Sketch Comp 9.16.1.11

Hoorah for this week's stuff, and congratulations to ISHY for winning this time! Celebrate and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - Ishy
2 - 5 - Otterfox, Gerry McDonnell
1 - 1 - Scratchyr, Grem, Don P Musey
Special mention: Alex Mahon, Angiebaby

Your new subject: TRAGIC
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to beat me up at school.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 16.1.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

166! - Mr Sunshine
152 - Otterfox
133 - Cool Mikado
130 - Michael Monkhouse
125 - Kasm
122 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
104 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
80 - Angiebaby
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
60 - Gerry McDonnell
56 - Scratchyr
44 - Alex Mahon
42 - Ishy
37 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - David Chapman
25 - Craig H
23 - Roscoff, Don P Musey
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
20 - Bushbaby, James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Nil Putters, Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Reg N
12 - Stephen Birch, Geoff Mutton, Badge, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Stephen Goodlad, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, James, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

INT. ZOO KEEPERS OFFICE. DAY

HEAD ZOO KEEPER MARK IS RELAXING WITH A NICE CUP OF TEA WHEN THE DOOR TO THE OFFICE FLIES OPEN AND ASSISTANT ZOO KEEPER IAN RUSHES BREATHLESSLY IN

IAN
Mark, a boy's fallen into the gorilla enclosure, I think he might be really hurt...

MARK
Ok, calm down Ian...

MARK GOES SWIFTLY TO A CABINET, UNLOCKS IT AND REMOVES A RIFLE AND SET OF TRANQUILSER DARTS

MARK
Let's go!

EXT.GORILLA ENCLOSURE.DAY

A GROUP ARE GATHERED ROUND LOOKING DOWN WHERE A YOUNG BOY IS LYING ON THE GROUND. A LARGE INQUISITIVE LOOKING GORILLA IS STANDING OVER HIM. MARK AND IAN ARRIVE ON THE SCENE. MARK LOADS THE RIFLE AND HANDS IT TO IAN

MARK
Take the shot Ian

IAN
No mark, I can't do it...

MARK
Yes you can Ian, trust me. I know you can do it!

IAN NERVOUSLY TAKES THE RIFLE FROM MARK, TAKES AIM AND FIRES BUT THE DART HITS THE YOUNG BOY INSTEAD.

IAN
Oops

LOOKING UNCOMFORTABLE IAN SLOWLY RELOADS THE RIFLE, FIRES AND HITS THE BOY AGAIN

MARK
Don't worry Ian, just take your time, concentrate!

LOOKING COMPLETELY FOCUSED IAN RELOADS THE RIFLE, AIMS AND EVENTUALLY FIRES HITTING THE BOY YET AGAIN

MARK
Jesus Christ, give me that!

IAN
I think there's something wrong with the barrel...

MARK SNATCHES THE RIFLE, LOADS IT, AIMS AND FIRES HITTING THE GORILLA FIRST TIME

MARK
There's something wrong with the barrel?

THE GORILLA SWAYS FOR A FEW MOMENTS THEN COLLAPSES FORWARD LANDING HEAVILY ON THE UNCONCIOUS YOUNG BOY

IAN
Shit!

MARK
Leg it!

THEY BOTH RUN AWAY AND AS THEY DO SO MARK THROWS AWAY THE RIFLE WHICH SAILS OUT OF SHOT AND LANDS AUDIBLY ON AN ANIMAL IN ANOTHER ENCLOSURE

1950s BALLROOM DANCE HALL, RURAL IRELAND - GETTING NEAR THE END OF THE NIGHT

Mary, Maura and Sinead have been sitting all night without a dance partner, they look longingly across the other side of the hall at the boys sitting opposite.

Band breaks into 'The Hucklebuck', Eddie saunters over, reaches out for Mary's hand and leads her delighted onto the dancefloor.

Next dance starts, Jono wanders over unsteadily, reaches Maura and whisks her up in his arms, they dash laughing onto the dancefloor.

Sinead is still sitting ,looking forlorn, the only girl left alone, but sways away to the music, trying to look unconcerned.

Next dance starts up, 'Three steps to Heaven', Tommy, fortified by a good few pints, strides purposefully towards Sinead. Desperate to appear sober, he stands rigid before her, but can feel himself starting to sway. He dares not speak for fear of revealing just how drunk he really is.
He gestures towards the dancefloor with a flourish. Sinead, oblivious to his drunken state, rises victoriously, thrilled to be asked to dance at last, they gaze into each others eyes before heading dreamily onto the dancefloor. They begin to dance...the song is nearly over.

