Hey guys this is my script for my first gig soon.
This is my script and was wondering if you could tell me what you think.
(Waring does contain strong language that some may find offensive).
Hello hello hello thank you all for comming. You have all made some effort aint ya. I can tell you I was thinking this morning what am I going to wear tonight. And I guess I found an excuse to ware my suit again. I think all bloaks do that at some point. We always find a reason to take out the old suit don't we. But ye thanks again for comming down. Now before we start and before you ask I know I'm young and no I am not here to preform a scene from the singing kettel or pokemon gotta catch em all.
So did you all have a good Christmas? Bet your all pissed of with the misses when you buy her the new phone, the teddies, the new laptop, make up and you get a pishy gillet razor that she will end up using more than you. I'm not that big a fan of Christmas, especially the shopping. Have you seen a supermarket 2 or 3 days before Christmas? It's like the zoo has set of a batch of monkeys on steroids. People running to get bags of sprouts, tatties, custard and all the other shite. I tell you what if you ever want to see some live wrestling just going to asda a few days before Christmas and see all those mums fighting over things like bags of veg.
I love it when you see people Christmas shopping especially if they are alone. The one shop a person will go to when alone for Christmas shopping is poundland. Have you seen some of the bargins you can get in poundland? Hats, shoes, cds, DVDs, videos, all a pound. It's magic. It's not just that they have bargins but they stack new things every little while introducing new things. I think poundland is very simular to that dodge bloak that can get you anything. You know the kinda bloak that can get you a top of the range fridge freezer combo for a tenner.
The bit I love at Christmas is the fuss your mum gives over the dinner. Especially if she is making it for a houseful of family. Where you have uncles, cousins, great grandparents that you don't know exists and you couldn't really care if they weren't there. There the people who's names are about as interesting as your dad's childhood stories. You know your dad will come out with something like, "Oh I remember when I was at school and there was this..." And that is when people start to find an excuse to leave the room. "Oh I remember I had this thing to do." But it's worse when you have to introduce these people to say your partner or friend that they haven't met. And it gets very tense for you. You know "this is my friend Davie and Davie this is..." And at that point there is a few decisions you can make. The first is pretend someone is shouting on you, or the other is to gesture them to introduce themselves. That is the proper thinking mind of the man aint it.
But find it funny seeing your mum or the misses running back and forward like a blue arsed fly getting the meal ready. Is there enough potatoes, have we got sprouts, is the turkey on, did we buy crackers, have we roasted the tatties, are the peas ready, where's the wine, is the table set, have you folded the napkins. Bloody hell it was as if we were expecting the queen to give us a home personal speech. Most men would be happy with a plate of chips and some bacon.
The one thing that I really hate about Christmas is the crackers. The jokes you get in there is about as funny as a fire in an orphanage. I mean seriously, who is going to laugh at something like, "How do monkey's make toast? they put it under the gorilla". I think Christmas Cracker jokes should be made more sinister especially for the kids. Something like "santa isn't real" or "your adopted". Or they could make it really bad with something like "Your dolly is really a cerial killer, waiting for you to sleep so it can kill you."
So did anybody here watch the world cup last year in south affrica? I think putting in south africa was a bit of a disaster. Putting the world cup in the middle of south africa was just as bad as kicking your best mate in the nuts after he has just been circumsised.
Anyone here support England by any chance? Nah I didn't think you would that sad. Whats the difference bewteen the England football team and tea bag? The teabag can stay in the cup longer. The one person in football who really makes me laugh is Wayne Roonie. He looks likes someone has shaved an overgrown monkey and booted it through sports direct.
I am suprised they managed to get Wayen Roonie to chase after a ball whith is attention span never mind string a sentence together, during an interview. I bet his team tells him that the ball is magic and that if he kicks it into the net he will be transported the wonderfull land of chocolate.
I have never been a big fan of football to be honest. I never really saw the point of seeing a handful of men running around a field chasing a ball watched by hundreds of folk who could probably use the exercise. To me football is as interesting as listening to a grandad talking about the war.
