Need anything else added to it?

this is based on in builders merchant, with kevin (sales man) harry (asisstant manager) and bob (manager), to be honest the rest of the script is relevent to it being based on a builders merchant but this scene could be based any where. anyway any pointers? or advice? or just opinions?

SCENE 5. INT. SALES OFFICE - 11:45

BOB ENTERS SALES OFFICE.

BOB:
Just nipping to Asda, you two want anything?

HARRY:
Nah I'm alright.

KEVIN:
Can you get us some cheese and onion crisps?

BOB:
Right, back in a sec then.

CUTS TO:

SCENE 6. INT. SALES OFFICE - 13:15

CAPTION: '2½ HOURS LATER'.

BOB ENTERS SALES OFFICE LOOKING FLUSTERED AND SWEATY.

BOB: Sorry, I got stuck in Asda, any messages?

KEVIN: Just a call from Paul asking for a call back, he has rang five times now!

BOB: Right I'll give him a call then.

HARRY: Bob, you alright?

BOB: Yeah, it's my stomach, I ate a curry last night and it hasn't agreed with me at all.

KEVIN: Did you get my crisps?

BOB: No, I forgot.

KEVIN:What and you've been down Asda all that time!?

BOB: (WHISPERING)
Erm...Yes, I had complications.

KEVIN:
Complications?

BOB:
(EMBARRASSED)
I walked in and I had a sharp pain in my stomach, before I could even make it past the veg, I needed the toilet.

KEVIN:
What you got in the bag? Is that your underwear?!!!

BOB:
Yeah it is. I made it to the toilet...the first time.

HARRY:
The first time?

BOB:
Yes the first time!!!....but I came out and felt the pain again but I was too far from the toilet...I ran as fast as I could but I didn't realise when I started running, it would make it a whole lot worse.

EXHALES LOUDLY.

It started and it was loud and it wouldn't stop, the smell was unbearable.

HARRY:
Jesus, Bob!!

BOB:
It's not the worst part.

KEVIN:
What the hell could be worse than that?

MIXS TO:

SCENE 7. INT. ASDA - 12:00 (FLASHBACK)

BOB RUSHING TOWARDS THE TOILET, PASSING THE CLOTHES SECTION, BOB GRABS A PAIR OF PANTS.

BOB: (V.O)
I...I...I didn't realise that the pair of pants I grabbed were for kids.

SECURITY GUARD SPOTS BOB TAKING PANTS, HE CHASES BOB AND TACKLES HIM BEFORE HE GETS TO THE TOILET.

SECURITY GUARD RESTRAINS BOB AND TAKES HIM TO THE FRONT OF THE SHOP.

END FLASHBACK

MIX TO:

SCENE 8. INT. SALES OFFICE - 13:20

KEVIN:
Holy sh*t Bob!

BOB:
As I walked, every step there was a small brown puddle left behind and I had to explain why I was taking children's underwear to the toilet, they thought I shit myself because of the security guard!

Look, I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'll call Paul now and then I'm going home for a quick shower.

HARRY:
Ok Bob, I'll cover don't worry.

BOB WALKS INTO HIS OFFICE AND CAN HEAR A SUDDEN BURST OF QUIET LAUGHTER AND QUICKLY DARTS BACK THROUGH THE DOOR TO SEE WHO THE CULPRIT IS.

BOB:
Who's f*cking laughing?

KEVIN AND HARRY BOTH LOOK UP STRAIGHT FACED.

KEVIN:
Sorry, what did you say?

BOB:
Nothing.

BOB WALKS BACK INTO HIS OFFICE CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. KEVIN AND HARRY CARRY ON WITH SILENT LAUGHTER.

I have read it several times and to be honest it is not my kind of humour. I can see where the idea might be funny but it might be too graphic. Sorry to be nagative.

Quote: Batleywriter @ January 20 2011, 7:57 PM GMT

I have read it several times and to be honest it is not my kind of humour. I can see where the idea might be funny but it might be too graphic. Sorry to be nagative.

View original

no problem, need criticism so by all means.

It got off to a good start, but then it went to places I'd rather not go! I would keep the start and find a funnier reason for him being 2 and half hours late.

Quote: Shirl the Whirl @ January 20 2011, 9:14 PM GMT

It got off to a good start, but then it went to places I'd rather not go! I would keep the start and find a funnier reason for him being 2 and half hours late.

View original

i have started on episode 2 and the 1st scene maybe more to your liking as its more dialogue than embarrassing humour. actually I think that is the only disgusting scene in it. so the rest of the pilot would probably go down better.

thanks for your opinion tho shirl.

Hi cluvss, I really like it, and I also like this kind of comedy generally, but I don't like the way you've told it. What do I mean? You've told it as an anecdote, as it were. The character tells his mates/colleagues what happened. But I think it would be much funnier if we saw it happening real time, so to speak. Also, he could still tell his mates, we just wouldn't see it since we have already seen the events described.

Also, it's difficult to tell where you're going from only this small extract, but I like it a lot so far.

Could you try rewriting it in realtime an showing us that?

Cheers,

Bryan

Quote: Bryan Parry @ January 21 2011, 4:09 PM GMT

Hi cluvss, I really like it, and I also like this kind of comedy generally, but I don't like the way you've told it. What do I mean? You've told it as an anecdote, as it were. The character tells his mates/colleagues what happened. But I think it would be much funnier if we saw it happening real time, so to speak. Also, he could still tell his mates, we just wouldn't see it since we have already seen the events described.

Also, it's difficult to tell where you're going from only this small extract, but I like it a lot so far.

Could you try rewriting it in realtime an showing us that?

Cheers,

Bryan

View original

thanks bryan, I like the crude type of humour too, I think seeing is as good if not better as quick fire clever jokes. nothing wrong with the latter its just all comedy that's had me actually gasping for breathe is the situation rather than the dialogue.

anyway this is a small scene out of a full episode and its not this way all the way through.

so you think this may be funnier if it was real time through bobs eyes? I think ill give it a go.

Hi cluvss,

Yeah, so you **could** do something like:

CAPTION: '2½ HOURS LATER'.

BOB ENTERS SALES OFFICE LOOKING FLUSTERED AND SWEATY.

BOB: Sorry, I got stuck in Asda, any messages?

KEVIN: Just a call from Paul asking for a call back, he has rang five times now!

BOB: Right I'll give him a call then.

HARRY: Bob, you alright?

BOB: Err...

dissolve

[NOW we see first hand everything that happened, instead of him explaining it. It just seems more gripping and much funnier this way. Later, when his story ends, you can dissolve back to him now having finished telling the story and his colleagues' reactions... if you get me???]

that is spot on!!!!! love this idea!!! instead of him explaining in the background of the asda scene, the scene could explain all visual, maybe a few details to over come, like how would you know he accidently picked up kiddies underwear?.....got it!!!!

asda "back to school sign"!!!!!

nice one!!!