v3
It's not improving, why read this when you could be outside playing with abandoned dog outside a newsagent? You know the little fella will like.
Good evening
On my way to work every day I pass a homeless guy. Well since the conservatives have been in power it's several dozen, some of whom I think might have been in the last government. There is this one guy who keeps muttering about prudence, he once bunged a fax at me.
But I digress.
This one homeless guy used to sell the Big Issue but last week he had a little dog. Mangy little thing, 3 legs, 3 eyes and no tail. And he had a card that read.
"Give me a fiver or I kick the dog"
Ignored him because he was homeless, like you do.
Next day the same homeless guy
Dog looking a bit sadder only 2 legs, boy must he have kicked it.
And now the sign reads
"Give me 2 quid or I f**k the dog,"
So again I ignore him well he is homeless isn't he?
Next day the dog is looking well traumatised. It's shaking like an alcoholic needing a drink on a water bed.
And the sign reads
"Give me a quid or I eat the dog"
Next day no dog and the homeless guy glowers at me..kinda disappointed.
And the card reads
"whats the matter don't you like dogs?"
What was the point of that joke? Was it just something I saw on an obscure channel by an unsuccessful comedian who's probably dead and unlikely to sue?
No it's about taking responsibility and being part of a big society. And me I work for social services so I get to be a part of the big society sooner than the rest of you. By which I mean I get to lose my job and work as a volunteer.
By why should it just be nurses, teachers, social workers, park wardens, lollipop ladies, school care takers, dinner ladies, generals, MPs in Labour safe seats, the guy who cleans public toilets, you me and everyone else who get to lose out jobs? Why can't every one become a volunteer?
Wouldn't the war in Afghanistan be over a whole lot sooner if we had an army of volunteers backing up our army?
Bored unemployed types don't make tea for the homeless make war on the stateless. Little old ladies with nothing to do why not man a checkpoint in Helmland you'll meet all sorts of people. And with most of the war being fought by remote control drones operated by video controllers. A perfect job for Britain's growing ranks of youth unemployed, just hope they don't bomb the DSS
Still there is one growth area in this country. Or to be precise undercover cops shagging hippys and then grassing them up for made up acts of terrorism. Imagine poor James Bond being briefed, now James we're going to issue one rusty VW camper van, no machine guns but it's bio diesel engine should create quite a smoke cloud, a dog on a rope and a packet of rolling tobacco. Careful that can cause lung cancer to anyone within 5 meters. Do I at least get a license to kill?
No you get a license to take pills and dance in a muddy field to the Levellers.
Mind you I've always wandered how a license to kill would actually work? I mean is it a license perse? Could you stab the postman for putting a card through your door telling you to pick up your parcel from the depot. When you were in all morning and he was clearly to lazy to bring it? Or is it more like a fishing license where you can kill certain people at certain times of the year? Member of Al Quaeda in February perhaps? Or Brazillian electricians, well when ever.
Still at least we're all init together. As Dave Cameron keeps telling us even if I suspect he's referring to Nick Clegg. Nick Clegg eh|? How can you tell what Dave Cameron had for lunch? Kiss Nick.
But the sad thing is we're not all in it together now are we. Now take my racist flat mate. Oh wait a minute I know just what you're thinking, this comics going to be a total racist isn't he the swine? He'll be making jokes about stingy Jewish, terrorist Arabs and sexy blakc men, The hypocritical, racist, probable homosexual.
Of course not. Now do you know how racist, my racist flat mate is?
He's so racist he
Won't give blood, because he thinks the government gives it to asylum seeking vampires.
What a terrible racist. I shouldn't mock him, not after he died. No one deserved his terrible fate...
But really I do think a big society could be a more caring society, a more loving society. Every one deserves love, the smelly, the ugly and the fugly and then theres people like me. You see I have a romantic malfunction, no not one of the big ones, I just have needs, needs few people share and women rarely understand, unless I'm willing to pay. Needs that are frankly costing me a fortune.
So the other night I hire this prostitute and take her back to my hotel room. And she gets right to the point
"do you fancy some sex?"
Not just yet I say... I have needs, could you perhaps put on a sowester and fisherman's hat?
So she does
Then I ask her to go in the bathroom and run a bath
"do you want me to get in it?
God no
But could you run the shower so it sounds like rain. So she does. Then could you flip the light on and off like lightning? She does And now could you switch the haird dryer on so it sounds like a hurricane.
And there she is in a sowester, running the shower, making a noise like a hurricane and flipping the light switch
"Are we going to have sex now?" she asks
No way not in weather like this.
I could never discuss this with my racist flatmate. You're probably expecting a joke, but he's just really ugly.
Like the other morning, the morning before he met his terrible, terrible fate,
I remember him. Standing there with his potbelly hanging over his yfronts, his pale skin flushed his acne standing out and glowing with passion. He truly was a fine representative for the Aryan race.
"Sooty" he snarled"they come over here, don't work, get free medical treatment and a fancy London home."
Look I replied I am sick and tired of hearing you blooming ranting on about asylum seekers.
But he wasn't to be stopped, he was angrier than a 2 headed dog trying to sniff it's own bum.
"they eat all our bananas and then...they....they throw poos at us!"
Oh dear racist flatmate I said that really isn't true.
"Oh yes it is you wiley semite I've seen it with my very own eyes"
Where?
"London Zoo"
Those are monkeys you nincompoop.
"So what?"
Well they didn't want to come over here, they're usually captured and brought here by force. I think they'd all like to return to the Congo or the Niger Basin where they originated.
"They've been fooling David Attenborough and now they've got you fooled but not me"
Better make sure they don't get their hands on you.
"Why?"
Well for a start they've got 3 times your strength and secondly your bananas and they may well eat you.
"Very funny well I've been on Wikipedia all morning and I've found pan troglodytes secret weakness."
Whats that PG Tips?
"No their dinkles, their dinkles are a mere one inch long...I've got atleast twice that.
My racist flatmate that is not me, I've got 3 times that.
Still credit where it's due David Cameron does genuinely care about students. He's offering them a way to complete university debt free and with bed and board paid for.
That guy who chucked the fire extinguisher off of Millbank tower? He got 3 years inside, where no doubt he'll be able to study for his degree and graduate debt free.
Great idea shame it means us Londoners will be subjected to a reign of fire extinguishers for the next year. Wouldn't have been easier to wave fees?
I'd love to have told my racist flatmate about him. But well I didn't get the chance
Why'd he do it? Why did he take one cold and wet January to take himself to London Zoo,
Why did he take that flash mac and no pants.
Why damn it? Why did he flash the chimpanzee cage?
That would have been ok, well perverted and sick
But why did he bang his dinkle between the bars and cry his final chilling words
"Hey Mr Monkey how does your wife like these bananas?"
That day taught me one thing.
We a re a big society, we all need each other and being a racist can lead to you being beaten to death with your severed penis by an enraged chimpanzee.
severed penis by an enraged chimpanzee.