Seconds in, Tommy suddenly stops, vomits profusely and collapses in a drunken heap on the floor. Sinead's shoes are splattered with sick.
Slurring apologies, Tommy slids around ungainly on the wet floor, unable to get up.

SINEAD : Ya drunken spectacle ya

She begins to walk away, disgusted

TOMMY: No...ah listen will ya....me mam gave me a feed of offal for me tea, was a queer taste to it...aah me stomach
He trails off as the room spins again

SINEAD : Offal?? offal my arse

She walks away

The next dance starts up..'Oh Yes, Im the Great Pretender....'

PHONE IDLE

BLOKE (on phone) Look not tonight, I'm tired... No I can't be arsed, I have had technically speakin' a bleedin' long day, I just wanna stay here and relax okay? Ah forget it, you don't want to understand.

He hangs up...

Phone rings again, he picks it up:

BLOKE Hello, Fire Brigade.

INT. PUB. NIGHT.

Laurence Olivier is supping his pint. Christopher Fry runs in excited.

Fry: Larry, I've got it. I've got it just right.

Larry: Oh?

Fry: Listen. 'In every tragedy every moment is eternity; in comedy, eternity is a moment'.

Larry: What about tragicomedy?

Fry: F**k.

TWO WORKMEN ARE CHATTING ON THEIR BREAK. DAVE IS READING FROM THE NEWSPAPER.

DAVE -
Oh my God, it says here that someone died after being locked in a walk-in freezer.

STEVE -
That's just what happened to my Uncle Ken. He popped in for a bit of brisket, when the door closed behind him. They didn't find him for 3 days because of the bank holiday. My auntie still won't go to Iceland.

DAVE -
Yeah, but who would go there on holiday?

STEVE -
Well it's her nearest supermarket.

DAVE -
Oh no...this man cut off his own arm with a chainsaw and then bled to death.

STEVE -
Yep, that happened to my Uncle Derek.

DAVE -
It never.

STEVE -
Well, he didn't cut off his own arm. Auntie Carole did it.

DAVE -
She murdered him?

STEVE -
Naah, she was just a bit pre-menstrual.

DAVE -
Doesn't anyone die of natural causes in your family?

STEVE -
Well, off the top of my head......Oh, I shouldn't say that, my brother died after a botched lobotomy.

DAVE -
Euuuggh!

STEVE -
Then Grandad jumped off the top of the gasworks. Uncle Sid fell into an industrial oven...he was brown bread.

DAVE -
Did you ever suspect foul play?

STEVE -
Only when Auntie Alice got pecked to death in the hen-house.

DAVE -
Don't you worry about dying a gruesome death?

STEVE -
Not really, I'll probably pop off in my sleep.

HE CLOSES HIS EYES, SMILES AND RELAXES. THE CAMERA PANS DOWN TO REVEAL THAT THEY ARE SITTING ON A GIRDER 20 FLOORS UP. HE TUMBLES OFF BACKWARDS AND HIS CRIES GET SOFTER AS HE PLUMMETS TO THE GROUND.

"PARTY"

HER: "What do you do?"

HIM: "I'm out of work at the moment. Unemployed."

HER: Nothing. She walked off.

TWO POLICEMEN KNOCK ON A FRONT DOOR. THE DOOR IS OPENED BY A YOUNG MAN (YM)

POLICEMAN #1: Evenin', sir. Would you be Mr Jake LENNARD?

YM: Yep, that's me alright. What's up? Neighbour complained about me
pissin' through her letter box?

POLICEMAN #2: Actually we have some bad news. Could we step inside?

YM: Sure, follow me.

THEY ENTER THE LIVING ROOM WHERE A YOUNG LADY (STELLA) IS SITTING WATCHING TV.

YM TO STELLA - UPBEAT: Hey, Stella, we've struck a silver lining.

YM TO POLICEMEN: Go on, then. What's in the proverbial cloud?

POLICEMAN #1: Are you related to a Mr Leonard Lennard?

YM: Old Len Len, yeah he's me dosser of an uncle. Ain't seen him since he
went to live in the Smoke.

POLICEMAN #2: Unfortunately we have to inform you that your uncle's passed
away.

YM: That makes a change. He usually passes dud notes. How'd he pass a way,
miss a turning, did he? I ain't payin' none of his fines if that's what yer
after.

POLICEMAN #1: He's dead!

YM: Yeah, I got that, just pullin' Mr Plod's pud, wasn't I. What happened?

POLICEMAN #2: The derelict house he was staying in burned to the ground.

YM: So old Len Len went down to and up in Smoke. 'Ronic innit', eh? Where
was he stayin,' Burnt Oak, he, he, he.

