Alright folks,
Here's the first ten pages of a sitcom pilot. I was hoping some of you would be so kind as to read it and give your honest, blunt feedback.
http://img411.imageshack.us/i/episodepilotbajparry.pdf/
I hope you crit me up.
Hopefully,
Bryan 
It's just the first 10 pages, so not sure where you're going with it. Is it always going to be in the DIY store, or does he go off with Leaf?
The little boy using the display loo has been done too many times already.
First impressions - it flows nicely, but isn't funny enough yet.
I agree with Shirl about the kid using the toilet - done far too often.
Apart from that, it's not clear where it's going from that brief extract so hard to comment but there were a couple of places where the dialogue is either unnecessary or misses a gag opportunity.
e.g. The tampon discussion. I think we all know that tampons don't come in flavours and that James was being silly by asking so there's no need to explain that. Having the characters act entirely reasonably just stomps on the silliness of asking if he wanted anything from the toilet. You should have instead finished the scene there or on a joke:
James: What flavours do they come in?
Leaf: 'Original' and 'Classic'. I'll get you one of each.
Hi, I'm afraid this didn't do it for me. It just wasn't particularly funny in my view. The montage at the start didn't really add anything to our knowledge of the character, other than he went to university, but this is mentioned in the dialogue in any case, and wasn't funny.
If the customer was really buying mountains of paint as you seemed to imply, then the bill would be hundreds of pounds. A decent can of emulsion will set you back more than £20 these days. A small point but to me, it smacks of putting in the first thing that comes into your head rather than really thinking about it.
The character descriptions were too long and wordy. Although, some were a lot funnier than the dialogue, for example;
Behind JAMES, a beanpole of a man's ears prick at this and he jots something down in a black notebook. Early to mid-twenties but nonetheless noticeably balding, slight stutter, something approximating hair seems to be breaking out in sporadic patches on his top lip/he appears to be trying to grow a moustache but can't quite pull it off. This is DARREN, a man for whom store card sign-ups and neatly stacked paint-pyramids are sacred duties.
Would, in my view, be better as;
Behind James, a tall man, Darren is listening. He is early 20's, thin and balding with a bum fluff moustache.
The fact that 'store card sign-ups and neatly stacked paint-pyramids are sacred duties' as far as he is concerned, should be apparent from the way he acts and talks, not just because you've told us. And it was pretty apparent, so, no need for this in his description.
Personally, I would tend to give every character a name as it's less confusing to a reader. In any case, calling someone 'MIDDLE-AGED MAN IN SUIT' is crazy as calling him Tom saves you 4 words on your word count every time he does or says something. That might not sound a lot but it would have saved you at least 48 words in the first 10 pages. That's 48 words you could have used for jokes. Chop down your over long descriptions and you're creating some room for what should be the most important things, establising character, plot and dialogue. A half hour script should be between 6 and 7 thousand words maximum so you need to ensure that they all count.
Sorry to be negative.
It was well written and certainly perks interest but I thought there could be a few more laughs in there.
Hi guys,
First off, very many thanks to all three of you for your non-generic, frank, and actually fairly detailed (compared to what I was expecting!) criticisms.
I want to address your points so perhaps you (or others) can know what I'm trying to do and help set me right!
* Shirl the Whirl,
It's always set in a DIY store. That is the "situation" of the sitcom.
* Shirl, glad you think it flows nicely. But the funny thing needs working on. The thing with pilots is that, for some reason, they often end up long, forced, and unfunny. In an effort to "establish" and "do" the drama, the comedy keeps getting cut! I'll keep at that, for sure.
* Shirl & Afinkawan,
Honestly - I have never seen or heard of a kid shitting in the display loo before. Honestly. Honestly honestly honestly. I'm genuinely surprised. But many thanks if you think it is blatantly unoriginal; I'll have a think on what I can do instead.
* Afinkawan, when you say you're not sure where it's going, that could be a big problem you've ID'ed. I guess it needs to feel like it's going somewhere, even if where it does ultimately go is not where you thought it was.
But do you feel like it's going nowhere right now? And/Or, does it not feel gripping enough?
* Afinkawan, I think I agree with your bit on the tampon section. I actually am in two minds to just cut it fullstop. But your version retains the feel of what I was going for, whilst being pithier! Many thanks.
* Afinkawan, any other moments where the dialogue or jokes strike you as especially pointless, long, or unfunny? Any moments you thought were clear missed comedy moments?
* SBAON, the beginning montage wasn't supposed to be funny in itself; rather, it was merely supposed to contrast the young, upcoming, 'I can do anything' James of then and now. The montage is supposed to be straight, quick, to the point, and then got out of the way with. Which I hope I managed to do...
Perhaps it's the case, tho, that there is a quicker/better way of showing this without taking up that much space. I'll think on it...
* SBAON, I definitely get what you mean about overwordiness. However, the danger I guess is you veer from one extreme to the other (which I no doubt often do). For example, your suggested description of Darren just seems to go from my extreme to the other extreme of being completely bland. However, you're right that some of my descriptions seem a bit long. I'm gonna keep working on it, trust me! 
Also, you're right. My names of minor characters are often way too long. Why not just "MAN" or "MAN 2", etc? Certainly would save a lot fo space and a lot of words.