David Beckham he also a bit of a twat aint he. David Beckham I think is about as intellegent as a decapitated turtle. I mean come on on what the hell does he see in Victoria? She looks like an overgrown hamsters head stuck onto a pepermai big boy. I bet you when he shags her she squacks the budjie on coke. I remember reading in the paper about David apparently having it off with a hooker and he denied it. I think it would have given him a bit more popularity if he stated that he shagged her in every possible way. There was a video of him practically starting on one of the bloaks backstage who was shouting abuse at him for that story.
So whats the deal with adverts now. Bloody hell everytime I am watching TV and the adverts come on it makes me want to cut my wrists. The one advert that really pisses me off is the go compare adverts. I think if it were up to most people it wouldn't be go compare, but go and take a run and jump. The guy in that advert looks like he has just taken some anti depressants and inserted a set of arse plugs after being booter square in the conckers. His moustash reminds me of a girl I use to know. I'll wait for you guys at the back to catch up, you seem to be a bit slow here.
The other adverts that got me pretty frustraited is the compensasion adverts. They are all the same. "Have you had an accident at work reciently? Have you walked under a ladder? Are you such an idiot that you keep falling on you own arse an blaming it on some other useless prick. I remember watching one of these adverts once and it was a guy who had fallen of a bike and the guy was doing the usual have you had an accident lot of shite. And the guy helps him up and gives him the wallet he dropped. I think from that example alone you know it was not based anywhere close by here. Any normal person would have nicked the wallet and took his wheel caps while they were at it.
I find that there is a point in a males life when they go from being a boy to become a man. This point usually happens when your mum will buy maybe a new wardrobe or chest of drawers, and instead of using the box as a play castle you have your dads tools out and your reading an instruction manual. You know she comes home "I'll need to get your dad to build the drawers" and you usually reply with something like "Dad... dad... pass it here Ill pit at together". And usually it ends looking a bit squint with your mum afraid to touch it in case it falls into a million pieces.
I remember the first time I got into that zone of being a man. My girlfriends mum bought a shed and was going to get some guy to come and put it together. But me acting all the big man decided I would do it for her. You should see the bloody thing now. Windows, knackered, roof not fixed yet, sides a bit out of place. But men being men we don't give a rats arse. As long as you can all the shite in it and it still stands we don't give a donkies.
Have any of you seen the new condom fashion at the moment? Condoms with like bands and singers on them. Ye I know your laughing and I did when I first heard about it. I was at a party and someone brought up the fact that they have JLS condoms. I mean come on I know people advertise but they are going a bit far now. Then again im sure a lot of those blokes in JLS would like their face on a cock. But not just the fact their on condoms but they expect men to buy these? What bloke will actually put one of them on, I mean could you imagine it? Your in the bedroom with the misses and your about to get down to business, and she asks you, "What have you put on? A ribbed",
"no"
"Pleasure max?"
"no"
"What then?"
"A JLS extra safe"
It's a recipe for disaster. I find that the purpose of condoms differ depending on what age you are. As a man or an older teenager you tend to use them for dipping the wick, but as you go further down the age you tend to find that teens from the age of 14 downward tend to have a different purpose. This purpose is water balloons. You will see them in the play ground at school at academy. You have the older kids there who are sitting and studying, maybe playing some cool dude football. Then you go to the new kids that have only been there a year are two and are only 14 maybe 13 filling up condoms and having water balloon fights. You can all picture it now can't you... "JOHN... JOHN, CATCH"
It's also funny with how they view love. Ever week now they have a new girl on the arm and apparently its love. If it was up to teens now love would come more times than kerry katonas drug intakes.
I think once you do get into a serious relationship it does live up to it's name of serious. Mainly because every time you see your partner it is filled with tension. Especially if you are in town. You have many shops around you, filled with handbags, clothes, shoes and it is no laughing matter. It is only a matter of time before your wallet mysteriously turns from being full of cash to being filled with recipts.
I don't like how woman are always bossing us bloaks about. "Get me this, Get me that, Go and do this, Do that for me, Can we do this later," And men will eventually after experiencing this for a while will all work down to one phrase. That phrase is "Yes dear". Because really we didn't hear and we really couldn't give a monkies what she said.
