Right, here goes.
A sitcom that blends celebrity with a dash of comedy. Using real paparazzi footage of stars my friend and I have come up with 'Pap'. If you have 10 minutes spare to read through the first ep, all comments/feedback are greatly welcomed and appreciated.
'Pap' has the unique ability to entertain like a sitcom and deliver like a weekly gossip magazine and feel free to watch the inspiration for our opening scene:- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4Ayf5TKbCk
Hope you like it,
Brett.
Pap!
Episode 1: "Careless Talk Costs Exclusives"
TEASER
SCENE A
FADE IN: EXT. A HIGH STREET - DAY (LOUIE SPENCE IS GETTING OUT OF HIS CAR SURROUNDED BY FANS AND PRESS. SUDDENLY HE SPOTS MOSES, ONE HALF OF PAP-DUO 'THE SUPER-MARIO BROTHERS'. LOUIS TAKES A SHINE TO HIM.)
LOUIE
You're videoing, you're naughty.
LOUIE MAKES A BEE-LINE FOR MO AND TRIES TO TAKE HIS CAMERA SO HE CAN VIDEO MO.
LOUIE
You get in here as well then, come on.
MO IS VERY CAMERA-SHY AND IS RELUCTANT TO BE FILMED.
LOUIE
Come on, Let's have a look at you. Oh look at him, in his biker gear.
Oh, he'll do. He'll do. What's your name?
MO'S PARTNER, MARIO, IS TRYING TO HOLD IT TOGETHER WHILST TAKING PICTURES FROM A DISTANCE. MO IS TRYING TO RETRIEVE HIS CAMERA FROM LOUIE. MARIO IS IN STITCHES.
LOUIE
Come and film me in the back of my car if you like.
EVERYONE STARTS LAUGHING AS LOUIE HANDS MO BACK HIS CAMERA AND POSES FOR PICTURES.
FINALLY, LOUIE GETS IN THE CAR TO LEAVE, BUT NOT BEFORE SAYING GOODBYE TO SOMEONE FIRST.
LOUIE
What's your name again? I'll remember you.
LOUIE'S CAR DRIVES OFF. MO MAKES HIS WAY TO MARIO WHO IS WAITING IN A NEARBY CAR.
MO
I hope you got all that.
MARIO
Mate, it looked liked YOU nearly got all that. (LAUGHS)
MO
Not funny, not funny at all. Actually, he was great for camera and I think we'll do well out of him.
MARIO
Whoa, less of the WE, you saw him first. He's all yours.
MO
Whatever, watch how many hits this gets on YouTube and I bet that picture ends up in the papers too...
MARIO PONDERS, THEN WRITES AN IMAGINARY HEADLINE IN THE SKY ABOVE HIM.
MARIO
'A Camp-corder for Louie!'
MO
Just watch the hit count, son. Watch the hit count.
OPENING TITLES
FADE IN: INT. A STUNNING HOTEL SUITE - DAY (A GIRL IN HER EARLY THIRTIES, JULES IS LYING IN A HUGE BED WIDE AWAKE. SHE MOVES CAREFULLY TO LOOK AT THE BEDSIDE CLOCK WHICH SAYS 6.32. ON THE STYLISH BED SIDE TABLE ARE A PILE OF BOOKS. WE SEE THEY ARE ALL EXACTLY THE SAME - AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A GOOD LOOKING MAN WHO'S STARING FROM THE COVER. SOMEONE ELSE MOVES IN THE BED. EMERGING FROM THE COVERS IS THE MAN FROM THE BOOK, JEREMY SCOTT.)
JULES
Sorry I didn't mean to wake you. I know you just got off the set and need some sleep, it's just I need to get to work.
JEREMY
Get to work? What time is it? (HE SQUINTS AT THE CLOCK) It's nearly seven (HE LOOKS HORRIFIED)
JULES
Yes, I said last night I'm on days at the moment.
JEREMY
Well I don't understand your bloody TV talk do I? I'm in movies, I thought day meant breakfast news. (HE'S PULLING A HAND FRUSTRATEDLY THROUGH HIS HAIR AS JULES LOOKS AT HIM IN AN IRRITATED MANNER)
JULES
Sorry I didn't realise I was getting in your way, as per usual. Don't worry I know the drill. (SHE'S ALREADY OUT OF THE BED AND HEADING FOR THE BATHROOM MUTTERING TO HERSELF) Sneak out the back Jules, make sure the snappers never see you Jules, or they may get suspicious Jules.
JEREMY
Sweetheart, look (HE REACHES ACROSS THE BED AND TRIES TO GRAB HER BUT SHE MAKES IT TO THE BATHROOM DOOR. HE FLASHES A RIPPED CHEST AND SOME PERFECT BABY BLUES) As soon as I get this next film role all wrapped up we can go public, but for the time being you know how my fans would react.
JULES
Three years Jeremy (SHE HAS TURNED ON HIM FROM THE BATHROOM DOOR)
JEREMY
If they think I'm off the market my box office figures go down and so does my... (SHE SLAMS THE BATHROOM DOOR) pay cheque!
HE COLLAPSES BACK ONTO THE BED.
SCENE C
FADE IN: INT. A SMALL BUT SMART LONDON FLAT - DAY (WE SEE AN ALARM CLOCK SHOWING 6:32 AM. A MAN IN HIS EARLY THIRTIES, MARIO (MAZ) WHO WE WILL RECOGNISE FROM THE INITIAL SCENE SHOULD HAVE GOT UP AT 6:00 AM. OFF CAMERA WE HEAR THE TOILET FLUSH, MAZ EMERGES FROM THE BATHROOM STILL HALF ASLEEP. AS HE CLIMBS BACK INTO BED, THE DISPLAY ON HIS BEDSIDE CLOCK CATCHES HIS EYE.)
MAZ
You're joking, argh! (ANGRILY TO HIMSELF)
UPON REALIZING HE HAS OVER SLEPT, HE THROWS BACK THE DUVET AND RUSHES BACK INTO THE BATHROOM. WE HEAR THE SHOWER BEING TURNED ON. CAMERA PULLS BACK TO ALARM CLOCK AS IT CHANGES TO 6:33 AM. WE HEAR MAZ OFF CAMERA.
MAZ
Shit!! Shitty shit shit!
CUT TO 'WEEKEND DAD', MOSES (MO), WHO WE ALSO RECOGNISE FROM THE INITIAL SCENE. HE IS BUSY AT HOME GETTING HIS EIGHT YEAR OLD SON, SAM READY TO BE DROPPED OFF AT HIS ESTRANGED WIFE'S (ROSE) HOUSE.
MO
Right, have you got everything? You know what your mum's like if you leave anything here. She thinks I hide stuff so she has to come over here and find it. It gives her....
SAM
....the wrong message? I know, dad. Don't worry, I've had a last minute sweep, all accounted for and we are good-to-go. Have you heard from Mario yet?
MO CHECKS HIS WATCH THEN HIS PHONE.
