I wrote this a few months ago after several conversations with friends about the topic. What can I say? I have too much time on my hands. I used some of it last weekend and whilst it needs polishing, I think it may have potential.
Leggins are defined in the Oxford Dictionary as 'a close material that covers a woman's legs'.
In this article, I will attempt to lay out some basic guidelines that should be observed before anyone wears leggins.
The definition itself does nothing to celebrate the design of the leggin. When else is it acceptable to wear something so tight and clingy (Scots and psycho women excused) in mainstream society? Leggins cling to every contour of a woman's leg, they glide over each curve like fat on a basted chicken. The very essence of the leggin is to celebrate the woman's physique (and sometimes men's- meggins will be explored at a later point) by allowing a woman to show off her wonderful pins to the world.
The term leggins suffocates. It conjures up an image of the basic leggin- plain black (which shall be referred to as 'basic'). They are so much more; patterned leggins, wet look leggins, the controversial jeggin (some argue that the jeggin cannot be classed as a leggin. This will be discussed further) to name a few.
As a leggins enthusiast, I have welcomed leggins into my wardrobe like a rapist welcomes a slag. I find them gracing my legs most days. My collection includes three pairs of basics; basics can be worn both during the day and at night, a 'wet look' pair which are more suited to night time activity, and a rather risque studded black pair which I am still studying. Their use has not yet been pigeon holed. For leggins to be enjoyed in there entirety, there are a few guidelines that I like to follow.
Firstly, do not wear cheap leggins. This is perhaps one of the most important things to consider when buying leggins. If you are a leggin virgin, it would be easy to nip to Primark and spend £2.50 'trying them out'. Trust me, it is not worth that small Asian child's blood. That child did not do a good job, they did not earn their cup of rice that day. If you are paying less than a fiver for your leggins, be prepared to be mocked. These leggins will not stand the test of time, you will get one or two wears out of them before they start to become distressed and this is no fashionable fatigue like that associated with vintage denim. No, you will see thinning of the material, holes, especially prominent around the crutch area, fatigued elastic and split seams. Is this the kind of image you want to portray? Do you want to look like some kind of council estate whore? They will also be see through- no one wants to see your orange peel babes. Loosen the purse strings before the elastic loosens and causes pubic humiliation.
The most common mistake that women make when wearing leggins is with the top that they team with them. I don't care how skinny you are, I do not want to see your arse. Beaters and little t shirts are not for leggins, if we can see the cotton caressing your cheeks, the top is too short. If you are not sure, consult a friend, if you have no friends (probably because you are unable to understand the inner workings of the leggin), invest in a ruler. A top which is shorter than the length of your arms is not for leggins. Just as I don't wish to see your rear, nor do I wish to become familiar with your Camel's Toe. Trust me, if I see your Camel's Toe on display, I'll be taking a picture and sending it to my friends. For the love of God woman, wear a top that covers your derriere.
Let us be sensible. Let us apply some rationality to fashion. If you have colliding planets, if you resemble a beached whale, leggins are NOT for you. Put down the leggins and go back to Evans. You may as well save yourself the trouble of getting dressed in the morning and paint your legs black. Leggins are for the masses, not the massive babes. Just as I don't want to see a skinny Camel's Toe, nor do I want to see a 95% cotton and 5% elastic mix fighting to cover your Rocky Mountains. Should you insist on wearing leggins, at least go for a 1:4 ratio of cotton to elastic, but please, I beg you to consider your audience, we value our eyes.
Dare I say it, I have had to throw out leggins. What madness! What on earth cold have could have made me discard a pair of leggins like one would a disabled child? I cleaned, I cleaned my kitchen in my leggins. Do NOT clean in leggins. Leggins do not fare well with bleach and other household products. I have lost several pairs of leggins to cleaning. I now no longer clean. They are not to be confused with tabards, show some effing respect and buy a maid. The Eastern Europeans are best cut out for this sort of work. They don't expect much in return- a disused shed at the end of the garden is more than adequate for live in accommodation. Most importantly, leggins have not yet made it to the pages of Vogue Lithuania, Vogue Bulgaria etc, thus there will be no more leggins carnage.