It's a skill we all learn as we stay in a relationship. This is the skill of being able to just switch off. You know she will start talking to you about some bollocks of what she is going to get your mum for her birthday, and instead of actually listening to a thing she is saying you end up seeing yourself on a beach filled with topless woman with a beer in each hand.
So does anyone here go to the gym? Ye I thought not. I gave up too like most of you all. The gym really isn't for getting fit but for people to pose and look at their self. To be honest I would rather not pay 20 quid to look at myself in a mirror. I could just do that at home. To be honest though whether we are at the gym or not we all do it. Especially bloaks. Come on lets be honest how many times to you get up in the morning and go "looking good big man". Or you women who stand to yourself and look at your lady humps. And then when your hands reach your arse you always give it that little slap. We see you don't we lads.
Nah but you will go to the gym right and you have a few different people you will see. The first of these people is the modest bloaks. These are the guys that lift a few weights not heavy not light, and they will do some running, and maybe the rowing machine, and then they will bugger off. Then you got the big lads, and ladies who are in their because the ended up with wrong directions to mcdonalds. These are the ones sweating after 2 minutes walking on the treedmill. You have the third type of person is the skinny girls, who are there because they think they are hippos. They will be running, and will do really light weights. Like 1 or 2lbs and bloaks we tend to laugh at them when they do. Then you have the arseholes. These are the ones who are built like brick shithouse. They are the ones who skip the warm ups, and the tredmill and go strait to the weights. Lifting 100lbs at a time over and over. The ones who make you feel small. The guys that make you shit yourself when they make eye contact with you.
I find it really weird how you never see these guys in the streets or in town. Thats because there never out the bloody gym. To be honest the gym is no place for them. They are just as well as lifting cars in the car park.
Got some hotties in the gym though oh aye. I sometimes go to the britania hotel gym when I feel in an insparational mood. This mood usually happends after watching a rocky movie or something on that lines. And the hotties in there whoo. And in the pool as well whoo. I remember there was one time I was in the gym and there was a couple of hotties were in. And bloaks being bloaks we try and act all the big man. So instead of staying at the same size of weights as usual, we tend to up the weight a little bit to much. So these hotties were in and I thought I would act the big man. I was benching 40lbs so I upped it to 70lbs. Ha should of seen my face, when I was puffed after one rep. I was about as much use as a nuns tits.
To be honest with you the reason men go to the gym besides to pose is to see the ladies. They will ask you to sign a form for a membership and they will ask the question why did you decide to join the gym. I wonder how many men wanted to put down, to see the tities bouncing.
The one thing I find with men in changing rooms is that we aren't affriad to get naked are we. I remember being asked by one of my female friends, how can you get naked with all those men. But to be honest we don't care do we lads. To be honest we lads are proud of it. You know your misses will ask you, do you get naked with other men in the changing rooms and we usualy reply "Oh aye love nah modesty there like."
It's worse after we have showered. And us men don't mind towel drying our arse do we. I find that woman and men have a slight difference with how long we spend drying a certian area. You have women who will quickly dry the body, then they will spend the next 3 hours drying the hair. But us bloaks on the other hand we are the opposite. We spend 2 seconds quickly doing the hair. And then we spend the next half hour drying the body. Leg up on the chair towel drying the backs of the legs and the arse. We find it magic. Come on lets do a wee survey. give us a cheer bloaks if you towel dry your arse. Ok so just me then.
Nah I usually do an hour in the gym have a little while in the steemroom as you do before catching the bus home. What is it with buses now anyway. I find buses are the shittest form of transport you can get. Never on time, full of drunks and junkies, never being able to find your own seat. Its a bloody nightmare. I remember once I was at a bus stop and someone asks whats the fare? asking me how much it was but I thought I would take the piss a bit and have a laugh. So I replied its when you get on the bus and give the driver your money. They were not very impressed. You know the people that never seem to take it in.