MO
No, nothing. Still, let's get our coats on and wait for him at the end of the street. Come on.
MO HELPS SAM ON WITH HIS COAT BEFORE PUTTING HIS OWN COAT ON. WHILST GATHERING SAMS BELONGINGS, MO REFLECTS ON THE GREAT WEEKEND THEY JUST HAD.
MO
I can't believe its Monday it feels like only yesterday we were kicking that football around. (SIGHS) Weekends go too quick, I'm dropping you off at your mum's and it's gonna be ages before I see you again.
SAM
Dad, it WAS yesterday and I'll see you on Friday like always. (SHAKES HIS HEAD WHILE SMILING)
MO
I know, but it feels like for-ever!! (EXAGGERATED AMERICAN ACCENT)
THEY BOTH LAUGH AS MO PULLS THE FRONT DOOR SHUT.
MEANWHILE, MAZ STILL HASN'T SET OFF.
HE ENTERS THE KITCHEN, HOT, BOTHERED AND TEXTING.
NOT ONLY IS HE LATE PICKING UP MO AND SAM, HE STILL HASN'T HAD BREAKFAST.
HE OPENS THE FRIDGE, IT IS BARE AND DEPRESSING. ALL WE HEAR IS THE HUM OF THE FRIDGE.
MAZ
(SIGHS) Oh, that's just brilliant!
QUICK CUTS OF MAZ CLOSING FRIDGE DOOR, GATHERING HIS CAR KEYS, PICKING UP HIS JACKET, AND EXITING THE HOUSE. WE SEE THE FRONT DOOR SLAMMING AND WE HEAR A CAR STARTING.
BACK WITH MO AND SAM WHO ARE STOOD ON A STREET CORNER.
CHECKING HIS WATCH, MO HAS STARBUCKS COFFEES FOR HIMSELF AND MAZ, SAM HAS A FRUITJUICE.
MO RECEIVES A TEXT MESSAGE. HE READS IT AND REACTS.
MO
Unbelievable, today of all days. He knows on Monday's we have to drop you off. He'd better pull his finger out. (HE BEGINS TO TEXT BACK).
SAM
Pull it out of where, dad?
TOO BUSY TEXTING AND NOT THINKING, MO ALMOST FORGETS WHO HE'S TALKING TO.
MO
Pull it out of his ar... (THINKS) ...arris.
SAM
His arris? What's an arris?
BACK WITH MAZ, HE RECEIVES MO'S TEXT AS HE REVERSES OUT OF HIS DRIVEWAY, HE READS IT WITHOUT CHECKING HIS MIRRORS.
A PASSING CAR HONKS AT HIM AS THEY NEARLY CRASH.
MAZ
Oops! Sorry.
HE HOLDS HIS HANDS UP IN APOLOGY.
MAZ
Well, this IS a good start to the day isn't it!
AS HE TURNS ONTO A MAIN ROAD, ROADWORKS AND 4-WAY TEMPORARY TRAFFIC LIGHTS ARE HOLDING-UP THE TRAFFIC.
MAZ
Uh!!? Ah shit, NOOOO.....
HE HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT THEM.
THE LIGHTS ARE GREEN THOUGH, HE SPEEDS UP TO TRY AND MAKE IT BUT OTHER CARS ARE TOO SLOW. THE LIGHTS TURN RED.
HE HONKS HIS HORN IN FRUSTRATION.
MAZ
Shit, come on! We all could have made that. Damn, I need a coffee.
OTHER DRIVERS BEGIN TO HONK THEIR HORNS TOO.
MAZ
Great. Right, I need to get out of this. (SHUFFLING IN HIS SEAT, HE WEIGHS UP HIS ESCAPE ROUTE. HE DOES A U-TURN, TO WHICH SOMEONE HONKS. HE GIVES THEM THE FINGER AS HE DRIVES OFF).
SCENE D
FADE IN: INT. A BEDSIT - DAY (A GIRL IN HER MID TWENTIES, KATHERINE/STACEY IS SLEEPING ON A SMALL MATRESS ON THE FLOOR. THE LIGHT IS POURING IN THROUGH SOME SHABBY, SLIGHTLY STAINED CURTAINS AS THE ALARM ON HER PHONE GOES OFF)
SHE JUMPS AT SOMEONE NEXT DOOR BANGING ON THE WALL SHOUTING FOR HER TO 'SHUT UP' THE ALARM. A BABY BEGINS TO CRY AND A COUPLE BEGIN TO ARGUE. SHE TURNS OFF THE ALARM AND SIGHS HEAVILY AS IF PREPARING HERSELF.
AS SHE GETS OUT OF THE BED WE SEE HOW SPARSE BUT TIDY THE ROOM IS, DESPITE ITS TATTY AND BASIC FIXTURES. IN COMPLETE CONTRAST TO THE SURROUNDINGS AND HANGING FROM A SHOWER RAIL IN THE CORNER IS A DESIGNER DRESS AND A BOX LABELLED CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN RESTING ON A TOWEL.
SHE SMILES, BENDS DOWN AND SLOWLY UN-WRAPS THE SHOES FROM THE BOX BEFORE GETTING SELLOTAPE AND CAREFULLY COVERING THE SOLE OF EACH SHOE INCLUDING THE HEEL.
CUT TO A FULLY DRESSED KATHERINE/STACEY AS SHE TUCKS AN UN-CUT LABEL INTO THE NECKLINE OF HER DRESS. SHE SLIPS THE SHOES INTO A CARRIER BAG, PUTS ON A SCRUFFY PAIR OF TRAINERS AND LEAVES BUT NOT BEFORE COVERING HERSELF IN AN OVERSIZED PLAIN COAT. WE WATCH AS SHE WALKS OUT, SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HER.
SCENE E
FADE IN: EXT. STREET - DAY (MO AND SAM ARE STILL WAITING. MO IS ON THE PHONE TO HIS OFFICE.)
MO
Yeah, we're almost at the job. It's been terrible, there must have been an accident or something 'cos there's not normally this much traffic. (A SINGLE ELDERLY DRIVER SLOWLY PASSES) Okay, see you in a bit.
MO HANGS UP AND MUMBLES AS HE BEGINS DIALING.
SAM
Dad, was that.......?
MO
(INTERUPTS) Sorry Sam, I know what you're thinking, but sometimes in life you just have to say the things people want to hear (TO HIMSELF) Come on Maz pick up, for crying out loud (BACK TO SAM) in this case Sam, I need to cover for Maz who has clearly dropped the ball... and dropped us right in it.
SAM
So, is that a lie? 'Cos you say to me that it's not good to lie.
MO
It's what I like to call a preventative truth. Which means nobody gets hurt, and eventually, it is true.
SAM
So, it's like me telling Mr Snaresbrook at school that I have done my homework? Even though I haven't but I will.
MO HAS A LOOK OF CONFUSION AS HE PUTS THE PHONE TO HIS EAR AGAIN AFTER PRESSING RE-DIAL.
