that.

Yeah, sorry, didn't get this one at all. Why is Bob snappy to Vicky, when all she wants to know is is Wayne driving? Is Wayne her boyfriend, and so he feels she's using valuable company time enquiring after her fella? If so, put it in: "I'm not paid to keep track of your various boyfriends, Vicky!" with perhaps an indignant "What do you meam, various?" from Vicky, maybe setting her up as something of a (ahem) lady of questionable virtue? If that's what she's supposed to be, I really don't know.

I'd also change the "tramp doing somersaults" (which I don't think works --- why a tramp?) to maybe "little man doing cartwheels inside my stomach" or "men at work inside my head --- on bloody overtime!" or something like that.

Finally, I'd have Darren WALKING to work. Makes the "stuck in traffic" joke better --- "But you live five minutes away." "I know." "So how could you get stuck in traffic?" and then maybe have him change the subject hurriedly, like commenting on the page 3 girl or something?

I don't know, to be honest, just throwing out ideas, but as a "comic" piece, this does nothing at all for me. It's pedestrian (no pun intended!) and quite dull. Sorry.

This is just a normal conversation you would hear at Stobarts. Put some jokes in!

dont worry don think this scene is getting scrapped, with darrens stupidty, im being plain lazy not to write a decent and alot funnier intro than this.