Girlfriend Sketch

Int. Kitchen

John (30) is sat at a table looking into the camera.

John: The last girl I went out with? Oh, well (SMILES) that was Sarah. She was a 21 year old stunner, way out of my league, but we seemed to click. So, we went out for a night on the tiles. We ate, we drank, we danced, we bought a kebab with extra chilli sauce.

John smiles fondly to himself.

John: At the end of the night, we tumbled into a taxi, started singing a song about a woodcarver and zoomed off to her place. I remember, that I was so drunk, I decided to pay the taxi driver entirely in 5p pieces! But then he threatened to break my jaw, so I paid him with a more reasonable coinage.

John shrugs his shoulders.

John: Anyway, we got into her place and, heh, things started moving pretty quickly! She led me to the bedroom where she kneeled on her pristinely made bed. I stood at the foot of the bed as she effortlessly slid her top off. Her breasts were perfect and were framed by her long, lustrous blonde hair. This was a moment that any man would die for and I was pretty sure that I was slipping into a coma at one point.

Johns sighs happily.

John: She then lay down and slid down her lacy knickers as effortlessly as an otter gliding through the Trent. She beckoned for me to join her, so I climbed on to the edge of the bed. I looked down at this naked, young thing and it was then - Mother, Father

Camera pulls out to reveal John's Mother and Father sat at the other end of a table.

John: (Continues) That I suddenly realised I was a stark raving homosexual. So I left.

Mother and Father start shaking their head.

I've noticed that homosexuality is a recurring theme of your skits. Have you, I wonder?

Yeah, I have noticed that it's a theme that often pops up in my sketches, but I think that's the first one for a while. Isn't it? I honestly can't remember!

I've noticed that quite a few members on here use homosexuality in their sketches. I don't know why that is though....

The end surprised me, I liked this one. I didn't think it needed the taxi driver 5p thing, or the otter. For me those seemed a bit too 'trying too hard to be funny' when it would work better as a character piece.

I think that's a good point, Jo. It'll work better if its just a straight piece until the reveal.

I was just wondering Winter, if your totally correct dialogue in the sketch is deliberate. It seems more like prose. But if your character is sort of aristocracy then I expect it fits. It's a pity we can't hear these scripts
Anyway, I thought it very good and loved the punchline, I was not expecting that. I thought the 'girl' may have been a transvestite

I forgot to mention that as a joke it works rather well.

I agree with Jo; you'd do well to lose the peripheral details (I'd dump the whole of the cab ride), they only stand in the way of the joke.

Also, I think the parents' expression at the end should be one of abject shock.

Here's the rewrite....

Int. Kitchen

John (30) is sat at a table looking into the camera.

John: The last girl I went out with? Oh, well (SMILES) that was Sarah. She was a 21 year old stunner, way out of my league, but we seemed to click instantly. So, we went out for a night on the tiles. We ate, we drank and we danced the night away.

John smiles fondly to himself.

John: We ended up back at hers and, inevitably, things started moving pretty quickly. She led me to the bedroom where she kneeled on her pristinely made bed. I stood at the foot of the bed and watched, in awe, as she effortlessly slid her top off. Her breasts were just perfect; framed by her long, lustrous blonde hair.

John sighs happily.

John: She then lay down and effortlessly slid down her lacy knickers. With her little finger, she beckoned for me to join her, so I climbed on to the edge of the bed. I looked down at this naked, young thing and it was then - Mother, Father

Camera pulls out to reveal John's Mother and Father sat at the other end of a table.

John: (Continues) That I suddenly realised I was a stark raving homosexual. So I left.

Mother and Father are sat openmouthed and in complete shock.

© Ben Ricketts 2007

I like it ben, much tighter on the re draft.

For some reason i was expecting him to be a priest talking at the alter?

Nice sketch mate.

6/10 and believe me that's a huge vote.

Why not 7,8,9,10...Probably because it has been done before quite a few times

Why 6 and not 5,4, etc..It's genuinely quite funny.

Pete, it's a pleasure to receive 6/10 from you! It's a lot better than the last critique you gave one of my sketches which was "It's shite". Seriously though, thanks!

Much better I think. To tighten it up just a mite more though, I'd have it less a monologue and more conversational, ie "I met this girl on the weekend" rather than "The last girl I went out with? Oh, well (SMILES) that was Sarah" and "We went back to her place and got down to it right away" rather than "We ended up back at hers and, inevitably, things started moving pretty quickly." Also, the line, "Mother and Father are sat openmouthed and in complete shock" seems over-egging the pudding where just "open mouthed" would do. Nitpicking I know, but these things do make a difference.

I didn't get it at first, duh, then i realised they were in the room with him.

The re draft was much, much, better although i miss the line 'slid down her lacy knickers as effortlessly as an otter gliding through the Trent'. Having said that it works better without it, i just like analogy.