Another sketch I've been toying with. This is in three parts with each scene intended to be at separate points in a sketch show. Hope you like it.
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INT. MASSAGE PARLOUR. DAY.
Julie the masseur is busying around the room getting the massage table ready.
Bob Jones, a middle-aged businessman, enters.
Julie: Hi, Bob. How are you?
Bob: Oh, you know, mustn't grumble.
Julie: Life in the office treating you well?
Bob: Oh yes, no complaints.
Julie: Okay, well, if you could take your top off and lie face down on the table then, we'll get right to it.
Bob: Right you are.
As Bob takes his top off and settles on the table, Julie selects some massage oil.
Julie: How would you like it today? Firm and stimulating or light and relaxing?
Bob: Oh, I think light and relaxing, don't you?
Julie: Light it is.
Julie squirts a bit of oil on Bob's back.
Julie: Cold weather recently, eh?
Bob: Oh, bitter isn't it? I was saying to Sandra the other day that-
The moment Julie places her hands on Bob's back, Bob starts to scream.
Bob: Aaargh! Aaargh! No! No! Jesus! No! Aargh!
Julie continues to massage Bob regardless.
She pauses, removes her hands to get more oil, and immediately Bob stops screaming.
Bob (CALM): ... that the roads are getting quite treacherous.
Julie: Oh yes. Not enough grit, they say.
Bob: You're right. I was backing my car out the...
Julie starts massaging again. Bob starts screaming again.
Bob: Aaargh! Aaargh! Aargh! Jesus, Mother of Aaargh! Aargh! For the love of Aargh! Aargh! Aaaaarrggggggggggggh!
Julie removes her hands to adjust her top.
Bob (CALM): ... the garage when the wheels spun out and I...
Julie starts the massage again.
Bob: Aaaaarrrgh! Aaaarggh! Aaaargh! Mummy! Mummy! Aaaargh! The trifle! The trifle! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhrgh!
Julie frowns slightly. She steps back from Bob.
Bob: ...nearly hit the low wall at the front of the house, which was a bit unsettling, I can tell you.
Julie: Sorry, Bob, but I've really got to go to the toilet. Do you mind?
Bob: Oh no. Quite comfortable here, thank you.
Cut to:
INT. OFFICE. DAY.
Bob is sat at his desk typing. His boss approaches with three other business people. They stop at Bob's desk.
Boss (TO GROUP): And here's our sub-division sales manager for the Northern quadrant, Bob Jones.
Bob turns to the group, smiling.
Boss: Bob, may I introduce the sales team from Bundy and Bundy's?
Bob stands. Boss points to first person in group.
Bob: Julia Finchley.
Bob shakes hands with Julia and screams terribly.
Bob: Aaaaarrrgggggh!
Julia Finchley and Bob stop shaking hands and nod politely at each other.
Boss points to next person in the group.
Bob: Colin Burkewall.
Bob shakes hands with Colin and screams terribly.
Bob: Aaaaaaaarrrgggh! Aaaaaarrrrggggggh! Jesus!
Colin Burkewall and Bob stop shaking hands and nod politely at each other. Boss points to the next person.
Boss: And of course you already know their French counterpart, Monsieur Jadot.
Bob and Monsieur open their arms and in familiar greeting. Monsieur Jadot grabs Bob by the shoulders and kisses one cheek.
Bob: Aaaarrrgh!
Monsieur Jadot kisses Bob's other cheek.
Bob: Aaaarghh!
Monsieur Jadot finally kisses Bob's other cheek and hugs him.
Bob: Aaaarrggggggh! No, Daddy, no!
Bob and Monsieur Jadot separate pleasantly.
Boss: Okay then. Now, down here is the media room...
The boss then shepherds the group further down the office. Bob sits down and gets back to his work, looking serene.
Cut to:
INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT.
Mrs Jones is in bed looking keen in her negligee. Bob gets into bed beside her.
Bob: Oh, that's nice. A lovely soft bed.
Bob picks up a book and goes to open it.
Mrs Jones: Bob?
Bob: Yes?
Mrs Jones: It's Wednesday.
Bob thinks about this then realises.
Bob: Oh! Wednesday! You mean...
Mrs Jones looks lustily at Bob. Bob tosses his book aside.
Bob: Right then!
Bob turns out the light. The room goes dark.
Bob starts to scream.
Bob: Aaarrgh! Aaaaaarggh! Aaaaaaargggh!
A mere five seconds later, the screaming stops.
Bob (CALM): Okay then. Good night.