CUT TO MAZ, WHOSE PHONE IS RINGING AS HE BATTLES HIS WAY THROUGH TRAFFIC. AN OLD LADY CROSSES IN FRONT OF HIM, SEAMINGLY OBLIVIOUS TO THE WORLD AROUND HER.
MAZ
Come on, out of the way. Hello? You're in my way.
AS HE WAITS HE ANSWERS HIS PHONE.
MAZ
Mate, I'm two minutes away, hang tight. (HANGS UP) Arrgh, come on I am late. Come on!! (TAPPING HIS STEERING WHEEL IN FRUSTRATION)
THE LADY EVENTUALLY CROSSES AND WAVES HER WALKING STICK AS A THANK YOU. MAZ SETS OFF AGAIN.
HE PULLS UP AT A JUNCTION, EDGING OUT OF A MINOR ROAD ONTO A MAJOR ROAD AND NO-ONE IS LETTING HIM OUT.
MAZ
Oh, as if. Where is the common courtesy nowadays? Let me out or I'm just gonna pull out.
HE MUMBLES TO HIMSELF, AS HE CHECKS THE TIME.
MAZ
Come on, come on, come on, NOOOOO!
HE YELLS. HE CANNOT BELIEVE IT. THE LAST CAR FLASHES HIM TO COME OUT.
MAZ
Oh, you've got to be joking. Just keep going. Look in your rear-view-mirror, there is no-one behind you. I'll be fine... argh, typical.
THE CAR HAS NOW STOPPED AND CONTINUES TO FLASH MAZ TO PULL OUT.
MAZ
Okay, I'm going, I'm going, Jeez!!
RELUCTANT AND NOW FEELING LIKE A LEARNER DRIVER, MAZ PULLS OUT.
MAZ
I'm not going to thank you, so that you learn from what you have just done.
THE CAR HONKS AT MAZ FOR NOT THANKING HIM. MAZ GIVES HIM THE FINGER THROUGH HIS MIRROR.
MAZ
Right, almost there.
TURNING INTO THE ROAD WHERE MO AND SAM ARE WAITING, A MOTHER AND HER KIDS ARE WALKING DOWN THE CENTRE OF THE ROAD.
MAZ
What are you, a vehicle? Come on! Get out of the way!
HE HONKS HIS HORN.THE WOMAN AND THE KIDS TURN AND GIVE MAZ A DIRTY LOOK AS THOUGH HE'S IN THE WRONG. SLOWLY THEY MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE PAVEMENT.
MAZ
Take your time, dear.
MAZ SPEEDS DOWN THE ROAD. PULLING UP HE GETS OUT TO GREET MO AND SAM.
MAZ
Hi Sam. Mate, you are not gonna believe the journey I've just had...
MO
Whoa, let me stop you right there.
MO PUTS SAM IN THE BACK. HE HANDS MAZ A NOW COLD COFFEE.
MO
...there is your f**koffee!
SAM
I thought it was a cappuccino?
MAZ GIGGLES. MO DOESN'T FIND IT FUNNY.
MO
Look, you're late that's all there is to it. Let's just drop Sam off and get to the X Factor house.
MO GETS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. THEY SET OFF IN SILENCE.
SCENE F
SFX OF A TEXT MESSAGE.
FADE IN: INT. A PARKED CAR - DAY. (HAVING DROPPED SAM OFF, MAZ AND MO ARE SAT IN THEIR CAR OUTSIDE THE X FACTOR HOUSE IN LONDON. MO IS READING THE MESSAGE THAT WE'VE JUST HEARD BEEP ON HIS PHONE.)
MO
Ah, it's the office again, seeing if there's any update. I personally think we'd be better off sneaking into the back garden again.
MAZ DOESN'T REACT. HE'S READING THE SPORTS PAGES OF HIS PAPER. SENSING MAZ'S SULKY MOOD, MO ENQUIRES.
MO
Alright, come on moody blues, tell me about your hideous journey.
MAZ
Nah, the moment has gone now. It doesn't matter.
MO
No, come on I'm listening now. What happened did aliens beam you up and perform some experiments on you before beaming you back down forty-five minutes late?
MAZ
(LOOKING UP FROM HIS PAPER) Oh, bloody hell. I over slept a bit, so shoot me. It's not like I did it on purpose.
MO
How old are ya? If you was a teenager I might accept that argument, but as you're not. Do you realise that I got a phone call earlier from the office asking for an update on whether or not they were actually still here? I HAD to lie!
MAZ
Yeah, I get it. I'm sorry, jeez. What shat on your pillow last night? I tell you what, to make up for you having to fib to the office, lunch is on me. How's that grab ya?
A RELUCTANT SMILE CREEPS IN ONTO MO'S FACE.
MO
Pizza might swing it.
MAZ
Pizza it is then! Now, back to business (LOOKS BACK DOWN TO HIS PAPER) I see The Shaven Arse was useless again this week.....
MO LOOKS AT MAZ IN A QUESTIONING MANNER.
MO
Easy, am I missing something here? Shaven Arse, W.T.F?
MAZ, STILL WITH HIS HEAD DOWN.
MAZ
Yeah, you know Andrei Arse Shaving. Useless, couldn't hit a cows arse with a banjo.
MO, NOW UNDERSTANDS BUT TRIES TO GET A RISE OUT OF HIS MATE.
MO
Ah, Arshavin. You need to start supporting a proper team, 'cos yours aint gonna win a thing.
MAZ
(LOOKS UP) Unlike yours, what score was it again? Nil - nil. Great result son, great.
SMUG FOR GETTING MAZ TO LOOK AWAY FROM HIS PAPER, MO IS NOW ABLE TO DELIVER HIS LATEST ONE-LINER.
MO
Still a point though, your team couldn't beat an egg.....
MAZ
Whoa, nice one. Beat an egg? Original. Just thought of that did ya? (SARCASTICALLY)
MO
Whatever mate. Don't come crying to me when you have no silverware this season, again!
SLIGHTLY ANNOYED, MAZ CHANGES THE SUBJECT
MAZ
Anyhow, enough of that. I thought you were going to be useful today? Like checking when Miss Minogue is back in the country. (SAID DECISIVELY SO HE CAN GET BACK TO HIS PAPER)
MO
Like? Have you been watching American sitcoms again? You're not on The Hills, if you want to know where Kylie is... J-F-G-I!
MAZ
What? You plum!
MO
Come on mate, J-F-G-I! I thought you was down wid da yoof (sic).
MAZ
I am and I don't know anyone who says that. What are you on about? Is this one of Sam's?
MO
I hope not, it means Just F**king Google It (GIGGLES)
MAZ
Oh, this is another one for other people to catch on to?
MO
Of course and they will. I'll J-F-G-I, you'll see. (HE GIGGLES AGAIN)
MAZ
J-F-G-I, but don't forget, (POINTS TO THE HOUSE) keep an eye out for them too!
