A SCRUFFY GUY ENTERS. HE SPEAKS SLOWLY.
"Hello people. All-right?
I wish we had some smaller people at the front. It's less intimidating. Although they're quicker to anger. But easier to jump over. (Aside) Could we have some fat people? (Aside) Yes they're jolly, and they're harder to kidnap.
To tell you about me, I'm a bit of a word geek. A fairly harmless one. Words are great. Words are powerful. The pen is mightier than the sword, and more useful for personal hygiene. So, the internet is great for finding language information, and I spend a lot of time tapping away in my room...one day they'll come and feed me. But yes I'm a word geek, I like anagrams, strange words, etc. And it's my way of getting petty revenge on the world, I insert the latest TV divas into an anagram generator and see what falls out. So, celebrities. Let's get specific. Celebrities with annoying laughs. Let's get specific. Graham Norton. His name, you'll doubtless know, is an anagram of "Roman Horn Tag." Sounds kinky don't you think? "Et tu Brutus?" "Could I have that slave when you're finished, my toga's dry?" Yuk.
But anyway....the Romans. They were an utterly terrible lot. I'm a history geek as well you know. They were utterly terrible. One emperor, Caligula, decided meat was too expensive for the animals in the Roman Circus, so he fed them criminals instead. There weren't any Jaime Oliver in those days. And though a lion may like a tasty burglar to sup upon, it is well known, he much prefers gazelles, or at least prophets from the Bible, and not Charles Bronsons. Who, not quite strangely enough, once anagrammed becomes: "Loner Crab's Nosh." And who, even stranger, like the loner crab is tough, doing solitary and likes a little pinch.
But we must not criticise the Romans for being mean. Us today, that's you and me, and sometimes even Eamon Holmes, can be pretty unpleasant. I once poked a snail with a stick in the area-where-his-eyes-are-sometimes. I once misled a lost tourist. And when I eat the wrong things, I must confess, I get IBS: Irritable Bastard Syndrome. With this condition my face swells up, I can't control my voice, and rudeness like "bugger" and "turd" come out of mouth. To calm down I need to eat the right things, which may often be Wheetos, but more and more tends to be humble pie. Wheetos, coincidentally, are not quite as quelling as Redibreak.
(MUTTERS) Take out of the microwave, piping hot after four minutes; apply to enemy's groin.
Thanks for listening, I hope you enjoyed this session and see you next Tuesday."
Hey any criticism would be great on this. I have no plans to do stand up, but I'd quite enjoy writing it, or at least a load of claptrap anyway.