* In terms of the word count, my script as it stands is currently just over 6000 words. However, what I'm trying to do, as you rightly point out yourself, SBAON, is save myself words and space here there and everywhere, and cram in more jokes, more funny stuff, more character, and so on.
Perhaps I'll post the rest of the script up if anyone's interested in reading it. But for now, it seems better to me to post up the first 10ish pages/10ish minutes because, let's face it, if you aren't hooked and watching by then, the last twenty minutes - pure Scorsese though they may be - are not going to get watched.
Anyway, so thanks for you input, and hopefully you guys and/or some other people will comment too. I don't want sugar-coating or "this works and I like that", because I will not improve that way! So, in other ways, DON'T BE SORRY FOR BEING NEGATIVE!! There's a difference between constructive (i.e. you) and just being a twonk.
Bryan
Quote: Otterfox @ January 18 2011, 5:04 PM GMTIt was well written and certainly perks interest but I thought there could be a few more laughs in there.
Yes, the "com" half of the "sitcom" equation. LOL!
For some reason I seem to go completely awol when trying to be coherent AND funny; both end up suffering!
Anyway, glad that so far it's at least somewhat getting you interested.
I had no problem in reading all of this which isn't always the case, so that was a good start! I thought it was well written and liked Leaf (great name by the way). I agree with the others that there was not enough laughs though (for a sitcom, ok if it was comedy drama). Good luck with it.
Quote: Will Cam @ January 18 2011, 6:12 PM GMTI had no problem in reading all of this which isn't always the case, so that was a good start! I thought it was well written and liked Leaf (great name by the way). I agree with the others that there was not enough laughs though (for a sitcom, ok if it was comedy drama). Good luck with it.
Hey there.
It's great you like Leaf (name included) and found it readable! Those are two/three points I've been working on.
...And I'll keep working on the funnies. LOL!
Cheers man.
Why not list the characters/descriptions on one page separately from the script, that would cut the word count and when you send it out anywhere, the character page won't be added in the page count. That's what I do.
When they come into the storyline/script, you just need the character name of the one that is speaking
Quote: bushbaby @ January 18 2011, 6:50 PM GMTWhy not list the characters/descriptions on one page separately from the script, that would cut the word count and when you send it out anywhere, the character page won't be added in the page count. That's what I do.
When they come into the storyline/script, you just need the character name of the one that is speaking
That is actually a very good point. I mean, I'm going to be sending them a one page summary anyway (or so I've been advised by the Beeb, et al), so why not do as you say indeed!
Any more comments?
Hopefully,
Bryan... 
i think this is great, it needs to be smoother in places but the overall jist of it is good, the main thing I look for is how much I want to carry on reading and if im getting bored, well im happy to report that I didnt get bored and want to know what happens next.
the characters are also very accesible and the descriptions are brilliant with every word and description it seemed as if you could actually see this fictional person doing this.
some may disagree but I loved it.
as far as direction is concerned id say a struggle for a guy who wants to do more yet seems to strike out on luck and hitting his goals seem to have obsticales such as darren in his way.
keep your chin up, just cause its not everyones cup of tea doesn't mean it isnt good.
Hi cluvss, thank you for the encouragement.
Any particular bits that stick out as blatantly needing more smoothing?
Quote: Bryan Parry @ January 21 2011, 4:13 PM GMTHi cluvss, thank you for the encouragement.
Any particular bits that stick out as blatantly needing more smoothing?
now im new to writing but the thing that got me about the script is that fact you describe it in such detail that doesn't need to be said.
A shadow looms behind JAMES. MAUREEN, a solid wall of a woman: as wide as she is tall, dour, too much make-up, and short, spiked hair that is yellow at the ends and grey at the roots. This is the Store Manager.
i don't understand why "shadow" or "solid wall of a woman" has to be there and it does happen alot, the rest is ok but your almost describing it as someone writing a book and you feel the need to explain how the scene and characters look. surely people would see maureen as the character that is cast on TV.
so tone the descriptions down as they only need to be simple, the dialogue (which it does) should be the one to entice the reader.
but as far as reading this I can instantly see a brewing relationship between leaf and james which is always a great side plot to add to any comedy, alot have done this and alot have been sucessful:- gavin & stacey (smithy,nessa) the office (uk & usa version).
also the kid on the toilet:- couples retreat (movie) scene would be in YouTube.
hope this helps bryan, I still think this is great tho and if you can id love to hear the rest.
anyway I hope this helps more than just saying :- "nah not funny" and "didnt like it" I always thought crititism is about saying whats wrong and offering ideas to put it right.
Hi there, cluvss,
Yeah, you're probably right that I'm going a bit 'bookish' in some descriptions. And many descriptions -- like those you pointed out -- are probably superfluous. However, the danger is always that you might cut too much out; sure, the audience will see Maureen as however the director et al decide, but that doesn't mean I can't paint my own picture that the director can choose to ignore or not. But definitely, I think I need to tone down the florid (and at times, clunky) descriptions).
My intentions with Leaf is to send her off at the end of the first episode, have her presence fade rapidly from the show as James gets more ground down, then bring her back (perhaps in the way you suggest, perhaps not).
Anyway, yeah mate, thanks for the crits. I don't get upset even if a crit savages me, so long as it does so in a productive fashion. Saying, "Yeah, really nice" and saying, "you &*&*@# go and DIEEEEEEEEEEEE URE SH**T" are about as much use as each other, that is, none.