SCENE H
CUT TO: EXT. - EARLY EVENING. (MAZ AND MO ARE IN FULL, OVER-THE-TOP CAMOUFLAGE GEAR, FACE PAINT AND ALL. THEY ARE LYING UNDER SOME HEDGES IN THE BACK GARDEN OF THE X-FACTOR HOUSE. MO IS WATCHING THE HOUSE THROUGH HIS BINOCULARS.)
MO
So, who's your money on then? (HE WIPES RAIN DROPS FROM THE LENSES)
MAZ
Seriously? Do you actually watch X Factor?
MO
Well yeah, for research purposes. Otherwise neither of us would know who's who or what's going on.
MAZ
True, but do you watch it because you secretly like it?
MO
I didn't want to like it but it sort of draws you in... although those sad-sack 'all I ever wanted to do is sing and make my kids proud stories...' (MO STARTS PLAYING AN IMAGINARY VIOLIN)
MAZ
... And I didn't like to mention it but my goldfish has just died and...
JUST THEN MAZ SPOTS A SMALL INSECT ON MO'S BACK.
MAZ
...And hold that thought mate, I think there is something on your back...
MO PANICS A LITTLE, STOPS WATCHING AND HAS A SLIGHTLY WORRIED LOOK ON HIS FACE. MAZ KNOWS HOW MUCH MO HATES INSECTS.
MO
What is it? Is it big? What's it doing? Come on have you got it off yet? Kill it.
MAZ
Mate you're gonna have to just calm down. Reel it in a few notches.
MAZ PICKS UP THE TINY INSECT FROM MO'S BACK AND PUTS IT NEAR HIS FACE.
MAZ
See, it's just a little bug.
MO FREAKS OUT.
MO
Jesus, what is wrong with you? Get that ugly little thing away from me.
MO DUSTS HIMSELF DOWN AND SHIVERS AS THOUGH HE IS COVERED IN HUNDEREDS OF CREEPY-CRAWLIES.
MAZ
You really are a big softy. It's only one tiny little bug... (LOOKS AT MO'S BACK) Oh, wait a minute...
MO IS NOT IMPRESSED.
MO
What the hell Maz? Get 'em off me, how many are there?
MAZ
(LAUGHING) Chillax man, I'm joking. There's nothing there. Wimp.
MO
You can be a right knob head sometimes, you know that?
MO COMPOSES HIMSELF AND FOCUSES BACK ON THE HOUSE. THERE'S MOVEMENT AT THE BACK DOOR, IT'S TWO OF THE FEMALE FINALISTS COMING OUT FOR A CIGARETTE. THEY COSY UP UNDER A SMALL BROLLY.
MO
Heads up, you might want to get your camera rolling. We have Beyonce and Mariah here.
MAZ
Boring snoring, mate unless they do something of interest, I refuse to shoot 'em.
MO
Come on moody bollocks, we've been here for hours it's better than nowt.
MAZ
Who gives a rats-shit about what's-her-face and her mate? I mean really, do people care? Na, I'm making a point... (HE REFUSES TO LIFT HIS CAMERA, LOOKING AWAY)
MO
You might wanna make your point at this 'cos these two are up to something. I can't tell what. It looks like...you check it out.
MAZ TURNS, LOOKS, AND SLOWLY LIFTS HIS CAMERA TO HIS FACE TO START SHOOTING THE PAIR.
MO
Well? What do you think?
MAZ LOOKS AT THE DISPLAY ON THE BACK OF HIS CAMERA AND ZOOMS IN.
MAZ
I can't believe it, this will make front page.
MO
Is it a spliff? I can't zoom in as close as you?
MAZ
It's hard to tell from this range but it doesn't matter 'cos the only thing people will care about is these two snuggling up to each other like that! (MAZ SWINGS HIS DISPLAY ROUND SO THAT MO CAN SEE)
MO
Jesus! Good angle make, it makes them look like a right couple of les... (MO IS SUDDENLY EATING GRASS AS MAZ PULLS MO DOWN)
MAZ
Hold up, we could have been spotted here...
MO
What, who, where? (MO IS TRYING TO SEE THROUGH GRASS STAINED EYES)
THE DOOR OPENS AGAIN AND A SECURITY GUARD HEADS PURPOSEFULLY TOWARDS THEM AND STOPS JUST SHORT OF THEIR LOCATION. MO PUTS HIS FINGER ON HIS LIPS AND WE SEE AN INSECT HAS CRAWLED ONTO HIS ARM AND HE IS PETREFIED. MAZ LAUGHS SILENTLY.
THE GUARD LIGHTS A CIGARETTE AND TAKES A BIG DRAG. AS HE DOES HIS FLATULANCE GETS THE BETTER OF HIM AND HE LETS A BIG FART OUT.
WITH MO PANICKING AND THE GUARDS FLATULANCE, MAZ CANNOT HOLD HIS LAUGHTER IN ANY LONGER.
THEIR COVER IS BLOWN. THE GUARD JUMPS IN SHOCK AND THE MARIO BROTHERS MAKE A RUN FOR IT OUT OF THE GARDEN AND DOWN THE STREET.
SCENE I
FADE IN: EXT. OUTSIDE THE X FACTOR HOUSE - DAY, (MAZ AND MO ARE READING THEIR PAPERS).
MO
I tell you what, she's a BOB-FOC. (EXPLAINS AS HE SHAKES A PHOTO IN THE PAPER AT MAZ) Body off Baywatch, Face off Crimewatch...
MAZ
Who.....? (HE SUDDENLY SPOTS THE X FACTOR CONTESTANTS) Shit! Go! Where's my camera? Shit!
HURRYING TO FIND A CAMERA.
MO
What? Shit, you said they weren't due out 'til 11.30.
AFTER A LITTLE DELAY THEY BOTH JUMP OUT OF THE CAR TO PAP THE CONTESTANTS.
INSERT VT PAP FOOTAGE: X FACTOR CONTESTANTS LEAVING THEIR HOUSE.
GETTING BACK INTO THE CAR, MAZ AND MO REFLECT ON WHAT JUST HAPPENED.
MO
Mate, that was too close.
MAZ
Tell me about it, I couldn't find my camera.
POINTING AT MAZ'S FACE.
MO
Your boat-face was well panicky.
MAZ
Mo, you've got to stop with this northern-cockney rhyming slang boat-face thingy....
MO
(INTERUPTING) Whoa, there's nothing wrong with it. It'll catch on, current-sun, Claire-trainers, apples and stairs, boat-face. You watch mate, everyone's gonna be doing it.
CHECKING THROUGH HIS PICTURES, MAZ HAS MOVED ON FROM THE TOPIC.
MAZ
Whatever, how's things between you and Rose nowadays? Has she got the message yet?
MO
Don't want to talk about it, it's complicated. How's your pics?
MAZ
Fair enough, you know I'm here though mate. (LOOKING AT THE PHOTOS) Some of these are a bit if-y, but yeah good stuff son. Good stuff.
MO HAS HIS PHONE IN HIS HAND.
MO
Swish, I'll text it in.