POLICEMAN #1: Not far off the mark. It was Cricklewood, actually.

YM: More like Cracklewood if you ask me.

POLICEMAN #2: Pretty flippant about this tragedy, aren't you?

YM: Yeah, well, it's the way we are. Us Lennards're well hard, ain't we.

POLICEMAN #1: You're his sole survivior. What do want to do with his remains?

YM: Me? His arsole survivor - you kiddn' me?

POLICEMAN #2: It's taken us eight months to track you down, we can assure you
that there are no other living relations. It's just you, Mr Lennard.

YM: Eight months! His leftovers a gotta be smellin' somethin' rotten. F**ked if
I want'em!

POLICEMAN #1: The remains have been kept in deep-freeze.

YM: Hope you didn't put them in too quick. If yer freezer defrosted it ain't
my problem.

POLICEMAN #2: He had ten thousand in a savings account, you take care of the
funeral and you get all the money. If you decide to let the state take care of
it, we'll deduct the costs and let you have the balance. It's your choice.

STELLA: Take the money, Jake. These f**kers'll do the lot an we'll wind up with
eff-all.

YM: These remains, how big are they?

POLICEMAN #1: Pretty much of a big a cinder, really. About the size of a small
child - if you really have to know!

YM PICKS UP THE PHONE AND PRESSES OUT A NUMBER: Hello, is this Deadhams the
undertakers? Look I've got a par-broiled, cinderised, frozen uncle who's about
the size of dried-out chimpanzee. I don't want nuthin' flash, and bear in mind
it won't take much to finish him off, so yer gas bill'll be a lot less, what's
yer best price? Yeah,alright, I'll put him in the greenhouse and thaw him out
first.

MOVIE SET. DIRECTOR IS BARKING INSTRUCTIONS AT HIS ACTORS.

DIRECTOR:
Tony, your sidelocks need to be an inch longer so if you could have those grown for tomorrow it would be great. Stacey, act taller tomorrow will you lovey? Act like someone who is about 5 foot 8, you're only hovvering around the 5 foot 2 mark at the moment.

We also need the set tilted 3 degrees to the east. How can we be expected to work at this crazy angle. Alright folks,that's a wrap. Now wrap it properly today, the wrap you did yesterday was absolutely diabolical. Timmy use the good sellotape!

THE DIRECTOR IS APPROACHED BY A 14 YEAR BOY.

BOY:
Hello Mr. Sparkski, very sorry to disturb you sir but I'm afraid I have some bad news about your doberman 'Mauler'... h-h-he w-was killed sir.

DIRECTOR:
No, no, no rubbish! Thats all wrong. You need to deliver the message with more purpose boy. Stand to the left of me, back straight and bellow it out. Try it again.

BOY:
(WITH MORE CONFIDENCE) Your dog 'Mauler' has been killed.

DIRECTOR:
(SHOCKED) What!!? Mauley! Oh my God nooo (cries) Oh God!! How-how did it happen?
Was he chasing away an intruder, protecting the innocent, fighting crime, what?

BOY:
(SHUFFLES UNCOMFORTABLY) He am...h-he.. he jacknifed after chasing a moth onto an icy road. There could have been fleas involved too, i-its too early to tell.

DIRECTOR:
All wrong, all wrong, all wrong! You need to be more definate and don't stumble over your words. Stand in the direction of the light and project your voice. You need to convey more emotion in your face. Have another go.

BOY:
He chased a small flying insect onto a busy road. He lost control of his back legs on the ice and slid down a steep slope, smashing himself off loads of stuff on the way down.

DIRECTOR:
Oh God, oh nooo!! Mauler! My little Mauley Wauley!! Why God whyyyy!! What am I going to do? (cries again) Ooooh...who let him out and who let him escape?

BOY:
It looks to have been a pre-meditated attack by the moths sir. A flock, a squadron am... whatever the collective name for moths is provoked him and he chased them out over the fence which eventually lead to his demise.

DIRECTOR:
Far too long-winded. You need to cut out the words that you don't need. Don't forget posture - very important, stand on that mark and let it flow. We need to try that again.

BOY:
The whole thing or just the last bit?

DIRECTOR:
Oh come on! The last bit.

BOY:
The moths provoked him sir. Being a proud dog he was never going to back down. He chased them over the fence and.....

DIRECTOR:
.....It was the last chase he would ever make.

THE DIRECTOR CRIES UNCONTROLLABLY. THE BOY PUTS HIS HAND ON THE DIRECTORS SHOULDER CONSOLINGLY. THE DIRECTOR PUSHES IT AWAY GRUFFLY.

DIRECTOR:
Get your hands off of me you damn dirty ape!