Do not be led to think that patterned leggins are a good idea. You would not dream of wearing those awful patterned tights would you? No, so why would you abuse your legs by wearing patterned leggins? They are often garish, with their cheap leopard print or Laura Ashley inspired floral patterns. Patterned leggins are just plain offensive, basically, there is nothing that you can do to help them, therefore they need to be left in the stockroom's of stores far and wide. Make a stand! Boycott patterned leggins today and they will be forever buried with other fashion faux pas' such as skorts, tie dye and Bjork.
As a fan of leggins, you may feel that natural progression would lead to you wearing jeggins. Do not be fooled. Jeggins are cheap and nasty. If you are aiming to look like some kind of cheap slag who got knocked up in her teens as a result of having sex in the council estate playground whilst swigging on White Lightening, then jeggins my friend, are made for you. However, should you have any respect for yourself, you will heed this warning and steer clear. Jeggins will lead to your demise. Upon purchasing your first pair of jeggins, your life will come crashing down around you. Your friends will stop calling. You will develop a crack a habit and start to hang out in the stairwells of council flats. Swigging cheap liquor will take the place of sipping Cosmo's in trendy cocktail bars. You will be fired from your job because you stole from the petty cash to fund your new drug habit. A life on the street beckons. It is no coincidence that as jeggins flooded the wardrobes of the young, trendy twenty something, the economy came crashing down. This is because those who choose to wear jeggins have less disposable income due to the fact that they are spending any spare benefit money on crack. Thus it is perfectly reasonable to suggest that jeggins are to blame for the recent recession.
The secondary problem with jeggins is identity theft. Jeggins think they are jeans. You are not a classic pair of Levi's. The closest you are ever likely to get to Levi's is on the legs of a girl with the same name. Because jeggins masquerade as jeans, ordinary, normally quite sane people think that it is acceptable to wear a short top with them. This is not so, and is one of the root causes of the leggin theatre of conflict. As a result of all the crack taking, wearers are disillusioned into believing they are wearing jeans and lose all respect for themselves and their image. Jeggins are dangerously clever, they confuse, they lead to drugs, they are an alien invention set on destroying all who wear them, and ultimately, the World. JUST SAY NO!
Occasionally, in life, we see something so shocking, so unbelievelably disgusting, that we are left questioning whether there is a God. I am, ofcourse, talking about Meggins (Men's leggins). Sometimes, when it comes to fashion, it seems to be the aim of men to torment us with what they wear. Do they not think it bad enough that some wear those paedo Cram shorts for running? We live in a world where excersising men insist upon wearing a short which allows a cool breeze to caress their Southerly regions. A carelessly placed leg whilst seated will provide any company, young and old with with a peep show. Just when we think that men can torment us no more, they cross dress. They take an item of clothing respected and loved alike by women across the modern world and jam their hairy man legs in them. This is not even the worst of it- no, worst of all is the display of balls and sundry. Do they do it behind closed doors, in secret whilst their wives and girlfriends are out? No, they have the audacity to put their balls on display and prance about our streets claiming to 'excersise'. There really is no excuse for men wearing meggins, they have jeans, trousers, shorts, kilts and Crams. When will it end? Stop it, stop it NOW. Leggins are not for men. Eff off and get your own leg wear. Steve Cram, never again will I take your name in vain, please, return to our husband's, father's, pervy uncle's and boyfriend's wardrobes, all is forgiven!
Remember- do not be afraid of leggins. I was initially shocked and appalled by ripped leggins, I thought they looked more like the aftermath of a raping but, in the right habitat and situation and on the right pins, the quirky will probably be able to pull them off. Trust your gut instinct, and if your instinct is shit, then ask a friend, a neighbour, a policeman, DO MY LEGGINS LOOK GOOD?