WE HEAR KATE (journalist) BEGIN TO SPEAK OFF CAMERA
KATE
Hi is that Jeff, my cameraman? It's Kate the reporter......
MO AND MAZ NOD TO EACH OTHER AND LISTEN IN ON HER CONVERSATION. KATE IS NOW IN SHOT.
KATE
Oh really? I was on the Tube and.......but that......well I'll try........okay, okay see you there then.
SHE HANGS UP
KATE
Arrrrgh! Arsehole! Son of a bi.......
HASTILY, MO INTERRUPTS.
MO
Whoa, easy. That kind of language isn't exactly lady-like.
KATE, WHO UNAWARE OF BEING WATCHED, HAS BEEN CHECKING THE BOTTOM OF HER SHOES TURNS TO BITE SOMEONE'S HEAD OFF.
KATE
And you can just shut the f...
SHE MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH MO AND HAS A CHANGE OF HEART.
KATE
...oh, sorry about...
MAZ CUTS IN.
MAZ
Don't worry about it darling. We're used to it.
MO
Yeah but still, with a boat-face like yours......
KATE
(SMILING IN AMUSEMENT) It's actually boat-race.
MAZ
I've told him, but he reckons it'll catch-on. He thinks it's funny.
KATE
Why?
MO
Dunno, but I got a smile out of you so it was worth it just for that.
MAZ LOOKS AT HIS MATE WITH DISBELIEF AT THE CHEESY LINE.
MO
I'm Moses or Mo and this is Mario or Maz.
KATE
A little indecisive aren't you?
MAZ LEANS OVER MO TO DELIVER HIS LINE.
MAZ
Dunno! (HE LAUGHS BUT SOON SHUTS UP WHEN HE REALISES THE OTHER TWO AREN'T SHARING HIS JOKE)
MO
And he says - "I think, I'm funny!"
KATE IS NOW SMILING AND LOOKING AT MO.
KATE
Moses, hey? There's a name you don't hear everyday...
FEELING IGNORED, MAZ LEANS OVER AGAIN.
MAZ
Hello, yes. Hello?
MO
(SMILING) Well, actually I do.
KATE AND MO LAUGH WITH EACH OTHER... MAZ LOOKS AT THEM WITH INCREDULITY.
MAZ
Oh, so the indecisive gag fell on deaf ears but that turkey gets a laugh!
MO
You sounded like you was getting a right rollocking on the phone.
KATE
Sort of... Well, not really, I can handle it. It's just a little cameraman...
MO STARES AT THE CAMERA ON HIS LAP AND MOVES IT TO COVER HIS MANHOOD. THEN KATE REALIZES WHO MAZ AND MO ARE.
KATE
Wait a minute. You're paps aren't you?
MAZ MUMBLES TO MO.
MAZ
No flies on her mate, sharp as a spoon. Watch out for that one.
KATE
No, if you'll let me finish (SHE POINTS DESISIVELY AT EACH OF THEM IN TURN) Mario and Moses, you're the Super Mario brothers aren't you? I've heard of you, you're like...
MO INTERRUPTS A LITTLE TIRED OF THE PET NAME.
MO
Yeah, that's us, Super Mario Brothers (DEFIANTLY) We're the nice ones though, not like the ones you read about.
KATE
Really? I bet you say that to all the girls.
EXTENDING HER HAND OUT TO MO.
KATE
I'm Katherine, I mean Kate.
MO
Now look who's indecisive.
THEY SHARE A LAUGH. MAZ PIPES-UP AS KATE IGNORES HIS OWN OUT-STRETCHED HAND.
MAZ
You've missed the Zero Factor lot you know? They're already out, gone, done one!
KATE
I know that's what he said (HOLDING UP HER PHONE IN EXPLANATION) He's now at the restaurant to do the interview with Kylie.
MAZ AND MO LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SMELL AN OPPORTUNITY.
MAZ
Restaurant? That's a coincidence; we were just on our way over there.
MO
Yeah, wanna lift?
ALMOST IN THE CAR ALREADY, KATE CANNOT BELIEVE HER LUCK.
KATE
Really? Oh, that would be a massive help... these shoes are killing me (CLOSE UP OF HER EXPENSIVE HIGH HEELED SHOES)
MAZ
Only thing is, we don't know how to get to it from here. Do you?
IN THE BACK SEAT BUCKLING HER SEATBELT, KATE IS EAGER TO IMPRESS AND OBLIVIOUS TO THE CONSEQUENCES OF HER ACTIONS. SHE IS CAREFULLY CHECKING THE BOTTOM OF EACH SHOE, SUBTLY TIDYING UP ANY STRAY PIECES OF SELLOTAPE.
KATE
Of course, I know exactly how to get there from here.
KATE THEN RECEIVES A TEXT MESSAGE, WHICH SHE CHECKS IMMEDIATELY.
KATE
Oh, it's my boss, he knows I missed those bloomin' X Factor girls.
SHE KEEPS TALKING WHILE SHE TEXTS TIM BACK.
KATE
I really need to nail this interview now.
MAZ AND MO ARE GRINNING TO EACH OTHER, KNOWING THEY'RE ON TO A WINNER. TRYING NOT TO RAISE KATE'S SUSPICION BUT IN NEED OF INFORMATION MAZ CLEARS HIS THROAT AND SPEAKS IN A LIGHT HEARTED MANNER.
MAZ
So what are you going to be chatting about anyway?
KATE
I don't know apparently my cameraman has all the info. I'm just told where, when and who.
MO
So, the pressure really is on.
KATE FINISHES COMPOSING HER TEXT MESSAGE AND THEN, LOOKING DIRECTLY AT MO THROUGH THE REAR VIEW MIRROR CONTINUES.
KATE
Just a little bit, this is my first day.......
TWO-SHOT OF MAZ AND MO RAISING THEIR EYEBROWS. FADE TO BLACK
ARRIVING AT THE RESTAURANT, KATE GETS OUT OF THE CAR AND HEADS FOR THE ENTRANCE. MO JUMPS OUT OF THE CAR TO CATCH UP WITH KATE. KATE TURNS AND NEARLY BUMPS STRAIGHT INTO MO AS HE COMES UP BEHIND HER.
KATE
(SMILING AT MO) Thanks for the lift, guys (SHE DOESN'T ACTUALLY GIVE MAZ AS MUCH AS A PASSING GLANCE AS SHE SAYS THIS)
MO
No worries, Kate. Here's my card though, just in case you need a lift ...anytime (HE NODS AS HE PASSES HER THE CARD, SHE LOOKS AT IT BEFORE SLIPPING IT INTO HER HANDBAG).
MAZ, STILL SAT IN THE CAR SHAKES HIS HEAD AND SHOUTS THROUGH THE OPEN WINDOW
MAZ
Yeah, and my number is 0-1-2-1-do-one! (LOOKS AT MO) Easy son, don't turn to the Dark-side.
