High Street Bank

Quiet, Brightly lit, modern Bank, empty apart from 3 clerks who are playing with their mobiles and juggling pens.

One cashier looks dreamily out of window. Suddenly she's excited. She sees a customer approaching.

Cashier - "Here! We've got a young one coming!! BILL, I reckon you can Milk him, big time.

The bank staff is excited and laughing. As the door opens the staff pretend to be working seriously and focussed.

A young cute lad, wearing trainers and an old addidas fleece comes into the bank. He's in his Teens and eager to be a Man.

Bank Clerk Shelagh - Hello sir, how can I help you today?
Lad - I want to open an account
Shelagh - Ok, you're in the right place. Ha! What's your name?
Lad - Jake, Jake Badge.
Shelagh - Right Jake Badge, let me get you a specialist.

After speaking on the phone, barely stifling giggles, SHELAGH takes Jake by ther arm and leads him into a small cubicle.

Approaching the cubicle walks Bill - he's a slick guy in a smart suit.

Bill - Thankyou Shelagh. I hope she's treated you well!
Shelagh - Jake, Bill

As Shelagh walks away Bill sits down. As his body reaches the seat, Bill scrunches over, knarled and evil. The light shining on Bill turns a gloomy deep blue.

The camera angles of Bill become tight close ups, odd angles. Sinister music (similar to Hitchcock's Psycho tunes begin)

The young man is spooked, he senses evil in the air, but he's determined to be a man and open an account.

Everyone else working in the bank surreptitiously watches. Hands rubbed together, evil laughing glares. Conspiracy and wickedness prevails.

Bill rubs his hands and licks his big teeth.

Bill - Jake Badge, an executive. You're going to earn big money. Men like you would normally go for the Gold account. But you're better than them. Aren't you Bill?

Jake laughs unsure.

Bill: Of course you are! You should get a platinum account. With a Platinum credit card you get £5000 immediatly! And for the car you're about to buy... our premium account will give you free AA Cover. Yep - all for just £12 per month. That's less than a nights drinking money!

Jake: Yes

Sound Good? Sign here.

Jake - Um? Yes, but..
Bill - Platinum is better than gold. You know that Jake? Do you?
Jake - Yes.
Bill - Exactly. Sign Here.

Jake signs a form.

Bill licks his teech - "Family? Of course. Life Insurance - if you die, whose gonna look after your Family?

Jake - I live with my parents.

Bill [serious tone] - Exactly!

Bill [friendly upbeat tone] - Hear about the double-dip recession? Means share prices are cheap as chips. Yesterday a guy just like you, bought £200 of shares through me. Guess how much those shares are worth now? £235. IN ONE DAY he's made £35 for doing NOTHING. How long does it take you to make £35?

Jake - Umm 4 hours.

Bill - Exactly, so prices are rocketing and I'm in the zone. How many shares in your Portfolio Mr Jake Badge. Shall we say £200 worth? £300?

Jake [like a city banking playing with money] - ummm £250!

Bill - Astute! Sign here. I'le take the money out of your new account. Oh and sign here, the life insurance. Good - so you've got a Platinum Card, exclusive entry into every restaurant in Mayfair where all the girls are hot and ready, you know what I mean!

Jake smiles and goes red with embarrassment.

Bill - So what if you get sick, what you gonna do?

Jake - my mum gives me Lucozade....

Bill - ha, but seriously, how do you keep it together when you're sick? Shall I tell you?

Jake - Yes

Bill - You survive life's hurdles by having critical Illness cover. Just £1.50 per week, then whatever life throws you, you're covered! Understand? It's very simple. How could you not understand! We're men! Get it?

Jake - Yeah, of course.
Bill - You're a smart one, I can tell. Just sign this. All done. Yep put your address here. The Platinum card, the babes... all coming to you - asap.

Jake shakes Bills hand and walks outside. Jake is pasty and confused, behind you get a quick glance at gloating Bill who winks at Shelagh.

Jake is sweating and needs a soft drink. Bill's small evil laugh can be heard on the
wind. Jakes hears it and winces. Back inside the Bank all the employees hi-5 each other.

Shelagh warns - Will he read the small print?

Everyone becomes very serious and they all look worried.

A second later they all laugh hysterically!

You could see it happening.

People will buy anything!

Look, I'm sorry, but where's the comedy? This reads more like an episode of "The Outer Limits" I watched, where the Devil was handing out credit cards. Default and your house, family and everything you own was repossessed, ending with yuur soul of course. As a story of that ilk, this works, but there are no laughs I can see.

Maybe I (again) just don't get it? Is it possible to explain? Is the joke merely in the last few lines? What is funny about this? What am I missing??

Troll - apart from the evil blue light - the rest comes straight from fact. How much debt do we have as a country? Who do the bankers sell their debt cards to? Who are the suckers that take them, then spend beyond their limits?

There is a reason the bankers give huge bonuses to each other - they prey on us. This sketch is the simpliest demonstration to the young suckers who blindly repeat this cycle of legal mugging - hey - it's why they were born SURELY SHIR!

Funny? It's HISTERICAL! And those bankers love us for it! HAAAHAAA

Sorry, but I agree with Trollheart. The one line that made me smile was, "my mum gives me Lucozade".

Quote: Vroomboo @ January 16 2011, 5:18 PM GMT

Troll - apart from the evil blue light - the rest comes straight from fact. How much debt do we have as a country? Who do the bankers sell their debt cards to? Who are the suckers that take them, then spend beyond their limits?