DIRECTOR TAKES A PICTURE OF MAULER OUT OF HIS WALLET AND LOOKS UPWARDS.

DIRECTOR:
Adrian!!!

BOY (OOV):
Am his name was Mauler sir.

THE DIRECTOR STARES AT THE PHOTO FORLORNLY FOR A FEW SECONDS.

DIRECTOR:
I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let go.

THE PHOTO OF THE DOBERMAN FLOATS SLOWLY TO THE GROUND. ONCE IT LANDS THE CAMERA SLOWLY PANS IN. A CAPTION APPEARS ON THE SCREEN:

'IN MEMORY OF MAULER. KILLED BY MOTHS.'

END.

"TRAGIC"

Monkey and Johnny Vegas are sat at the dining room table, coils of steam wafting from the spout of the teapot in front of them. They each have a hot mug of tea. A clock ticks steadily, but unobstrusively, in the background.

JOHNNY: Monkey, go and fetch the biscuits, there's a good lad.

Monkey obediently shuffles off.

Seconds later, Monkey re-enters the room carrying a plate upon which five (not six) digestive biscuits are laid out.

He stops. He looks appalled by something he has seen, his mouth open. He drops the plate and it shatters on the floor.

Johnny is decanting imported 100% proof vodka from a bottle into his mug of tea.

He looks back at Monkey, shame writ large on his face.

MONKEY (Ben Miller's voice?): Johnny...you promised...

The clock continues to tick its patient suffocating rhythm.

INT. POLICE QUESTIONING ROOM

A MAN IS SAT AT A TABLE. THE MAN IS SLIGHTLY BLOODIED, AND VISIBLY DISTRESSED. A POLICEMAN AND POLICEWOMAN SIT ACROSS FROM HIM. THE POLICEMAN HAS A PEN AND NOTEPAD IN FRONT OF HIM.

POLICEWOMAN
Are you ready?

MAN
(he takes a deep breath) OK.

POLICEWOMAN
In your own words, please tell us what happened earlier this evening.

MAN
OK. I was walking home from work. It was around 6:30. It was already getting dark, I couldn't see nothing.

POLICEMAN
(writing) Couldn't see anything.

MAN
I went the way I always go, through Grassmarket Close. Something felt off...it was different than it is normally.

POLICEMAN
(with slight irritation) Felt different FROM normal...

MAN
(getting upset) Yeah, I, I...oh! if I would have known what'd happen I'd have went the other way! But-

POLICEMAN
(writing angrily) If you HAD known what'd happen you would have GONE the other way!

MAN
What? I-

POLICEWOMAN
(angrily) Sir, please make sure what you're telling us is correct.

THE MAN LOOKS CONFUSED. HE LOOKS AT THE BADGE ON THE POLICEMAN WHICH READS "GRAMMAR POLICE".

I've just broke up with my optometrist girlfriend. She was two-eye maintenance.

EXT. ROAD. DAY.

AN UNDERTAKER IS DRIVING A HEARSE WITH A COFFIN ON BOARD WHEN SUDDENLY HE HEARS A BANG. HE STOPS AND GETS OUT TO FIND HE HAS A FLAT TYRE. HE SHAKES HIS HEAD THEN FRANTICALLY SETS ABOUT CHANGING THE TYRE AND ALSO KEEPS CHECKING HIS WATCH. A PAIR OF OLD LADIES ARE SURVEYING THE SCENE.

OLD LADY:
Poor bugger, not only is he dead but now he's going to be late for his own funeral... that's tragic.

1. INT HOUSE. A MAN (KEVIN) IS SITTING IN AN ARMCHAIR. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND HE GETS UP AND LETS IN ANOTHER MAN (STUART)

STUART:
Hello Kevin. Not seen you for ages. Was in the area and thought I'd pop in.

KEVIN:
Yeah, sorry Stuart, been pretty busy lately. Come on in.

CAMERA FOCUSES ON STUART AS HE TAKES HIS COAT OFF

STUART:
You're looking well. I guess you've got over Shirley leaving now? New start and all that.

STUART LOOKS AROUND. CAMERA MOVES OVER TO KEVIN WHO'S USING A PAPER BAG TO CONTROL HIS BREATHING. STUART SITS DOWN UNCOMFORTABLY.

KEVIN:
Sorry. I know it's been a year now, but I still keep on expecting her to come back. (beat) I made this for her.

KEVIN OPENS A CUPBOARD TO REVEAL A SHRINE TO HIS EX-WIFE.

STUART (Reading a sign inside the shrine):
'Shirley, please be my girly (beat) again'. Nice. 'If you don't I will kill myself'. (beat) Oh.

