Jaws reedited for health and safety concerns

Quint, Hooper and Brody are sitting below decks sharing drunken tails of the sea.

v2 thanks for the advice

QUINT
You know that was the time I was most frightened... waitin' for my turn. I'll never put on a lifejacket again. So, eleven hundred men went in the water; 316 men come out and the sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945. Anyway, we delivered the bomb

HOOPER
I'm sorry you're saying you won't wear a life jacket? ever?

QUINT
Yes you see I'll never be helpless before those damn demon fish again.

BRODY
You bastard, you irresponsible drunken bastard. Do you even have any life jackets on board this death trap?

QUINT
Of course you hydrophobic landlubber, I just won't wear one of the damned things.

BRODY
Yes but just having life jackets isn't enough, as captain you should be promoting safe practises by example God damnit you mad man.

HOOPER
You're a bigger monster than that shark. Atleast the shark kills cos it's hungry, you just want to cut corners.

BRODY
Yeh I'm swimming back to shore. And once I've prepared an adequate risk assessment I'm arresting you.

BRODY AND HOOPER STORM OUT

FX SOUND OF SPLASHING AS THEY JUMP OVER BOARD

BRODY OOV
Hey is that a shark?

HOOPER OOV
Shoot it, shoot it!

BRODY
You idiot of course it's unloaded. Bullets are an health and safety nightmare.

OOV FX SHARK CHOMPING UP TWO PEOPLE

QUINT HAS A BIG DRINK OF WHISKEY

QUINT
Yar not again.

You're gonna need a bigger joke.

Seriously?

damn I liked this one.

Not for me, sorry. Others may like it.

It might work better in 3D?

Quote: Badge @ January 8 2011, 5:27 PM GMT

It might work better in 3D?

View original

or with Micheal Caine

Actually, wouldn't it make more sense if he *didn't* have any lifejackets on board? And I think you need to crank up a few more H&S type things - e.g. instead of the clunky "risk assessment" dialogue, could he just say he hasn't completed his firearms training, and he could have someone's eye out?

The idea's very good, but it's not been executed very well. I think you need to drop the long speech at the start and get a few more jokes in as Badge suggested.

Quote: sootyj @ January 8 2011, 5:19 PM GMT

v2 thanks for the advice

View original

Thing is, if they're that worried about health and safety, why would they jump into the water with a shark? Not working for me.

Quote: Nil Putters @ January 8 2011, 10:42 PM GMT

Thing is, if they're that worried about health and safety, why would they jump into the water with a shark? Not working for me.

View original

That's a good point, Nil 'The Squire' Putters. Maybe look for a better ending.

Quote: Ben @ January 8 2011, 11:02 PM GMT

Nil 'The Squire' Putters.

View original

Hahaha thanks for that.

Quote: Nil Putters @ January 8 2011, 10:42 PM GMT

Thing is, if they're that worried about health and safety, why would they jump into the water with a shark? Not working for me.

View original

that't a relief you don't get the joke

I knew it was more likely to be your foolishness then my poor writing

the sub punch is tHat h&s is so didactic that peopleonly follow it's guidelines and give up their common sense entirely

It's ok champ, we can't all be winners some of us just get to hold the spit bucket in the corner of the ring.