British Comedy Guide

Status report Page 3,269

Quote: Griff @ December 30 2010, 12:27 PM GMT

In other news you might have missed, the Beatles split up, Princess Diana's dead, and they don't make Spangles anymore.

paul and ringo still play together occaisonally (and they constantly remix the others stuff)

spangles are available on the net

and diana was a robot so never technically alive

griff why do you lie to us?

Well they were available at Woolworths, they seem to have stopped being produced this year

you are right

Sootyj slinks defeated into the outer darkness

I need a phrase, a witty retort.

Something along the lines of "Yeah, and if shit was gold I'd be a millionaire". You know what I mean?

I know there are some stock phrases that use this structure, but I'll be damned if I can remember what they are. Google's useless for this kind of thing.

I hope you're not asking us to write for you. If I had a quid for every time...

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ December 30 2010, 4:16 PM GMT

I need a phrase, a witty retort.

Something along the lines of "Yeah, and if shit was gold I'd be a millionaire". You know what I mean?

I know there are some stock phrases that use this structure, but I'll be damned if I can remember what they are. Google's useless for this kind of thing.

Yeah and if my granny had wheels she'd be a wagon.

[their first look at the U.S.S. Excelsior]
Uhura: Would you look at that!
Kirk: My friends, the great experiment: The Excelsior. Ready for trial runs.
Sulu: She's supposed to have transwarp drive.
Scotty: Aye, and if my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a wagon!
Kirk: Come, come, Mr. Scott. Young minds, fresh ideas. Be tolerant!

Quote: Leevil @ December 30 2010, 4:21 PM GMT

I hope you're not asking us to write for you. If I had a quid for every time...

Nope, just looking for the ones that are commonly known. Preferably slightly saucy, but with no hard profanity.

Quote: Marc P @ December 30 2010, 4:26 PM GMT

Yeah and if my granny had wheels she'd be a wagon.

Cheers Marc. Might be a bit context-specific for my needs.

'Yeah, and if my auntie had b*llocks she'd be my uncle.'

Quote: Oldrocker @ December 30 2010, 5:39 PM GMT

'Yeah, and if my auntie had b*llocks she'd be my uncle.'

Yes! That's the one!

Thanks Oldrocker :)

father f**ker?

If my aunt had balls, I'd learn to dance

Ben's socks are off the scale.

Really big socks?

Robyn is sleepy. She helped Elliot to house/cat sit last night, and the cats were a real pain.

What did they dooo?

Quote: Scatterbrained Floozy @ December 30 2010, 8:49 PM GMT

the cats were a real pain.

Barbed penises.

Stick to humans, is my advice.

Quote: zooo @ December 30 2010, 8:57 PM GMT

What did they dooo?

Climbing on the head of the bed at 3 a.m. Eating stray pieces of paper/beads/Smarties from the floor. Licking my shoulder. Very silly cats!

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