KEVIN:
Too much?

STUART:
Listen mate I'm in no position to criticise, what with you know (beat) visiting (beat) the prostitutes

THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE

STUART:
Anyway, what's been keeping you so busy?

KEVIN:
Ah, now that is interesting. Something very exciting happened about 3 months ago. I'd been eating lots of quiche. I mean lots and lots of quiche. I ended up egg bound. I was straining on the toilet one day and I had an epiphany.

STUART:
Are you sure it wasn't a mini-stroke?

KEVIN:
No it was a vision. A crystal clear image right in front of me.

STUART:
It does sound like a stroke I'll be honest with you.

KEVIN:
Stuart, I'm fine. Once I'd seen it I went to work in my shed. Ordered bits and bobs off the internet and this is what I came up with.

KEVIN PULLS A BOX FROM BEHIND THE SOFA. HE TAKES OUT WHAT LOOKS LIKE A COLANDER WITH SOME WIRES COMING FROM IT INTO AN ELECTRONIC BOX. HE PUTS THE COLANDER ON HIS HEAD AND THE BOX ON HIS CHEST.

KEVIN:
Do you know how underused the human mind is?

STUART:
My neighbours certainly is. He locked himself in the back of his car yesterday.

KEVIN:
This is why I've built this. It amplifies thoughts. I call it a thought amplifier. Lets say I want to turn on the TV. Watch this.

KEVIN POINTS AT THE TV, FLICKS A SWITCH ON THE DEVICE AND THEN HE STARTS TO SHAKE. STREAMS OF BLOOD START RUNNING DOWN THE COLANDER ONTO HIS FACE AND SHIRT.

KEVIN:
JESUS CHRRRRIIISSST.

SUDDENLY THE LIVING ROOM LIGHT GOES ON.

STUART:
Oh my God Kevin. Did you just do that?

KEVIN (panting out of breath):
See. Told you. Could do with some tweaking mind. Difficult to focus, what with the pain and the head bleeding. I'll have another go. TVVVV ONNNNNN. GOOODDDDD!

CAMERA FOCUSES ON KEVIN AGAIN AND WE HEAR A CLUNK AND A GROAN. KEVIN LOOKS AROUND TO SEE STUART UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR WITH A CARRIAGE CLOCK NEXT TO HIM.

KEVIN:
Shit. Stuart. STUART. Oh God. I need to phone an ambulance.

KEVIN REACHES FOR THE PHONE THEN HAS A SECOND THOUGHT. HE STARES AT IT AND STARTS CONCENTRATING, SHAKING AND SHEDDING BLOOD AGAIN.

STUART:
NIINNEEE, NIIINNEEE, NIIIINNEEE.

STUART CATCHES FIRE.

KEVIN:
Oh damn. Damn.

KEVIN TRIES AGAIN, THIS TIME THE SOFA CATCHES FIRE.

FADE

2. EXT OUTSIDE IN THE STREET. STUART HAS A BANDAGE ON HIS HEAD AND IS LOOKING A BIT FRAZZLED. THE FIRE BRIGADE ARE TRYING TO PUT OUT KEVIN'S BLAZING HOUSE. STUART PUTS HIS ARM AROUND A SHOCKED KEVIN, WHO'S STILL WEARING HIS INVENTION

STUART:
Look. Why don't you come and stay with me for a few days?

KEVIN:
I've lost my wife and now my home. There's nothing left for me here. All I've got left is my mind amplifier and my dignity. Goodbye Stuart. FLLLYYYYYYY.

KEVIN POINTS HIS HAND UPWARDS LIKE SUPERMAN, STARTS TO SHAKE VIOLENTLY. THE MACHINE EXPLODES AND HIS TROUSERS FALL DOWN.

Man & woman lying in bed.
The man is sobbing quietly.

Woman
(Consoling voice)
It is ok I am sure it happens to every man at some point in their life.

Man
(Shakes his head) It has never happend to me before.

Woman
Is there anything I can do to make it better?

Man
You could go down & kiss it.

Woman
Is there anything besides that I could do to make it better?

Man
You could go down & stroke it.

Woman
Hmmmmm! Is there anything besides that I could do to make it better?

Man
You could let it inside. Please let it in. It will be very appreciative. I am almost ready to let go but I need more time.

Woman
For f**k sake your tragic you are.

(Woman gets out of bed, pounds downstairs to the hall & shouts)
"Joe Joe"

(A dog appears & follows the woman back upstairs. The dog jumps onto the bed & curls up)

Close up of the satisfied mans face.

MAN
We will try & keep him out of the bedroom again another night love.

END