MO TURNS TO SCOWL AT HIS MATE BEFORE TURNING BACK TO WATCH KATE ENTERING THE RESTAURANT. MO GETS BACK INTO THE CAR AND LEANS INTO THE BACK TO PUT HIS CAMERA IN A SAFE PLACE.
MAZ
(EXCITED) Mate if we get Kylie, we'll be the only paps who know she's in town. Let alone snap an exclusive of her. Do you have any idea how much we'd get? (RHETORICAL QUESTION) Thousands mate, thousands!
MAZ STARTS THINKING ABOUT WHAT HE'D SPEND HIS FORTUNE ON. MO IS STILL FUMBLING AROUND IN THE BACK OF THE CAR.
MO
What was that? 0-1-2-1-do-one, I mean how rude can you get?
MAZ
Mate it was just a bit of fun, chillax.
MO
Chillax? Mate, I am calm it's just called manners. Telling someone who has just given us one of the biggest exclusives going to 'do-one'. (MO CRACKS A SMILE) The least you could do is thank the lady.
THEY BOTH LAUGH.
MAZ
Seriously though, I think I'd move, don't know where to but I'd definitely move. Oh, I'd better text the office and tell them to hold the front page.
JUST THEN, A STRAY ARM HITS MAZ ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD.
MAZ
Watch it!
MO
Oh for f**k-sake. It's dropped down the side. (REFERING TO HIS CAMERA) I'll have to get out to, get it.
MO GETS OUT, WRESTLES THE SEAT FORWARD, OPENS THE BACK DOOR, LOOKS INSIDE AND SEES THE MESS.
MO
Jesus, your car is filthy. When was the last time you cleaned it, the seventies? I can't believe we let Kate sit in this mess.
RUBBING HIS HEAD.
MAZ
Hey, if you and your princess don't like it you can always walk. Or, better still use your own car.
MO
Mate, it's proper minging in here. I hope she didn't notice. How could she not?
MO JUMPS BACK.
MO
F**k! I think something just moved.
MAZ
(LAUGHING) Come on, have you finished hunting for truffles? Anyhow, when do I have time to clean my car?
MO
F**k it!
MO GIVES UP AND GETS BACK IN THE CAR.
MO
Whatever it was can stay there and what do you mean time to clean it? I'll give you time right now. (MAZ LOOKS A LITTLE WORRIED BUT MO CONTINUES REGARDLESS, HE'S ON A MISSION)) We know Kate has just gone in to interview Kylie. So, ten minutes to say hi to everyone, an hour for hair and make-up and.....
MAZ
Mic up and shit....
MO
(LOOKING AT MAZ) Alright, thanks. Plus the actual interview, we're talking about two hours... maybe even three... that's if she's even there yet. We're probably safer staying away for a bit, don't want to raise their suspicions or give any other snappers the scent.
MAZ
Yeah, so what are you saying?
MO
There's one of those Polish 'hand-jobs' about five minutes from here.
MAZ LOOKS UNIMPRESSED.
MAZ
No way. I'm not paying ten quid cash for Johnny Foreigner to do a half-arsed job. Not when I can do it myself for nothing.
MO
First off, you can't be saying Johnny Foreigner. That's racist. Secondly, when have you ever cleaned any car you've owned? And thirdly, I'll pay just to find out what the f**k is crawling around in the back.
MAZ
Well, if you put it like that. Where is this wondrous place you speak of? (THEY SET OFF)
SCENE J
FADE IN: INT. A SMART RESTAURANT - DAY. (KATE RUNS INTO THE RESTAURANT STOPPING IN THE DOORWAY TO QUICKLY CHECK HER HEELS. THE RESTAURANT IS EMPTY APART FROM A SMART LOOKING FRENCH MAITRE D WHO DOESN'T LOOK UP FROM HIS PAPERWORK EVEN WHEN KATE WALKS UP TO HIM.)
KATE
Erm, hi, I've come to interview Kylie Minogue.
THE MAN STILL DOESN'T LOOK UP. KATE LOOKS CONFUSED. A LITTLE LOUDER SHE REPEATS...
KATE
Hello, I'm here to interview Kylie Minogue.
HE SLOWLY LOOKS UP FROM HIS PAPERWORK AND RAISES A SUPERIOR EYEBROW.
MAITRE D
I heard you the first time but as you can see there's no Kylie Minogue here.
HE MAKES A SWEEPING GESTURE WITH HIS HAND AND THEN CONTINUES TO STARE AT THE PAPERWORK. KATE STEPS CLOSER WITH HER MOBILE IN HAND STARING AT THE SCREEN.
KATE
But this is definitely the right place, look I have the confirmation here from Dave on the desk.
MAITRE D
Well if Dave on the desk said so!
KATE CUTS HIM WITH A LOOK AND THRUSTS THE PHONE IN HIS FACE... HE READS IT AND WITHOUT HIS EXPRESSION CHANGING HE SIMPLY POINTS TO A DOOR AND SAYS.
MAITRE D
Through there!
KATE
Thank you! (NOT REALLY MEANING IT)
KATE SETS OFF FOR THE DOOR BUT HE MAKES A STOP SIGN IN FRONT OF HER FACE BEFORE SHE CAN STEP AROUND HIM.
MAITRE D
Phone!
KATE LOOKS PUZZLED
KATE
Phone?
MAITRE D
(SIGHS) Yes, your phone I'll need to take that from you, privacy purposes, don't want any footage getting leaked now do we? You can have it back when you're done.
KATE PLACES THE PHONE IN HIS OPEN HAND - HE DOESN'T MOVE.
MAITRE D
Well turn it off - I don't want Dave from the desk bothering me, I'm not your receptionist!
KATE SNATCHES THE PHONE BACK, TURNS IT OFF - SLAPS IT INTO HIS HAND AND STORMS TOWARDS THE DOOR.
SCENE K
FADE IN: EXT. AT THE CAR WASH - DAY. (THE CAR HAS BEEN CLEANED AND IS NOW READY. MAZ HAS BEEN EYEING THE WORK INTENSELY. MO JUMPS BACK IN. AFTER ONE LAST SPOT CHECK MAZ GETS IN TOO AND STARTS THE ENGINE. THE CLEANER APPROACHES HIS WINDOW AND GESTURES FOR HIM TO WIND IT DOWN.)
MAZ
F**k-sake, just washed it now I'm gonna have a streaky window. Nah, f**k it.
MAZ OPENS THE DOOR INSTEAD. THE DOOR HITS THE CLEANER.
MAZ
Oh, sorry mate. Didn't realize you wouldn't move.
RUBBING HIS SLIGHT INJURY, THE CLEANER CONTINUES.
CLEANER
Ten pounds please, boss. Would you like a free air-freshener?
MAZ
(SUDDENLY SMILING) Damned right. If it's free I'll have one. Erm, give us a green or a blue one please.
MAZ LOOKS AT MO WITH HIS HAND HELD OUT - MO REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND PULLS OUT A TENNER WHICH MAZ PASSES TO THE CLEANER.