There is a reason the bankers give huge bonuses to each other - they prey on us. This sketch is the simpliest demonstration to the young suckers who blindly repeat this cycle of legal mugging - hey - it's why they were born SURELY SHIR!

Funny? It's HISTERICAL! And those bankers love us for it! HAAAHAAA

View original

To be fair mate, the "evil bankers" are the ones from the investment banking divisions, and not the high street parts.

Sorry Vroomboo but I am also struggling to find any laughs. The sketch is far too long as well. What exactly were you aiming for?

Firstly - I just noticed that Trollheart is from Ireland - where the banking crisis is.... well a complete crisis... a few years ago Ireland announced 'Their economy was stronger than Germany' ummmmm Lots of fresh Irish jokes abounded... no doubt simply quoting that quote... and laughing:0)

Secondly - high street banks needed government support because of the sub prime con trick - it wasn't a coincidence, the banks were playing the lottery with the little people's money (us).

Thirdly - ummmmm ahhh 3rd try, 3rd fail... sheesh this writing funny is blooming hard!

Keep going Vroomboo.

have a look at previous Critique sketches that have been well received to see what made them funny. You can obviously write but you need more laugh ink in your pen.

Yeah, but pointing out something is funny is not the same as MAKING it funny! Even something like "See our head of loans, he's right in there. OH MISTER SATAN, ANOTHER VICT --- ER, CUSTOMER FOR YOU!" MIGHT work, but just stating what happens does not. It's actually NOT funny, it's sad, and as you say, I'm from Ireland so I know all too well the mess the banks have made of our country and our economy, and I don't find it anything to laugh about, to be honest. This sketch, such as it is, does not resonate with me.

This is not to say we Irish can't laugh at the situation, providing the point made is funny, if even painfully so. Example: a joke doing the rounds here at the moment (you need to understand that Brian Cowen is our Taoiseach --- Prime Minister --- and Brian Lenihan is our Finance Minister for this to work, and that they both helped the banks screw us for the next twenty or more years)--

Dying man to priest: "Have they come, father?"
Priest: "Yes my son, they're both here."
DM: "Thank you father. And thank you, Taoiseach and you, Minister Lenihan."
Brian Cowen: "Of course. Any way we can help."
DM: Mister Cowen, if you could stand to my right..." (Cowen, nonplussed, does so)"... and you, Mister Leniham, stand on my left." (He does so, looking similarly blank).
Priest: "Now what, my son?"
DM, with angry grin: "Now I can die, as Jesus himeslf did, father."
Priest: "I'm not sure I understand?"
DM: "With a robbing bastard on either side of me!"

This is just guff, way to long.

I have been reading the sketches that are adored here. King Arthur and the Round table won the best sketch. Troll - you mention the Satan factor...

I suppose Satan doesn't feature in my pragmatic world - I lost my faith in religion when I was told my muslim best friend at school was going to hell...:0) I'm absolutely sure if the bankers looked like Satan we wouldn't of been conned! The fact they look dull, rich and respectable and clever - we drool admiration all over their greedy self centered skullduggery.

I've been performing for years on stage and it's so easy to find the funny as the audience begin to laugh when they like it - so you do more of it and move towards the group joke. But this writing - I have to complete the whole joke - with only my inner voices laughing my head off.

I almost want to set up the premise, in a new thread and get comments on if the idea tickles them or not.

Do I think the collapse of the Irish economy is funny? It's awful and disgusting and some b'stards have screwed you guys over big time. So do I think it's funny? Our greed? Ummm yes - and I'm grateful my dad moved to England before I was born!

Getting very philosophical here, innit?
Well, I don't think you have to BELIEVE in something to write about it. You could write a sketch where the Easter Bunny gets mugged and his eggs taken by, I don;t know, confused animal rights activists who think the eggs are real, but that doesn't mean you have to believe in the Easter Bunny, does it? I personally am an atheist (so I AM going to Hell!) but I write about Satan and God all the time: not in comedy, but in short stories or novels.

I think you use what works for your sketch, or story, not what you personally afford credence to the existence of. The Satan-as-a-banker sketch could be more subtle: he could be a normal banker, dressed in a pinstripe, but while he's talking to the kid suddenly horns pop up from his head, which he quickly smooths down, or his pen gets hot and goes on fire --- "Mister Jones! It's happened AGAIN!" You don't have to specifically refer to Satan by name to conjure an image of him, or the understanding that it is he, or one of his minions.

I suppose hopefully the true Hell for bankers (the CEOs) will be having to constantly apply for, in triplicate and in great detail, bank loans and always be turned down for them, or something.

So as an idea, I find this one has the germ of a good sketch, just for me it went the wrong way, when you could have slagged off bankers bigstyle you kind of missed the target, and ended up making them seem just pushy, and the kid stupid. I dunno, maybe there's something in this. I'd just go in a totally different direction, as I've indicated.

But what do I know? As I already said, I couldn't do standup to save my life, so kudos to you for being able to do that.

Hey Mr - don't be too quick on the kudos! I was born a fully formed woman but grew enormous balls to do my stand-up. Those balls were ripped off by the sheer weight hanging from them of the other comic egos, show producers and the drunk and angry male white audiences!! I'm now a castrato singing on the side lines.... yeah I could make the gits laugh - but my soul cried! "WHY BOTHER"

I get my stage time doing impro - Second City Chicago, Boston and here in London and Edinburgh:0)

I think I prefer your sketch - based on the original premise. BTW - I'm an antitheist. The idea of a big brother watching and judging my every move and thought is abhorrent.