But there is a typical bus journey I seem to always be taking especially on the bus home from town at about 8 or 9 at night and this journey is now not a bus journey, but a survival situation. And people like myself are constantly on edge for what is happening around us. You will have some people usually at the front, usually elderly men who are sleeping with there head on the window more often than not snoring. You have the junkie parents with 6 kids and they are only 24 who's kids are jumping on the seats, slapping eachother, crying, annoying all the other passengers. Then there is the tipsy, guy who is pretty high on weed trying to offer people return bus tickets that he apparently found and can be used that are usually expired but he thinks he can get away with it. You may have seen this guy before. The guy that always changes seats. Then there is the worst thing of all, the dog. Usually a dog like a bulldog or a pit bull that lives in dodge flats. The dog that ends up chewing your shoe but you don't want to move incase it spots your movement and bites the hell out of you.
Dogs eh, the most unmodest animal on the planet. Does anyone here have a dog? Then you all will know that dogs can be very very annoying. Especially if you have a big strong, chocolate lab like my dog bailey. Im sure most of you here have probably seen my bailey. Or atleast seen me being pulled down the street by the bloody twat. But I find people give dogs the most stupid names sometimes. And it's the people who give their dog or dogs stupid names who are also a bit stupid as well. Dogs who have names like, Curly, or Kitty. But the worst kind of names for dogs are human names. Come on what dog is going to suit the name, Jim or Paul or Jenifer it makes dogs even worse than they are as an animal.
Dogs I find are the one animal that couldn't give a rat arse about anything. Not like a cat, cats will spend hours cleaning themselves, walking around elegantly, slowly wander over to you before gently looking for a cuddle. Unlike dogs. As soon as you let them out the door they are in a big muddy puddle. Jumping up on folk, barking at the door, pissing up against the tables. Have you seen a dog when a visitor comes round? It's worse when they have a dog too. The dog sniffing about at them.
Its not just at that time where dogs are funny to watch. Its when it's time for their walk and all you need to get them up and going, exited, almost bursting with happyness is one word. Thats all you need one word. This word is walkies. Any dog that hears this word is up and running to the door, almost pissing themselves.
Dogs and other words are quite funny. Me and my sister use to tease our dogs by just shouting words that gets their attention faster than a fat bloak spots a burger van. This word is sweetie. Dogs go nuts when you say that. But my God to they sit down fast because they think they are getting one.
So whats else is funny about dogs then. Oh aye I don't get why dogs, have to piss on every tree, wall, car, fence, etc. What is the point? Apparently its because they are marking their teratory. And by pissing on it, it becomes theirs. I think if this were true for us humans life would be lived a lot different. Instead of going to the doks to pic up some strager hooker we would all end up pissing on out next door neibours wife.
Be great though wouldn't it. Going into the likes of Arnold Clark to get a new car. They guy is showing you around the renault that your eyeing up. "Do you like this car sir?"
"Oh yes nice paint work, nice interior"
"Would you like to purchase this car"
"Oh yes..."
Then you would cock your leg and piss on it.
I love it when your Dad goes into a car shop with your mum to buy a new car cause his granny car is getting old and you dad will always end up looking at the top of the range car like the audi tt. "Oh lets buy this one love. Oh love love love. Look at the car love. Do you see it? Woaw love. And your mum always says the same thing. A firm no. But then your dad will eventually get round to seriousness and then he goes into expert mode. He starts acting like he know it all but really he knows jacks shit. And the one thing your dad always does is kick the wheel. Why do dads do that, kick the wheel. Thats not going to make the car better is it. But lets be honest there is only a few things about a car us males want init. Enough room in the back seat 
a cup holder, a built in CD player and it has to be a fanny magnet.
That CD playing is important init. We like our music though don't we. A slight difference in music I will admit. You have those who have it up full blast listening to the banging beat. You know you hear them from miles away. nts nts nts nts nts ntes NTS NTS NTS NTS NTS NTS NTS nts nts nts nts nts nts.
Then you have old guys who who are listening to things like kiss me goodnight sgt mjr, or run rabbit run. The ones who make you go, aww hardcore when they go past.
Then you have the rest of us listening to the shitty radio about people phoning up to answer the daily question of the day.
So to finish of this evening on the topic of music I thought it would be fun idea to sing a song. Now I want you all singing along ok lets go. Lets hit it come on grandma we love you.
!Sing granma we love you!
Thank you all for comming to watch this evening it's been a plesure thank you all very much.