THE CLEANER THEN GOES OFF AND RETURNS A MOMENT LATER WITH THE AIR FRESHENER - IT'S YELLOW!
CLEANER
There you go, boss. Have a nice day, yes.
MAZ
(TO MO) It's yellow!
MO
Don't worry about it. It's free and smells a shit load better than before. Come on, let's get back to the restaurant, we don't want to miss her.
THEY SET OFF.
MAZ
Yellow though, if he'd have given me a purple one. But yellow.....
MO
Come on now let it go, let it go.
SCENE L
SCENE M
FADE IN: EXT. OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT - DAY. (MO AND MAZ ARE SAT IN THEIR CLEAN CAR, STARING AT THE RESTAURANT)
MAZ
I know what you're saying but smell it (HE THRUSTS THE YELLOW AIR FRESHENER UNDER MO'S NOSE AS HE FLINCHES AWAY)
MO
For god's sake man, I get it but let it go (HIS HEAD IS NOW TURNED AWAY FROM MAZ. HE SPOTS KATE LEAVING THE RESTAURANT AND JUMPS) Where's she off to?
MAZ
Who cares, she's done all she can for us (THE FRESHNER IS STILL HELD UP TO MO)
MO
No she hasn't (HE TURNS TO CHEEKILY WINK AT MAZ AND IS CONFRONTED WITH THE FRESHNER. DISGUSTED BY THE SMELL HE KNOCKS IT OUT OF MAZ'S HAND ONTO THE FLOOR)
MAZ
Hey, I wanted that.
AS MAZ BENDS DOWN TO SEARCH UNDER THE SEAT FOR THE FRESHNER MO OPENS THE DOOR AND JUMPS OUT IN PURSUIT OF KATE.
MAZ
Hey! (HE'S SHOUTING AFTER MO) Where are you going? What about Kylie?
MO
I'll be one minute (HE DOESN'T EVEN LOOK BACK)
MAZ IS FUMING AND WE CAN SEE HIM ANGRILY BANGING THE STEERING WHEEL AS MO RUNS UP TO A RETREATING KATE.
MO
Hi (HE TRIES TO PASS HIS RUN OFF AS A CASUAL JOG NOW HE'S CAUGHT UP WITH HER)
KATE LOOKS ROUND STARTLED UNTIL SHE RECOGNISES MO
KATE
Oh it's you. (SHE DOESN'T SLOW HER PACE OR EVEN STOP WALKING PURPOSEFULLY AWAY FROM THE RESTAURANT)
MO
Yep, it's me (HE LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER TO SEE MAZ FRANTICALLY WAVING AT HIM TO COME BACK)
KATE
Shouldn't you be staking out Kylie? (SHE LOOKS CONFUSED THAT HE'S STILL FOLLOWING HER)
MO
Yeah but I... (HE CAN'T THINK OF A REASON AND LOOKS AROUND HIM FOR INSPIRATION) I wanted to check... (HE SEES A BILL BOARD ADVERTISING BAZUKA GEL) check how your verrucas were. (HE KNOWS HE'S MADE A MISTAKE AS SOON AS THE WORDS ARE OUT)
KATE
What?
MO
You know 'cos of your sore feet (HE'S GRIMACING AT HIS OWN WORDS)
KATE
They're sore from shoes (SHE LOOKS REPULSED AND HER NEXT SENTENCE COMES OUT IN A STRONG COCKNEY DIALECT) not skutty swimmin' baths.
MO
Wow you sounded (HE TAKES THE MICKEY OUT OF HER SUDDEN ACCENT) 'Well Street!' (SHE IGNORES HIM AND INCREASES HER PACE)
BACK WITH MAZ, WHO IS PLACING THE AIR FRESHENER AROUND HIS REAR-VIEW MIRROR, A MAN APPROACHES HIS WINDOW AND TAPS ON IT.
MAZ, CAUGHT UNAWARE, JUMPS BACK IN HIS SEAT AND DRAMATICALLY HOLDS HIS CHEST AS THOUGH SUFFERING HEART FAILURE.
THE MAN GESTURES HIM TO WIND DOWN HIS WINDOW.
MAZ
Who the hell is this guy? (MUMBLES TO HIMSELF)
MAZ
Yes mate?
MAN
DVD? DVD? Porno? DVD?
MAZ
Nah, mate jog on.
MAZ STARTS TO WIND HIS WINDOW BACK UP.
MAN
DVD? Three pounds each, two for five or five for ten. DVD?
BRIEFLY, MAZ'S ATTENTION IS CAUGHT. MAZ STOPS WINDING.
MAZ
Look, mate. Stop saying DVD, I know what they are ya plum.
BACK WITH MO AND KATE
MO
Well anyway I just wanted to check you were ok that's all (MO KNOWS WHEN HE'S BEEN DEFEATED AND IS ABOUT TO TURN AND LEAVE WHEN ANOTHER MAN IN SLIGHTLY FILTHY CLOTHES AND WITH A STUB OF A CIGARETTE HANGING FROM HIS MOUTH APPROACHES. KATE CLOCKS THE MAN AND GRABS MO PULLING HIM CLOSE, STOPPING HIS RETREAT) WE HEAR MO'S PHONE START RINGING IN HIS POCKET.
KATE
That was really sweet of you to check actually, fancy a quick drink? (SHE LOOKS ROUND QUICKLY FOR A FAST GETAWAY PULLING MO TOWARDS A VERY SMART LOOKING BAR BUT MO RESISTS)
MO
Sorry I've got to... (THE VAGRANT IS NOW ON TOP OF THEM)
VAGRANT
Hey, Stace... how's it goin' girl?
KATE
Well ok another time then. (KATE IS NOW NEARLY JOGGING AWAY FROM BOTH MO AND THE VAGRANT)
VAGRANT
Stace, it's me G Boy innit! (HE REACHES FORWARD AND GRABS KATE'S SLEEVE SHE SPINS ROUND WITH AN EVIL LOOK ON HER FACE)
KATE
Get off me (MO MOVES FORWARD TO PROTECT KATE)
MO
Alright mate, you've got the wrong girl. Just piss off yeah. (THE MEN SQUARE UP TO EACH OTHER, MO'S PHONE STOPS RINGING. THERE'S SILENCE. THE PHONE BEGINS TO RING AGAIN)
VAGRANT
I aint got the wrong girl 'mate'. Tell him Stace.
KATE
Look I don't know who you think I am but my name's Kate. If you want some money or something (SHE STARTS FISHING IN HER HANDBAG. HE LOOKS PERPLEXED)
VAGRANT
I don't want your money, just come from the job centre 'an I. Thought I'd get me a posh council 'cos they've kicked me out the local.
KATE
Well I'm in a rush (ANNOYED AND RATHER FLUSHED) See you soon Mo (SHE TURNS AND WALKS QUICKLY AWAY)
VAGRANT
She always was a snooty bitch that one (BOTH MEN ARE WATCHING HER RETREATING BACK) couldn't lend me a few quid could ya mate?
