Changing times

Hello everyone,

Its the first time I've been on here just thought I'd try to get some feedback on some of my ramblings.

This is something I wrote for my blog.

Changing Times

You know your getting older when you keep talking about how things have changed.

I find myself doing this quite a lot as I slide towards my mid thirties..........Who laughed???!!!

I notice things like how expensive fuel prices are, how crap fashion has become, how much crap is on TV........and how many women seem to Fart now!!!

My mum never did it and my nan definatly didn't do it ...it was always the cat!

You'd hear a small squeal like a screamer going off in the distance, and the cat would get a kick. "Bloody stinky cat, I told you we should get rid of it Eric, its too f**king old, farting all over the place" "phffffffffarrrrrrp" " dirty bastard cat, go on get out, shoo shoo" phffffarrrp " The cats outside dear".............. " I wish you'd oil these bloody doors Eric!!!"

My mum would hold a fart in for days rather than risk letting it loose in front of someone.

At Christmas dinner we'd have people round , the fizzy wine would be flowing (Asti Spumanti ) nothing but quality in our household, the Brussels and the boiled cabbage would all be eaten in a vain attempt to convince the kids that they're really not giants bogies.

Then you'd see her throughout the evening slowly inflating like a balloon. She'd get bigger and bigger every minute, it was like watching the Kirstie Alley life story in 2 hours!

My dad, uncle and grandad would all be snoring and happily filling the room with enough methane to kill a small country, and there was me mum waddling around the kitchen squeezing her arse cheeks together as tightly as she could like an anal Thames barrier.

Then when the collection had become too painful to hold back, she'd sneak off to the toilet under the stairs in an attempt to soundlessly expel the build up.

Ridiculous really coz we could always clearly hear what was going on, even over the 7 toilet flushes, coughing, singing and flapping of the toilet roll holder!!

Now though women just don't seem to care, there's no covering it up anymore. Gone are the days of blaming one of the men. Now they will quite happily take ownership of an eggy love puff in a full room.

Little did those women's lib demonstrators realise when they all set fire to their bra's, that in years to come they would have caused a gender war of wind.
Couples are staying in to have farting competitions. They high five if they manage to reach 10 decibels without shitting themselves!

We now feel belittled by the earth trembling butt bombs that women are squeezing out! It's not right to have the bed covers wafted over your head by your wife!! How's a man meant to feel a man in front of his pals when his wife hits a clear 8 on the rectum Richter scale to his 6!!
Eastenders is interrupted constantly by gagging one of yours wife's home brews!!!
We're being laughed at by our kids!! "Mummy, mummy do the pull my finger trick!!!!"......That's my gag!!!!!

I tell ya if my mum starts letting them go in-between the queens speech and only fools and horses this Christmas Its all over!!

Thanks for taking the time to read.

OK, you're not going to like this, but hey... the trouble with this script/routine is that it's a one-trick pony. You've based the entire thing around farting, specifically women farting. It's not that funny, and it's certainly not funny enough, in my opinion, to carry the whole act, as it were. I read on down in case you started a new theme, but all you seem to have done is developed the same basic idea, in effect stretching the thing to breaking point.

I particularly don't find toilet humour that funny --- as Ade Edmonson said in "Black Adder Goes Forth" : "You English with your jokes about ze breaking of ze vind! To we Germans, a simple bodily function, but to you, the basis of an entire culture!"

Thing is, if you don't find farting funny, there's nothing else in this. Having scanned down a bit I was disappointed to find the same basic idea being repeated throughout the piece, and it left me feeling that the whole thing was very forced. If you have other ideas, why not put them into the sctipt? You can't make something be funny by endlessly repeating it.

Sorry if that's harsh --- and I couldn't do standup to save my life! --- but that was the impression it made on me. Perhaps others may feel differently....

Hey Wivers,

I'd consider turning this...

I notice things like how expensive fuel prices are, how crap fashion has become, how much crap is on TV........and how many women seem to Fart now!!!

My mum never did it and my nan definatly didn't do it ...it was always the cat![

into.... 'I notice things like how expensive fuel is, how rubbish TV is........and how cats don't fart anymore.'

Would be a nice surreal intro... Then go onto how your Mum never farted but the cat always did, and then get out of the fart material. It's funny in small doses but farts can get a bit boring after a while.

I'm not sure what your persona is either, you say you're in your 30's but say 'his wife' and 'our kids', if you're married with kids, use those experiences, if you're single and living at home, why? has your mother made you think women don't fart? Either way you need to talk more about yourself than your mum, dad, granddad etc.

Hi,

Thanks for taking the time to read this and comment.

Looks like I've got some work to do then.

I will take all the feedback and use it to hopefully better my writing.

Never knew constructive criticism could hurt so much lol, feel like I've had me pants pulled down in the playground.

Back to the drawing board.

Is this any better?

I notice things like how expensive fuel is, how rubbish TV is........and how cats don't fart anymore

My Mum never farted .....but the cat always seemed to.

She'd swan about like she owned the place drifting in and out of rooms, leaving hairs all over the place, giving me that horrible squinty glare and licking her own bum ......... I didn't like the cat much either.

Some people today treat their pets like humans, wrapping them up in blankets, buying them coats feeding them smoked salmon..... makes you wonder what their after?

I saw that a woman not so long ago left her inheritance to her dog.
What the hell is the dog gonna do with all that money?? There are only so many bones a dog needs for God sake. Even the dog was thinking " how the hell am I gonna spend this, I only want some smoked salmon and the old cow bought me that last week!"

Pets are the last thing I would leave my money to when I pop off to see the old taxman in the sky.
That's right the taxman in the sky.
I can assure you that they have them bastards up there too.
Harp and Halo tax is at a ridiculous rate at the moment.
They are trying to claw back all the expenses that Saint Peters been claiming. 5000 apples for a new pair of wings and a set of golden gates I mean come on!!

Best not mention Tax to the older generation at the moment though, it's like throwing stones at a rabid dog.
I made the mistake of commenting on the rise in VAT to my Grandad the other day.
Do you know I was totally unaware that the Hoody next door was to blame for so many problems in government.
I bet you didn't realise that wearing your tracksuit bottoms around your bum could cause the pound to drop?!