Last year, very pleased with myself after finishing my screenplay I decided to find an agent, sell my script and bugger off to the Carribean for a few months hard earned rest. How difficult could it be?
So I looked through a list of agents and chose one. They accepted screenplays but not until the end of the yaer. No problem I thought, mine's special, surely they will see that.
These are the e-mails that followed
Subject: Help needed
I understand that you are currently unable to accept new submissions until the end of the year, but hey it's October. I am a Forty Year old child who loves movies and loves to tinker with writing. I have written a screenplay which unusually for me has had some positive feedback from the few people I have convinced to read it. Unfortunately most companies will not entertain an unsolicited script without an industry specialist recommending it. I don't know any industry specialists.
I am sending this Synopsis in the hope that I may be able to whet your appetite.
Thanks
Davey
"LAST STAND" SYPNOSIS
Adrian Lamb is a highly successful stand up comedian booked to front a national television variety show who dies a week before it's live airing. The show is produced by two merging companies, Big Picture Productions and Bradley Productions and there are rival factions amongst them who would like to see both the show and the merger fail. Ellis a young executive is charged with solving the problem of replacing Adrian Lamb, but no comedian will fill a dead comics shoes. Enter Bear a failing Northern comedian who is working as a recovery truck driver and who is also the brother in law of Ellis. They have a week and with the help of Bear's family, his riotous friend Bob and the mysterious disgraced old timer simply known as "Comedian" can they save the show, save the career of Ellis, save "Comedian" from his past and more importantly, can they make Bear funny?
I got this reply
Subject: RE: Help needed
Dear Davey
Thank you for your email. I'm afraid as we are still not accepting any submissions, we will be unable to help you with your work.
Best Wishes
Right then I thought, in for a penny, I will take a chance and sent this
Dear ?????
I thank you for your reply yesterday. I promise you that this is the last unsolicited e-mail I will send you, all I ask is that you read it.
I really do understand that you probably get more e-mails than you know what to do with every day but I just wish to outline a few reasons why you may wish to reconsider allowing me to send you my screenplay.
I thought that I might be able to wet your appetite with my synopsis for "Last Stand", but I see that is not enough, maybe spelling synopsis correctly will help this time. Also when I mentioned "Help Needed" apart from the stuff my therapist is trying to achieve I don't really need any, my screenplay is more or less the finished article, so maybe "Help needed" was a little misleading and for that I apologise.
Reasons for reconsideration
1. Your Agency is the first I have ever approached and your name does not even begin with the letter A.
2. "Last stand" does not contain Gangsters, Zombies, Wizards, Werewolves, Brad Pitt, Vampires, Racing Drivers, Simon Cowell, Politicians or Monsters, although I am willing to write a part for Brad Pitt if it helps. It is not a Horror Film or a Fantasy Film or a Romantic Comedy, it does however contain a total of three (original) mother-in-law jokes which hopefully are mild enough not to cause offence.
3. I stated in the e-mail dated 7th November that I knew of no industry insiders whom could recommend my screenplay to you. I remembered last night that my mate Ash once dated a girl who worked at Blockbuster and wondered if she would count?
4. It is demeaning for me to beg, but my dog, who really is called Dipstick, is very good at it so here goes:
Oinuawvr;iugey r[ioab7ipgr ij0it ojk5e a\ehy97w 064H6thyzg[gifak g\ser u0g\s oi
Unfortunately he is worse at spelling than I am. Roughly translated it means: Please give Davey's screenplay a chance or he might get mean and not give me a bone, and you probably don't want that on your conscience do you?
I was also going to get the cat to write a sentence, just to cover all bases, but he refused. If he had have written one it would have probably read "I am a cat what do I care". Cats eh!
5. Stand-Up DVD's are all the rage at the moment, and there is plenty of original stand-up in "Last Stand". My last review in the "Scarborough Herald" said that my performance was "Bordering on the edge of lunacy" and "Fantastical". No one else will ask me to represent them in a Magistrates Court again but the experience from my own personal point of view was great. Don't worry about my mate Steve by the way, execution is no longer allowed and he should be out in eighteen months.
6. I already have my speech written for the awards season and saw a really nice suit in Mr Buyrite.
And finally
7. It's fresh but old. It has the feel of an Ealing Comedy. It's feel good and happy, I almost grew a beard and bought sandals and started eating those little sunflower seed thingies, that get stuck right in the top of your teeth at the back, when you chew them during writing it. It is original and it raises a smile, and what can be better than that (apart from cheese on toast of course)?
I hope this gives me more credibility to be treated as a serious artiste, and if not I hope it raised a smile, whatever your decision I shall abide by it
Thanks for reading this
Davey
P.S Just to prove that I am actually a real person, with feelings and stuff, and not just computer generated Spam, here is my mobile telephone number
***** ******
For some reason she never got back to me. Agents Eh?