MO
You just said you didn't want money
VAGRANT
Well, you can't ask family can ya?
MO LOOKS AT HIM LIKE HE'S GONE MAD AND WALKS AWAY SHAKING HIS HEAD; HE FINALLY ANSWERS HIS PHONE.
MO
What? (YELLS)
THE VAGRANT SHOUTS IN THE BACKGROUND
VAGRANT
You're as stuck up as she is, mate.
MO ARRIVES BACK AT THE CAR WHERE MAZ IS WAITING ANGRILY ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE
MAZ
About time, I thought you were never going to let her go...
MO
Is that it? That's all you were hounding me for?
MAZ
No, I was checking to see if you wanted anything from the DVD guy? He's here.
MO
Oh, yeah (TO THE DVD MAN) have you got Skyline yet? Sam will be well chuffed if you have.
MAZ
Dude, (ANGRILY INTERUPTNG) I was joking. He is peddling pirate DVD's. That's not only illegal but it's immoral and costs people their lives. And for what? So numpties, like you can watch a shaky, poor sound, dodge copy of what is probably a really good film. Just wait until it comes out legally.
MO
Alright, chill-out. I was just asking, for Sam you know?
MAZ
(TURNING TO THE DVD MAN) You still here? I told you, jog-on! (LOOKING BACK TO MO) We could have missed her.
MO
Look, we haven't missed her. She's gonna come out, her PR's gonna try to stop us snapping her but she'll smile, and say hello because you know she has a soft spot for you Maz (HE PUNCHES HIS MATES BELLY) Then she'll get in her car and go home. Then we get a big fat cheque, and jobs a-good-un... shit!
MO SPOTS KYLIE AND SPRINGS INTO ACTION.
MO
Shit! Go, shit she's out. Go! (THEY JUMP OUT OF THE CAR)
INSERT: VT PAP FOOTAGE OF KYLIE MINOGUE LEAVING VENUE
GETTING BACK INTO THE CAR MAZ AND MO LOOK A LITTLE DAZED.
MAZ
Did you not see her car pull up?
MO
No, I was too busy listening to you banging on about big fat cheques.
MAZ
Well at least we haven't missed that big fat cheque. How did you do?
MO
Like you need to ask.
A VERY CHUFFED MAZ RESPONDS.
MAZ
I don't, that's why we are Super!
MO
You know it, son. You know it.
SCENE N
SCENE Q
FADE IN: INT. A PUB - AFTERNOON. (MAZ AND MO ARE STOOD AT THE BAR, THEIR DRINKS ARRIVE.)
MO
Ah, cheers mate.
THEY CHINK THEIR GLASSES.
MAZ
Cheers, we've earned these bad boys today.
THEY BOTH GULP BACK ON THEIR BEERS.
MAZ
That is what I would call a very productive day. We are gonna be rolling in it, you watch.
MO
('CHURCHILL DOG' STYLE) Oh yes! And not only that...
MO NODS DOWN AT HIS PHONE ON THE BAR AND WINKS AT MAZ.
MAZ
You son, have no shame. You'll give your number out to anyone.
MO
If it means getting out of this shitty business, then yeah. (THEY SLOWLY WALK TOWARDS A TABLE AND TAKE A SEAT) But this.....this is not about that, this is it. In the words of the Robster 'She's The One' (SINGS). I don't know what it was, but something happened, clicked y'know?
FINISHING A SIP OF HIS DRINK, MAZ RESPONDS.
MAZ
Well Kate or no Kate, don't take your eyes off the prize son. We're about to get a big fat cheque and then you can be outta here (LOOKS A LITTLE SAD) Just waiting for the call... (SAID UNCONVINCINGLY)
MO
Yeah, I know. Retirement ahoy!
MAZ
Maybe not quite retirement but, gonna be booking a holiday soon, I've earned it. Even if we don't get that much for the Kylie pics (GESTURES TYPING) I'm still gonna be Last Minute dot com-ing it!
MO
Alright for some, I wish I could afford one. Anyway, don't count your chickens just yet, we might not get that much. It all depends on whose coughed-up the cash!
MAZ
(CONFIDENT AND RUBBING HIS HANDS) I do love a good bidding war though. (DAYDREAMS) Ah, I can hear the sea now lapping at my toes, the sun beaming on my face and the ladies...ah the ladies......
CUTTING MAZ SHORT TO AVOID ANOTHER ARGUMENT ABOUT FINANCES MO HURRIDILY FINISHES HIS DRINK AND GETS UP TO GO TO THE BAR.
MO
I don't know about me, but you need a drink.
MAZ LOOKS AT THE REMAINDER OF HIS DRINK
MAZ
Excellent, don't mind if you do, ta.
HE TOO FINISHES HIS DRINK, AS HE DOES HIS PHONE RINGS. HIS EYES LIGHT UP AND HE GETS ALL EXCITED. MO SITS BACK DOWN.
MAZ
Here we go, this is The One. Get ready to be rich and retire somewhere warm.
MAZ ANSWERS.
MAZ
Hello, Super-Mario speaking, how can I help? (NODS AND WINKS TO MO)
HIS FACE DROPS INSTANTLY.
MAZ
Okay, right. When did this happen? (PAUSE) Yeah, (STARES HARD AT MO) that WAS unlucky, wasn't it. Thanks for letting me know.
HANGS UP AND IS FUMING, STILL STARING HARD AT MO.
MAZ
F**k! Your future trouble and wife...
MO LOOKS AT HIM AND SMILES AT THE ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF HIS BACKWARD COCKNEY RHYMING SLANG.
MAZ
(SEES HIS SMILE AND SNAPS) Not now Mo 'cos she's just lost us our exclusive and our retirement!
MO
(PUZZLED) What? How could she have?
MAZ
By bringing the embargo forward, so ours weren't the only snaps. The papers have been given FREE quality PR pics haven't they. Miss Minogue (STRIKING A CAMP POSE) all posed up and looking as pretty as, well a picture.
MAZ LOOKS AT HIS DRINK, IT'S STILL EMPTY HE BANGS THE TABLE IN FRUSTRATION. MO, BLANK-FACED RECEIVES A TEXT MESSAGE.
MAZ
(ANGRILY) And I suppose that's her now, is it?
MO READS THE MESSAGE.
MO
Cheeky bitch.
MAZ
What? Is it her? Well, what's she got to say for herself?
MO
Only saying that I owe HER!
SHOWING THE MESSAGE TO MAZ. MAZ READS IT OUT LOUD.
MAZ
You owe me... Arsehole!
MO THROWS DOWN THE PHONE IN DISGUST AS MAZ PROCLAIMS...
MAZ
I definitely don't know about me, but you need a drink.
MO
I think we'll need a chaser.
AS MAZ GETS UP AND GOES TO THE BAR, MO, CHECKS MAZ ISN'T LOOKING, PICKS UP THE PHONE AND SMILES TO HIMSELF. READS THE MESSAGE ONCE MORE AND SINGS....
MO
She's the One!
END CREDITS